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then he doesn't, on and on. My dh doesn't like it when I offer help. It really irks him when I try. It's hard for me not to get involved when I see him upset. He doesn't try to hide his mood. This usually only comes up IRT school. I don't think it's a pride thing or him feeling insecure about who is smarter or more talented, etc. He'd be happy for me to do his home work for him. It just ruffles his feathers when I offer and I don't know why. Tho, perhaps he thinks I'm not capable and that frustrates him.
OTOH, when he went to walk the dog last week I grabbed one of his books, reviewed the chapter, and was able to figure out his first h/w problem. I had to be very sneaky because if he caught me I know he would have bugged. It wasn't too different from stuff I run across at work. He saw that he made a simple error and was able to blow through the rest of the questions (I couldn't have to be clear).
Sometimes problems are easier to deal with when coming from a less invested perspective. I wasn't all wound up about the work, so I was able to solve the problem (in an hour, but still). I'm advocate of study groups for the simple fact of being exposed to a range of ways of studying and approaching problems.
Any way, I wish I could do something to mellow my honey when I offer help. Do any of you experience this with your SO's? If so, how do you handle it?
Yes. I experienced that. I learned not to offer help unless he asks for it. He explained why. He said that if I offer help, I make him feel like I don't trust him to solve his own problems alone. Bottom line is, unless he asks or I'm absolutely sure he needs it, I won't offer help. But I'll be readily available at all times in case he does ask.
To translate it, when you offer help he might understand 'hey, I noticed you aren't handling things so well on your own'. And to be fair, I sometimes feel the same way too. Specially when he opens doors for me when I'm carrying something really small. Makes me feel like I look clumsy and incapable of taking care of myself. Even though I know he's just being nice and polite it sometimes still bugs me.
then he doesn't, on and on. My dh doesn't like it when I offer help. It really irks him when I try. It's hard for me not to get involved when I see him upset. He doesn't try to hide his mood. This usually only comes up IRT school. I don't think it's a pride thing or him feeling insecure about who is smarter or more talented, etc. He'd be happy for me to do his home work for him. It just ruffles his feathers when I offer and I don't know why. Tho, perhaps he thinks I'm not capable and that frustrates him.
OTOH, when he went to walk the dog last week I grabbed one of his books, reviewed the chapter, and was able to figure out his first h/w problem. I had to be very sneaky because if he caught me I know he would have bugged. It wasn't too different from stuff I run across at work. He saw that he made a simple error and was able to blow through the rest of the questions (I couldn't have to be clear).
Sometimes problems are easier to deal with when coming from a less invested perspective. I wasn't all wound up about the work, so I was able to solve the problem (in an hour, but still). I'm advocate of study groups for the simple fact of being exposed to a range of ways of studying and approaching problems.
Any way, I wish I could do something to mellow my honey when I offer help. Do any of you experience this with your SO's? If so, how do you handle it?
My husband and I are enrolled in the same online college for our bachelor's degree. He was very frustrated at his school work when I was blowing through mine, which I'm 3 years ahead of him in classes towards graduation.
Anyway, he declined my offers to help, so instead of doing my homework while he was at work as I usually do: I waited until he came home to his, and I did mine at the same time.
I began asking him if he would help me. Well, have you ever seen a guy puff out feathers like a peacock? It was like me being a professional lawyer, and asking him for legal advice, and he's a chef. It was a huge honor, type of thing. I'm not sure how to describe it....
So, after he helped me with my homework, I would say, "ok my turn." And sort of used what you said, "not being invested", but I put it as a fresh pair of eyes, to help him. I said, "i need to think about something else other than this assignment, can I come read your stuff?" And now we're a team.
Find out how you can appeal to his natural senses, whether it be gender, personality specific, or maybe he just hates homework?
Good luck to ya, hopefully you'll be a team soon too.
Male genes don't even let us ask for directions when we get lost. We even tell the GPS lady she is full of sheet.
Just tell him you are not as smart as he looks (even though you may be even smarter than he looks, but don't tell him I said that) and that sometimes two heads working together are sometimes better than one and you are willing to contribute any thoughts that might start him on the road to discovery.
It is a pride thing but he just doesn't want you to know that he is the Alpha male in need of some help but is too proud to accept it even after he knows he does need help.
Male genes don't even let us ask for directions when we get lost. We even tell the GPS lady she is full of sheet.
Just tell him you are not as smart as he looks (even though you may be even smarter than he looks, but don't tell him I said that) and that sometimes two heads working together are sometimes better than one and you are willing to contribute any thoughts that might start him on the road to discovery.
It is a pride thing but he just doesn't want you to know that he is the Alpha male in need of some help but is too proud to accept it even after he knows he does need help.
He isn't being mean.
He is just being male.
I didn't want to say this and p-off every guy on this board, but it is what it is. And TY Robhu for stepping up and telling it like it is. OP didn't think it was a pride thing, but after being with DH for over 10 years, I know when he doesn't want to feel belittled when the wife comes to save the day, type of thing.
I forgot about my thread. Thanks for the responses. I've been keeping my nose clean. On the upside, he was bugging about some problem on Monday only to find out yesterday in class that there was an issue with that specific h/w problem and the prof corrected it. Geesh. We were together for most of my college and, IIRC, I didn't make whatever problems I was having such an issue for us! He says I did, but I don't believe it lol.
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