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Old 10-13-2009, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,851 posts, read 10,565,611 times
Reputation: 16349
You ARE holding a grudge. You're title states The Pain of a Lie...let's put this into perspective shall we? She was 16, and gave into temptation, curiosity or just plain old hormones with a 15 year old. At 16 who amongst us is emotionally and mentally mature enough to make rational choices 100% of the time? I'm 41 and I still get it wrong from time to time. Perhaps if you should have dated a woman closer to your age at the time rather than a mere child of 16...or was a 23 year old woman too much of a challenge for you? I'm sorry, but at 23 you are in a position to manipulate a 16 year old and whether that was your intention or not, it doesn't matter. As it turns out, it worked out in the end. You've been happily married for X amount of years now, so why does it matter what she did when she was 16? Are you telling me you never told a lie in your teen or adult years? If so, then that's a lie.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Rockland County New York
2,984 posts, read 3,529,737 times
Reputation: 1242
Quote:
Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
So Stac you never got with a girl just for sex or whatever?
I never gave up someone who loved me so much. I had few partners and sex without love made me feel empty. I will say one thing. She has loved me no different now than when she was 16. Before my wife I dated older women. What I found out was my wife had more love in her heart than any of the older women I dated. I was so surprised at that.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:48 AM
 
259 posts, read 432,379 times
Reputation: 170
i say let it go too.

she didn't do anything to hurt you and honestly, it's her life! if she's not committed she can sleep with whomever she wants to (whether it's good or bad or whatever).

and seriously, i can't believe you'd honestly be upset over something someone did 20 years ago at the age of 16. i think something's going on with YOU.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Rockland County New York
2,984 posts, read 3,529,737 times
Reputation: 1242
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
You ARE holding a grudge. You're title states The Pain of a Lie...let's put this into perspective shall we? She was 16, and gave into temptation, curiosity or just plain old hormones with a 15 year old. At 16 who amongst us is emotionally and mentally mature enough to make rational choices 100% of the time? I'm 41 and I still get it wrong from time to time. Perhaps if you should have dated a woman closer to your age at the time rather than a mere child of 16...or was a 23 year old woman too much of a challenge for you? I'm sorry, but at 23 you are in a position to manipulate a 16 year old and whether that was your intention or not, it doesn't matter. As it turns out, it worked out in the end. You've been happily married for X amount of years now, so why does it matter what she did when she was 16? Are you telling me you never told a lie in your teen or adult years? If so, then that's a lie.
It was my wife who said she was living a lie because for years she did not tell me until yesterday. I did not approach her. Her mother told her there was a handsome guy at church. She decided to attend church to see if her mom was right. After seeing there a number of times she approached me. At first I did not know how old she was. My wife has always been a sweet person and she had been watching me for a while. Her parents knew me well and let me take her to the movies and to dinner. When it began to get serious I told her I could not sleep with her. After all I thought we were just friends. Besides she was 16. Her parents did not mind her dating me because they trusted me. Was I so bad for her? I thought of her so I would have never done anything to hurt her. I just did not know how much I loved her until we were apart.
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Old 10-13-2009, 09:00 AM
 
Location: Rockland County New York
2,984 posts, read 3,529,737 times
Reputation: 1242
Quote:
Originally Posted by iriekate View Post
i say let it go too.

she didn't do anything to hurt you and honestly, it's her life! if she's not committed she can sleep with whomever she wants to (whether it's good or bad or whatever).

and seriously, i can't believe you'd honestly be upset over something someone did 20 years ago at the age of 16. i think something's going on with YOU.
I'm not upset, she is because she told me it was me that should have slept with her. She is also sad because she knows I would never treat her like trash and she let the other guy do so. She told me she made a terrible mistake and wish she could take it back. Not being a virgin when we got reconnected was not an issue at all. I just did not want to hear that the woman I love so much was treated like trash by another.
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Old 10-13-2009, 09:30 AM
 
259 posts, read 432,379 times
Reputation: 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stac2007 View Post
I'm not upset, she is because she told me it was me that should have slept with her. She is also sad because she knows I would never treat her like trash and she let the other guy do so. She told me she made a terrible mistake and wish she could take it back. Not being a virgin when we got reconnected was not an issue at all. I just did not want to hear that the woman I love so much was treated like trash by another.

Honestly speaking, i think most of us have been treated like trash by a guy at some point in our lives (especially in those teenage years). Tell her that she's not alone with that and to get over it. We all make mistakes and without them we would not be able to grow and learn like we should. It sounds like she's had a pretty good life full of love. Not many people are as 'lucky' as she is. She should focus on that instead of something that happened 20 years ago <3
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Old 10-13-2009, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Lehigh Acres
1,777 posts, read 2,547,693 times
Reputation: 850
Maybe you should tell her this:

"You are not 16 anymore, everyone makes stupid decisions throughout their life. In your benefit, you made the right one when you chose me, and we are living our lives together. Don't let this push us apart, it is no big deal to me, and that is the truth"

verbatim, try it, it will work
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Old 10-13-2009, 09:39 AM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,926 posts, read 4,353,094 times
Reputation: 12127
Why is your wife dealing with these emotions after so many years? Sometimes a teenage girl who is heartbroken can "act out" by having sex with another. They feel rejected and crave the attention and need to be desired by another. While we cant take back our past, it's not like she was sleeping around with everyone in town.

