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Old 10-14-2009, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,470,868 times
Reputation: 40198

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I agree. I can't rep you again (I wanted to in the dead baby thread too) but can't yet. You explained my point of view very well. It is serious that the husband went back on his word, but how does one broach the subject? "Honey, my earlier agreement not to watch it was rash, and I want to take it back"? I think it's a bad idea to set someone up to fail by forcing them to lie and sneak around.
I think in all likelihood her fiance's promise not to view porn again was made in good faith (she gives us no reason to think he's addicted or untrustworthy in general).

He probably really wanted to believe he could give it up to meet her comfort level, but the reality is men are VERY visual creatures. When they are not getting their needs met (for whatever reason, valid or invalid) they sometimes resort to its use. This is very common and not the end of the world.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Southern California
890 posts, read 2,781,215 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marylandkitten View Post
I need help guys!

I know that my perception of *porn* will always be tainted with side affects of growing up in a very religious household where it was taboo/distasteful/etc, but fastforward 26 years, happily engaged to a man I love more than life itself.

We had "an issue" a few months ago, when I caught him (hmmm how do I make this forum-appropriate) when I caught him... physically engaged Iin his lap, while watching some of the cruder forms of porn on youtube one night.
I flipped out. ... instantly conjuring up past-memories of the night I caught an ex doing the same thing on webcam to someone he met online and had begun a relationship while still living with me... that was the end of the rope for him. ...but I digress.

Now I know, to be fair, we can't compare exes to presents to futures. So we talked it out calmly and rationaly. And after explaining to him that.. putting aside fears of inadequacy, that it wasn't something I was comfortable with him doing by himself without me, he deeply apologized and promised never to do it again, now knowing what it meant to me, or how it affected me. (just an FYI, I don't hate porn.. porn together can be a kinky fun learning experince - but porn by himself, while he was going through great lengths to hide it/do it late at night/not get caught.. that feels like cheating to me)

Fast forward to last night, where our story begins (now that you've got the background painted). I am catching the flu, from taking care of other flu victims so I kissed him goodnight and went to bed early.

I shot up bolt upright in the middle of the night when a kitten landed on me (she does this frequently, but her timing last night was impeccable) and you guessed it.. the computer monitor was on, he was stripped down, and going away at it. What makes this whole situation worse is.. not knowing how to react I just sat there and stared at him - (not angrily, just more out of disbelief). He held my stare for about a minute, turned his back on me, closed down the computer, and climbed into his side of the bed without saying a word. Lights out, party's over. I cried myself to sleep, and it was a good long time before I was able to go back to sleep.

We both went our seperate ways to work this morning. He wants to talk to me, and I'm at a loss. How do I talk to him, when I can't even look him in the eye. I don't want him sleeping next to me, I don't want him to try to hug me, or say he's sorry some more. Sorry works the first time. I don't want to hear him say he loves me. You don't hurt people you love like this.

Thoughts? comments? Nothing I rehearse in my head comes out sounding like anything other than an ultimatum. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do you live with someone that you now know you never will be able to trust?

He's going to be furious at me for treating him like he can't be trusted anymore.. and on a more depressing side, I will resent him for knowing deep down that he's broken through a barrier that there's no fully coming back from.

I love him. But if I let this go, I'll be just like those housewives that look the other way after his third or fourth affair, after all, if you were going to make a stink about it, why did you let it go this long in the first place.
So you're not in a position to provide or meet a need of his?
Did he ask you?
Was there enough attempts to communicate his needs to you?
Did he feel he gave effort to communicate that need to you?

He has needs; how can he meet them without your help?

Also, what do you think is wrong with what he was doing?
He was in your bedroom, obviously needing it, and not disturbing you.

Do you feel the need to shame him for his behavior?

Do you think his behavior is a slippery slope to having full blown affairs, and perhaps with hooker and getting diseases? Where does your fear bring you?

p.s. one book I've read has some parts pertaining to porn, it's called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Glover.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:46 PM
 
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,974 posts, read 33,889,502 times
Reputation: 10491
I think you are completely and totally overreacting and need to get a hold of your emotions. How can you go from being upset at him "helping himself" to thinking about him having "third and fourth affairs"? That is so totally ridiculous. I understand that you dont want him doing it without you because you feel like its cheating, but HE'S A GUY!!! Guys do this. Him on the internet taking care of himself is totally totally totally totally different than him having affairs on you. And the part in your first paragraph about growing up in a household where porn was taboo/distasteful etc. we ALL grew up in homes like that, so for you to say you may feel "tainted with side effects" from that is ridiculous because we all grew up in homes were its "taboo/distasteful".

Your husband is probably doing it to relieve stress. Men, are different from women in this sense. If we are stressed, having this "release" eases it. With women, they want nothing to do with sex when stressed. Maybe he just didnt want to bother you because you were sick.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:46 PM
 
22,768 posts, read 30,662,746 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marylandkitten View Post
But if I let this go, I'll be just like those housewives that look the other way after his third or fourth affair, after all, if you were going to make a stink about it, why did you let it go this long in the first place.
Maybe you should break it off with him, and go search for a man who does not jerk off.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:51 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,613,873 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I think in all likelihood her fiance's promise not to view porn again was made in good faith (she gives us no reason to think he's addicted or untrustworthy in general).

