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I guess that's why I was always just an average student. I found it difficult to listen when I wasn't interested in what someone had to say. When I really focused and concentrated I did much better.
I can relate to this completely. When I had an instructor that was more dynamic and encouraged interaction from that class, I always did much better in school.
Thanks. Just needed a reality check, I guess. What I am describing here is healthy banter and/or back and forth chatter.
What do you think is going on the mind of a person who thinks that the listener should just sit there quietly and not speak until the speaker is ready for him/her to speak? Is it just about being domineering or some deep need to be heard?
Personally, I hate it when a listener just sits there and offers no verbal feedback.
You are obviously referring to a specific person and specific situations. I think there will always be people that are not gracious, or terribly interested in being so, in their communication skills. In your place, I would try to be flexible and adjust my own style, as needed, to carry out a productive discussion with whomever. You cannot control how others communicate. Your grace will serve to benefit you in such situations.
I can relate to this completely. When I had an instructor that was more dynamic and encouraged interaction from that class, I always did much better in school.
Yes. This is what I benefited from as a student and have naturally adopted as a teaching style now that I am an instructor. I am remembering now that even in acting classes we were trained to not play what was derisively called "my turn, your turn," which made for static, leaden, unrealistic dialogues onstage.
But I still want to know how to converse with people who can't seem to engage in lively conversation. The person I have in mind also seems to need a lot of quiet at work. Maybe there are people who can't hold more than one idea in their heads at one time. It's a mystery...
But I still want to know how to converse with people who can't seem to engage in lively conversation. The person I have in mind also seems to need a lot of quiet at work. Maybe there are people who can't hold more than one idea in their heads at one time. It's a mystery...
Try working questions in to the conversation with someone like that, so they have to interact more during the conversation. Say, what do you think? or Has that ever happened to you?
I have a friend that teaches at the college here, and her styles of conversation seem to vary a lot depending on who she is speaking to, or what the topic is. At times, say when she and I are having lunch and I've been going through something, she takes that as a chance to give me advise, which doesn't require much talking on my part. I've noticed with certain friends, she has a lot more of a constant banter back and forth, very joking.
Last edited by floridadreamer; 10-18-2009 at 11:44 AM..
Try working questions in to the conversation with someone like that, so they have to interact more during the conversation. Say, what do you think? or Has that ever happened to you?
Yes. I did try this once with him, and boy did he have an avalanche of words to say--sadly, including this idea that was stuck in his head that I wouldn't want to listen. I reassured him that I did indeed want to hear what he has to say, that I do listen to him, but that we clearly have two different types of conversational style at hand here. I agreed with many of his ideas and held me tongue regarding the rest. I tried letting him gon on at length and then stating my opinions only when he was clearly finished. This was very hard for me, things got better between us at that point, but what is even more troubling is that other coworkers have been telling me that when he claims that people aren't listening to him, what's really going on, according to my coworkers, is that he is the one who needs to be in control at all times. He needs everyone to be quiet.
In my life I have met two men who were driven batty by my listening or conversational style--like a verbal tennis match, fluid, equal, lots of feedback from both sides, no one sitting there listening for long periods of time without being allowed input.
What do you think? What do you prefer?
I prefer your style of discussion. I do have one friend that needs to speak his thoughts in entirety without being interrupted. I suspect that it's because he has a problem with his short term memory. Anyway, if I am with him, then I have to mentally keep track of all my counterpoints to say to him after he finishes his speech. lol. Fortunately, only one of my friends is like that.
I have a co-worker that has told me that he enjoys listening to what I have to say. And when I ask him for his input about certain situations, I can count on him to say "I really don't know what to say to that..." He's an odd bird. He's the one that I consider him having an Eeyore personality. Also, if I ask him how he is, he will always pause to seriously answer the query, and he is a pessimist about life. So usually he will comment about the negative things in his life, and never anything positive happens to him. I usually have to twist what he says into something more positive... his life isn't tragic, just not great. Interestingly enough, he doesn't mind my positive outlook on life.
This was very hard for me, things got better between us at that point, but what is even more troubling is that other coworkers have been telling me that when he claims that people aren't listening to him, what's really going on, according to my coworkers, is that he is the one who needs to be in control at all times. He needs everyone to be quiet.
Ah, I can see what you mean. I've met people like that. And to be honest, most people just tend to avoid engaging with them.
I learned over many years that there is almost greater pleasure in listening than in talking. And, that the art of real dialogue can be as much a spiritual or romantic experience as any other kind. Perhaps that's part of the influence Martin Buber's I and Thou, his exposition of his philosophy of dialogue, has had upon me over the years
But I also learned from a unique bellettrist, Albert Jay Nock, the pleasure and the virtue in allowing someone his or her pleasure in thinking he or she had discovered some great truth or some great actuality entirely on their own, not once wishing to show them up but, rather, granting them the same pleasure of discovery that you enjoyed yourself when you made a similar discovery on your own, particularly by way of conversation.
I like to think that these among other learnings of mine have made it possible for me to be so surprised and pleased to discover that, at long enough last, I have a SO who thrives upon precious conversation and makes it a joy to engage no matter where we are or what we are doing, whether the subject is something of deep import or something of lighthearted humanness.
That, by the way, is just as sexy as anything else you and your SO could do together. Good talk---which involves better listening---is always an element of real romance.
All actual life is encounter.---Martin Buber, from I and Thou
I prefer your style of discussion. I do have one friend that needs to speak his thoughts in entirety without being interrupted. I suspect that it's because he has a problem with his short term memory. Anyway, if I am with him, then I have to mentally keep track of all my counterpoints to say to him after he finishes his speech. lol. Fortunately, only one of my friends is like that.
I have a co-worker that has told me that he enjoys listening to what I have to say. And when I ask him for his input about certain situations, I can count on him to say "I really don't know what to say to that..." He's an odd bird. He's the one that I consider him having an Eeyore personality.
Thank you, miu. I guess it just keeps coming back around to different strokes for different folks. I just wish the guy I have in mind wouldn't make accusations, as in "You are not listening to me." Ai yai yai... I will have to learn a different kind of conversational style in order to communicate with him. In so many other respects he is worth it.
I learned over many years that there is almost greater pleasure in listening than in talking. And, that the art of real dialogue can be as much a spiritual or romantic experience as any other kind. Perhaps that's part of the influence Martin Buber's I and Thou, his exposition of his philosophy of dialogue, has had upon me over the years
But I also learned from a unique bellettrist, Albert Jay Nock, the pleasure and the virtue in allowing someone his or her pleasure in thinking he or she had discovered some great truth or some great actuality entirely on their own, not once wishing to show them up but, rather, granting them the same pleasure of discovery that you enjoyed yourself when you made a similar discovery on your own, particularly by way of conversation.
I like to think that these among other learnings of mine have made it possible for me to be so surprised and pleased to discover that, at long enough last, I have a SO who thrives upon precious conversation and makes it a joy to engage no matter where we are or what we are doing, whether the subject is something of deep import or something of lighthearted humanness.
That, by the way, is just as sexy as anything else you and your SO could do together. Good talk---which involves better listening---is always an element of real romance.
All actual life is encounter.---Martin Buber, from I and Thou
Thank you. What a beautiful perspective. I think my colleague does have a need to believe that his ideas are unique (even when they are not). Whereas most of my friends take pleasure in knowing that I have had many of the same ideas and experiences, he takes offense and thinks I am trying to compete with him.
I have heard of I and Thou. Charlotte Kasl refers to it quite a bit in her books on relationships. Your post makes me want to read it.
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