What is it like to have no social support? (wife, girlfriend, married)

[kibblesandbits]

I'm wondering what others' experiences with this is like. What is it like for you to have no social support? How did you end up in this situation? Are you doing anything to work on it? When do you feel the lack of social support the most?

My husband and I don't have any social support in our current city. It's really upsetting at times but I'm sort of resigned to it. I'd like to hear others' thoughts.

[Mr.Cat]

I am a certified anti-social and it is taking a toll on me. My wife is very outgoing, people friendly and I am totally the opposite. Moving back to Cali and not being able to get in touch with my old friends is very frustrating. Meantime my wife's got to many friends and does activities with them and leaves me out. It sucks.
Where do you live?

[le roi]

Originally Posted by kibblesandbits

I'm wondering what others' experiences with this is like. What is it like for you to have no social support?

Social support is overrated. It is a bit of a relief being anonymous, having no reputation to manage.

How did you end up in this situation?

Moved to a new, strange place, where I didn't know anyone.

Are you doing anything to work on it? When do you feel the lack of social support the most?

Not really. People come and go, and it is the quality that really matters. I didnt find it satisfying to have a huge group of acquaintances, a mile wide and an inch deep. Some people do.

My husband and I don't have any social support in our current city. It's really upsetting at times but I'm sort of resigned to it. I'd like to hear others' thoughts.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's not good to be at the extremes.

[Katlakat]

My husband is anti-social, a total hermit. Doesn't want to be included in my social butterfly activities.

I've become a hermit with him, and I get lonely for company.

Once a month he agrees to a game/card night with my only girlfriend I've met up here, and he has a great time.

Other than that, we play online games together, and live in a world of just us two.

It's scary out there, and some of the people I've met make me scared....so I don't mind being a homebody. Take on more hobbies and crafts....and become an outdoor thinker, that's what I do.

And I troll here hourly! LOL wish i was kiddin bout that part.....

[SifuPhil]

Originally Posted by kibblesandbits

I'm wondering what others' experiences with this is like. What is it like for you to have no social support?

It's wonderful.

How did you end up in this situation?

I've basically been a loner for as long as I can remember, and after my Taoist training I became even more withdrawn.

Are you doing anything to work on it?

Yes, I'm working hard to ensure that I STAY a loner.

When do you feel the lack of social support the most?

It's hard to tango with yourself. Outside of that, never.

My husband and I don't have any social support in our current city. It's really upsetting at times but I'm sort of resigned to it. I'd like to hear others' thoughts.

I'd be interested in knowing how you define "social support" - is it just a network of friends, or is it something on a slightly larger scale - social clubs, church groups...?

[kibblesandbits]

I would define social support as having one or a few friends, as well as feeling part of a community--whether it's being a member of a religious organization, a member of a social group, etc. But it's more than just being a member, because we're members of several groups--it's feeling that sense of community, feeling a sense of having a social network--people who you socialize with on a regular basis and people who seek you out because they enjoy your company. Feeling tied-in instead of isolated all the time. Feeling like your city is home, because you feel a sense of community/feel a part of something, and that you're not just a visitor.

After having had basically zero social support for the past three and a half years, I have come up with a few observations. I guess I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, we've tried so hard to make friends, and nothing happened, that I just got tired of putting in so much effort and never having anyone reciprocate. We joined a number of social groups, mainly religious-affiliated ones, because we thought that would be a good way to meet people, especially married couples. I also got tired of so much rejection all the time. It took a toll on my self-esteem.

However, it feels very isolating to have no social support. We have a few casual acquaintances at work, but no one we would invite out for lunch or anything like that. No one who puts us on their holiday card list. No one who calls us just to say hi.

We have neighbors but for whatever reason they go back into the house when they see us outside. I think this is because we've lived here a number of years and didn't become friendly right away, so now it's just awkward and they don't want to make small talk with us. We've never really had an actual conversation with any of them, but we're renters, so we feel transitory anyway.

I love spending time doing things with my hubby, but he's not always available, and so I end up going lots of places alone, which depresses me. Both of us are outgoing, friendly people who are great conversationalists, but no one seems to want to be our friends. I think we're both tired of all the rejection. We haven't initiated a friendship or gone to a social group in months.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about having no social support. I know that we would be considered extremely isolated, and it's not by choice.

Our families live many hours' plane ride away.

