U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-27-2009, 08:26 AM
 
5 posts, read 6,579 times
Reputation: 10

Advertisements

I didn't want to hijack Neena's thread about a partner needing space, but I need advice on how to create some space without alienating my spouse. After almost twenty years, I am driven nuts some days. How to make him understand that I cannot spend every waking, non-working minute with him? There is no one else, I just need quiet time to work on some projects, think, read, etc. Ideas?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-27-2009, 08:47 AM
 
Location: Space Coast
1,982 posts, read 2,613,099 times
Reputation: 2645
I would like to know this as well.
I've tried to encourage him to get a hobby and make some friends to hang out with, but no luck so far..........
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 09:42 AM
 
Location: The Jar
10,098 posts, read 5,570,324 times
Reputation: 19186
It's rough when one spouse is a social butterfly, and the other is a stick in the mud. Opposites attract, and that is why so many people find themselves in this unfortunate predicament. It can feel sooo suffocating at times, I'm sure! Sad thing is that someone usually has to change their core for this sort of relationship to work. The result can be a very unhapppy marriage for at least the one partner.

If you'll remember to concentrate on the good stuff as much as possible, and also remember to spend time with your pals as much as you can (w/out excessive guilt), you should be able to cope and stay married.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,098 posts, read 56,964,608 times
Reputation: 38301
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eresh View Post
I would like to know this as well.
I've tried to encourage him to get a hobby and make some friends to hang out with, but no luck so far..........
As long as you are being fair to your spouse and giving them equal time, you must not let this stop you from going forward with your own plans without them.

Do your best to explain that you understand they don't have as many interests as you do, but that you still need to pursue yours. Also try making some suggestions of things that the two of you can do together and really push your spouse to be involved with you in that joint interest. But other than that, LIVE YOUR LIFE
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Space Coast
1,982 posts, read 2,613,099 times
Reputation: 2645
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
As long as you are being fair to your spouse and giving them equal time, you must not let this stop you from going forward with your own plans without them.

Do your best to explain that you understand they don't have as many interests as you do, but that you still need to pursue yours. Also try making some suggestions of things that the two of you can do together and really push your spouse to be involved with you in that joint interest. But other than that, LIVE YOUR LIFE
The thing is that I want some time to myself alone at home. Not all the time, but an occasional couple of hours would be nice. I used to take an occasional day off from work so I could just chill out and read a book or watch a silly lifetime movie, but he is out of work at the moment and is always home.
I took the original post to mean something similar, but I could have misinterpreted.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 11:32 AM
 
714 posts, read 903,834 times
Reputation: 624
Everyone needs "me time". This is a touchy subject b/c most peeps will think you just don't want them around. If you have seen KNOCKED UP, the hubs lies to his wife about his fantasy baseball b/c he needs time for himself...and of course the wife flips out and takes it the wrong way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,510 posts, read 12,033,452 times
Reputation: 9108
I don't get it--you say there's no one else but....so what's 20 year itch got to do wtih it? Are you suggesting you are going through that or what?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 11:53 AM
 
7,681 posts, read 9,555,042 times
Reputation: 7070
Tell your spouse that you need alone time, it has nothing to do with her period. My DH is great understanding this from the day we got married. For all you know she wants alone time too and isn't expressing it.

After 20 years I would hope the two of you would be able to communicate to each other something as simple as this. Good luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,098 posts, read 56,964,608 times
Reputation: 38301
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eresh View Post
The thing is that I want some time to myself alone at home. Not all the time, but an occasional couple of hours would be nice. I used to take an occasional day off from work so I could just chill out and read a book or watch a silly lifetime movie, but he is out of work at the moment and is always home.
I took the original post to mean something similar, but I could have misinterpreted.
What you are going thru happens often when a man is out of work or recently retired I'm afraid. I think you need to just go right ahead and read that book - don't let him interrupt you at all - just ignore him until you are done

Needing time for yourself is normal and don't let him lay any guilt on you for it. Only people who don't like their own company can't stand to be alone - and that is a personal problem only they can work on
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2009, 12:55 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,063 posts, read 11,606,215 times
Reputation: 3541
This is a really common problem, and the answers aren't always easy. I was dating a super-nice man -- we were compatible in almost every way, except this one. We worked together at the same company and in the same department but had staggered starting times. So, whenever I would leave and go to pick up my son from daycare, I'd either come home to find him waiting for me or he'd arrive within a short period of time. EVERY DAY. And he would stay until it was time for me to turn in, no matter how many hints I'd drop or how many times I'd say outright, "I need some downtime."

It drove me nuts! So, I started going places after I picked up my son -- grocery shopping, out to eat, to the mall, anything. He'd wait for me a little while but give up and head home. (This was blessedly before the age of cell phones!) The relationship ended. He really wanted/needed to be with me every minute.

So, I'd suggest the same -- start going somewhere. It doesn't have to be anywhere big -- maybe the library, the park, a coffee house, anything. That may get him used to some time apart from you and you can discuss your need for "me time."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $84,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top