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Old 11-04-2009, 06:58 AM
 
Location: Springfield MO
438 posts, read 862,908 times
Reputation: 434

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Agreed. You are being played, manipulated, antagonized and agonized.
She told you lies. She is playing with you coz she knows your weaknesses and how you feel about her.
Contact her. Lay down your own rules. A relationship can only be functional if the two parties concerned have tolerance, respect, love, trust,understanding and communication.
If she is not mature enough to make the standards then move on and let her flirt to her hearts desire.
...and, if she is not prepared to put in any effort at all, eliminate her from all contact (My Space/change your cell number etc) and you will find it will be easier to start again with someone who will appreciate you for who you are.
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Old 11-04-2009, 09:55 AM
 
38 posts, read 40,496 times
Reputation: 14
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Well, I am not communicating with her right now. It will be too easy for her again if I take her back. When I broke up with her she didn't care and didn't even heard from her for 2 weeks. If I ever take her back she is going to have to wait and convince me good. I don't have Myspace, but I hit the ignore button when finally she friended me a few times on Facebook.
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Old 11-04-2009, 11:25 AM
 
1,322 posts, read 1,402,067 times
Reputation: 1440
Quote:
Originally Posted by Networks View Post
Well the reason I was thinking the above because It was my fault too. When I was with her I always kept her at arm length I didn't give myself a 100%. but that doesn't give her the right to treat me the way she treated me. Sometimes I think that the reason she treated me this way becaue I kept her at armlength...but she never let me because everytime I wanted to give myself a 100% she did something and I backed off again. I am just wondering if I didn't keep her at arm length would she be like the way she was...
Really, that's how you have to look at things.

Did you keep her at arms length because she pushed you away? Or, did she push you away because you kept her at arms length?

And now, has this become so ingrained that it's going to be impossible to break from that pattern?

In my experience, once two people become entrenched in a certain way of living, it always goes back to that way - regardless of how it got started.

The ultimate decision is yours.. If you really think that things can be different, then maybe give it another try... BUT, if there's ANY doubt what-so-ever, I'd just let things lie..

It's a lot to think about... but it's your life, and you need to do what makes you happy. If you do give it another try, just be careful, there's no sense in getting hurt a second time if you can avoid it.

I wish ya the best!
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Old 11-04-2009, 11:42 AM
 
38 posts, read 40,496 times
Reputation: 14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy View Post
Really, that's how you have to look at things.

Did you keep her at arms length because she pushed you away? Or, did she push you away because you kept her at arms length?

And now, has this become so ingrained that it's going to be impossible to break from that pattern?

In my experience, once two people become entrenched in a certain way of living, it always goes back to that way - regardless of how it got started.

The ultimate decision is yours.. If you really think that things can be different, then maybe give it another try... BUT, if there's ANY doubt what-so-ever, I'd just let things lie..

It's a lot to think about... but it's your life, and you need to do what makes you happy. If you do give it another try, just be careful, there's no sense in getting hurt a second time if you can avoid it.

I wish ya the best!
Thanks. I kept her at arm length because she pushed me away by doing stuff that made me feel she wasn't that interested in me. I don't know if she pushed away because of me keeping her at arm length, but I told her during our relationship that what bothered me. Now, at the beginning of our relationship I told her that I didn't want anything serious. She on the other hand kept telling me that she wants to be in a serious relationship with me but didn't act on it and that's why I kept her at arm length. She says one thing but her actions were different. The only thing she always did was to initiate making up. My question is this, do you think she would have treated me differently based on what I have written here so far if I didn't keep her at arm length?
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Old 11-04-2009, 12:08 PM
 
1,322 posts, read 1,402,067 times
Reputation: 1440
Quote:
Originally Posted by Networks View Post
Thanks. I kept her at arm length because she pushed me away by doing stuff that made me feel she wasn't that interested in me. I don't know if she pushed away because of me keeping her at arm length, but I told her during our relationship that what bothered me. Now, at the beginning of our relationship I told her that I didn't want anything serious. She on the other hand kept telling me that she wants to be in a serious relationship with me but didn't act on it and that's why I kept her at arm length. She says one thing but her actions were different. The only thing she always did was to initiate making up. My question is this, do you think she would have treated me differently based on what I have written here so far if I didn't keep her at arm length?
Here's a hypothetical:

If, when you first met, you stated clearly that you didn't want a serious relationship, and during the relationship, you consistently pushed her further away from you, and as a result, caused her to become distant out of fear (respect?) for your wishes, then maybe all of this was brought about by you and she was the one left feeling confused and unwanted. Because she felt like this, maybe she had to go outside the relationship (not physically cheating, but flirting).

That would be enough for me to do the same thing that she did, if I was a chick.

On the other hand, if she wanted you as much as she said that she did, then she wouldn't have done those things to begin with. If she really wanted to be with you, then she would have done all that she could have to be with you, regardless of what happened.

My thoughts, if you feel this strongly about trying things again, then go for it. But, I still go with my gut instinct in saying that things will only return back to the way they were, no matter what happens.

I always say this: Let the past lie in the past. But again, it's your decision.. Just think things through before you decide anything. If you do go back with her, keep an eye out.. Don't let yourself get hurt by this.
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Old 11-04-2009, 12:32 PM
 
38 posts, read 40,496 times
Reputation: 14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy View Post
Here's a hypothetical:

If, when you first met, you stated clearly that you didn't want a serious relationship, and during the relationship, you consistently pushed her further away from you, and as a result, caused her to become distant out of fear (respect?) for your wishes, then maybe all of this was brought about by you and she was the one left feeling confused and unwanted. Because she felt like this, maybe she had to go outside the relationship (not physically cheating, but flirting).

