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Old 09-20-2009, 03:35 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,701 posts, read 6,104,636 times
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We all have our bounderies and they are not all the same for everyone. For me any "being with someone else" is crossing the line but hey, we're all different. I can't judge anyone. Now having said that....I stayed with a guy who I, still to this day, think was/is gay and he cheated on me several times with women...so how do you figure that one out? Was he trying to prove how manly he was by "entertaining" lots of women...????? Maybe...still, I stayed for years and years in this mess....You can say I stuck my head in the sand, believing him when he promised me he would never do it again. Call me stupid, whatever, if I had to do it all over again? I would leave after the first time he cheated. It took me years to regain trust in my own judgement and men in general...not sure I'll ever trust again like I did back then, I doubt it...
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Old 09-20-2009, 04:00 AM
 
Location: New England
1,084 posts, read 1,929,341 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CHICAGOLAND92 View Post
I always found this interesting. Didn't you guys test drive the car before you bought it?
Test driving doesn't always bring the truth out. I am skeptical of my wifes sexual orientation.
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Old 09-20-2009, 04:02 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,701 posts, read 6,104,636 times
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no, testing is sometimes not fool proof. it may take years until truth comes peaking out
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Old 09-20-2009, 05:40 AM
 
10,996 posts, read 11,016,826 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ View Post
We all have our bounderies and they are not all the same for everyone. For me any "being with someone else" is crossing the line but hey, we're all different. I can't judge anyone. Now having said that....I stayed with a guy who I, still to this day, think was/is gay and he cheated on me several times with women...so how do you figure that one out? Was he trying to prove how manly he was by "entertaining" lots of women...????? Maybe...still, I stayed for years and years in this mess....You can say I stuck my head in the sand, believing him when he promised me he would never do it again. Call me stupid, whatever, if I had to do it all over again? I would leave after the first time he cheated. It took me years to regain trust in my own judgement and men in general...not sure I'll ever trust again like I did back then, I doubt it...
I completely understand where you're coming from. Cheating is cheating, no matter what. I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't know if your husband was trying to prove his manness by being with a lot of women, I guess some men actually do that. What made you beleive he was gay?
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Old 09-20-2009, 03:19 PM
 
5,800 posts, read 9,642,035 times
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I don't see what the problem would be. Maybe a man wouldn't be aroused by the sight of his wife ... so? He has hands to help with that. She has hands too. The penis is just erectile tissue. It responds to stimulation. Whether or not he is interested in her, I bet the sex feels nice, especially if the guy wants it to. My friend desperately wanted to be "normal" and "live right." Maybe it was dark. Maybe he shut his eyes. Maybe he thought of someone else.

Or maybe he wasn't gay! Bisexuality exists, you know!
Or maybe he pretended to be gay just to arouse you, gayness is very fashionable among big city upper middle class women since a long time...watch the movie Savage Grace...
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Old 09-20-2009, 06:36 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,452 posts, read 16,166,431 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
But I think I would have left him if he had another woman on the side. For me, that would of crossed the line.
Interesting you said that, because I would have been devastated if he'd left me for another woman. I would have blamed myself and hated him from here to eternity, but with this, there's no helping it really--nothing that he or I could have done to change it. I am not saying that women whose husbands leave them for another woman should blame themselves--after all it seems to happen even more often to the prettiest and nicest women. It's just that I would have blamed myself because that's how I am.

No, it wasn't fair that he did that to me about saying I'd let myself go, because in reality I've come to the conclusion that I look a bit better than most women my age, and I can't do anything about being 50. And he's 50 also. What is did though was to propel me out into dating prematurely b/c I wanted to see if I've still "got it." Now that I know I do, I've put off dating for awhile--at least until my divorce comes thru.
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Old 09-20-2009, 07:54 PM
 
10,996 posts, read 11,016,826 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Interesting you said that, because I would have been devastated if he'd left me for another woman. I would have blamed myself and hated him from here to eternity, but with this, there's no helping it really--nothing that he or I could have done to change it. I am not saying that women whose husbands leave them for another woman should blame themselves--after all it seems to happen even more often to the prettiest and nicest women. It's just that I would have blamed myself because that's how I am.

