Husband won't accept responsibility!! ARG!! (how to, marriage, women, love)

[cold_eh_ND]

I love my dear husband to death! We have a good solid marriage and rarely fight/argue. My problem is that dear hubby will NOT take responsibility for his words or actions! We do have really good communication otherwise, so if he says something off-key or hurtful, I will tell him right away that what he said hurt. I don't get mad...not right away. It's when he deters the situation and twists it around and makes it sound like my fault. For instance, he makes a childish comment and I say "Ouch..that hurt". Then come the excuses, and denial of taking responsibility and after 20 minutes of listening to him respond to my little It hurt comment, that's when I tell him that a simple apology was all I wanted. Of course he tells me I'm mad at him (which I'm not at this point) but then I get frustrated and say "if you keep making excuses then yes, I'm gonna get mad", and without blinking an eye or taking a breath he turns it around on me saying , "well you **** me off too". WTF? What's that about? This man will never apologize for anything!! Or if he accidently bumps into me and it actually physically hurt, I'll say ouch and he'll turn around and say "that didn't hurt". Again, what's that about? I have completely run out of ideas as to what to say to get him to realize that sometimes he's just flat out wrong. I'm quick to apologize when I have done or said something to hurt his feelings, but geeze! How do I get him to see where I'm coming from? Sorry for whining. I'm just tired of this game he plays with not taking responsibility for his actions. The only time he ever apologizes is when I have to ask him to...usually hours and hours later...I'll tell him all I want is for him to show that he didn't intentionally hurt my feelings. I know this sounds like a small thing because the big picture is generally a good one, but lately it's REALLY getting on my nerves. I know he loves me, but would just like him to once in a while even say 'I'm' sorry on his own without a 2 hour excuse for why he said what he said. Any suggestions??

[JustPassinThru]

Two hours? He's a saint.

I would have been out the door in 15 minutes.

[Cosmic]

First quit all the jawing.

Second get a small box and some slips of green and red paper.

The green slips are for an Atta Boy. When he does something good, put a green slip in the box.

The red slips are for an Aw Schitt. When he does something bad, put a red slip in the box.

At the end of the week, count up the Atta Boys and Aw Schitts. Most peeps claim it takes 5 Atta Boys to equal one Aw Schitts. I might use a ratio of 3 to 1, all men must have a handicap or no women will be happy.

If you have more Atta Boys than Aw Schitts, then you must praise him.

If you have more Aw Schitts than Atta Boys, he must say he is sorry. Plus he will have had the required time to either do a lot of Atta Boys or come to grips with the need to do the Sorry(s).

You approach is too much like most women. Instant results and lots of fuss combined with much jawing. Use this new Management by Objective approach and take the extra saved time for a nap. Most problems can be solved with a wee bit of time at the kitchen table.

[cold_eh_ND]

Originally Posted by Cosmic

First quit all the jawing.

Second get a small box and some slips of green and red paper.

The green slips are for an Atta Boy. When he does something good, put a green slip in the box.

The red slips are for an Aw Schitt. When he does something bad, put a red slip in the box.

At the end of the week, count up the Atta Boys and Aw Schitts. Most peeps claim it takes 5 Atta Boys to equal one Aw Schitts. I might use a ratio of 3 to 1, all men must have a handicap or no women will be happy.

If you have more Atta Boys than Aw Schitts, then you must praise him.

If you have more Aw Schitts than Atta Boys, he must say he is sorry. Plus he will have had the required time to either do a lot of Atta Boys or come to grips with the need to do the Sorry(s).

You approach is too much like most women. Instant results and lots of fuss combined with much jawing. Use this new Management by Objective approach and take the extra saved time for a nap. Most problems can be solved with a wee bit of time at the kitchen table.

Good idea, problem is it's VERY rarely that I complain. Like I said, he's a wonderful husband. Normally when he ticks me off I walk away and don't say anything or expect anything...it's the blatent childish remarks he makes that tick me off....well, they don't tick me off, he does that later. Trust me, he has it good, as do I. He gets told EVERDAY how much he is appreciated, even if I'm ticked at him. It's our little way of keeping a peaceful marriage. However, having said that, there is a line and sometimes it gets crossed. I am not the one jawing..he is. I barely say a word, mostly because I don't get a chance to. I just sit and listen. Why is it so hard that if you hurt someone, you can't just turn and say "sorry, that's not how I intended it to come out". Then that's it, that's all, end of discussion. Why is that asking alot?

[Twinkle Toes]

Not that this works for everyone, but when hubby and I have some kind of "disagreement" and he feels the need to put me down for this, that or the other, I just respond something like this: "Oh yes, you are just Mr. Wonderful. You are 100% good and I am all bad. Yep, you're right and I'm wrong." Well, you get the idea. Anyway, after a couple minutes of this, he usually just shuts up and leaves me alone.

[KewGee]

I'm a female and I agree that he should have been out the door in 15 minutes. It's ridiculous that he has to be forced to abide by your wishes. You might want to do a little soul-searching before he decides to walk out the door within 15 minutes and not return.

His 20 minutes of "denial" must be a nuisance for you as well. Your post really sounds like two immature teens having a quarrel over nothing important. Live and let live.

I once read a cute little thing about love:

Love is never having to say, "I'm sorry."

[Cosmic]

Just use the box and let those red slips pile up.

Like in soccer, when the referee holds up that yellow or red card. You don't got to say nothing. The penalty will be paid. You could even build a penalty box in the kitchen. Only he will spend time in there like in most good relationships. Might have to wear a sign around his neck that sezs, "I am truly SORRY".

His problem sounds like you are in a part of the country where the porn takes forever to down load on a dial up connection. He has far to much free time to get into big trouble.

[cold_eh_ND]

Originally Posted by KewGee

I'm a female and I agree that he should have been out the door in 15 minutes. It's ridiculous that he has to be forced to abide by your wishes. You might want to do a little soul-searching before he decides to walk out the door within 15 minutes and not return.

His 20 minutes of "denial" must be a nuisance for you as well. Your post really sounds like two immature teens having a quarrel over nothing important. Live and let live.

I once read a cute little thing about love:

Love is never having to say, "I'm sorry."

He's not forced to sit and explain himself! I would RATHER he didn't as this is what leads to an argument. Although it sounds relatively unimportant, there is much more behind it and even the little things ARE important.

I in no way fear he will walk out and not return. We do not have that kind of marriage. We are very close and love eachother very much...it's not an option for either of us. I was simply asking for a suggestion/s as to how to comunicate to him how I feel when he does this. It's so easy for people to say 'leave him' or 'he's gonna leave you'....do people not work things out anymore? Do people go into marriage now based solely on an alternative of divorce?

[cold_eh_ND]

Originally Posted by Cosmic

Just use the box and let those red slips pile up.

Like in soccer, when the referee holds up that yellow or red card. You don't got to say nothing. The penalty will be paid. You could even build a penalty box in the kitchen. Only he will spend time in there like in most good relationships. Might have to wear a sign around his neck that sezs, "I am truly SORRY".

His problem sounds like you are in a part of the country where the porn takes forever to down load on a dial up connection. He has far to much free time to get into big trouble.

What side of who's bed did you wake up on this morning??? GEEZE!!

[Cosmic]

Originally Posted by cold_eh_ND

What side of who's bed did you wake up on this morning??? GEEZE!!

If you build the penalty box and put the sign around his neck, he will be Sorry one way or the other.

Make up your mind who you want to be Sorry.

With my arrangement I can only get out on the Right Side of the Bed.