The "Controlling" Label (wife, boyfriend, women, calling)
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Most women I know say they would never want to be with a guy who's controlling, which I completely understand. But what I've noticed is how easily some people assign this label. For example, a coworker of mine described her boyfriend that way. When I asked her to explain how, she gave two examples:
1. "Whenever I go out with my friends, he'll ask where we're going and what time I'll be home"
2. "If I spend a lot of time on my own, he'll ask me 'when will we get to spend some time together?'"
I didn't say anything to her, but based only on the examples she gave me, I didn't think the BF was controlling. I think he asked legitimate questions that most people would expect to hear from their partner. If I go out with my friends, I'd expect my partner to ask where I'm going and what time I'll be home. Those are general questions that people ask of their partners. It's not the same as saying "tell me exactly where you're going, who's gonna be there, what you'll be doing and send me updates every hour." Also, if I'm spending a lot of time doing my own things apart from my partner, then of course I would expect her to ask when she'll get some of my time. It just amazes me that my coworker was so quick to assign the "controlling" label. If these are the best examples she could come up with, I would hate to think how she'd react to someone who's really controlling.
What does it say about her if she thinks this qualifies as controlling behavior? Do you think there are some deeper psychological issues at work? What do you think they could be?
Or do you agree with her and think her BF is out of line for asking such things?
I was talking to my Dad today and we were discussing how some people act around other people.
Let's say a guy and a girl don't see eye to eye. He says to her, "Please be quiet." She says, "No, you be quiet." "Listen, all I am asking you is to be quiet." "NO...YOU be quiet." (You see where this is going)
This escalates to the man calling her a bad name in anger. Now he is labeled a "VERBAL ABUSIVE PERSON."
WHAT? Come on!
I think there are alot of things that are blown out of proportion.
I agree. We have become obsessed with labels. Two examples of a person's behavior and we are quick to call someone abusive, controlling, addicted, angry, co-dependent etc. It keeps Lawyers, and Therapists in business. Most labels thrown out there on people usually wind up either in court attached to a lawsuit, or some therapist who needs to talk to someone about their so-called "anger" or "addiction" issues.
Most women I know say they would never want to be with a guy who's controlling, which I completely understand. But what I've noticed is how easily some people assign this label.
I agree with you.
My gf thinks I am a control freak because I want her to quit her 3 pack a day cigarette addiction. She can give no other examples of controlling behavior...
Funny how that works huh?
I finally gave in and agreed. "Fine! I am a control freak! I want to control whether you live or die!"
I am sure there are some controlling men out there, but I think the majority of women do not know what it's like to be with a true control freak.
I don't doubt that the people who assign this label truly believe the person is controlling. But what does it say about them that they're able to describe what I think of as expected behavior with that label? Are there some psychological issues at work?
It's one of those hair-trigger labels that people slap on others, particularly when it involves being considerate of the other person.
Early in our marriage, when my wife was going somewhere with one of her friends, I'd ask what time she'd be home, and she'd throw that out at me.
No, I'd explain. It's Saturday. I want to plan my day. If you're going to be home by five, then I'll know that we're having dinner together. If you're going to be home by three, then I know that I'm not going to watch the game with my friends. How hard is that concept for you?
My wife whips this one out a lot too. For her, it goes something like this. She walks in with several shopping bags. I ask, what did you buy? She give a vague, non committal answer. I ask, how much did you spend? No reply. Then, I get up to see a receipt .. oh, I see this is about $900 of clothes that she will soon ship off to some thrift store to make room for more crap. My wife then gets angry. That's when the "controlling" label is slapped on. Look, I have no problem with my wife spending money. She herself will be the first to say I am generous guy. However, uh yeah, when I see several thousand dollars of merchandise being carried into my house in a month's time period (and no this is no exxaggeration) I get kind of curious about where the money is coming from, seeing as how we're by no means rich. I kind of like to have a say about money that is put on joint credit cards and/or is taken out of our savings. I guess I'm kind of a "control freak" in that way.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I would think people who considered that controlling are probably just chronic complainers. I think that would just be common courtesy and consideration for their partner to both ask and answer that without feeling violated.
Most women I know say they would never want to be with a guy who's controlling, which I completely understand. But what I've noticed is how easily some people assign this label. For example, a coworker of mine described her boyfriend that way. When I asked her to explain how, she gave two examples:
1. "Whenever I go out with my friends, he'll ask where we're going and what time I'll be home"
2. "If I spend a lot of time on my own, he'll ask me 'when will we get to spend some time together?'"
I didn't say anything to her, but based only on the examples she gave me, I didn't think the BF was controlling. I think he asked legitimate questions that most people would expect to hear from their partner. If I go out with my friends, I'd expect my partner to ask where I'm going and what time I'll be home. Those are general questions that people ask of their partners. It's not the same as saying "tell me exactly where you're going, who's gonna be there, what you'll be doing and send me updates every hour." Also, if I'm spending a lot of time doing my own things apart from my partner, then of course I would expect her to ask when she'll get some of my time. It just amazes me that my coworker was so quick to assign the "controlling" label. If these are the best examples she could come up with, I would hate to think how she'd react to someone who's really controlling.
What does it say about her if she thinks this qualifies as controlling behavior? Do you think there are some deeper psychological issues at work? What do you think they could be?
Or do you agree with her and think her BF is out of line for asking such things?
I think she's probably not cut out for a commitment at this time. Nothing wrong with that unless she stays in it.
I don't think her BF is wrong for asking, but how long have they been together, do they live together - these are important to know.
Still, asking doesn't necessarily mean he will get the answer he wants to hear. I don't go out a lot when I am in a committed relationship. But, even when living with someone, I won't be put on a time limit. My answer would be, "I don't know, I'll call you when I'm on my way home." But this would be an issue that would be discussed up front, so he could decide if that is something he is willing to accept.
I think she's probably not cut out for a commitment at this time. Nothing wrong with that unless she stays in it.
I don't think her BF is wrong for asking, but how long have they been together, do they live together - these are important to know.
Still, asking doesn't necessarily mean he will get the answer he wants to hear. I don't go out a lot when I am in a committed relationship. But, even when living with someone, I won't be put on a time limit. My answer would be, "I don't know, I'll call you when I'm on my way home." But this would be an issue that would be discussed up front, so he could decide if that is something he is willing to accept.
I agree that she's not cut out for commitment. And yes, they do live together. I don't know how long they've been together, but I do know they've been living together for almost a year.
If my partner gave the kind of answer you just gave, it wouldn't sit well with me. I would never put a time limit on my partner or expect her to give me a detailed report of her activities, but I would expect her to be respectful of my time considering we live together. Should I expect her for dinner or am I on my own? If I go out, do I need to be home back in time to let the dogs out or will she be home in time to do that? Letting your partner know when you'll be home doesn't mean you're letting them control you or put a time limit on you. It's just basic courtesy and respect of another person's time.
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