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Old 09-27-2009, 06:35 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 2,880,196 times
Reputation: 1591

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MAtheBanker View Post
I don't really know if I can stop contact with him. It wouldn't be healthy for me (the whole situation isn't healthy, but cutting off contact completely would destroy me). We've talked on and off today. I told him if we continue to hang out, he's not allowed to mention the other girl...it really is like salt in the wounds right now. I can't handle the emotions of it. Heck, I can't handle the emotions of much of anything right now. I need to get out of the house, but I have nowhere to go. I can't get it out of my head.
Ok, now I am caught up with how this went and I am so sorry you are so hurt by this. I think most of us or at least a good portion of us have been through this same thing and it does hurt. I remember when I was younger, I liked this guy who was great looking, had a corvette that was absolutely beautiful and was a total gentleman on a date...I went out with him several times and was hoping it would develop further. I was coming out of a building and saw him parked out front and also saw a very good friend of mine, female, getting in the car with him, kissing him on the cheek and they drove off. I thought he was there to pick me up!! Hurt, hurt, hurt. I did confront both of them and she had liked him all along and had never told me. He just sat there and hung his head.

Time for you to move on. I know it is difficult but if he shows no interest in a serious relationship with you and that is what you want then you are wasting your time. There are a lot of guys out there who will want to be with you on that level so don't waste a second more on him. Life is full of these twists and turns and if you let them get you all twisted then you will find yourself being held back from what is really out there for you.

Good luck!!
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Old 09-27-2009, 10:32 AM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,753 posts, read 5,129,515 times
Reputation: 3725
Quote:
Originally Posted by WestCobb View Post
MAth, from everything you describe, this is not simply a case of unrequited feelings. You say you were flirty, and he was flirty right back. He has spent years with you, treating you as a friend and confidante. He told you he loved you when he saw your pain, which from what I gather, he doesn't see often because you are someone who is usually very calm and collected.

If this were simply a matter of unrequited feelings, it would be easier. It's more complicated than that. You have feelings you have not acknowledged (even to yourself I take it) until recently. He has feelings he has not acknowledged either. From what you have described of him, I don't take him to be a liar. He told you he loved you repeatedly in the face of your pain. He has also told you a lot of other things. Things that seemingly contradict the love he feels. I understand. I also understand that love is a multifaceted thing, and some love is not neccessarily romantic love, but please start being more emotionally honest about this relationship -- this isn't friendship, it's a love of sorts.

If you and he are going to continue to develop this relationship, and for what it's worth, I don't think that's necessarily an unhealthy thing, you should discuss this with him some more. From what I gather, you and he are both highly intelligent people, and emotions are messy and something you only deign to recognize when you must. They're irrational. They're messy. They are the source of much stupidity. They are not something you normally like to associate with yourself. But here are they are. No one believes in love goddesses like Eros and Aprhodite anymore, but what the Greeks were getting at with their myths is that they, Love, will have their/its due. Foolishly ignore it or discount it at your own peril. Love will get you, and it will destroy you if it chooses to do so. Only the very young or very foolish assume they are above it. For all of the uniqueness and specialness and wonderfulness of the bond you have forged with this man over the years, it is also quite common. You love him.

As you well know, probably better than I, life is not a Romantic Comedy. Talking to him about these things and acknowledging them doesn't mean he will have a Eureka moment and rush you to the altar and start a family with you. He may. You never know. As an outside observer, I wouldn't be totally surprised if this ends in marriage one day. This is what love looks like. It's not nearly as pretty as the movie version. But anyways, he very well could not. Instead, he could just simply be forced to face the nature of this relationship as it really is. With any luck, any honesty you choose to demonstrate will encourage him to be more honest too ... with himself. As intelligent as he is, he's fooling himself if he thinks that what he feels for a woman he has spent years of his life with, whom he flirts with, and whom he wants approval from for a new girlfriend is simply a "friend." There's love there. What is the nature of this love? Where will it lead? That's unknown and its for you and he to determine.

