Single mom with dating question (kids, honest, perfect, best)

[Kaye02]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

This. ^^

He doesn't have any interest in his own son's activities. He's a reluctant, non-participatory father, and always will be. Discuss it with him. If you can deal with it, then no worries.

His son isn't involved in any activities, according to the OP.

OP- I think you should give the dude a break.

[Oildog]

Just because they dont want to attend sporting events doesnt make them a bad parent. I knew a number of parents who didnt attend the kids games. Maybe once and a while, but parents are people too and get choices on how they spend their time. They are not obligated to follow jr around on his schedule.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by jdwanderson

Hello,

I just joined this forum. I have a question that I'm hoping someone can give me insight on. I'm a single mom with 3 children. I left my marraige 2 1/2 years ago because of verbal and emotional abuse.

Almost a year ago I started dating an amazing man. He's a single, widowed dad with one child. He is EVERYTHING I could ever hope for in a man. Amazing with my children! We do things together with the kids all the time, he plans activities for the kids and has even volunteered to watch my kids while I went to the store. For all intents and purposes we're "blending" families very nicely. Neither one of us is ready for marraige at this point.

There is one rather big issue for me though. He doesn't want to come with me to my kids' activities. He'll agree to come to one soccer game or one gymnastics meet, but yesterday he was at my house helping me with my yard work; it came time to go to my son's soccer game and he just simply said he wasn't planning on going. My girls didn't want to go so he ended up keeping them for me. He had nothing else planned.....just didn't want to go. His son isn't involved in anything and I'm beginning to think it's because he just doesn't want to be bothered with such things. He wants to do what he wants to do on the weekends. He tried to talk me into skipping my son's game in 2 weeks so we could go do something. I very plainly told him no.

I guess my question is, am I expecting too much? Should he want to go to my kids' activities? I would be at everything his son did if he did anything because I think it's important to support them in what they enjoy doing. I just want to make the right decision for me and my kids. I don't want to hold onto a relationship thinking that things might be different later on, but I don't want to throw an incredible relationship away just because it's too soon for him to be so involved. Like I said, He's almost perfect in every other way. He has been very honest with the fact that he wasn't sure he even wanted children and it was a fight with his wife to have only one, but that he's willing to attempt to work through that because of the way he feels about me. Please help! I'm very conflicted at this point.

No, you are not expecting to much...and, be very careful, b/c I tend to be leary of someone who says, "He's everything". He is not...and you have to open your eyes and stop being in love with love or lust or both...this is a big flag, and the kids should come first. He sounds very selfish, and if this is a problem now, it could get much worse...he isn't yet, showing his true self to you...I'm sure you've seen other flags, but be very weary of someone who is self absorbed....when you said he tried to talk you out of going...speaks volumns....

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by MaryS80

So he isn't into being a soccer dad, it does not make him a bad parent. There are so many kids growing up without a father. If he loves his kids, provides for them, and cares for them that makes him a good father. Maybe he just has a different idea of being in his sons life. He may watch a game on TV with his son, or take him fishing. Some guys are kind of old school and look at nurturing as a mother job. We may never know, and who are we to judge?

Where did I say he was "a bad parent"? I said reluctant, and non-participatory. He is one of those dads that would rather do their own thing than get too involved in the childs's daily life. It will work in some families, and it will fail in others. If the OP (and pardon me, but she did ask the question, did she not??) is concerned about the kids having a father figure that is truly involved with them, then she has every right to be questioning this. Parenting styles can be a HUGE source of conflict if they are not a good match. It has broken up many a second marriage, and some first ones too probably. This is one of the reasons I chose to NOT date until my son was older. I don't care to be arguing with anyone on how to raise my son, other than my ex. (And thankfully, he and I are on the same page of that book!)

As far as "who are we to judge?" As to parenting? You're kidding, right? Go check out the parenting forum and ask that question.

[gentlearts]

Going to one's own kids sports events is fun...provided there aren't too many of them. Going to someone else's kids sports events and pretending you care is like torture.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

Where did I say he was "a bad parent"? I said reluctant, and non-participatory. He is one of those dads (thankfully I know very few of them) that would rather do their own thing than get too involved in the childs's life. If the OP (and pardon me, but she did ask the question, did she not??) is concerned about the kids having a father figure that is truly involved with them, then she has every right to be questioning this.

As far as "who are we to judge?" As to parenting? You're kidding, right? Go check out the parenting forum and ask that question.

Hey ChessieMom, I totally agree not to mention, they are not mentally compatible...which is most important in a relationship...the o.p. should reassess and realize, that if he doesn't think and feel like she does now, then there will be many more problems down the road...believe me....

[malamute]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

Hey ChessieMom, I totally agree not to mention, they are not mentally compatible...which is most important in a relationship...the o.p. should reassess and realize, that if he doesn't think and feel like she does now, then there will be many more problems down the road...believe me....

That's what's important. Neither sound like bad parents but they have very different parenting styles and expectations.

It's not a good start for a relationship, they're a ways off from marriage and already having serious issues and differences. It will only get worse.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

Hey ChessieMom, I totally agree not to mention, they are not mentally compatible...which is most important in a relationship...the o.p. should reassess and realize, that if he doesn't think and feel like she does now, then there will be many more problems down the road...believe me....

Yeah that's the part I really wanted to emphasize, and I edited my post to hopefully reflect that.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

Going to one's own kids sports events is fun...provided there aren't too many of them. Going to someone else's kids sports events and pretending you care is like torture.

might be pure torture, but in a case like this, some times one has to stop being so self absorbed and support the other person...sometimes life isn't always fair, but it sure is nice to do things with the other person, b/c they want you to...or want you there....and most of the time, after you've gone, you realize how happy you've made them, by not being so selfish....

[malamute]

Originally Posted by steelstress

OK, let's see. His ex-wife had to battle to have a kid with him. He doesn't involve his kid in activities because he just doesn't care to because he most likely doesn't care for being a father. Though he's assuming his responsibility for him, it sounds like he'd really rather not be kiddie things. What does that tell you?

How many frying pans have to hit you on the head before your realize he's just not a kid loving kind of guy? Dont' ask him to do for your kids what he'd rather not do for his own. Get your head out of the clouds, this is a serious situation.

He obviously isn't someone who is going to be very eager about children's activities. He may be a good enough dad now that he is one - but to four kids? I don't think so.