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Old 12-29-2009, 05:25 PM
 
Location: West Chester, Ohio
122 posts, read 343,184 times
Reputation: 98

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Hello, OP here.

Sorry I haven't been back to update this thread in a while. Some of you point out very valid reasons why a wife or S.O. would withhold sex from their partner. I don't think I stated this in previous posts but we are not even sleeping together, she downstairs, me upstairs. This for close to two and a half years now. So, this is much more than a "power" issue. Regardless of all the possible reasons for the lack of intimacy, two people who love each other and want to please the other simply do not sleep apart. If you are in a marriage and in love with your partner, how could you possibly do that? I am not naieve, a sexually active and healthy person just does not all of a sudden stop having sex and sleep apart. I might be guilty of being a little too patient, but not blind.

I know some of you will post and ask what the heck am I waiting for...get out. Others will still suggest counseling, you already know my position on that. I am not one to make rushed or unplanned major decisions. When I have worked through finding a place to live, talked with an attorney and set other details in motion, I will make that move. I typically receive my annual bonus in the middle of February which I will need to get started.

Do I look forward to this? No way. I know the pain, lonliness and heartaches that come with divorce. I do look forward to having a loving and rewarding relationship again. I do not think marriage would ever happen again though.

lovesMountains pointed out that I do not appear to be a cheater or a player. She is right, that is not my personality, but I simply will not be held hostage in my marriage any longer. So far I have resisted some opportunities to "fill the need". Then later I felt like, "you dummy, why didn't you"? I have to believe she is filling her need, but I am not so sure I even want to know that for sure.

Anyway, I don't have anyone close and confidential to talk to about this so it does help to come on here and unload, so to speak. So, that is my update to my C-D friends.
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Old 12-29-2009, 05:43 PM
 
Location: Miami, FL
3,441 posts, read 5,001,887 times
Reputation: 2222
Men still don't learn.

You guys should stack your money, travel, instead of getting tied down to these soul sucking women.
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Old 01-05-2010, 03:29 PM
 
Location: NW Indiana
40,204 posts, read 15,177,008 times
Reputation: 102183
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I understand what it's like to beg for sex and be rejected. You can only do that so many times before it destroys you. You feel worthless and unwanted. You blame yourself. You punish yourself. After a while, it's easier to just say nothing. It's hard to accept that someone who says they love you can't or won't LOVE you.

There was a study done, I think in 2008, on sexless marriage. For the detail oriented, a sexless marriage was determined to be once a month or less. It's a problem of epic proportions made worse by the fact that people won't talk about it. If you're the one who doesn't want sex, you think everything is OK. If you are the rejected party, you are ashamed, blame yourself, and don't want to embarrass your partner. There are 40 million people involved in these relationships. Men and Women. Do some reading on this and you will be amazed and dismayed.

It's unlikely a long term sexless marriage will ever change. Even with counseling. The best results so far have been a kind of 'just do it' therapy for the low desire partner. It's still not all that effective because most of us want to be more than a line item on their partner's to do list.

There are lots of reasons why people leave their sexuality behind. One of the biggest comes from growing up in a family where the parents did not love each other(so much for staying together for the kids). Or as a child, these individuals saw parents cheating on each other. Kids are black and white, right and wrong. If Mommy cheats, she is a ho, and that means all women are ho's. If Mommy and Daddy don't love each other and never touch or show affection then that's the way I'm supposed to be when I grow up. Then there's the whole Madonna thing. My wife should be put on a pedestal and never defiled by the likes of me..... Yeah, there is some serious psychology behind this situation.

Michele Weiner wrote a book on this. I think it's The Sex Starved Marriage. Askmen.com has a huge section on sexless marriage. Search their site and you'll find articles plus a forum-type area with people's sad stories. I read everything I could get my hands on. It made me feel better because I wasn't alone and sad because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You have choices. Your SO will probably never change. You can live with it, take up some new hobbies. Look for sex outside the marriage. Leave the marriage. Your decision. Just know this didn't happen because of something you did wrong. The wrong was done long before you met him/her.

Can someone who has been in a sexless marriage go on to have a successful relationship with someone else? Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. It is possible to find someone who wants to be loved and will love you in return. You have to be willing to let go of past hurts and look towards the future.
Beautiful insight, Yellowsnow.
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Old 01-05-2010, 03:39 PM
 
805 posts, read 1,328,576 times
Reputation: 719
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhett_Butler View Post
So is this a dig at me?