Don't think though that just because this relationship suddenly got more messy (more interesting) it's necessarily over. When things get fuzzy and gooey and emotional, many many people .. I think of them as emotional cowards .. run away. Some, often it's those of us who are happily married, dig in. I think simply for the sake of courage, you should continue to explore this with him. What's in there waiting? Neither one of us knows.
I can't go on with our friendship thinking that someday something will magically happen and we'll end up as a couple. I truly don't think that's the case. My feelings for him that went beyond friendship were a fantasy of sorts, not looking at the whole picture and the things that stood in our way. Looking forward in hopes things will maybe progress someday is also a fantasy. I only see it happen in the movies. While it could very well happen someday (when he realizes no one else compares to me), I can't dwell on it.

In the past day or so my feelings have turned from anger and shock to fear. I'm at the point now where I'm afraid of being abandoned by him. He is in reality the only person I trust, the only person who really gets me, the person I, above anyone else, want to spend time with. I enjoy his company immensely, I look forward to the time I get to see him again, I become thrilled at the prospect of us doing something fun together such as a road trip or an activity.

He sent me a message yesterday that he would call me or check on me (come over) later in the day. I never heard from him again. THAT is why I am scared. Is this what it will all become? In the past he would always keep his promises, am I just second tier to him now? I can only imagine what he was doing while he WASN'T following through with his promise. I don't like those thoughts to plague my head. He says I'm reading too much into him conversing with another girl. Am I? For all I know he spent the entire day with her...if that's the case, how am I reading too much into it? I don't like being pushed aside and let down. He's never been one to do that to me.

I guess it's all just a mix of fear and jealousy. I'd like to talk to him, but right now I feel like all I want to do is chew him out. If I do that, he'll surely go away for good. He's got a temper that I've only seen him display once, but it was a time when I chewed him out for something else. Do I go the route of talking to him to say he can't expect me to be cool with everything, when there is inner resentment just boiling over the side? He can't possibly want me to accept the fact that he's now found someone better, and I could possibly be thrown out of his life.

We're supposed to hang out later today. We made plans before this whole thing happened. As of yesterday he said we were still honoring those plans...I don't know if I should talk to him before or just let it all go.
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Old 09-27-2009, 12:04 PM
 
8,025 posts, read 5,100,308 times
Reputation: 6305
I don't think you should withhold honesty from him for fear of abandoment. Ultimately, if he would leave you for speaking the truth as you see it, you two don't have what you thought you had. If you are too angry to see this clearly right now (and hence want to chew him out), perhaps now is not the time to talk. However, I think you should continue to reflect on this, seek clarity for how you think of and feel toward this relationship and revisit this again with him at a later date. For now, MAth, I just don't know what to tell you. Life has no easy answers. I don't think you have necessarily lost anything though. Your relationship may just be going through growing pains. Honesty is key though. Truth is liberating. It's ugly sometimes, it's painful, it's hard. But it is liberating. I would try to be as truthful as possible with myself and with him if I were in your situation. I think it was brave of you to be honest with him this far and to discuss your jealousy. Whatever you do, please don't retreat. Continue to express your thoughts and feelings with him as honestly as you can.
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Old 09-27-2009, 12:21 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,753 posts, read 5,129,515 times
Reputation: 3725
Quote:
Originally Posted by WestCobb View Post
I don't think you should withhold honesty from him for fear of abandoment. Ultimately, if he would leave you for speaking the truth as you see it, you two don't have what you thought you had. If you are too angry to see this clearly right now (and hence want to chew him out), perhaps now is not the time to talk. However, I think you should continue to reflect on this, seek clarity for how you think of and feel toward this relationship and revisit this again with him at a later date. For now, MAth, I just don't know what to tell you. Life has no easy answers. I don't think you have necessarily lost anything though. Your relationship may just be going through growing pains. Honesty is key though. Truth is liberating. It's ugly sometimes, it's painful, it's hard. But it is liberating. I would try to be as truthful as possible with myself and with him if I were in your situation. I think it was brave of you to be honest with him this far and to discuss your jealousy. Whatever you do, please don't retreat. Continue to express your thoughts and feelings with him as honestly as you can.
He's coming over in about a half hour. I decided it was best to just talk to him (not chew him out), before what I feel turns to bitterness. I'll hop on later and give an update. Thanks to you WestCobb, and everyone else for the support. You have no idea what it means to me to have people to talk this through with. I'm glad to know there are people out there who know what I'm going through.
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Old 09-27-2009, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
5,164 posts, read 10,329,354 times
Reputation: 5826
This is one of those no-win situations, I'm afraid. If you're completely honest, be prepared to see a lot less of him, because he'll feel guilty and want to avoid you. If you keep your feelings to yourself, then you don't have as much of a friendship with him as you thought you did.