No, it wasn't fair that he did that to me about saying I'd let myself go, because in reality I've come to the conclusion that I look a bit better than most women my age, and I can't do anything about being 50. And he's 50 also. What is did though was to propel me out into dating prematurely b/c I wanted to see if I've still "got it." Now that I know I do, I've put off dating for awhile--at least until my divorce comes thru.

Congratulations on being single again and discovering you still have it. That's always good news!

And I agree that with a gay man, its really impossible to blame oneself , since its something they really don't have much control over. They were born gay, or suddenly discovered their gayness, I don't know, but it's just something a woman cannot change. No matter what, the man just wants another man, no matter how preety his wife or girlfriend is. So, at least for me, its more acceptable, than if he cheated with another woman. But one thing I do expect a man to do is be honest to me about it, instead of hide it. Hiding it implies that the trust I thought we had, wasn't there after all. That is very hurtful. It is very damaging to suddenly discover that the relationship of many years, wasn't really real. There's a sense of totally being lied to and not knowing who to trust ever again. A woman who hasn't been told her husband is gay, suddenly discovers it and must wonder if his kisses were real, if he ever felt any real passion for her or was it all an act, and most of all, how could he hide something so big for so many years. It must totally destroy your ability to trust in appearances.

I hope you do find a mate this time around that gives you the trust you deserve, and doesn't play games. Best wishes.
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:35 PM
 
1,003 posts, read 2,229,501 times
Reputation: 669
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
pick up a high fashion magazine for women, vis-a-vis or any of them, all you will see are gay guys in suits.
that is what women like. when she married you she was "settling".
Quote:
Originally Posted by kshe95girl View Post
ummmmmm, no, thats not true
Actually, it often is true. But often more complicated than that. A lot of women get along so well with gay guys, they usually have a lot in common and for some strange reason a lot of gay guys are very attractive, and/or have really nice physiques. Add to that, the "denial" some women might have, or fall into, if they fall in love with the guy. Gay guys who marry women, often want to escape the oppression and difficulties of being gay, and marry thinking it will allow them a life of more acceptance. For women who don't want much sex, it can work out.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:58 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,452 posts, read 16,166,431 times
Reputation: 13117
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1979 View Post
Gay guys who marry women, often want to escape the oppression and difficulties of being gay, and marry thinking it will allow them a life of more acceptance. For women who don't want much sex, it can work out.
That was true of my husband, and that's why it didn't work out for us in the end. I have a very normal sex drive I think. But. . . it was quite regular for years and I think 3x/week for a couple that's been married for over 20 years is pretty darn good considering that the man was gay. It wasn't until the very bitter end that he couldn't perform any more, and I think that had a lot to do with the fact that he met a man while out one night and he finally opened up to someone and told about his gay feelings, and that's when the commitment with me was broken and he became unable to perform. He wanted very badly to be straight for the reasons you mentioned--he didn't want the gay lifestyle and he wanted a family. But now that he's out, he said that he is a lot more comfortable with going out with men--said that it just feels more natural to kiss a man. And in a funny way I can relate, b/c I can't imagine kissing a woman either. I'm just glad that we can get along so well b/c I think that it's better for the kids and I haven't lost him after all--it's just that things have changed.
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Old 09-24-2009, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Chicagoland area
546 posts, read 2,221,031 times
Reputation: 513
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ View Post
no, testing is sometimes not fool proof. it may take years until truth comes peaking out
Why do you think your husband was gay?
And furthermore, if he WAS gay, how was he able to get it up?

I just say this because I'm a man and can't fathom being attracted to a guy, no matter how bad the urges get. I assume it would be the same way for gay men?
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