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masturbation is perfectly natural, human, and socially acceptable. .
I completely agree with this. However, I DON'T agree that it is acceptable behavior in the next room when you are home. No way. Sorry. I think the guy has a fantasy-thing going, a bad habit, if you will, and he's having a hard time (sorry about the pun!) yanking himself away from that (wow - a double whammy!).
I know many won't agree, but I'd never ever be okay with this. If I'm home, come to momma, or don't come at all.
I know that my perception of *porn* will always be tainted with side affects of growing up in a very religious household where it was taboo/distasteful/etc, but fastforward 26 years, happily engaged to a man I love more than life itself.
We had "an issue" a few months ago, when I caught him (hmmm how do I make this forum-appropriate) when I caught him... physically engaged Iin his lap, while watching some of the cruder forms of porn on youtube one night.
I flipped out. ... instantly conjuring up past-memories of the night I caught an ex doing the same thing on webcam to someone he met online and had begun a relationship while still living with me... that was the end of the rope for him. ...but I digress.
Now I know, to be fair, we can't compare exes to presents to futures. So we talked it out calmly and rationaly. And after explaining to him that.. putting aside fears of inadequacy, that it wasn't something I was comfortable with him doing by himself without me, he deeply apologized and promised never to do it again, now knowing what it meant to me, or how it affected me. (just an FYI, I don't hate porn.. porn together can be a kinky fun learning experince - but porn by himself, while he was going through great lengths to hide it/do it late at night/not get caught.. that feels like cheating to me)
Fast forward to last night, where our story begins (now that you've got the background painted). I am catching the flu, from taking care of other flu victims so I kissed him goodnight and went to bed early.
I shot up bolt upright in the middle of the night when a kitten landed on me (she does this frequently, but her timing last night was impeccable) and you guessed it.. the computer monitor was on, he was stripped down, and going away at it. What makes this whole situation worse is.. not knowing how to react I just sat there and stared at him - (not angrily, just more out of disbelief). He held my stare for about a minute, turned his back on me, closed down the computer, and climbed into his side of the bed without saying a word. Lights out, party's over. I cried myself to sleep, and it was a good long time before I was able to go back to sleep.
We both went our seperate ways to work this morning. He wants to talk to me, and I'm at a loss. How do I talk to him, when I can't even look him in the eye. I don't want him sleeping next to me, I don't want him to try to hug me, or say he's sorry some more. Sorry works the first time. I don't want to hear him say he loves me. You don't hurt people you love like this.
Thoughts? comments? Nothing I rehearse in my head comes out sounding like anything other than an ultimatum. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do you live with someone that you now know you never will be able to trust?
He's going to be furious at me for treating him like he can't be trusted anymore.. and on a more depressing side, I will resent him for knowing deep down that he's broken through a barrier that there's no fully coming back from.
I love him. But if I let this go, I'll be just like those housewives that look the other way after his third or fourth affair, after all, if you were going to make a stink about it, why did you let it go this long in the first place.
I'm sorry that you feel the way you do, but I think that perhaps you need to see it from his eyes. I can't imagine for example, my husband having issues with me watching porn when he is not present for me sexually. I think since you were sick, you weren't present for him sexually, correct me if I'm wrong. This is my body, I don't physically go out and cheat on him with other men and I just can't imagine that it would bother me or him. If he is wacking off to porn, perhaps there is not enough sex between you 2 or perhaps he just needs more then you can give him even if you have it every day. Some men are just very sexual this way. They love watching other women having sex. Can you blame them? We are beautiful when we are doing it.
I don't want to sound like it's YOUR issue, because you are entitled to feel angry if you are angry. You might feel unloved, like why does he need to do this right next to me? But look at it this way: he has a healthy sex drive. Imagine if it was the opposite? If he wasn't sexual? It's way worse.
He now must feel very ashamed. It's not a good feeling to feel ashamed for doing something sexual that is pleasing to you and really not harmful to someone else. Perhaps you can come to compromise, like he should never do that when you are home, wait until you leave or something...
Please communicate to him without making him feel shame. It's a wrong step into a wrong direction. This is something that he must physically need, I really do believe that, because if he didn't, he would have stopped after the first warning. Try to understand his feelings and maybe you will both come to some compromise.
Most guys do this and it is perfectly natural and OK. Why don't you make it part of your thing to join him and give him a hand.
There is a producer of erotic - Andrew Blake. He does some beautiful work. Grab a AB CD, a bottle of wine and make it an evening and let him know you are OK with it.
What you need to understand is that it's not you but an erotic thing for him. You might enjoy it and you might try it also.
Not me. I don't look at it because I enjoy seeing her get it. I imagine I'm the one doing it. Which makes homemade even better in that aspect. That and going into a fantasy over her features.
Same with girl/girl so many say guys like seeing two girls, I don't unless I'm in the mix somehow.
A lot of women feel the way you do, so you are not alone. However, masturbation is normal and healthy, even in a committed relationship.
He should not have gone back on his word. But, I also think he should not have agreed to it to begin with. I agree with the others in that I think he meant well, but it was unrealistic of him to even consider it. Add that to the embarassment when they are confronted with in a manner that might make them feel embarassed or perverted for doing it. You may have put him in a position to where he felt he was going to lose you if he didn't agree to it; that's extremely unfair.
In all reality, what happened with your ex is not his problem, nor is your upbringing. Did you know he did this before you were married? I find it hard to believe he didn't do it then. Regardless, he should not have to accomodate and pay for fears and insecurities he didn't create. It is a problem for you and it matters to you, so it does matter. But it is really something you need to come to terms with on your own, for you, with his full support.
I can see where it becomes a problem when it is compulsive, when there is addiction involved. This doesn't sound like anything more than a man simply relieving himself with a visual aid.
well, you can react like an adult, or you can do what my sister in law did, turn off the internet and sell the computer..
you two both need to sit down and talk about it
not over dinner, not over breakfast, at the table, across from each other, and look each other in the eye
I really really struggle with women who cannot let their men just be men. Self love -is- natural like many have said from this thread. In fact, your type of suppression from natural instincts is what is unnatural and I feel detrimental to your relationship.
I do not judge you though, as your life is your's. However, at the end of the day, its a matter of what you can accept and what you cannot. Accept him or move on, to change him is going to be a futile effort and he doesn't deserve to be deprived of his natural instincts.
Not me. I don't look at it because I enjoy seeing her get it. I imagine I'm the one doing it. Which makes homemade even better in that aspect. That and going into a fantasy over her features.
Same with girl/girl so many say guys like seeing two girls, I don't unless I'm in the mix somehow.
I meant other women having sex with guys or girls or with themselves. In general...not necessarily girl on girl action.
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... instantly conjuring up past-memories of the night I caught an ex doing the same thing on webcam to someone he met online and had begun a relationship while still living with me... that was the end of the rope for him. ...but I digress.
- but porn by himself, while he was going through great lengths to hide it/do it late at night/not get caught.. that feels like cheating to me)
so I kissed him goodnight and went to bed early.
