U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-20-2009, 12:43 AM
 
9,912 posts, read 12,480,529 times
Reputation: 7280

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
Ok so here's the thing...I am a friendly, outgoing, flirty, completely happy woman and I realize I really need to be a little more reserved. I dont want to come off like a b*tch though.
No, you don't need to be a little more reserved, always be yourself.
Don't worry about coming off like a b*tch IF the behaviour you are on the receiving end of warrants it. Sometimes if a person has completely read the situation incorrectly and think they've got half a chance you really need to be blunt. AND I say this to you knowing that you're probably not capable of true bluntness yet BUT it's definitely something that you need to develop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
Here's what happened last night...
I had a few friends over last night and I'm being a outgoing (flirty whatever), just because thats my personality (Not flirting intentionally). Well guy #1 at the end of the night gets jealous of me hanging out with guy #2 most of the night, so I get a text from him after they leave asking what was going on with me and guy #2 in which I reply "nothing."
Can't see anything wrong with what's happened ^ here. Guy #1 has clearly been running his own agenda and to your credit you've not got sucked into his vortex or played along with his drama. I might have added something suitably benign to the end of the text like, "nothing, it was great to see you. I had a good night, hope you did too, talk to you soon."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
And then there is guy #3, guy #3 gets jealous of guy #1 & #2 and (what appears to be on purpose bc of comments he made) locks his keys in his car so that he has to stay the night, which I did NOT realize at first (WHO DOES THAT?!?!?). Everyone leaves and guy #3 says "well looks like I have to sleep over" and starts taking his clothes off! I tell him he'll be very comfortable on the couch and I'll wake him up @ 6, like he wanted. Then he tries to tell me how badly "I want him!" NOT TRUE!!! Tells me he knows I feel the chemistry and he'll show me a good time. I make it very clear that I have no interest in him and tell him to go back to the couch. He tries yet AGAIN! And he was shot down AGAIN! I told him I was sorry if I mislead him in anyway, and he brings up my flirting, I tell him how sorry I am and I'm just very outgoing and bubbly...he still finds this hard to believe, and finally goes to sleep on the couch. I lock my bedroom door and lie there dumbfounded lol. I thought we were just having fun hanging out nothing more! WOW!
Think you've handled this outrageously obvious and pathetic effort very well up (particularly the part I highlighted in red) BUT the bit I've bolded in black is where it's gone a little pear shaped. You should not be apologizing profusely to him for your behaviour. It is he that is behaving badly at this point. You acknowledging you are sorry, using the term "mislead" and then "excusing" or "apologizing" for your personality (ie I'm just very outgoing and bubbly) is not right. YOU have done nothing wrong and you're not responsible for other people's impressions or (deliberate) misinterpretations of your intentions. Do not be apologizing for your personality. I noted elsewhere in the thread that you said something along the lines of your mother considers you "too kind"? Well in my opinion AND from past experience with having the same "flaw" levelled at me I'd say this is the part where you need to develop a more empowered language and stance.
Be yourself but don't be afraid to be blunt when it's required. After you'd initially made it clear you had no interest and requested he go back to the couch (entirely the right thing to do in the circumstances) I'd then have prepared to be a little more blunt and less "friendly" when he came back.
In an even tone I'd have said something along the lines of, "I am not comfortable with this situation, I am not interested in you in that way. I am going back to bed and if you cannot just go to the couch and sleep then I'd prefer you leave".


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
Why is it that being outgoing and bubbly is more trouble then anything? I mean when I go out with friends or have people over should I just sit there, be quiet, laugh occassionally??
NO! You need to continue being yourself but you do need to develop the skills to recognize and respond appropriately when someone either deliberately or inadvertantly starts running their own agenda.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
I just thought I was in good company with friends who I have known for a decent amount of time and was having a good time. Does anyone else have this issue? If so how do you tone it down? I want to have fun but apparently its coming off VERY wrong to people and I need advice! HELP!!!!!!!
I understand what you are saying very well because I've had similar problems myself, in the past. It doesn't happen that often now though and I suspect that's for a couple of reasons 1) I'm dealing with an older age group now and 2) I've learned to recognize and deal with these situations when they come up without changing who I am too drastically.
It really is a simple matter of recognizing when the situation has taken a turn in a direction you're not comfortable with AND then using firm and concise language and body language to assert your boundaries.
I think you're doing pretty well with it so far, in that it's a crappy end to the night but you've handled it pretty well under the circumstances. You just need to hone those skills a little more AND be very clear about what your boundaries are and what you will and won't tolerate. AND please don't apologize for who you are OR change that part of your personality. Just work on developing other aspects of yourself, like being assertive when you need to.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-20-2009, 12:55 AM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,389,224 times
Reputation: 22357
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
Ok so here's the thing...I am a friendly, outgoing, flirty, completely happy woman and I realize I really need to be a little more reserved. I dont want to come off like a b*tch though.

