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Old 09-14-2009, 06:04 PM
 
Location: New Hampshire
4,835 posts, read 4,820,321 times
Reputation: 3616

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I am not sure what to tell you! I am in your shoes....and I am on Prozac. I have been for the past 2 months. My husband wants nothing to do with me! He also has depression but isn't on meds yet.
it's tough when you haven't even been married for a year to begin with
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Old 09-14-2009, 06:08 PM
 
Location: West Chester, Ohio
122 posts, read 343,184 times
Reputation: 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1984vt View Post
If she is taking something like zoloft or paxil it will ruin the drive and you should take that into consideration. However, it still is an issue and the best way to handle it is to ask if there is something wrong that is prohibiting her. Address any issues and if she says there are none, tell her how serious the situation is and ask for her suggestions on how the two of you could resolve it.

Also, being female, I have to ask, does she work and then come home and work work work some more? Cook, clean the dishes get the children to do their homework, put them in the bath, put them to bed etc; with out your help? This is a huge turnoff and very tiresome.
Good suggestions but, that couldn't be further from the truth.
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Old 09-14-2009, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 11,010,225 times
Reputation: 9460
Quote:
Originally Posted by fletchman1957 View Post
Yes Sunny, I have told her how I feel. It didn't change a thing. I do not bring this up often at all, really I don't. The two times I brought it up this year she became very defensive. And, I knew someone would suggest counseling....my take on that is this: If she cannot tell me why she doesn't want to be intimate in the privacy of our own home, I'm sure as heck not going to go in front of a 3rd party and let who knows what come out. She knows it's hurting me, not to mention the deep frustrations it causes, which is only natural. So no, they'll be no counseling. I've never been abusive or expressed uncontrolled anger so she can't be afraid to talk, she just won't. She is a beautiful woman and it kills me to not be able to be physical with her.
I'm so sorry. You've obviously tried to discuss the issue, without being nasty about it, and gotten nowhere with it. I think you need to lay your cards on the table. Tell her exactly what you've told us, "You're a beautiful woman and it kills me to not be able to be physical with you," and then go from there. If lack of physical intimacy is indeed unacceptable to you and a deal breaker that will end your marriage, she needs to know this as well. If you're willing to go on living without intimacy with her and intend to get it elsewhere she deserves to know that too. Either way at least you won't be in limbo any longer. I understand how you feel about counseling, see your point, and I respect your decision. I wish you well.
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Old 09-14-2009, 06:50 PM
 
Location: New York, NY
1,629 posts, read 2,366,856 times
Reputation: 2411
Quote:
Originally Posted by fletchman1957 View Post
Yes Sunny, I have told her how I feel. It didn't change a thing. I do not bring this up often at all, really I don't. The two times I brought it up this year she became very defensive. And, I knew someone would suggest counseling....my take on that is this: If she cannot tell me why she doesn't want to be intimate in the privacy of our own home, I'm sure as heck not going to go in front of a 3rd party and let who knows what come out. She knows it's hurting me, not to mention the deep frustrations it causes, which is only natural. So no, they'll be no counseling. I've never been abusive or expressed uncontrolled anger so she can't be afraid to talk, she just won't. She is a beautiful woman and it kills me to not be able to be physical with her.
Uh, you brought it up in front of countless stangers the vast majority of whom have no qualification to delve into the problem and solve it! So because she won't respond to your layman's approach you say 'nya-nya-nya' to counseling? You're only hurting yourself with that one.
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Old 09-14-2009, 06:59 PM
 
11 posts, read 50,170 times
Reputation: 15
I have been with my BF for 6 years. He proposed a year ago, only for me to find him naked in bed with another girl. We are still trying to work things out. . But my sex drive dropped after i caught him cheating. I get disgusted knowing the fact that he saw another girl naked. IDK maybe your issues is somewhat similar to mines. Just trying to help out.
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Old 09-14-2009, 07:03 PM
 
Location: NW. MO.
1,817 posts, read 5,961,590 times
Reputation: 1354
If a woman was sexual in the beginning there is usually a reason it ends. Could be hormones, depression, post partum depression, lack of self esteem after body changes from childbirth, feeling pressure at some point and becoming conditioned to retreat if approached, lack of really enjoying sex with partner (who wants boring sex?), feeling betrayed by the partner or resentment, feeling like the role of being the sexy woman has been replaced with something else.