He probably really wanted to believe he could give it up to meet her comfort level, but the reality is men are VERY visual creatures. When they are not getting their needs met (for whatever reason, valid or invalid) they sometimes resort to its use. This is very common and not the end of the world.
I agree, loves. Maybe the OP and her husband could come to a reasonable understanding. Since it really bothers her, I won't encourage her to just get over it, but maybe her husband could have a place where he has privacy, like a computer in a spare bedroom. Kind of a safe zone for him, with the understanding that he doesn't bring anything out of that room (expectations, expenses) and she doesn't bring anything into that room (condemnation, distrust). Or maybe they can agree that she does not want to know anything about it and he can take care of himself while she is out shopping or at the gym.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:55 PM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,401 posts, read 13,352,859 times
Reputation: 5774
I didn't know this would get so many varied responses so fast, thank you guys!

Instead of addressing everyone's individual interjections, I just want to mention that I know this isn't the end of the world. I have to keep telling myself that. I don't want this to turn into a relationship where day by day, I'm swallowing one thing after another (metaphorically here, guys), compromising on one thing or another that makes me increasingly uncomfortable, until I hit a brick wall and think.. how did I get here, how did I let it get this far.

He's not a bad person. He has never given me a reason to mistrust him, and being sexually depraved or neglected has never been a top priority (that I know of) in the past.

I called one of my friends earlier, and her response gave me mixed feelings. - For one, she agreed like most of you, masturbation is perfectly natural, human, and socially acceptable. What should be important if we talk (and we have to talk) should be addressing going back on his word.
- For two, him doing it to porn and going through lengths to hide it can become an issue that gets very out of control very fast, if it turns into.. him using footage of women that look like someone we know, women that he knows, women that he doesn't know, but can't get it off with me anymore without the added stimulus, or completely not engaging in sex with me anymore, but ONLY to his websites at night, etc.

I have a few hours before he gets home from work tonight, to mull through how to approach this without making it worse.

I know not everyone will understand my fears or reasonings behind why this particular frame of circumstance gives me the same metaphorical "kick to the stomach" kind of blow that cheating would. But I appreciate all of your input regardless.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,470,868 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I agree, loves. Maybe the OP and her husband could come to a reasonable understanding. Since it really bothers her, I won't encourage her to just get over it, but maybe her husband could have a place where he has privacy, like a computer in a spare bedroom. Kind of a safe zone for him, with the understanding that he doesn't bring anything out of that room (expectations, expenses) and she doesn't bring anything into that room (condemnation, distrust). Or maybe they can agree that she does not want to know anything about it and he can take care of himself while she is out shopping or at the gym.
I think if she is able to accept that some or her expectations are not quite reasonable in the real world, then a compromise could be worked out.

I would hate for her to lose an otherwise awesome relationship over this non-issue
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Old 10-14-2009, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,470,868 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marylandkitten View Post
I didn't know this would get so many varied responses so fast, thank you guys!

Instead of addressing everyone's individual interjections, I just want to mention that I know this isn't the end of the world. I have to keep telling myself that. I don't want this to turn into a relationship where day by day, I'm swallowing one thing after another (metaphorically here, guys), compromising on one thing or another that makes me increasingly uncomfortable, until I hit a brick wall and think.. how did I get here, how did I let it get this far.

He's not a bad person. He has never given me a reason to mistrust him, and being sexually depraved or neglected has never been a top priority (that I know of) in the past.

I called one of my friends earlier, and her response gave me mixed feelings. - For one, she agreed like most of you, masturbation is perfectly natural, human, and socially acceptable. What should be important if we talk (and we have to talk) should be addressing going back on his word.
- For two, him doing it to porn and going through lengths to hide it can become an issue that gets very out of control very fast, if it turns into.. him using footage of women that look like someone we know, women that he knows, women that he doesn't know, but can't get it off with me anymore without the added stimulus, or completely not engaging in sex with me anymore, but ONLY to his websites at night, etc.

I have a few hours before he gets home from work tonight, to mull through how to approach this without making it worse.

I know not everyone will understand my fears or reasonings behind why this particular frame of circumstance gives me the same metaphorical "kick to the stomach" kind of blow that cheating would. But I appreciate all of your input regardless.
Going back on his word IS an issue, I agree. HOWEVER, try to consider that he was most likely trying to make you happy when he made that promise, only later to realize how unrealistic it really was. I'd cut him some slack if I were you
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Old 10-14-2009, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Sango, TN
24,869 posts, read 24,336,375 times
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No one can tell you what to think about this issue.

Self love is normal for men. Almost every man I know, married, single, divorced, old, young, all of us do it.

My thinking would be it is a way for him to indulge his animal instinct to mate with other women, without actually doing the act.

To me, what he was doing is not cheating. However, I am not a part of your relationship. If it bothers you, then I would say this is going to be a problem. You running after him like the mother of a 13 year old isn't going to help your relationship, or this problem. It might make it worse.

One of two things are going to happen.

You are going to have to learn to live with this, and let it go.

or.

You are going to have to end this.

You were sick, he had that "itch". Men aren't women, sometimes we just need a little lovin, and if we can't get it from the wife, we'll get it from something else. Hopefully if you are married, its from yourself. Would you have rather him woke you up in the middle of the night, while you were sick, trying to rub one out?
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Old 10-14-2009, 02:34 PM
 
Location: in my imagination
13,584 posts, read 21,349,909 times
Reputation: 10079
So now I know why you haven't posted much lately....you have been involved.

I don't want to get into the reason for this thread right now just saying hey to ya.
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