My wife got ticked at this e-mail (guys, couple, relations)
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I agree. From his other threads it sounds like she is definitely emotionally closed off and blocked.
And always right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by queenlisa
yeah when itcomes to making statements like thst it's better to talk face to face
I figured I'd try an e-mail to see if it would sink in, without her jumping right back down my throat.
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Originally Posted by Darthfrodo
Honestly there are too many good responses here to comment on. Let us know how it goes, if she lets you live.
We talked last Saturday. I had to keep telling her that swearing was not necessary and I want a discussion, not a fight. Still alive and living in the same house.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mango tango
Sigh.
I have never understood why people feel the need to bring up a serious problem through email or text messaging. Some things just NEED to be discussed in person, or at the very least over the phone.
I applaud you for even broaching the subject. I think the fact that you did it - even if not through the best form of communication - says that you are trying. From all the whining that goes on in this forum about women and men not sharing or not talking, you'd think you'd be more supported for giving it a go!
I don't think it was such a bad email. It would not have pissed me off, personally, unless you had never expressed any of those sentiments before. If she thought everything was just great (but surely she is not that dense), and this was a total bombshell, then I could see why she would be upset. Couples that can't have a civil conversation in person can often at least get some things out in the open through email...I think any communication (as long as it's not hateful) is better than none.
Have you lost your cotton-picking mind? What the hell were you thinking when you wrote this?
Let's see all the possible conclusions she could have drawn from your missive:
1. Great. I'm out here busting my ass in some strange city and he's laying a guilt trip on me.
2. Great. He telling me that he's bored with the relationship.
3. Great. He's not mature enough to talk about this with me in person. Instead he throws this little bit of dynamite over the transom without my having an appropriate way to respond.
4. Great. He doesn't miss me nearly as much now when I go away.
5. Great. I'm married to a hypochondriac.
Do you see how many ways she could misinterpret this vague note? Man, next time you want to put some spark back in the marriage, why don't you try to write this a little differently? Here's an example:
My beloved.
I am so proud of you and know that you work hard for the both of us. I know that our lives have been incredibly busy lately, but I wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I love you and that I miss you when you're away. You are my soul and my reason for living, and I never want you to forget that.
You've been working awfully hard and I know how important that is. That being said, I would really enjoy nothing better than the two of us to just spend some time together, away from the office and the mobile phone, just to recharge our batteries. You deserve it, as do I.
Let's talk tonight about it. I have some great ideas.
How hard could it have been to write something like that? My God, it took me all of forty-five seconds.
You travel so much that it has become routine and easier (don't take that the wrong way, I miss you every trip).
What does that say to you?
I'll tell ya what I read into this: Why do you have to travel all the time? Can't you just be like normal wives with normal jobs? You go away so much that half the time I don't even miss you, and hardly ever even think of you.
I won't go into the rest, as it just gets worse from there.
Now, I want you to look at this:
I really missed you this trip. I always miss us being able to spend time together. As soon as I drove away from the airport I felt my heart ache. I know how much your work means to you, and I'm extremely proud of what you do. I believe that you could take on the world and win, and I don't want you to ever doubt that.
Lately, I've been worried about how I feel. I feel as if this has become all too routine, and it scares me. I want to start feeling sick again every time you go away. I want to be closer to you, you mean the world to me.
I think that when you get back we should go out on a date. I have the perfect idea, but I want it to be a surprise....
First paragraph reassures her that you're still in love with her, and that your feelings are not the result of her lifes' decisions. It is not because of her ambition that you feel this way, it is because you feel as if the two of you have drifted apart. Basically, it just lifts her up and shows her that you really care.
Second paragraph describes how you feel, but does not accuse her of anything. In fact, you're being open and honest, while at the same time telling her that you want to spend more quality time with her.
Third paragraph contains the punch line: That is, you value her and the time you two spend together that you've taken the time to set up something extraordinary just to please her. At the same time, it builds her anticipation, and all the time she's away she'll be thinking about that surprise.
It's the same when you talk to her, and you have to watch that. It's all too easy for peoples' feelings to get hurt over something that was taken the wrong way. Instead of saying, "You", try saying, "I believe that", or "I feel".. People will be a lot more receptive to you when you use positive language.
So, now you have something set up, but it's only a one time thing. That's all fine and good, but in order to revive that "spark", it takes more than that. You have to learn how she feels loved, and then do those things that show her that you love her. At the same time, make your relationship exciting. Create little surprises for her that she will be receptive to. Be playful - sneak a dirty love letter into her purse.. Call her up while she's at work just to tell her how unbelievably sexy she is. Give her a massage after a hard day's work.. Don't just tell her that you love her, but show her.
It'll take a few weeks - or maybe even a few months - but if you keep on doing this then she'll notice. She'll start to do those things in return.. and then, guess what? Well, before you know it, you'll seem like you're dating the hottest chick on campus.
I wish you both the best.. And remember, just have fun with it. That's what life's all about, right?
---I just read CPG's post.. (I really should start reading all the posts BEFORE I reply, but my damn fingers get too worked up.) I'd really listen to what they have to say.. As usual, he's spot on.
Last edited by UrbanBlasphemy; 09-23-2009 at 10:41 PM..
Reason: Read all the posts.. :|
I really missed you this trip. You travel so much that it has become routine and easier (don't take that the wrong way, I miss you every trip). I want to start feeling sick again every time you go away. I think we are in a ho-hum state. Our lives together are in the doldrums. No, nothing is wrong. Just seemed like a good time to express this, being that you were xxxx miles away for 5 days.
Call me when you land and get through customs.
I love you.
I think you should have stated this to her in person. Your message was important - but your method of delivery undermined it.
With all of the technological advances in communication, there is still nothing that can adequately and clearly state what the heart feels and the mind thinks about important issues than speaking face-to-face to allow for the associated body language, facial expressions, and tones of voice. The way you did it, its no wonder the relationship is in the doldrums.
And I'm stating this as someone who loves technology.
I have never understood why people feel the need to bring up a serious problem through email or text messaging. Some things just NEED to be discussed in person, or at the very least over the phone.
I guess it depends; I don't have an issue with getting a text or email saying I need to talk to you but I would be annoyed if you dumped all your complaints on me via message...plus I've found with writing without a lot of smiley faces and "lol" people can't tell if you're being sarcastic or serious so there's a lot of room for misunderstandings. If you have a problem I want you to tell me what it is I don't want to have to guess at what I think you're trying to tell me.
My bf has been known to send me messages that say "I've scheduled a meeting for tonight at 9:30; please confirm your attendance" lol it makes me laugh every time even though 9 times out of 10 I know I'm not going to like what he wants to talk about.
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