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Old 09-17-2009, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 19,335,267 times
Reputation: 8667

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Upon Becoming A Monk



It was late last year when I came upon what would prove to be a momentous decision: I would become a monk.


Now this wasn't due to any slight, real or perceived, that was brought about by a failed relationship, nor was it a fool's journey, thinking that I would ever after avoid the baser elements of the human race. No, this was quite simply a desire to become a more spiritual being.


This included, of course, adopting a minimalist lifestyle, plenty of prayer and exercise, a return to simple, healthy foodstuffs and a total abstinence from sex. The latter is what brings this story to mind here on the Relationships Forum - I thought perhaps that others frequent this electronic town hall who would like, or need, to learn the wondrous benefits of monkhood. So, here is my brief, almost-one-year story...


After I sold off most of my worldly goods, I proceeded first by plane, then by train, bus, pack mule and finally by foot to the Temple of The Most Wonderful Lost Lust, located in the Sung-Shan mountains of Tung-Feng county, Honan Province, China. Fellow martial artists might recognize this location as being the same in which the fabled Shaolin Temple resides; unfortunately, my grueling training schedule would not allow a pilgrimage to this sacred location.


Upon my arrival I was greeted by the Head Abbot, a portly fellow with the last name of Ancostello (a surprise, but he turned out to be from Hoboken, New Jersey - what a small world!). Abbot Ancostello introduced me to my roommate and training partner, a shifty, pale-looking Greek named Spiradyme - first name Kanyu. So along with Brother Kanyu Spiradyme and Abbot Ancostello, I entered what would be my living space for the following year - a tiny room with a single thread-bare blanket, a small wooden pillow and the stump of a melted yellow-white candle.


The trials and tribulations that I underwent were many and difficult, and I would spare those of you with weak constitutions. For those who, however, enjoy a good tale of suffering, know that yours truly was subjected to physical, mental and spiritual tests that would have eliminated any lesser man. Indeed, at times I devoutly wished nothing more than a cold bottle of beer to quaff and a warm female body to embrace.


Instead, I had to make-do with lukewarm porridge (watery pumpkin with a little rice) and the company of my Senior training instructor, Brother Wang-Chung. Wang-Chung was a true sadist, putting we acolytes through inhuman exercises and laughing insanely all the while. His comeuppance occurred in late August, when one of the bolder Brothers organized a vendetta in which we would all take part (said vendetta was launched by one Brother stealing beneath our windows and whispering “Everybody, Wang-Chung - tonight!”). Sister Lolita Humbert from the Temple of The Most Amazing Golden Yum-Yum (just down the road) having been offered a small yet sufficient payment in local coin late that night, we alerted the Head Abbot to Brother Wang-Chung's indiscretion.


Abbot Ancostello discovered Brother Wang-Chung working diligently through pages 274-279 of the Kama Sutra with petite little Sister Lolita. His ejection from the monastery was fast and painful, while we who had brought about his downfall suppressed our laughter until the Abbott had retired for the evening.
Meanwhile, my training was paying off handsomely. I had lost any urge to indulge in matters of the flesh (despite Brother Harold “Happy Tails” Hapsburg's repeated attempts to teach me the martial technique known as “Dragon Grabs The Two Celestial Pearls”). My diet had become healthier, my body strong and sleek, and my mind sharp as a tack. I had forsaken alcohol, tobacco and drugs of any sort.


I was purified. I was a truly spiritual person. I was at peace.


...until just now, when I returned home and connected to this damned forum once again..
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,516,378 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
Upon Becoming A Monk



It was late last year when I came upon what would prove to be a momentous decision: I would become a monk.


Now this wasn't due to any slight, real or perceived, that was brought about by a failed relationship, nor was it a fool's journey, thinking that I would ever after avoid the baser elements of the human race. No, this was quite simply a desire to become a more spiritual being.


This included, of course, adopting a minimalist lifestyle, plenty of prayer and exercise, a return to simple, healthy foodstuffs and a total abstinence from sex. The latter is what brings this story to mind here on the Relationships Forum - I thought perhaps that others frequent this electronic town hall who would like, or need, to learn the wondrous benefits of monkhood. So, here is my brief, almost-one-year story...


After I sold off most of my worldly goods, I proceeded first by plane, then by train, bus, pack mule and finally by foot to the Temple of The Most Wonderful Lost Lust, located in the Sung-Shan mountains of Tung-Feng county, Honan Province, China. Fellow martial artists might recognize this location as being the same in which the fabled Shaolin Temple resides; unfortunately, my grueling training schedule would not allow a pilgrimage to this sacred location.


