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Old 10-14-2009, 11:02 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 10,125,806 times
Reputation: 7891

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Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynedd1 View Post
Hi max's mama,

The big problem is trust. This was especially a problem during the time when men would divorce their wives and leave them with nothing. I do try to tell men that many women were left in a lurch and its asking a lot to ask them to drop it. A woman who does needs to marry carefully.

So it probably is more about you. I don't mind if my wife enjoys life as much as she can chasing around the little ones. On a day off I enjoyed seeing what it was like with her friend. I remember those days as a toddler with my mother.I would even like to trade places but unfortunately my earning power is higher. I would make a great home maker though. I cook from scratch, grow a garden, can, dry, forage, and I am frugal, you name it. My crab apple jelly is highly praised.

I also never understand why women equate career with intelligence. It is simply wise to keep your income. It actually makes you stupid. Careers are specializations allowing one to reap the benefits of the division of labor. It was interesting to read it twice. Once from Adam Smith and another time in Guns. Germs and Steel. The author of the latter found the people of New Guinea far more intelligent and alert. That is why I tend to see us as rather dull in industrialized societies. The lean animal instincts wane. I see zombied people with their ipods and cell phones going back and forth to work. It is no breeding ground for intelligence. I see it very differently even as I work in the temple towers of Unix.


I read about the Gothic destruction of The Temple of Artemis on the train ride home yesterday. When I got off the train, I immediately went to my V. Prunafolia forage which will make a nice prune banana flavored puree. I didn't learn that at work. I leaned it from Samuel Thayer. They pay me for what I already know.
It is with no small sense of irony that Rome had become far to soft and civilized to face the Goths.
This is a very interesting observation. I worked in a fashion industry and day after day after day I cared about designing for women, who were not even the type of women that I cared to design for, more for the paycheck. I cared about meeting the mark-ups, I cared about the buttons, the lace, the fabric...and when I would get on a subway (1 hour commute to Brooklyn), I would read. And I felt like my world broadens just from that one hour.
I agree that career doesn't equate to intelligence. I think with me it has more to do with independence. I like to just go to the store and buy whatever I want knowing that I'm spending the money that I made myself. I never thought about it as an issue of trust, although every time I would think of my unemployed friends thoughts such as "what if he leaves her, she has nothing", would cross my mind.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:05 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
11,425 posts, read 11,379,212 times
Reputation: 11670
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
Thanks for understanding, "not being at ease" is exactly the right away to describe how I feel.
You know, I have girlfriends who haven't worked for years, since they got married. This is the lifestyle they chose for themselves and I respect that, but I always wondered how they don't have fear of putting their lives into someone else's hands.

I wonder the same. It would scare the crap out of me. I have worked since I was a teenager, thru 2 marriages and will probably work till I die. I dont particuarlly like working and could enjoy staying home if I were wealthy.
My mother did not work for 25 yrs. She never had any money to buy anything for herself or go anywhere. Had to scrimp on groceries to buy her ciggs., ask dad for money for the church offering, clothes, etc. I new that would never be me.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:05 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 10,125,806 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I used to think I would always want to work, but now I would love to stay home and keep house, maybe with a little part-time work on the side. Some people change. I used to be very career driven; I worked long hours, sometimes all night, and weekends too. That life doesn't interest me anymore.
That actually what my husband would love from me. Just some part-time work on the side.
To be honest, in a way, I do enjoy spending more time with my family. I think it's very hard for me to find that balance, where I can feel comfortable enjoying my family but also enjoy my job. At least in my field anyway.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:06 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 10,125,806 times
Reputation: 7891
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
I wonder the same. It would scare the crap out of me. I have worked since I was a teenager, thru 2 marriages and will probably work till I die. I dont particuarlly like working and could enjoy staying home if I were wealthy.
My mother did not work for 25 yrs. She never had any money to buy anything for herself or go anywhere. Had to scrimp on groceries to buy her ciggs., ask dad for money for the church offering, clothes, etc. I new that would never be me.
Oh, I know, that is scary, I completey understand.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,078 posts, read 8,861,576 times
Reputation: 3620
I agree with CoolHand. I, myself am very independent, it's only gotten to this point in my life where I don't mind letting someone else take care of things. My SO makes literally three times as much money as I do, he insists on living where we do and having the hobbies he has, as such, he pays the majority of the bills. I cover what I need and the electric bill (which can be in excess of $200 monthly) so I do my share but in all reality, if we were living simpler, I'd do more.
For me though, I've been on my own since I was very young, had to do always do for myself, when I divorced my kids father he was only as helpful as he was required to be and so since a young age, I've learned to do for me - not a bad thing but it's part of me being so independent and it also makes me a bit of a control freak (LOL), not so much because I WANT to control everything- but through life experiences, I've not had the luxury of depending on anyone else - so, I do for me and my children and it was like a fear for me to let someone else take the reins for a while - despite the fact that they could maybe do a better job or could be more helpful than me by myself. Make sense? I don't think poorly of you because you are in a comfie situation at all, but yeah, it's going to be strange for you for a bit - don't worry you will learn to somewhat enjoy it
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:12 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 10,125,806 times
Reputation: 7891
Quote:
Originally Posted by andreaspercheron View Post
I agree with CoolHand. I, myself am very independent, it's only gotten to this point in my life where I don't mind letting someone else take care of things. My SO makes literally three times as much money as I do, he insists on living where we do and having the hobbies he has, as such, he pays the majority of the bills. I cover what I need and the electric bill (which can be in excess of $200 monthly) so I do my share but in all reality, if we were living simpler, I'd do more.
For me though, I've been on my own since I was very young, had to do always do for myself, when I divorced my kids father he was only as helpful as he was required to be and so since a young age, I've learned to do for me - not a bad thing but it's part of me being so independent and it also makes me a bit of a control freak (LOL), not so much because I WANT to control everything- but through life experiences, I've not had the luxury of depending on anyone else - so, I do for me and my children and it was like a fear for me to let someone else take the reins for a while - despite the fact that they could maybe do a better job or could be more helpful than me by myself. Make sense? I don't think poorly of you because you are in a comfie situation at all, but yeah, it's going to be strange for you for a bit - don't worry you will learn to somewhat enjoy it
Thank you, everything you said makes sense and relatable, I hope I just loosen up and stop analyzing and overthinking and START LIVING!
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:15 AM
 
