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. One time we went out to dinner (kids away), I wore just a coat, stockings and heels. After we were seated, I explained that I would need to keep my coat on as I had nothing underneath..
I know it's not rocket science. It would take too long for me to explain why I'm having such a hard time that I need to ask such a question. Anyway, I asked for step by step 'instructions' because I wanted ideas and details.
Since I've only been with one man for 8 years now, I hardly have any way to compare anything.
Like this, for example, would turn him off completely. His idea of a woman hitting on him is her being kittenish. Kittenish means very subtle. And being very subtle makes him rarely get the point, and rarely does it even count as initiation on my part due to how subtle it really is. Most of the time he sais it was his idea and initiation, and then he claims I never initiate.
Thank you for all the answers by the way
Serafina, you poor sweetheart. I could have written this letter a year ago--nothing I ever did was right, and his crowning complaint was that I was "bizarre in bed." He complained that I never initiated, but that's because I had given up on trying. I was subtle and kittenish (that worked better than anything else) and I was naughty, but whatever I did was wrong--I probably tried everything that was suggested on here. I took my clothes off and pranced around naked and he laughed--always something to throw me off. He initiated sex plenty of times himself or I would have suspected something sooner, but when I did, he always found a way to put me off.
Then I found out that I'd spent half my life with a gay man, and it will take some counseling to undo the damage to my self esteem, and only now am I starting to realize how angry I am about this. There was a huge relief knowing that it wasn't me all along, but years and years of rejection and criticism take their toll. Maybe your man isn't gay, but my bet is that he is, because their hallmark is that you can't do anything right--esp in matters of sex. (I'm talking about gay men who marry women and put them thru hell--I'm not homophobic, but i'm pissed.)
Anyway, glad you all had a good time with your stories--I enjoyed them all and will take notes for future relationships. I can't wait to try the real thing.
Maybe your man isn't gay, but my bet is that he is, because their hallmark is that you can't do anything right--esp in matters of sex.
I took this as an option when things started getting worse and worse. But truth is he's sometimes arroused by me (so it wouldn't make sense for him to be gay, would it?).
There are times when i prance around in some new underwear not suggesting anything, just minding my own business, and he jumps me.
He also never said I don't do anything right. I dunno, talking from intuition here, he's acting like I rejected him big time, that he got used to seeing me as a room-mate he isn't allowed to touch. And now he's more into the 'she's my family' thing. Add to that the fact that he thinks he fails at sex (he's never satisfied with his performance).
He has these moments when he 'forgets' I'm his wife, and all the pressure involved. (I remeber a conversation where I asked him why he doesn't just 'use me' because it's pleasant for me too, and he said that I'm his wife and I deserve much better than that.). Hence, every time he manages to see me from a more detached point of view and forget about how he tries to please me yet fails, he gets in the mood. It's like he's thinking...'hmm, I'd have sex, yeah, but, I can't get her to enjoy it as much as I want...so what's the point?'.
I dunno, it's hard to know how a person thinks when he makes the subject tabu. But that's how I feel it's for him, more of a chore, and in that case I can understand why he wouldn't really want to get into it regardless of what I do. I even heard 'stop that you're making me horny and I'm not in the mood for sex', whatever the hell that means .
I took this as an option when things started getting worse and worse. But truth is he's sometimes arroused by me (so it wouldn't make sense for him to be gay, would it?).
There are times when i prance around in some new underwear not suggesting anything, just minding my own business, and he jumps me.
He also never said I don't do anything right. I dunno, talking from intuition here, he's acting like I rejected him big time, that he got used to seeing me as a room-mate he isn't allowed to touch. And now he's more into the 'she's my family' thing. Add to that the fact that he thinks he fails at sex (he's never satisfied with his performance).
He has these moments when he 'forgets' I'm his wife, and all the pressure involved. (I remeber a conversation where I asked him why he doesn't just 'use me' because it's pleasant for me too, and he said that I'm his wife and I deserve much better than that.). Hence, every time he manages to see me from a more detached point of view and forget about how he tries to please me yet fails, he gets in the mood. It's like he's thinking...'hmm, I'd have sex, yeah, but, I can't get her to enjoy it as much as I want...so what's the point?'.
