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Old 09-14-2009, 08:06 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,262,275 times
Reputation: 22342

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Quote:
Originally Posted by fletchman1957 View Post
Do I love her? Yes, without question. We have both been in previous marriages and we have been married for just four years. There has been a lot of conflict between us during those four years over different things. Some my fault, some hers. However, our intimacy is non exsistent. We simply do not have relations. I'm talking only twice in the past little more than two years here! I have asked her why she has no interest but I never get a realistic answer. I do not know if she see's someone else or not, but you can't help but think about that. I do not like the thought of divorce and I'm not a player but I'm ready to get "it" wherever I can. Anyone else here face this delima?
There will be those who disagree, but IMHO, it is totally normal for a woman's interest in sex to diminish once she is past the "child bearing" years (i.e. 40ish). The reason being - our sex drive is put there for a reason - to reproduce! (stupid idea, I know). Men, can reproduce until they are dead - hence their interest never diminishes.

It is unfortunate that this happens. This is why older men often choose younger women the second time around - because their reproductive drive is still intact (regretfully, you too often get the unfortunate by-product of that - chidlren).

You might try bargaining with your wife. Seriously, there might be something in her life that she would be willing to "do it" for. A nice vacation? A nice piece of jewlery? A new car? Put down some terms and conditions. One a week for one year and honey, that new Cadillac is yours. Why not? Then everybody is happy.

Just don't be so tough on her. Really she is being normal. It is only us women who love our men so very, very much that we will do it without the bargaining.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 09-14-2009, 08:11 PM
 
Location: West Chester, Ohio
122 posts, read 342,561 times
Reputation: 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
There will be those who disagree, but IMHO, it is totally normal for a woman's interest in sex to diminish once she is past the "child bearing" years (i.e. 40ish). The reason being - our sex drive is put there for a reason - to reproduce! (stupid idea, I know). Men, can reproduce until they are dead - hence their interest never diminishes.

It is unfortunate that this happens. This is why older men often choose younger women the second time around - because their reproductive drive is still intact (regretfully, you too often get the unfortunate by-product of that - chidlren).

You might try bargaining with your wife. Seriously, there might be something in her life that she would be willing to "do it" for. A nice vacation? A nice piece of jewlery? A new car? Put down some terms and conditions. One a week for one year and honey, that new Cadillac is yours. Why not? Then everybody is happy.

Just don't be so tough on her. Really she is being normal. It is only us women who love our men so very, very much that we will do it without the bargaining.

20yrsinBranson
You have great insight! I'm not above bargaining at all. Definitely a new approach. Thanks
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:14 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,294,482 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by fletchman1957 View Post
Yes Sunny, I have told her how I feel. It didn't change a thing. I do not bring this up often at all, really I don't. The two times I brought it up this year she became very defensive. And, I knew someone would suggest counseling....my take on that is this: If she cannot tell me why she doesn't want to be intimate in the privacy of our own home, I'm sure as heck not going to go in front of a 3rd party and let who knows what come out. She knows it's hurting me, not to mention the deep frustrations it causes, which is only natural. So no, they'll be no counseling. I've never been abusive or expressed uncontrolled anger so she can't be afraid to talk, she just won't. She is a beautiful woman and it kills me to not be able to be physical with her.
Have you flat out said to her, "I cannot live without intimacy and sex - I am afraid we are heading toward a divorce if this doesn't change"???

And I'm very curious about your answer that you don't want counseling because you don't want to let "who knows what come out". Uh, that's kind of the point of counseling - to get EVERYTHING out so you can deal with it.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:16 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,294,482 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
There will be those who disagree, but IMHO, it is totally normal for a woman's interest in sex to diminish once she is past the "child bearing" years (i.e. 40ish). The reason being - our sex drive is put there for a reason - to reproduce! (stupid idea, I know). Men, can reproduce until they are dead - hence their interest never diminishes.

It is unfortunate that this happens. This is why older men often choose younger women the second time around - because their reproductive drive is still intact (regretfully, you too often get the unfortunate by-product of that - chidlren).

You might try bargaining with your wife. Seriously, there might be something in her life that she would be willing to "do it" for. A nice vacation? A nice piece of jewlery? A new car? Put down some terms and conditions. One a week for one year and honey, that new Cadillac is yours. Why not? Then everybody is happy.

Just don't be so tough on her. Really she is being normal. It is only us women who love our men so very, very much that we will do it without the bargaining.

20yrsinBranson

Ewwww....what's the difference between that and prostitution??? You basically want him to "buy" his wife
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:32 PM
 
Location: Silver Springs, FL
23,440 posts, read 31,631,836 times
Reputation: 15560
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
it is totally normal for a woman's interest in sex to diminish once she is past the "child bearing" years (i.e. 40ish). The reason being - our sex drive is put there for a reason - to reproduce!
OMG, that is soooooooooo not true, and I have to question the source of this information, or is just what happened to you?
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:25 AM
 
137 posts, read 203,842 times
Reputation: 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by kshe95girl View Post
OMG, that is soooooooooo not true, and I have to question the source of this information, or is just what happened to you?