12,660 posts, read 8,429,349 times
Reputation: 4743
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
This is a very interesting observation. I worked in a fashion industry and day after day after day I cared about designing for women, who were not even the type of women that I cared to design for, more for the paycheck. I cared about meeting the mark-ups, I cared about the buttons, the lace, the fabric...and when I would get on a subway (1 hour commute to Brooklyn), I would read. And I felt like my world broadens just from that one hour.
I agree that career doesn't equate to intelligence. I think with me it has more to do with independence. I like to just go to the store and buy whatever I want knowing that I'm spending the money that I made myself. I never thought about it as an issue of trust, although every time I would think of my unemployed friends thoughts such as "what if he leaves her, she has nothing", would cross my mind.
Hi max's mama,

To take the point home, that is why men do find the intelligent generalist very attractive in a woman and are very satisfied with it. It compliments well with income. Income is derived from specialization. That is half the equation. The other half is the allocation of resources which is the sphere of the generalist. If you do apply this, he may well be very happy if not so much you being happy.

Indeed is has to do with independence. One needs an income before they may allocate it usefully.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,078 posts, read 8,861,576 times
Reputation: 3620
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
Thank you, everything you said makes sense and relatable, I hope I just loosen up and stop analyzing and overthinking and START LIVING!
You are very welcome. Now go! Live it up!!
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Little Rock, AR
3,200 posts, read 2,415,724 times
Reputation: 8764
I worked full time my entire adult life and was financially independent. Then I got married and had a son only to have my husband die when our son was eight. I then became fully responsible for my self and my son.

Years later I married again and was unemployed for a short time after moving to TX to live with my new husband. I then got a job and was again contributing to the family. Within a few months of my starting work I had to quit my job to become a caregiver to my husband (cancer). Now he is able to work again, but I remain at home to be available to take him to hospital visits and care for him when he has chemo or more surgeries.

I am financially dependant on him now but he is just as dependent on me...just in other ways. This is the first time I was ever able to be a stay at home mom/wife and I kind of like it at the ripe old age of 55.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Southern California
890 posts, read 1,535,625 times
Reputation: 756
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
No, this is not another "is she a gold-digger" thread.

I wanted to know if there are any other women here who at some point in their lives were completely dependant on their husbands/partners financially.
Eversince I was a teenager in high school, I always worked. Sometimes even 2-3 jobs at a time. I've been with my husband for 10 years and most of the time I had a job. I took some time off when my son was born, but even then I knew that before I know it I will be back in a work force. Yeah, we have a joint bank account and money were never an issue with us.
Now, we have moved to a new state and he is the only one working. With bad economy, I still find myself unemployed. He has zero problem with being the only one working for now. He tells me to just relax and enjoy my time off. Something along the line: you worked for so many years, just enjoy this time, stay home for awhile.
I find myself in an unfamiliar territory. Why am I so uncomfortable being dependant so much on my husband making money? Why can't I put myself into a frame of mind of a traditional woman and just be a housewife for awhile? Why do I have to have that freedom and independence?

There probably will be women rolling my eyes reading my post like: "i wish i had your problems, I have to hunt for myself and my family". Yes, I completely understand that I should be grateful and I have it good, but I really am struggling now emotionally. Hopefully I will get a job soon, but I just wanted to hear if someone else can share their experience.
I think you know you can depend on yourself. Even though you trust your husband, it is not guaranteed that he will remain the same.

People change as time goes on. You are not the same person 10 years ago as you are today, and the same is true for your husband.

Sure you both have similar values and that's what keep your relationship and commitment intact today. But it is still not guaranteed because one or both of you can change.

My wife and I decided that it would be a good idea that she becomes sahm when our 2nd child was born 10 years ago. Things change, not just as each of us as a person, but the dynamics and needs of the family that the lifestyle we want requires more resources than we currently have.

My wife wants to go back to work, but the transition seems much harder being out of the work force in 10 years. And the logistics for caring of the kids ha become a huge part of our life.

Weighing the value to earn a few more resources but lessen that revenue for the child care expenses, is that "worth" her time away from the kids?

There are also other benefits for her to be at work besides the extra resource, such as giving her time away from family to pursue her own individual interests and growth. And through many communications (where we each talk and listen to each other), she get's "time off" to do her stuff while I care for the kids. Perhaps that is enough to satisfy or re-define the notion of being dependent from him the only one working.

At the same time too, I have had feelings of resentment to be the only one working, despite the fact that I agreed she stay home. Some I pin-pointed to extra expense which I thought were not needed; or luxury that could have been well spent on something else where the family could enjoy. So communication helps clear up these things.
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