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When a young marriage goes bad, I mean when it's divorce one minute then reconciliation the next, then lawyers, then reconciliation again, then back to the lawyers, etc., etc., etc... What do the fringe people, i.e. in-laws, do?
I know the answer, stay out of it, it's not about us, don't give advice unless asked, etc., and we're doing all of the above but here's the thing. With all that's been happening, we've stopped loving our daughter-in-law. It's hard being around her though we plaster smiles on our faces and suck it up for the kids, ages 3 and 5. We walk the walk but inside we hate the self-centered *****.
So do we sit back and watch the show? Our son knows we're here for him should he need us and that's about all we can do. Should they get divorced, there will be rough patches ahead for all. Should they stay together, our family, as a whole, will not be the way it used to be and I can live with this for the sake of the grandkids and my son.
You are a biased party so it's difficult to stay neutral in situations like these. Whatever you do, do not ever speak ill-will of your DIL in front of the children.
Rather than focus on your son and daughter in law, make a positive, neutral environment for your grandchildren. I do stress neutral, because they probably have seen and heard enough at home and they love both their parents and if you can foster a healthy environment for them to continue to love both their parents then you will have done more than you know
If your son chooses to stay with the "self-centered *****," then he has made his choice.
Be kind to her, and gracious. You don't have to approve of her actions, but it's his choice to stay with her.
The grandkids are the important thing, here.
I wouldn't care what my son married; if there were grandkids involved, I would just love on them, and let my son deal with the mess he was married to. If you come out swinging against your DIL, she may restrict/prevent access to your grandkids in the future, and they may need you, then.
Don't do it.
Play along. You know the old saying, give someone enough rope and they'll eventually hang themselves.
Don't compromise your own integrity. Good luck, sounds like you're going to need it.
Thanks for the answers and I know all this so I guess what I was asking is how do I deal with what's in my heart? I am gracious to her and we're there strong for the grandkids and always will be. I can't turn back the clock to when the love I felt for her was real and I can't re-love her after some of what she's pulled. So I'm an actress now?? I guess I am.
Be respectful of your grandchildren. Don't trash their parent to them. If they're lacking stability in their home life, they're going to need something calm and even-keel from you...not choosing up of sides.
When a young marriage goes bad, I mean when it's divorce one minute then reconciliation the next, then lawyers, then reconciliation again, then back to the lawyers, etc., etc., etc... What do the fringe people, i.e. in-laws, do?
I know the answer, stay out of it, it's not about us, don't give advice unless asked, etc., and we're doing all of the above but here's the thing. With all that's been happening, we've stopped loving our daughter-in-law. It's hard being around her though we plaster smiles on our faces and suck it up for the kids, ages 3 and 5. We walk the walk but inside we hate the self-centered *****.
So do we sit back and watch the show? Our son knows we're here for him should he need us and that's about all we can do. Should they get divorced, there will be rough patches ahead for all. Should they stay together, our family, as a whole, will not be the way it used to be and I can live with this for the sake of the grandkids and my son.
Wow.
I know my folks have always showed their support in my marriage. No matter how crazy she acts they know I am trying to keep it together. I think they were waiting for the bomb to drop too.
I think you are doing the right thing by keeping quiet. That's exactly what I do when I visit my mother-in-law. I feel the same way you do. I can't stand her. I just put up with her I guess.
I hope it works out. Sorry about the grandkids and all.
Short of third party corroboration you have no idea what goes on in their house and should not listen to his sob stories or judge her in any way. You don't know. Why get yourself worked up over his self serving side of the story that he INVALIDATES everytime he goes back. If anything him going back and forth should tell you that he's not telling you anywhere near the whole story. Stop getting emotionally caught up in their private matters as if it's your job to fight his battles. Your only job is to be supportive of your blameless grandkids.
I have a relative in an on again off again relationship and I walk the walk. I do not blame the non-relative spouse because I couldn't begin to know what goes on between them but my little cousins are the bees knees and I wish the best for them all. That's the most loving thing I can do. If it turned violent--that's different!
Yes, in a sense, you'll have to be an actress. You'll continue to be gracious to her and bite your tongue. She cannot see what's in your heart. As for your grandkids, you'll always love them and shower them with affection - that's what you do. Hang in there. I know it's a rough road you are traveling.
Thanks for the answers and I know all this so I guess what I was asking is how do I deal with what's in my heart? I am gracious to her and we're there strong for the grandkids and always will be. I can't turn back the clock to when the love I felt for her was real and I can't re-love her after some of what she's pulled. So I'm an actress now?? I guess I am.
Yes, you're an actress now and bless you for doing the right thing because so many don't and it ends up even a worse mess. Your daughter in law will always be your grandchildren's Mom. You don't have to love her or give a rat's patootie about her but you must always be civil to her - as should her husband, your son. You're doing the right thing.
Thanks for the answers and I know all this so I guess what I was asking is how do I deal with what's in my heart? I am gracious to her and we're there strong for the grandkids and always will be. I can't turn back the clock to when the love I felt for her was real and I can't re-love her after some of what she's pulled. So I'm an actress now?? I guess I am.
I hear what you are saying and I commend you for wanting to be authentic, but you must realize that these are feelings - they may be JUSTIFIED, she may be a *****, but yes, be an actress - as for what to do with those feelings of outrage, vent to your husband! He is right there with you, seeing the same thing you are seeing, and hopefully, you and he are on the same page.
Vent to a close girlfriend.
Or vent to us.
You sound like a wonderful woman, I must tell you. Your DIL is lucky to have you in her life. Many mothers-in-law would not show the character you are showing here.
If she is mistreating your son and being a selfish *****, then I don't blame you for feeling the way you do - your feelings are not wrong, but it's what you do with them that counts. Put them in the appropriate place, like venting to your husband, a close friend, or us.....it helps to get non-biased feedback from strangers, who are not part of the situation, or emotionally involved. And others can help you brainstorm strategy, if need be.
Keep on keepin' on, hang in there, and remember it's all about those precious grandchildren. Good luck to you.
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