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Old 09-15-2009, 05:32 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 17,791,040 times
Reputation: 9345

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee View Post
I'm trying to be helpful here, so don't jump on me. Have you guys told your wives exactly how you feel about this lack of intimacy? Do they know this is a deal breaker that could potentially end the marriage? Have you planned a weekend getaway with your wives to try to get things going again? Sometimes the daily grind and kids wreak havoc with one's love life, but time away can re-ignite that area. I'd hate to see your marriages end, especially when the love is still alive, because of this one issue, but I understand that people need intimacy.
I know a man who's going through this. Of course he's told her how he feels--over and over--with little to no response. He also told her there will come a time when he doesn't want her anymore if she doesn't try. That time has come and after 20 years of this, she wonders why. Counseling was not an option for her. I suggested they go for a small vacation together. He had a good point when he said, Why? So things can seem fine for a week then back to the same old thing when we get home? If she can't love me at home, why would she love me somewhere else? He thinks they love each other--on one level; You're the father/mother of my children. But they're not in love anymore. Sometimes it's just over and you need to face it and the sooner you deal with it, the better off you'll all be. I was there when I walked away from my 19 year marriage. One of the best things I ever did for myself. I wish everyone going through it luck. There are no easy answers.
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Old 09-15-2009, 05:53 PM
 
Location: West Chester, Ohio
122 posts, read 343,239 times
Reputation: 98
Hi all, OP here. Thanks for all of the support and positive comments. Ya know, it does make it a little easier knowing I'm not the only one who is or has faced this.
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Old 09-16-2009, 09:13 AM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,889,848 times
Reputation: 3165
Okay, re-doubling efforts.....

Last night I:

-Got home, cleaned the cat box and fed the cats.
-Cleaned out vacuum cleaner
-Did dishes
-Fixed own dinner (she wasn't hungry)
-Did homework with daughter
-Gave daughter bath
-Gave wife massage.
-Didn't turn on TV.

No one is EVER going to tell me I'm not trying here...
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Old 09-16-2009, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Silver Springs, FL
23,440 posts, read 31,726,044 times
Reputation: 15560
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhett_Butler View Post
Okay, re-doubling efforts.....

Last night I:

-Got home, cleaned the cat box and fed the cats.
-Cleaned out vacuum cleaner
-Did dishes
-Fixed own dinner (she wasn't hungry)
-Did homework with daughter
-Gave daughter bath
-Gave wife massage.
-Didn't turn on TV.

No one is EVER going to tell me I'm not trying here...
Sweetie, you sure get an "E" for effort......so did she even notice?
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Old 09-16-2009, 11:33 AM
 
12,339 posts, read 13,576,420 times
Reputation: 14337
Quote:
Originally Posted by fletchman1957 View Post
Do I love her? Yes, without question. We have both been in previous marriages and we have been married for just four years. There has been a lot of conflict between us during those four years over different things. Some my fault, some hers. However, our intimacy is non exsistent. We simply do not have relations. I'm talking only twice in the past little more than two years here! I have asked her why she has no interest but I never get a realistic answer. I do not know if she see's someone else or not, but you can't help but think about that. I do not like the thought of divorce and I'm not a player but I'm ready to get "it" wherever I can. Anyone else here face this delima?
Sorry Bro.

I've never had this problem. Ever.
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Old 09-16-2009, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,542,478 times
Reputation: 39866
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhett_Butler View Post
Okay, re-doubling efforts.....

Last night I:

-Got home, cleaned the cat box and fed the cats.
-Cleaned out vacuum cleaner
-Did dishes
-Fixed own dinner (she wasn't hungry)
-Did homework with daughter
-Gave daughter bath
-Gave wife massage.
-Didn't turn on TV.

No one is EVER going to tell me I'm not trying here...

Good for you You just keep it up, hopefully you can turn this thing around.
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Old 09-16-2009, 12:26 PM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,889,848 times
Reputation: 3165
Quote:
Originally Posted by kshe95girl View Post
Sweetie, you sure get an "E" for effort......so did she even notice?
She noticed the massage of course. Not so much the rest it seemed.
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Old 09-16-2009, 12:27 PM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,889,848 times
Reputation: 3165
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Good for you You just keep it up, hopefully you can turn this thing around.
Scared that by the time I get it turned around that I'll be too exhausted to do anything...

(Actually that's STILL rather unlikely.. )
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Old 09-16-2009, 01:02 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,042,548 times
Reputation: 1813
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhett_Butler View Post
She noticed the massage of course. Not so much the rest it seemed.
Don't take this question personally, because you know I think you're pretty awesome. How often do you do the other stuff, at least with out her having to ask? Aside from the massage, which of course is always welcome, perhaps she just thought it needed doing and didn't realize you were doing it because you wanted a "reward"? I definitely give you credit for effort, and if you can keep it up, she may just come around, at least a little more often. You could try using chores as a bargaining tool..
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Old 09-16-2009, 03:45 PM
 
6,561 posts, read 12,889,848 times
Reputation: 3165
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer View Post
Don't take this question personally, because you know I think you're pretty awesome. How often do you do the other stuff, at least with out her having to ask? Aside from the massage, which of course is always welcome, perhaps she just thought it needed doing and didn't realize you were doing it because you wanted a "reward"? I definitely give you credit for effort, and if you can keep it up, she may just come around, at least a little more often. You could try using chores as a bargaining tool..
I help around the house. She really rarely has to ask. I think sometimes we slip into our "traditional" and unappreciated roles (ie. She does dinner and dishes, I mow the lawn and put things together and such)... By "underappreciated" it's one of those things where the man and woman dont' really acknowledge in their brains that what the other is doing is actually "work"....

My admition here would probably be that she does a good deal more work with the kids. I think the fact that I'm spending 1 1/2 hours more commuting to my job offsets this, but maybe not....

Regardless. This problem has existed for far longer than our current living arrangement, so I don't know what's up.

My goal here isn't to trade work for sex, but to see if maybe that changing some of this (or at least being more obvious about it), I can change her mood. Again, I noticed there was no refusal when I offered to give her a massage.

Anyway, she said she'd give me one tonight, so I guess that's something. Doesn't mean it'll actually happen mind you...

(Oh, and yes.... My feelings are terribly hurt that you would DARE ask this question... )
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