How to give advice when you don't want to (girlfriend, woman, younger)

[MAtheBanker]

I've got one hell of an update if anyone has any desire to hear it. I can't sleep...hence why I'm on here at 3am.

[karuna95]

Make yourself comfortable on the couch and tell us all about it

[yellowsnow]

Speak up!

Life IS short. Rather than spend time with regrets and wondering, find out. It's either yes, or no. And either way, you'll KNOW what to do.

[cpg35223]

I've learned to almost never give it in real life.

But a couple of times, when pressed for my opinion, I've asked, "Do you really want to know what I think, because you probably won't like it. And will it change what you're going to do?" That typically stops them, for people usually don't want advice. They want validation instead.

If they really want the advice then, I give it. Usually with both barrels. I don't pussyfoot around.

[tuteishungry]

Originally Posted by MAtheBanker

I feel like I'm a stupid teenager in high school for asking this question, but I just have to get it out.

When someone you're interested in (but don't really have any chance with) asks for advice and your opinion on another person of the opposite sex, is there any way to give an unbiased opinion?

My friend wants advice on a girl he thinks likes him. I told him he doesn't want my advice (I'm completely biased), but he insists he wants to hear it. Do I tell him the honest truth, that I don't care to have him come to me for advice on girls, or do I suck it up and just talk to him? We've been friends for years and he really values my opinion, as do I his.

He said "I'll come over tonight so we can talk about it."

Ugh...

Ma, i've been in this situation plenty. He is asking for your advice becuse he trusts you. You ARE his friend, and there is a reason why he is confiding in you. Maybe, before you tell him anything, give him the "i'm going to be totally biased" disclaimer.

Do you go to him for advice for other men?

[STT Resident]

Originally Posted by MAtheBanker

I've got one hell of an update if anyone has any desire to hear it. I can't sleep...hence why I'm on here at 3am.

A teasing cliffhanger!

As far as your being a mormon and he a Jehova's witness, good friends of mine call themselves a JaMormon couple. He's Jamaican and she's mormon.

So cough up the story already.

[MAtheBanker]

I'll recount what happened, even though it's probably best for me if I forget about it ASAP.

He comes over and I tell him right off the bat again that he really doesn't want my opinion, as what I have to say is more from a jealous girl stand point than a real friend stand point. He insists, I say no, again. I'm already on the verge of tears as it is (I'm a girl...cut me some slack), so of course when he asks, "Are you OK?" I start crying. He KNOWS why I'm crying.

Before you think I'm one of those idiot girls that just cries for no reason to get her way, or I become nutso at the first sign of things not going my way, that's not the case at all. I rarely cry, and in the 5 years he's known me, I've cried maybe 3 times in front of him. Considering we spend every single day together, I'm hardly your typical girl.

Anyway, he's apologizing for making me cry, which only sets me off more. I refuse to tell him why I'm crying, as I don't believe in spilling your guts to someone that you like, it makes you say things you'll regret later. We sit in silence for a bit and then he says what I have always dreaded hearing. The knife that's already in my heart being twisted just a little bit more..."You have a lot to offer. You'll find someone someday."

To make it short, he tells me he loves me (about 5 times), which he's NEVER told me before. He says he wants to get to know this girl because he's not sure if he wants to persue a relationship at this point in his life or not. I think she's so wrong for him, but I really have no say in what he does, and I know it.

I'll be fine, I usually recover from rejection fast, but for the first time in my life I've been rejected for my personality. It's always my looks that make someone reject me. I guess there's a first time for everything...

[STT Resident]

Oh dear. I'm so sorry for your pain and, although I detest banal platitudes, it really is true that "this too shall pass." Are you going to cut back on the time you spend with your friend?

Anyway, girl, cheer yourself up by going back to all of TVSG's posts and having a good read and a laugh! After that, hop on a plane and come for a weekend or so in the Caribbean. I make a mean drink!

[WestCobb]

Your situation sounds somewhat unique, but not totally so. You guys have a lot of chemistry on certain levels but not much physical chemistry is what I'm getting. Even if you had no interest in him in *that* way, you obviously have a vested interest in this guy not dating other girls. If you two spend every waking moment together, as you have said on this thread and others, this guy is a life partner of sorts. Who wants to have a life partner spending time getting to know some random stranger for the purpose of maybe spending more time, even a lifetime, with said stranger?

If I were you, my emotions would be the following, in this order: .

If my wife started dating, I can't say I would be the supportive friend in that situation. It sounds like you two are mates, regardless of what's going on physically between you. It also sounds like you two have built a life together of sorts. You may have never been phsyically intimate, but if you have shared years and years of your life together, you two are an intimate couple. His dating is a betrayal of sorts.

You're right. This situation is complicated. I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with your "friend," MAth. I know you may fear losing him, but you also are making yourself too available in some ways (emotional, etc.) for him to still be shopping around for another. If he has spent five years of his life with you, he obviously enjoys and/or benefits from your company. Perhaps he needs to do some serious soul searching about where he wants to go with you.

You two have proven that Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses can be friends. I bet you can be more than that if you tried really hard. Jehovah and Heavenly Father would allow it, I think.

[MAtheBanker]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

Your situation sounds somewhat unique, but not totally so. You guys have a lot of chemistry on certain levels but not much physical chemistry is what I'm getting. Even if you had no interest in him in *that* way, you obviously have a vested interest in this guy not dating other girls. If you two spend every waking moment together, as you have said on this thread and others, this guy is a life partner of sorts. Who wants to have a life partner spending time getting to know some random stranger for the purpose of maybe spending more time, even a lifetime, with said stranger?

If I were you, my emotions would be the following, in this order: .

If my wife started dating, I can't say I would be the supportive friend in that situation. It sounds like you two are mates, regardless of what's going on physically between you. It also sounds like you two have built a life together of sorts. You may have never been phsyically intimate, but if you have shared years and years of your life together, you two are an intimate couple. His dating is a betrayal of sorts.

You're right. This situation is complicated. I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with your "friend," MAth. I know you may fear losing him, but you also are making yourself too available in some ways (emotional, etc.) for him to still be shopping around for another. If he has spent five years of his life with you, he obviously enjoys and/or benefits from your company. Perhaps he needs to do some serious soul searching about where he wants to go with you.

You two have proven that Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses can be friends. I bet you can be more than that if you tried really hard. Jehovah and Heavenly Father would allow it, I think.

You hit everything right on the head. Unfortunately, having a heart-to-heart with him, and even him doing some soul searching of his own isn't going to change what has already happened. He made it abundantly clear last night that I had misinterpreted our friendship as the potential for something more (I honestly don't think that's entirely true. The thought had to have crossed his mind at some point.). My focus now needs to be on being a good friend for him. He's the only person I trust, and for years I was the same for him. I guess what hurts the most is the fact that he's looking for that from someone else now. I feel inadequate, pushed to the side and left to make my way on my own. I asked him why he chose this particular girl, and every quality he listed was a quality that I have...he even pointed that out. I couldn't bring myself to ask, "Why not me, then?" Only recently has he opened up to me about his insecurities and a huge incident from his past, and this girl comes out of nowhere and within just a few weeks has creeped her way into his life, and the things he took years to confide in me with, I think he's going to take weeks to spill to her.

It doesn't feel fair, I know that's how life goes, but I don't think he entered my life for no reason. He's helped me get through many things, and he never abandoned me like a good majority of my friends did when I moved a year ago. I don't know what to do now.