Yup, I think it's just a myth too. In fact, I know some ladies past 40 (most of the ones I know anyway) who claim to have a much higher drive.

Aside from that, part of sex (at least for women) is the emotional side of it, enjoying and loving one's husband. Which has nothing whatsoever to do with how old you are.
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:48 AM
 
Location: New York, NY
1,630 posts, read 2,359,511 times
Reputation: 2405
You asked two questions in your OP. That's not a rant, that's a request for advice. "How long should you stay in a dead marriage" "Has anyone else experienced this" So why glom onto 20years' enabling answer (sorry 20years) if you want to actually leave?
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:03 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,839 posts, read 25,215,602 times
Reputation: 26173
I understand what it's like to beg for sex and be rejected. You can only do that so many times before it destroys you. You feel worthless and unwanted. You blame yourself. You punish yourself. After a while, it's easier to just say nothing. It's hard to accept that someone who says they love you can't or won't LOVE you.

There was a study done, I think in 2008, on sexless marriage. For the detail oriented, a sexless marriage was determined to be once a month or less. It's a problem of epic proportions made worse by the fact that people won't talk about it. If you're the one who doesn't want sex, you think everything is OK. If you are the rejected party, you are ashamed, blame yourself, and don't want to embarrass your partner. There are 40 million people involved in these relationships. Men and Women. Do some reading on this and you will be amazed and dismayed.

It's unlikely a long term sexless marriage will ever change. Even with counseling. The best results so far have been a kind of 'just do it' therapy for the low desire partner. It's still not all that effective because most of us want to be more than a line item on their partner's to do list.

There are lots of reasons why people leave their sexuality behind. One of the biggest comes from growing up in a family where the parents did not love each other(so much for staying together for the kids). Or as a child, these individuals saw parents cheating on each other. Kids are black and white, right and wrong. If Mommy cheats, she is a ho, and that means all women are ho's. If Mommy and Daddy don't love each other and never touch or show affection then that's the way I'm supposed to be when I grow up. Then there's the whole Madonna thing. My wife should be put on a pedestal and never defiled by the likes of me..... Yeah, there is some serious psychology behind this situation.

Michele Weiner wrote a book on this. I think it's The Sex Starved Marriage. Askmen.com has a huge section on sexless marriage. Search their site and you'll find articles plus a forum-type area with people's sad stories. I read everything I could get my hands on. It made me feel better because I wasn't alone and sad because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You have choices. Your SO will probably never change. You can live with it, take up some new hobbies. Look for sex outside the marriage. Leave the marriage. Your decision. Just know this didn't happen because of something you did wrong. The wrong was done long before you met him/her.

Can someone who has been in a sexless marriage go on to have a successful relationship with someone else? Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. It is possible to find someone who wants to be loved and will love you in return. You have to be willing to let go of past hurts and look towards the future.
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:08 AM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,862,162 times
Reputation: 3165
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer View Post
I don't understand why people are willing to let these issues go on for years and years if it is something you feel that strongly about. Obviously there are different sex drives, and if someone doesn't have much of one, they really don't understand what their SO is going through. Going to counseling in this type of situation IS something that could help both of you understand what the other person is going through. If finding out your wife is a lesbian or something is reality, wouldn't you rather know now than go the next 10 years without intimacy?
Well, as you are probably aware MY main hang-up is the children.... I'm not going to put our marriage on the table over this issue right now because I can't bear the thought of being away from them (as we ALL know, the man NEVER gets the kids), and I certainly wouldn't want to deprive her of her children either.....

The children deserve BOTH parents, and while an almost total lack of intimacy would be a deal-breaker without kids involved, I can't in good conscience threaten to end the marriage over what might appear as a selfish desire for sex with the kids on the line.

I can see my kids asking me 20 years down the road asking me why and me telling them, "'Cause your mother wouldn't give me some.....".

I don't know. Am I playing the martyr here? Maybe. But while my sex-drive is in over-drive and I have nowhere to go with it, it is STILL second to my primary responsibility as a parent of two small children IMO...

Yes, I've talked with her. I get vague answers that seem to lead nowhere.

(And this is a response really for everyone, it's just dreamer's remark that was the easiest to directly respond to.... ).
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:10 AM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,862,162 times
Reputation: 3165
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Have you flat out said to her, "I cannot live without intimacy and sex - I am afraid we are heading toward a divorce if this doesn't change"???

And I'm very curious about your answer that you don't want counseling because you don't want to let "who knows what come out". Uh, that's kind of the point of counseling - to get EVERYTHING out so you can deal with it.
I am considering counseling just to shock her into reality a bit and let her know that this is serious to me...
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