That would be enough for me to do the same thing that she did, if I was a chick.

On the other hand, if she wanted you as much as she said that she did, then she wouldn't have done those things to begin with. If she really wanted to be with you, then she would have done all that she could have to be with you, regardless of what happened.

My thoughts, if you feel this strongly about trying things again, then go for it. But, I still go with my gut instinct in saying that things will only return back to the way they were, no matter what happens.

I always say this: Let the past lie in the past. But again, it's your decision.. Just think things through before you decide anything. If you do go back with her, keep an eye out.. Don't let yourself get hurt by this.
Exactly. If she wanted me that much she wouldn't have done those things. I told her and explained her when we broke up if she didn't acted the way she acted towards me I wouldn't have kept her at arm length. I told her that her flirty ways and lies made me insecure. Besides the flirting, she didn't have to lie just because I kept her at arm length. She always knew how I felt about her, that I loved her but couldn't let her in yet, unless things change....she never said anything about that I pushed her away she just said that she didn't realize what she did until now and now she keeps texting me to talk about this. And yes I told her at the first, second date that I don't want to be serious and she is already flirting at second date in front of me while pursuing me hard to be serious with me. You might be right about things will go back to the same once she gets comfortable. She did that before, so I have a lot to think about. I am not in a rush in the meantime, I just want to clear my head and hear more inputs.
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Old 11-06-2009, 12:41 PM
 
38 posts, read 40,496 times
Reputation: 14
Default re

Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy View Post
Here's a hypothetical:

If, when you first met, you stated clearly that you didn't want a serious relationship, and during the relationship, you consistently pushed her further away from you, and as a result, caused her to become distant out of fear (respect?) for your wishes, then maybe all of this was brought about by you and she was the one left feeling confused and unwanted. Because she felt like this, maybe she had to go outside the relationship (not physically cheating, but flirting).

That would be enough for me to do the same thing that she did, if I was a chick.

On the other hand, if she wanted you as much as she said that she did, then she wouldn't have done those things to begin with. If she really wanted to be with you, then she would have done all that she could have to be with you, regardless of what happened.

My thoughts, if you feel this strongly about trying things again, then go for it. But, I still go with my gut instinct in saying that things will only return back to the way they were, no matter what happens.

I always say this: Let the past lie in the past. But again, it's your decision.. Just think things through before you decide anything. If you do go back with her, keep an eye out.. Don't let yourself get hurt by this.
If I decide to try it again, what would be the time limit I should give myself? Should I just leave her once she does something that I didn't like or I should give her time (a month maybe?) to adjust? I am thinking it would be to quick to leave right after she does something. On the other hand those things have been told her already a few times. What do you think? A month 2 weeks?
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Old 11-06-2009, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,154 posts, read 9,529,758 times
Reputation: 3505
My thinking is that if you decide to get back together, you put some outrageous demands on her. Something along th lines of getting all her email, facebook, etc., passwords, so you can check on her. Gage her reaction to the demands.
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Old 11-06-2009, 01:19 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
6,754 posts, read 7,491,377 times
Reputation: 10885
I'm seeing so much nonsense in the replies - she's abused you, she's playing you, she'll "do it again", blah blah blah

The point is, you don't want HER, you want her the WAY you want her. In otherwords, you want her to change who she is - and then you want her that way.

The only correct thing I've seen is that OP says it's partly his fault. YUP, it is. He wants her IF she doesn't behave like herself. She wants him and is willing to become SOMEONE else! Yegads. Then, he wants her on HIS conditions. So now we see that he will FOPRGIVE her - for what? For flirting? Sheesh, it's not like there was an agreement to not flirt.

Come on, people. If you don't have an agreement to the contrary, then there is no wrong done! There is NOTHING to forgive. Suddenly, people are supposed to become blind and deaf. OMG, I'm in a relationship, I can't talk to ANYone! If I talk to a girl, it's because I'm bi or lesbian and THAT is flirting/cheating. If I talk to a guy, obviously I'm about to have sex witih him - even though we've never met and had no plans to do so. Yah, sure and make sure there's no trust. Are you all 5 years old?

Why not just get a blow-up doll?
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Old 11-06-2009, 01:44 PM
 
38 posts, read 40,496 times
Reputation: 14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
I'm seeing so much nonsense in the replies - she's abused you, she's playing you, she'll "do it again", blah blah blah

The point is, you don't want HER, you want her the WAY you want her. In otherwords, you want her to change who she is - and then you want her that way.

The only correct thing I've seen is that OP says it's partly his fault. YUP, it is. He wants her IF she doesn't behave like herself. She wants him and is willing to become SOMEONE else! Yegads. Then, he wants her on HIS conditions. So now we see that he will FOPRGIVE her - for what? For flirting? Sheesh, it's not like there was an agreement to not flirt.

Come on, people. If you don't have an agreement to the contrary, then there is no wrong done! There is NOTHING to forgive. Suddenly, people are supposed to become blind and deaf. OMG, I'm in a relationship, I can't talk to ANYone! If I talk to a girl, it's because I'm bi or lesbian and THAT is flirting/cheating. If I talk to a guy, obviously I'm about to have sex witih him - even though we've never met and had no plans to do so. Yah, sure and make sure there's no trust. Are you all 5 years old?

Why not just get a blow-up doll?
It is not only about the flirting, it is about being honest. She told me that I was the only one and she doesn't want anybody but..at the same time she is flirting therefore I kept her at arm length. The point is her words didn't match her actions.
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