Here's what happened last night...
I had a few friends over last night and I'm being a outgoing (flirty whatever), just because thats my personality (Not flirting intentionally). Well guy #1 at the end of the night gets jealous of me hanging out with guy #2 most of the night, so I get a text from him after they leave asking what was going on with me and guy #2 in which I reply "nothing." And then there is guy #3, guy #3 gets jealous of guy #1 & #2 and (what appears to be on purpose bc of comments he made) locks his keys in his car so that he has to stay the night, which I did NOT realize at first (WHO DOES THAT?!?!?). Everyone leaves and guy #3 says "well looks like I have to sleep over" and starts taking his clothes off! I tell him he'll be very comfortable on the couch and I'll wake him up @ 6, like he wanted. Then he tries to tell me how badly "I want him!" NOT TRUE!!! Tells me he knows I feel the chemistry and he'll show me a good time. I make it very clear that I have no interest in him and tell him to go back to the couch. He tries yet AGAIN! And he was shot down AGAIN! I told him I was sorry if I mislead him in anyway, and he brings up my flirting, I tell him how sorry I am and I'm just very outgoing and bubbly...he still finds this hard to believe, and finally goes to sleep on the couch. I lock my bedroom door and lie there dumbfounded lol. I thought we were just having fun hanging out nothing more! WOW!

Why is it that being outgoing and bubbly is more trouble then anything? I mean when I go out with friends or have people over should I just sit there, be quiet, laugh occassionally?? I just thought I was in good company with friends who I have known for a decent amount of time and was having a good time. Does anyone else have this issue? If so how do you tone it down? I want to have fun but apparently its coming off VERY wrong to people and I need advice! HELP!!!!!!!
I am not saying that YOU are self-centered (I don't even know you), but I am will say that a lot of "flirty" people (women) are very self-centered because they just love that attention. Men, being different from women, often do not understand this and misread the whole thing, which of course, is exactly what happened to you.

You know, a lot of people put themselves in potentially dangerous situations by acting impulsively. I think I would try to avoid confrontations like you describe in your post. It may make you feel like you are the center of the universe, but one of these days you are going to tick off the wrong person, and he is going to beat the poo out of you or worse.

As your "friend" demonstated, men who react to "flirty" girls do not think they are smart or charming or particular interesting even. They think that they will "get some" and proceed accordingly. It is every so much better to have friends who honor and respect you than ones that just want to crawl into bed with you, don't you think? Doesn't this make you think that maybe you could develop a better approach to this whole thing?

I'm not being critical. But I sure wish someone had suggested this to me when I was 21. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me until I was over 40 to figure it out for myself.

20yrsinBranson
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2009, 09:55 AM
 
1,158 posts, read 3,375,619 times
Reputation: 758
So you guys weren't even dating and those losers already started getting territorial? That's pathetic.

Look, just be yourself. Anytime a woman starts overthinking bad things happen.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2009, 05:55 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 13,074,489 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
The last time I had three guys in my house at one time - the furnace was broken and they were fixing it. So, don't know.

This is something, however, with some phsyical gestering involved, in order to determine if you were acting inappropriately to the situation or taking it too far or just simply being as you say 'bubbly.' So, since we can't see this activity it's a bit hard to determine much from just the post. Was there anyone else in your house at the time besides these three guys who could shed first hand light on this situation for you?

What she failed to mention was that I was there too (here Mom), we are all friends, (I work with all three guys), she is friends. We are a very large group of friends that OFTEN hang out.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2009, 05:57 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 13,074,489 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
I'll start going out in hoodies and sweat pants, maybe that will calm them down? Or is that a turn on too?

No baby girl, brown burlap bag and a bag over your head, that's the ONLY way!!! LOL
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2009, 06:01 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 13,074,489 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
Ooooh...

...the dog park! I never even THOUGHT of THAT before...

Thanks! And good luck with the guys!

*(runs off to get his leash and chew toys)*
SifuPhil, how did we EVER live without you all of this time??!!! LOL
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2009, 06:07 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 13,074,489 times
Reputation: 3732
On a final note to this thread, Ablees8951 is my daughter, not only is she very good looking, she has a body that kills, she is smart and has a great job, a nice car and has her ducks all in a row. I've already schooled her as to the ways of life in this department, hence why she handled things so well. The women in my family are just *cursed* LOL (totally being sarcastic here) with good looks and personality!!! LOL Everyone gave her some great advice!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2009, 03:59 PM
 
17,751 posts, read 15,663,102 times
Reputation: 6391
Quote:
Originally Posted by andreaspercheron View Post
On a final note to this thread, Ablees8951 is my daughter, not only is she very good looking, she has a body that kills, she is smart and has a great job, a nice car and has her ducks all in a row. I've already schooled her as to the ways of life in this department, hence why she handled things so well. The women in my family are just *cursed* LOL (totally being sarcastic here) with good looks and personality!!! LOL Everyone gave her some great advice!!!
Hi andreaspercheron,

You have done a fine job. I like nothing better than well adjusted beautiful women. Its better than apple blossoms blowing off the trees in spring. But the atmosphere needs to be right. Its why God created people like me and 2 by 4s with nails in em to whack sense into people that mess with them and make them agitated. Once they behave themselves, I get all tender and nice and toss them a pair of pliers to pull the nails out.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-23-2009, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Rockland County New York
2,984 posts, read 5,247,797 times
Reputation: 1293
In the past if I thought a women was not clear on the impression she was tring to portray, I would be up from and ask her to explain herself. I guess I hate playing games and had little time for nonsense. My wife on the other hand was pretty up front about what she wanted and spelled it out straight forward.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-23-2009, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 13,074,489 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stac2007 View Post
In the past if I thought a women was not clear on the impression she was tring to portray, I would be up from and ask her to explain herself. I guess I hate playing games and had little time for nonsense. My wife on the other hand was pretty up front about what she wanted and spelled it out straight forward.

Same here and that's how I've raised my kids. I hate beating around the bush and all that back door crap. Just say what's on your mind - good or bad and get on with it. I hate it when you meet people that play games.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:56 AM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top