To me, the getting in the "best physical condition", etc... is in an attempt to give more chances for her to come around and less excuses for her not to...

What I "deserve" is to be able to share relations with the woman I married with the understanding that this was a part of "marriage"....

The "ultimatum" is simply meant as a tactful way to inform her that she doesn't seem to grasp how much this is affecting me, so I'm going to spell it out clearly that this is becoming a deal-breaker for me.

Some women do not understand that sexual intimacy to a man is as important as emotional intimacy is to a woman.

Lots of women divorce their husbands because they are not experiencing emotional closeness. So for men to divorce their wives due to lack of sex, it is totally understandable. Now remember, that women must feel emotional intimacy IN ORDER TO have sexual intimacy. So if you have neither, nothing will happen.

To create emotional intimacy that will lead to sexual intimacy (assuming no children here):

1) Give her the opportunity to get counseling together. If she says yes, give it 3-6 months of improvement. If there is no improvement, file.

2) If she says no to counseling, file.

You can love someone, but you do not have to be with them.
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Old 01-05-2010, 06:20 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
5 posts, read 14,631 times
Reputation: 18
I'm new on C-D and have been keeping an eye on this thread because it hits so close to home.

If I've missed any posts from women who are in this boat, I apologize. But this is by no means a problem experienced only by men.

My marriage has been sexless for nearly two years now and I'm making plans to move on. Yes, he knows. I don't think he believes me. He is very passive when it comes to confrontation or uncomfortable situations, and he's "happy", so he has a hard time (impossible time) understanding my take on this.

We were married very young; me 19, him 20. Looking back, I'm sure it was a sexual attraction that started the relationship. For years we had sex...good sex...several times a week. Into our 40's it slowed down some, but it was never an issue.

Well, now its slowed down to a standstill. Like I said, almost 2 years. If I kept "begging" for it, I'd probably get it, but who wants to threaten or beg for it. NOT ME! If its not mutual intimacy and pleasure, no thanks.

I've tried talking, but he just doesn't get it. He has no medical problem, just loss of libido. Fortunately I don't take it personally, I know its his deal, but I love sex, the passion and pleasure of intimacy and evidently he doesn't.

I've told him if we can't work this out, I'll get it someplace else. Again, he didn't have much reaction. He thinks I'm bluffing, but who really ever knows what is on someone else's mind. In the long run, you have to take care of yourself and find your own happiness.

So, after raising great kids, building a home and financial security together, being there for each other through thick and thin, I'm planning to go it alone. I am in the process of finding a suitable place to live, which of course will be a downgrade from my present home, but its not what matters most to me.

No one can judge someone else with this issue unless they've BTDT. Leaving a marriage because of no sex is not an easy thing to do, but for me I feel I have no choice. I'm not going to wait another year thinking this will change.
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Old 01-05-2010, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
5 posts, read 14,631 times
Reputation: 18
[quote=yellowsnow;11114830]It's still sort of assumed it's the man wanting sex. Everything I've learned about sexless marriage says it's about 50/50. Maybe the men are willing to talk about it more? Maybe some of the women still feel it's 'wrong' for them to want sex?

To me, a huge part of this problem is the high desire person is desperately unhappy. The low desire person is happy as a clam and seems oblivious to the distress of their partner. The HD folks talk about this stuff. VERY rarely do you hear from the LD partner. Why is this? How can they be so blind to the fact their supposed partner, lover, friend, and companion is miserable because they feel unwanted? Why not just do it to make your partner happy?[/quote]

I'm not desperate yet (thank god for my BOB) but its headed that way. I don't feel unwanted or rejected, I actually feel sorry for him that he doesn't want to experience such a beautiful and satisfying part of life.

How can they be so oblivious is a very good question. Especially when you've tried on several occasions, in several different ways, to be perfectly clear.

Truth is, people change and things move on. If I were to stay in a sexless marriage when I love sex, then shame on me for settling for less.
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Old 01-05-2010, 06:28 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
5 posts, read 14,631 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by fletchman1957 View Post
Hello, OP here.