The reason our lack of social support has gotten this way is because we moved here not knowing anyone. No friends or family here. We tried to make friends from scratch, but it's been difficult. Joining social groups, meetup, religious organizations, etc. hasn't helped at all. I think things would have been better if we'd had even one friend here who could introduce us to their friends, and provide a little bit easier of an introduction than trying to make friends from scratch in your 30's. Plus, there aren't that many people in our situation--been married a long time, but with no kids (yet). Most people our age (early 30's) are either single, or married with kids. We find that makes it harder to connect with people, because single people aren't interested in hanging with us, and people with kids don't have time. However, with the few married couples without kids that we've met, who seem like they'd be ideal friends, it's like you have to meet all of their "qualifications" of a friend or else they don't want to waste their time with you.

We came back from a vacation 2 months ago and after we were home I said to my husband, "nobody [except our families] knows we left; no one cares that we're home." It really summed up the social isolation that we feel, and it made me really sad to think about that.

[picklejuice]

It's rotten! However, I'm thankful to have many, many friends. Some I have kept since I was a child. Recently, through a social network site, I've been able to re-establish a bunch of friendships from my past. And also, gain some new ones.

I still wish for family, but can't replace the ones who have past away. There are several family members who have recently wanted to re-establish a relationship after many years of seperation (their choice). I have allowed some of it, but have kept my distance. I am older now, and much more guarded with the old ticker

[GypsySoul22]

It seems to me more people are just socially inept and want to hide in their houses. I am a very social person but few people seem to reciprocate. I am not trying to be nosy or intrusive but I like to stop and chat with people in my complex and try to be friendly, talk.

I have one friend here and she is a very nice lady (from abroad) but even she is sort of 'a homebody' and weeks can go by until I see her again.

Everyone is into their immediate families or 'own groups' I guess. When my parents were our age, they had lots of neighbors who were also their friends. They do not understand how few people 'want to' be friendly beyond acquaintances.

It's a weird phenomenon. People will be superficially OVERLY friendly but cannot make the next step to friendship.

I miss my old job where people were 'my friends' and we went out to lunch and just talked and I felt like I had some human connection.

I've resigned myself I am never having a real social life. Maybe when I am old I will move to a city where people are more outgoing.

[SifuPhil]

Originally Posted by kibblesandbits

I would define social support as having one or a few friends, as well as feeling part of a community--whether it's being a member of a religious organization, a member of a social group, etc. But it's more than just being a member, because we're members of several groups--it's feeling that sense of community, feeling a sense of having a social network--people who you socialize with on a regular basis and people who seek you out because they enjoy your company. Feeling tied-in instead of isolated all the time. Feeling like your city is home, because you feel a sense of community/feel a part of something, and that you're not just a visitor.

Ah, OK.

I haven't felt that kind of support since I moved out here to PA over 20 years ago. It just isn't my idea of an ideal living area. The people here come in two varieties - fairly friendly but guarded nonetheless, and totally unresponsive. Couple that with the facts that my entire family, except for my two sons, is gone and that I have a habit of moving frequently and I guess you could see a pattern emerging.

After having had basically zero social support for the past three and a half years, I have come up with a few observations. I guess I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, we've tried so hard to make friends, and nothing happened, that I just got tired of putting in so much effort and never having anyone reciprocate. We joined a number of social groups, mainly religious-affiliated ones, because we thought that would be a good way to meet people, especially married couples. I also got tired of so much rejection all the time. It took a toll on my self-esteem.

Sometimes you're never so alone as when you're in the midst of people.

I love spending time doing things with my hubby, but he's not always available, and so I end up going lots of places alone, which depresses me. Both of us are outgoing, friendly people who are great conversationalists, but no one seems to want to be our friends. I think we're both tired of all the rejection. We haven't initiated a friendship or gone to a social group in months.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about having no social support. I know that we would be considered extremely isolated, and it's not by choice.

My empathy.

Well, it seems you have only a few choices. Try a few different groups - in other words, do what you're done up to this point, but with a different group of people. Not sure how feasible that is for you.

You could try to base your socialization on the Net. I know it isn't the same as real-world contact, but for me at least it serves to keep me human until something different happens in my life.

Or, you could just change the way you view isolation. I realize this might entail a lot of hardships and loneliness at first, but it seems you've already BEEN through that, so you might be able to skip a few grades.

[andreaspercheron]

It's very easy for me to be anti-social but, in my wisdom, I've come to appreciate friends just from a socializing standpoint. I'll find something to do a couple of times a week whether meeting a gal pal at Starbucks for girl talk or hanging out with my friends doing other things. I do take one or two days a week though just for "me time".