Upon my arrival I was greeted by the Head Abbot, a portly fellow with the last name of Ancostello (a surprise, but he turned out to be from Hoboken, New Jersey - what a small world!). Abbot Ancostello introduced me to my roommate and training partner, a shifty, pale-looking Greek named Spiradyme - first name Kanyu. So along with Brother Kanyu Spiradyme and Abbot Ancostello, I entered what would be my living space for the following year - a tiny room with a single thread-bare blanket, a small wooden pillow and the stump of a melted yellow-white candle.


The trials and tribulations that I underwent were many and difficult, and I would spare those of you with weak constitutions. For those who, however, enjoy a good tale of suffering, know that yours truly was subjected to physical, mental and spiritual tests that would have eliminated any lesser man. Indeed, at times I devoutly wished nothing more than a cold bottle of beer to quaff and a warm female body to embrace.


Instead, I had to make-do with lukewarm porridge (watery pumpkin with a little rice) and the company of my Senior training instructor, Brother Wang-Chung. Wang-Chung was a true sadist, putting we acolytes through inhuman exercises and laughing insanely all the while. His comeuppance occurred in late August, when one of the bolder Brothers organized a vendetta in which we would all take part (said vendetta was launched by one Brother stealing beneath our windows and whispering “Everybody, Wang-Chung - tonight!”). Sister Lolita Humbert from the Temple of The Most Amazing Golden Yum-Yum (just down the road) having been offered a small yet sufficient payment in local coin late that night, we alerted the Head Abbot to Brother Wang-Chung's indiscretion.


Abbot Ancostello discovered Brother Wang-Chung working diligently through pages 274-279 of the Kama Sutra with petite little Sister Lolita. His ejection from the monastery was fast and painful, while we who had brought about his downfall suppressed our laughter until the Abbott had retired for the evening.
Meanwhile, my training was paying off handsomely. I had lost any urge to indulge in matters of the flesh (despite Brother Harold “Happy Tails” Hapsburg's repeated attempts to teach me the martial technique known as “Dragon Grabs The Two Celestial Pearls”). My diet had become healthier, my body strong and sleek, and my mind sharp as a tack. I had forsaken alcohol, tobacco and drugs of any sort.


I was purified. I was a truly spiritual person. I was at peace.


...until just now, when I returned home and connected to this damned forum once again..

hahahahahaha - YAY! You're back!!! I know I missed your posts
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:27 AM
 
4,249 posts, read 8,137,817 times
Reputation: 5085
What was wrong with American monasteries?
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, TN
8,000 posts, read 17,096,461 times
Reputation: 12328
Gosh, why does Abbot Ancostello sound so familiar? Sounds like someone I dated? No?
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:38 AM
 
5,007 posts, read 7,866,749 times
Reputation: 5703
Welcome back! We missed you!!!
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:41 AM
 
Location: in my imagination
11,397 posts, read 18,599,912 times
Reputation: 7934
HAHA our pal Phil has not lost his flair for creative BS in fact it seems to have grown
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 19,335,267 times
Reputation: 8667
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
hahahahahaha - YAY! You're back!!! I know I missed your posts
Aw, thank you. I missed you too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cricket_factor
Welcome back! We missed you!!!
*sniff*...now I'm gonna' get all weepy...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonaLisaVito
Gosh, why does Abbot Ancostello sound so familiar? Sounds like someone I dated?
Were they on first?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala
What was wrong with American monasteries?
Well, my orange robes clashed with the yarmulke...
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:45 PM
 
17,751 posts, read 15,642,092 times
Reputation: 6391
This guy
I have been looking my whole life for a person with a sense of humor like this. When he said he traveled across the world only to meet up with someone from Hoboken, New Jersey, I though it was the begining of a most tragic story. That's like inheriting a Sultan's Harem where upon lifting the first veil you see Betty Friedan's face staring back at you.

But no, a most elaborate satire.
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 19,335,267 times
Reputation: 8667
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynedd1 View Post
This guy
I have been looking my whole life for a person with a sense of humor like this.
With all due respect, keep looking.

Trust me.

Even the stray dogs in the temple avoided me.
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:47 PM
 
25,165 posts, read 48,411,385 times
Reputation: 6958
One of the handful of posters I could relate too. It is nice to see a creative and articulate writer back on the forum.
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