Sorry I haven't been back to update this thread in a while. Some of you point out very valid reasons why a wife or S.O. would withhold sex from their partner. I don't think I stated this in previous posts but we are not even sleeping together, she downstairs, me upstairs. This for close to two and a half years now. So, this is much more than a "power" issue. Regardless of all the possible reasons for the lack of intimacy, two people who love each other and want to please the other simply do not sleep apart. If you are in a marriage and in love with your partner, how could you possibly do that? I am not naieve, a sexually active and healthy person just does not all of a sudden stop having sex and sleep apart. I might be guilty of being a little too patient, but not blind.

I know some of you will post and ask what the heck am I waiting for...get out. Others will still suggest counseling, you already know my position on that. I am not one to make rushed or unplanned major decisions. When I have worked through finding a place to live, talked with an attorney and set other details in motion, I will make that move. I typically receive my annual bonus in the middle of February which I will need to get started.

Do I look forward to this? No way. I know the pain, lonliness and heartaches that come with divorce. I do look forward to having a loving and rewarding relationship again. I do not think marriage would ever happen again though.

lovesMountains pointed out that I do not appear to be a cheater or a player. She is right, that is not my personality, but I simply will not be held hostage in my marriage any longer. So far I have resisted some opportunities to "fill the need". Then later I felt like, "you dummy, why didn't you"? I have to believe she is filling her need, but I am not so sure I even want to know that for sure.

Anyway, I don't have anyone close and confidential to talk to about this so it does help to come on here and unload, so to speak. So, that is my update to my C-D friends.

I'm not going to deal with getting an attorney and all that. I'm simply moving out and if wants to divorce me, fine. Unless, of course, I wanted to marry again, but at this point its the LAST thing on my mind!
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Old 01-05-2010, 06:32 PM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,859 posts, read 6,869,991 times
Reputation: 7344
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
There will be those who disagree, but IMHO, it is totally normal for a woman's interest in sex to diminish once she is past the "child bearing" years (i.e. 40ish). The reason being - our sex drive is put there for a reason - to reproduce! (stupid idea, I know). Men, can reproduce until they are dead - hence their interest never diminishes.

It is unfortunate that this happens. This is why older men often choose younger women the second time around - because their reproductive drive is still intact (regretfully, you too often get the unfortunate by-product of that - chidlren).

You might try bargaining with your wife. Seriously, there might be something in her life that she would be willing to "do it" for. A nice vacation? A nice piece of jewlery? A new car? Put down some terms and conditions. One a week for one year and honey, that new Cadillac is yours. Why not? Then everybody is happy.

Just don't be so tough on her. Really she is being normal. It is only us women who love our men so very, very much that we will do it without the bargaining.

20yrsinBranson
20yrsinBranson,
I truly think you're in the minority on this one. I'm over 40 and my sex drive hasn't decreased on bit; quite the opposite. I don't think any of my female friends feel any differently about it.
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:05 PM
 
Location: down the shore
174 posts, read 400,383 times
Reputation: 225
Default What's good for the goose...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
There will be those who disagree, but IMHO, it is totally normal for a woman's interest in sex to diminish once she is past the "child bearing" years (i.e. 40ish). The reason being - our sex drive is put there for a reason - to reproduce! (stupid idea, I know). Men, can reproduce until they are dead - hence their interest never diminishes.

It is unfortunate that this happens. This is why older men often choose younger women the second time around - because their reproductive drive is still intact (regretfully, you too often get the unfortunate by-product of that - chidlren).

You might try bargaining with your wife. Seriously, there might be something in her life that she would be willing to "do it" for. A nice vacation? A nice piece of jewlery? A new car? Put down some terms and conditions. One a week for one year and honey, that new Cadillac is yours. Why not? Then everybody is happy.

Just don't be so tough on her. Really she is being normal. It is only us women who love our men so very, very much that we will do it without the bargaining.

20yrsinBranson
I beg to differ!

Not true, Not true! Why are you spreading this vicious rumor!? Are you trying to influence men our age to go after for younger women?? Then who's left for us happy 40 yr old women who have very healthy sexual appetites??

Oh, hmmm...ok, nevermind.

What's good for the goose...
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Old 01-05-2010, 10:14 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,886 posts, read 25,311,688 times
Reputation: 26372
Quote:
Originally Posted by PJ8 View Post
Beautiful insight, Yellowsnow.
Thanks PJ. Sad it took me a lifetime to figure all this out. Glad I did finally grok the fact that it wasn't my fault and my issue. I was the victim, not the cause.
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