If you love each other, then that is all that should matter. Life is too short to worry about things which cannot be changed.
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Old 10-13-2009, 09:52 AM
 
7,229 posts, read 5,688,553 times
Reputation: 6324
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stac2007 View Post
I found out something terrible hurtfully about my wife's past between the two times we were dating. The news has made me feel pretty hurt and I am a little lost about why she did it. My wife and I dated for three months during the end of 1989. We were getting very serious and sex was just around the corner. At the time she was 16 and I 23. The age difference meant having sex with her would be illegal. I loved her so but I had to break it off because it would have been statutory rape of a minor. She loved me deep as well but our loved seemed not right. She was a teen and I an adult.

A few months after we broke up she slept with a guy she did not know. He was younger, about 15 who had no feelings for my wife. She dated him three times before he took her virginity and hardly even knew him. She just let him do his thing and he broke her pretty hard like some one with a jack hammer. She did not enjoy the sex because he came with on thrust. After that he did not see her for another three for four weeks and for easy sex.

A few days after she lost her virginity I met her in church. I so wanted to get back with her and was happy when I saw her face. She did not give me real eye contact like she was avoiding me. She did not tell about having sex with a guy who was a stranger. She knows tells me that she felt dirty every time I looked at her because she has her hidden secret. She rushed out of the church not wanting me to feel my eyes on her. When we were dating I told her the first time she be memorable and the words I told her made her feel like a s**t. She continued to meet this guy for sex and he cared little for her.

Her best friend kept telling her to call me and dump the guy. She tried but couldnít because she though I would look upon her as trashy. Her parents never liked the guy and but loved me. They would be just as hurt to know she gave her self to this guy who was an ugly person in side. When my grandmother died in 1991 she wanted to call me so say how sorry she was. My grandmother and I were close and she loved my wife. She kept feeling that I would look upon her like dirty and kept her distance. She kept seeing the other guy for their once a month meetings which always lasted about an hour. She told me the sex was terrible. He satisfied himself but could care less about making her feel good. He lasted at best five minutes but her lack of self-esteem was pretty low and she did not think she could get me back. In her eyes I was Mr. Clean and a white knight. At one point she really believed becasue what she had done had sealed her fate with me.

On Easter of 1991 we met in church and she said to me se felt terrible about my grandmothers passing. She gave me a huge hug and I gave her one right back. I asked her if she was going to her prom but her so called boyfriend did not want to take her. I then told her I would, not wanting her to miss an important day in her life. Yesterday she told me going out with me again made her feel clean but waited a while to tell me she was not a virgin. I loved her so it did not bother me. She broke it off with the other guy the very day we reconnected. She wanted to forget the 13 odd times she has sex with the other guy. When we went to order my tuxedo I told her I was going to marry her and have been married ever since.

I guess what hurts is that back in 1989 I looked and treated her like some one so precious. She is the only women I ever loved. Why did she allow her self to be used like a rag for so long and by a guy who was a piece of garbage? I know she was very immature and was not thinking straight. She gave herself to a teen boy she did not know and let herself be used. I found out a lot yesterday and it was hard to swallow. We have both been upset since we talked about it yesterday. She thinks see her as a tramp which I don't but I am trying to retain the special feeling she has for me but the thought of strange guy between her lets when she was 16 hurts me greatly. I wish I made love to her at the time and said the hell with the law. Her parents loved me like a son back then. They would have accepted me as her fist and only. They would probably see their daughter as a failure in their eyes, especially since all along they thought I was her only true love. My wife told me I was the only man she ever loved and the other guy who never saw her except for sex made her feel uncared for. After all these years of not knowing I canít help but feel hurt. I meant so much to her she would have rather not told me and kept me than let me know. I do love her and the over the last two days told her I was proud to marry her.
I have not read any other posts on here.

I will however, let you hear what I think.

I think you are sick. Seriously.

You have all these thoughts on why she would throw her virginity away and all that but you don't get it.

"SHE WAS A CHILD, a kid a baby!!"

People that age don't know what they are doing. That's why they put those laws in place. No matter how mature they sound they still are babies. Sheesh!

You were 23?!?!? WTH Dude!?!?

Her parents were stupid!!!!! Yes, stupid!!!!! If I had a 16 year old daughter and a 23 year old man tried to come over to date my daughter I would have taken you outside and beat your head with some serious advice. (If you know what I mean?)

I don't know why you were chasing a 16 year old at the bus stop when you can be at the bar drinking and picking up someone your own age. You see what I am saying.

You need to get some professional help. Seriously.
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Old 10-13-2009, 10:03 AM
 
Location: Lehigh Acres
1,777 posts, read 2,547,693 times
Reputation: 850
< is lost on the issue of age

if he was 40 and her 33, would it be an issue?
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