Try to remember what was going on when the change started and try to pay attention to how she reacts in certain situations. If you see any patterns, it might give some direction.
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Old 09-14-2009, 07:06 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,040,508 times
Reputation: 1813
I don't understand why people are willing to let these issues go on for years and years if it is something you feel that strongly about. Obviously there are different sex drives, and if someone doesn't have much of one, they really don't understand what their SO is going through. Going to counseling in this type of situation IS something that could help both of you understand what the other person is going through. If finding out your wife is a lesbian or something is reality, wouldn't you rather know now than go the next 10 years without intimacy?
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Old 09-14-2009, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,416 posts, read 17,385,532 times
Reputation: 14073
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee View Post
I'm trying to be helpful here, so don't jump on me. Have you guys told your wives exactly how you feel about this lack of intimacy? Do they know this is a deal breaker that could potentially end the marriage? Have you planned a weekend getaway with your wives to try to get things going again? Sometimes the daily grind and kids wreak havoc with one's love life, but time away can re-ignite that area. I'd hate to see your marriages end, especially when the love is still alive, because of this one issue, but I understand that people need intimacy.
I'm just jumping into this, but my first wife was the same way. Heck, it started the day after we were married and steadily got worse for the next 10 or 15 years until it finally ended completely. I gave it another 10-15 years of trying and being patient before I finally filed for an end to our 27-year marriage.

That's a big chunk out of one's life. I'm not saying it was years wasted, as we got along pretty well aside from that, raised a couple kids, had good jobs, good friends, etc. But considering how much happier one can be in a really great marriage, it's a shame to spend most of your prime sexual years with a partner who doesn't enjoy sex. For me it was more the lack of any kind of intimate communication and caring.


What those of you who never go through this don't understand is, in most (many?) cases the partner who doesn't want sex thinks (insists) that's (no sex) perfectly normal and sees those with an active libido as perverts. My ex insisted even after our divorce that we had no problems in our marriage -- that they were all in my head.

It was probably the last time I asked her for sex, maybe six months before the divorce. Her reply to my request: "No, you wouldn't be satisfied. You'd just want to do it again."

To which I said, "Fine. You tell me how often. How about once per decade?" She walked off in a huff.

I was a good husband by about anyone's definition; most would have said a damn good catch. (Then.) I tried everything, going to great lengths to make it a better marriage. Nothing worked.


After the divorce she told her friends that I'd left her so I could have "perverted sex". (That would be anything beyond a peck on the cheek.)



I can't say I made a huge mistake by staying married as long as I did. We had kids in school and I didn't want to split up the family. I still loved her. But don't plan on that kind of thing getting better. I was just so sure I could save that marriage... but it takes two.
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Old 09-14-2009, 07:37 PM
 
Location: West Chester, Ohio
122 posts, read 343,184 times
Reputation: 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ticatica View Post
Uh, you brought it up in front of countless stangers the vast majority of whom have no qualification to delve into the problem and solve it! So because she won't respond to your layman's approach you say 'nya-nya-nya' to counseling? You're only hurting yourself with that one.
Ticatica, You almost understood my post with the exception of two small points. Nowhere in my post did I ask for advice. I simply asked if others have experienced this. Secondly, my issue with counseling was that I wasn't going to try and draw something out of my wife in front of a stranger....... my wife is not present here. This is just me and some annonymous friendly posters that allow me to vent.
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Old 09-14-2009, 07:54 PM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,858 posts, read 44,596,346 times
Reputation: 58621
I've been single for over a decade and have worked around lots of men since I used to work for the Navy. I can truly say that at least 3/4 of them complain about the very same thing and were truly distraught over their situations. There are a whole variety of ways some chose to deal with it and still stay in their marriages. Then there were others who said Bump It....I'm getting out.

I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer/solution. Basically, you've got to figure what is right for you and go with it. It is a really difficult decision when you love someone....but the needs you require in that particular relationship just aren't being met. After having to tell your spouse that either sex is involved in the marriage or your leaving.....I'm not sure the sex would ever be the same anyway.

I'm really sorry you have to make the big decision........I do wish you the best.
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