I dunno, it's hard to know how a person thinks when he makes the subject tabu. But that's how I feel it's for him, more of a chore, and in that case I can understand why he wouldn't really want to get into it regardless of what I do. I even heard 'stop that you're making me horny and I'm not in the mood for sex', whatever the hell that means .
Honey, he sounds like he has some troubling emotional issues. I'd suggest you get him into some counseling, for both your sakes.
I took this as an option when things started getting worse and worse. But truth is he's sometimes arroused by me (so it wouldn't make sense for him to be gay, would it?)
I've encountered many misconceptions about gays since I started on this forum, and this is the most common--that they would never be turned on by a woman and thus can't have sex with one. But. . . even my very effeminate hairdresser who has never gone out with women was able to perform with one once. He said it was enjoyable, but not for him. (This man has been a wonderful support to me in all this.)
Then people think I must be stupid for having been married to a gay man for 23 years and never noticing that he couldn't get it up for me--but of course he could. For years we were on an every other night schedule. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd say that's pretty respectable for a couple that was married as long as we were. The sex wasn't exciting but at least it was dependable.
Forget about all this stuff about guys getting manicures and pedicures and such meaning that he's gay--it's the way your love life just doesn't seem to come together and he either acts like it's all her fault or that he dosn't measure up somehow or there's just some weird issues. That would be a lot more telling, but unless you have someone with experience to point these incosistencies out, you'll miss the signals because it just never seems to add up. And you think that b/c he can perform with you that he can't be gay, but us women who were married to these men are not stupid and we do have children to prove that they can perform sometimes. After all, while he's giving you trouble about not initiating sex, he really might be fantacizing about being swept off his feet by a man--that's what I finally decided must be the case with my husband. The thing that creeps me out the most now that this is all out is what he must have been thinking about while he was with me. I might just as well have never been there--in the bedroom at least, and that's where I'll probably need some counseling.
Another question: how are his relations with other men? Mine never did have too many guy friends--he always was more comfortable with women and I realized later that many men shied away from him, though his gayness was never obvious. A couple of people said they suspected, but most were shocked.
Anyway, sorry guys to highjack such a fun thread, but I think the OP really needs some help here and I hope I have been. I'm not trying to scare you, Serafinez, but if your man is gay, wouldn't you rather know now than when you hit 50 and/or you've wasted half your life on him? Or he decides to act on it and brings home an incurable disease. Just a thought.
Jose is watching TV (Family Guy), and I stand in front of the TV. I say in a very demanding voice (in Spanish): "TV is silly, just do me". Of course, I'd be wearing a long tshirt with nothing underneath, and then...we wake up everyone in the apartment building.
Scenario #2.
I'm cooking...only wearing a small dress or mini skirt. Then, I call Jose to "help" me with "something". He "accidentally" put his hands on my butt (ok, I put his hand on my butt), and...the sink is still on one piece.
Scenario #3.
He comes home from a long day at the base. I wait for him at the door totally naked. We brake tons of articles of the UCMJ in less than ten minutes.
maybe you guys need to find things in life that will stimulate you mentally and physically ...
like do some stuff that you've never done before. .. experience life more..
so basically, you need more excitement in your life, which will eventually bring more excitement to the bedroom again.
It's easy to get stuck in ruts, where every day is the same... and sex is just not as enjoyable as before b.c its always the same, just like everything else..
go on dates to movies/dinner/zoos/shows/camping/traveling/etc...
Last edited by ManGoneADreamin; 10-24-2009 at 12:11 AM..
Maybe you're right. With the recession and all, he always sais he's bored. He works a lot too, and when he calls me he constantly tells me he's bored. So basically nothing gets him excited anymore, in our out of the bedroom. This is some pretty good advice to try thanks.
What's really awkward for me, is how he tends to want to avoid sex, but if i 'push him into it' like i did a couple of days ago, by getting a new set of underwear and just asking him innocently how it looks, he instantly turns on. It's like 'ok, show me but I don't want sex'. And two-three seconds later.....I bet he'd get arroused by looking at me when i run around the house in my underwear too, but he makes a point of not looking when i do that or when i change clothes. Every time he doesn't look somewhere else and actually sees me (not through me) sex happens. I don't get it...at all.
Yeah...why the hell would he always have to mention he doesn't want to, when other parts of him sure do want to? Does this make sense to anyone?
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