You really need to try to make some more friends and fill your life with other activities. I sense that you've been there for him to the point where it's easy for him to take you for granted. That needs to stop. Telling him you don't want to hear anything about the other girl is a definite step in the right direction; you need to take care of yourself emotionally, because he won't. He has been clear about what he's willing to give you (friendship only), so in his mind his responsibility is done. It's not his fault if you continue to hope and get the wrong signals.

Also, please pay attention to what he has told you, and stop clinging to false hope. He obviously doesn't want to take your relationship further, no matter what. Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how perfect you think you are for him. There's nothing you can do. Please don't beat your head against a wall; it'll still be a wall when you're done, and your head will hurt, and nothing else will have changed.

Make a different life for yourself, one that he has to squeeze himself into. If he chooses not to squeeze, not to make that effort, then you really know where you stand. If he ends up in a relationship with that girl, you're going to be facing a lot of separateness from him, anyway, so it's probably a good idea to prepare yourself now. I'm sorry; I know this is difficult.
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Old 09-27-2009, 06:52 PM
 
10,466 posts, read 7,575,179 times
Reputation: 15515
MA, you have got to accept the harsh reality that you will not always be #1 in his life. He will eventually move on, probably get married. Your time together will become less and less. It's sucks to have to say that because I know how it feels, but I think living in a fantasy world that has you two as best friends forever and ever will just hurt you more in the long run. When you get involved and get married your priorities will shift also.

Don't be surprised if he pulls away from you now. He will likely try his best not to lead you on and that means not being around as much, not treating you as special. Understand that he is in a difficult spot too. He's hurt someone that he is close to. He's going to need time.
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Old 09-28-2009, 12:24 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,753 posts, read 5,129,515 times
Reputation: 3725
Despite the fact that I would love to wallow in self-pity right now, that is going to do me no good. It's time to move on from this friend of mine. We had an argument yesterday, and he called me SELFISH for HURTING. He says if I want what's best for him (I truly do), then I would be supportive and not selfish to make him feel bad that I'm hurting. My response was, when somoene is infatuated and in a new phase in life with someone, they often don't see who they're hurting and exhiling around them. I have witnessed this numerous times with friends and roommates. They spend every second with a guy, and once it ends or they need a friend, they've pushed all their friends away so far and hurt them that no one is there to help anymore. One day I hope he realizes how much he's hurt me.

I know for a fact that it's selfishness on both our parts, and because of that, I know I can't go on pretending that everything is going to be hunky dory between us. I need to get out of my slump and make a new life for myself, one where I don't have to depend on a friend to make me happy. I'm even debating making a big move...a fresh start, new job, new house, new friends, etc.

I met with some old friends last night, including a grandpa and grandma that took me in a few years ago when I was going through an equally hard time in my life. I have no family anywhere near me, so spending time with people that love me unconditionally was just the heart healing I needed.
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:40 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,753 posts, read 5,129,515 times
Reputation: 3725
I don't know if anyone is still keeping tabs on this thread, but I figured I'd give another update just for the sake of burning time at work

After our argument on Sunday I vowed to never talk to him again. Of course that changed by the minute, but I found the longer I went without talking to him the better I felt about things. I took a leap and applied for a few jobs online (did I mention this guy is my former boss, we still work at the same company, but at different locations), and lo and behold I got a call back for one of them. The key is it's out of state...I spent nearly 15 minutes talking to the head of the department at the bank, and by the end I was pretty darn confident that I have a HUGE chance of getting this job, and my demanded 11% pay raise. My phone interview is on Friday. I just so happened this guy knows some of my coworkers, and his bank uses the exact same systems mine uses, so the transition would be a smooth one.

I also looked into renting out my condo with the help of a property management company, and I found out the normal rent amounts for my area are HIGHER than I had anticipated, meaning I can make additional money on top of my mortgage and HOA payments. It will be very comforting to know I'm in another state and my house is properly being cared for.

In short, I've decided it's time to move on and get away from the hurt and memories. I've never been one to run away from my troubles, but I believe this era of my life has come to a peaceful end and it's time to begin my new journey. I can also resume school (with a full ride) and be near immediate family, not to mention I'd be making more money and furthering my career.

I'm scared as hell, but I feel it's the right thing to do
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