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Old 10-12-2009, 08:56 AM
 
10 posts, read 18,792 times
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If a spouse has lied and kept things from you over and over do you finally get to a point that you do not believe anything they say? Do you start to feel numb to them and not want to kiss them, hold them, have sex or anything because you feel like you don't really know who they are or what they could be hiding from you. I have these feelings- I am not trying to be a ***** or rude and it's hard to explain because it just is a feeling. It's not something I can help but he tries to kiss me or hug me and I just am not interested. How do you rebuild trust? I am scared these feelings won't go away..

Any advise?
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Old 10-12-2009, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,870 posts, read 19,771,901 times
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The onus is on them to build that trust, not you. I've been there, and I know exactly how you feel. She violated my trust on several occasions and it caused me to withdraw. I lost interest in intimacy with her. All the crap that she pulled just hung over our relationship like a black cloud. To her it was all in the past, but not for me. Had it been a one time thing I could get past it, but when it's time and again, I can't. Once my trust is violated it's nearly impossible to earn it back. You need to take a hard stand and offer an ultimatum. Either he/she gets their act together, otherwise the next lie, the next act of infidelity, and it's over. No compromise.
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Old 10-12-2009, 09:15 AM
 
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Coolhand-

Are you still with her? Did she rebuild your trust for her? How?
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Old 10-12-2009, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,870 posts, read 19,771,901 times
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PM sent.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:16 AM
 
12,585 posts, read 15,909,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marriah8 View Post
If a spouse has lied and kept things from you over and over do you finally get to a point that you do not believe anything they say? Do you start to feel numb to them and not want to kiss them, hold them, have sex or anything because you feel like you don't really know who they are or what they could be hiding from you. I have these feelings- I am not trying to be a ***** or rude and it's hard to explain because it just is a feeling. It's not something I can help but he tries to kiss me or hug me and I just am not interested. How do you rebuild trust? I am scared these feelings won't go away..

Any advise?

You sound like my wife.

First off, you probably reacted in a violent, crazy way when he let you in on some inner feelings, thoughts or experiences.

So, I would say he will keep things from you to keep the peace. You go crazy if told things. I think I am right on with this one.

There are things I don't tell my wife anymore. I did a couple of times and she went nuts. She even took some things beyond an ethical nature. She gets nothing now. Nothing. I tell her nothing and I share nothing. So if she wants to feel like you do and say you think I am hiding things and can't trust me well so be it. She should have been more of a friend instead of turning on me.

So with your situation you should get over it. Stop thinking up crap just to destroy your relationship.

My wife still does the, "Yeah, they are probably....I bet they also....." All that is doing is speculating. She also does it to the extent that she thinks it's true. Nothing is based on facts.


My advice to you is to be more of a friend. He will move on and get someone else to love if you continue to act like a 2 year old.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 24,599,507 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marriah8 View Post
How do you rebuild trust? I am scared these feelings won't go away..

Any advise?
Deep, sincere, forgiveness..
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:01 AM
 
473 posts, read 1,450,093 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
You sound like my wife.

First off, you probably reacted in a violent, crazy way when he let you in on some inner feelings, thoughts or experiences.

So, I would say he will keep things from you to keep the peace. You go crazy if told things. I think I am right on with this one.

There are things I don't tell my wife anymore. I did a couple of times and she went nuts. She even took some things beyond an ethical nature. She gets nothing now. Nothing. I tell her nothing and I share nothing. So if she wants to feel like you do and say you think I am hiding things and can't trust me well so be it. She should have been more of a friend instead of turning on me.

So with your situation you should get over it. Stop thinking up crap just to destroy your relationship.

My wife still does the, "Yeah, they are probably....I bet they also....." All that is doing is speculating. She also does it to the extent that she thinks it's true. Nothing is based on facts.


My advice to you is to be more of a friend. He will move on and get someone else to love if you continue to act like a 2 year old.
I disagree with your assessment. It sounds as though he DID something, not just told her feelings. He acted on something and then lied about it. If someone says to you "I wanted to have an affair with her", but they didn't, it's not going to change who they are. But if they acted on it, and then lied, you wake up and realize you didn't really know them. She's stated that he repeatedly lies to her. He needs to stop AT EVERY LEVEL - little white lies to whopping big ones - so she can build trust again, even if the truth hurts her.

She sounds like a reasonable person, not someone who jumps to conclusions or acts irrationally. She's right now questioning herself, and knows what's bothering her. She's asking for help on how to change how she's feeling. You've nicely put it all on her and not on him without knowing all of the circumstances. Not everyone is in your situation.
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Old 10-12-2009, 12:12 PM
 
10 posts, read 18,792 times
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Funyman-

No, unfortuntely this is not like your situation. There are many things I found out he was lying about and I asked him what was up. He has done this many times to me now and every time I tell him well if you came to me in the first place and told me what was up then I would be in the loop and it wouldn't look fishy. But because he hides things and I find out then come to him and he denys it or then after I tell him we are a FAMILY now and that stuff should be shared he "gets" it and feels bad but I have been through this now 6 different times and I don't know how much more I can take.
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Old 10-12-2009, 12:13 PM
 
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haha and thank you dragonfly!
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Old 10-12-2009, 01:21 PM
 
12,585 posts, read 15,909,162 times
Reputation: 15211
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marriah8 View Post
Funyman-

No, unfortuntely this is not like your situation. There are many things I found out he was lying about and I asked him what was up. He has done this many times to me now and every time I tell him well if you came to me in the first place and told me what was up then I would be in the loop and it wouldn't look fishy. But because he hides things and I find out then come to him and he denys it or then after I tell him we are a FAMILY now and that stuff should be shared he "gets" it and feels bad but I have been through this now 6 different times and I don't know how much more I can take.
Well, I still think you sound fishy. However, I will take your word for it. I just think the, "Haha" from the other post really sounded silly.

I will give you an example:

My brother-in-law and I went to the scene downtown to check out a couple local clubs that have music. On our way out of the club we are walking down the sidewalk to get to the car. A group of girls are walking behind us and a young gal is ranting in a silly way that no guys were hitting on her. So she says to us, "You think I'm hot? Would you hit on me?" My brother-in-law says, "Oh yeah." So she kinda puts her arm around him and says, "Thanks." The girls then mosey on down passed us. We later talk about it in the car. He says he is going to tell his wife. (My sister) about this ordeal. I said, "No way am I going to tell my wife. She is a drama queen and think there is much more to the story and will fill in alot of b.s. that never happened!"
Later, sometime in the future word gets around from my sister to my wife that some girl was hitting on us. I am now confronted with this as to why I kept it from her.

You see where I stand? That's all I was saying. If you man is a cronic liar and is never completely honest with you then I can understand your grief. However, my SO is crazy!

We had a fight and I left. I need some time to cool off. I went to see a movie by myself. She asks, "Who did you go with?" She never believed me when I told her by myself. (Granted I gave this woman no reason to not trust me. I always tell her the truth.)

Some time in the future...she brings up in a new fight that I probably wasn't even at the movies that night. I dug through my junk drawer and threw the movie ticket at her with the exact time, date and movie at her. She was speechless.

That's all. I hope your situation improves.
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