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It is very hard to leave an 'unhappy' situation. Unhappy comes from a lot of places, stress, the participants, what happens around them.
Sometimes a change is so gradual that you won't realize you're being manipulated into staying.
Sometimes leaving is scarier than the known.
I hate to say it but I think a lot of people stay unhappy because it's easy and it gets them a 'rub.'
Think about the person who constantly complains about what a jerk the significant other is. "Oh, you're too pretty for him," "You're so smart, he should appreciate you more," "She doesn't appreciate what you do for her..." They're getting something out of that.
I've had friends who've dated (married) poor choices. I usually don't discuss spouse's/sig others and a couple of times I've had to ask them to stop telling me because there's nothing I can do.
Of course if you have the terminally unhappy in your life, they will drag you down.
And since I choose to be happy, I don't hang with unhappy. That's the only thing I can control!
Most people do not leave because they do not know that THEY can create a better life. THEY can get great hobbies, find a soul mate, and be happy. Many people rely on outside forces to make themselves happy, but happiness comes from you. I find that when I look on the good side of my situations, I am happy with my life without the feeling of being complete. I will never be complete...but in a good way. I will always be growing and changing, and I like it. I will always want to learn things, try things, and do things. It makes me look forward to each day.
THAT attitude is what people are missing. They don't realize it is in their power to be happy. So, they stay in these situations because instead of thinking "What can I do to be happier?", they think "if my life changes at all, it could get worse, so I won't rock the boat". Yes, life CAN get worse. But if I wasn't happy already, I would rather take that chance.
It's the fear of the unknown and of simply being alone that seems to drive many to stay when they should clearly go.
Exactly. I think that fear is the one thing that holds people back from ever doing anything new.. I've noticed that, in general, people don't react well to change. The bigger the change, the harder it is to cope with it.
Personally, I think it's silly. Everytime that I've been afraid of doing something, and then did it, it's always turned out alright. In fact, most of the time things have turned out better than they ever would have.
LM, I don't think I've ever read anything you've posted that didn't make sense.. you're always right on.. I appreciate that.
Exactly. I think that fear is the one thing that holds people back from ever doing anything new.. I've noticed that, in general, people don't react well to change. The bigger the change, the harder it is to cope with it.
I agree with you and the rockety LM. Also, a couple of years is more than enough time to feel the attachment, kids or no kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by valeeighty2
I've asked myself this questions many times... specially when people stay in abusive relationships... why would you put yourself and your children (if there are any) through such hell?
One minute it is understandable if there are kids involved, or if they have been together more than a couple of years. The next, abuse victims are condemned for putting themselves and their kids through the abuse. There are kids involved, their marriage may have lasted more than a few years. And someone who took vows and sticks around for their kids is also "understandable". If it is wrong, it's wrong. Isn't it? Just goes to prove that no two situations are alike, and it is not as easy to pack up and bolt.
Aside from what UB and LM stated, no victim puts themself through it. Abusers put them through it and it is fear that keeps them there. And when you have a child with an abuser, it is even harder to get away from it. I could go on and on, but if you really want to know how the whys of that scenario, you can do the research.
easy question.
fear, the great fear
bek so many people hate loath detest fear of -------------- being alone.
yes beat me take my money call me names lie and cheat on me, but dont leave me alone, ever.
it is fear of being alone that drives people to suffer huge abuse.
I personally doubt that I could ever connect to a person as much as I did with my current SO. And while I've been very unhappy for more than a year due to lack of any kind of sex + rejections from his part, and there came a point where affection and communication was missing completely too, I decided to 'leave and start over'.
That meaning that I took responsability for everything I did wrong (not showing affection, being nagging sometimes, not taking enough care of myself and our house) without expecting him to change what he's doing wrong. I also treated him as if I barely got to know him, flirted with him, listened to him every single time he needed me (similar to what I'd do with a new person). And guess what...in 5-6 months things have gotten great. There's still a bit more to go, but I'm getting there. Thinking back, I could have left. I went past lots of anger and resentment in order to be nice and supportive. I could have made the same effort to face my fears and leave. But I would have left behind my first love, the person i grew up and developed a personality with, we've had a lot of amazing moments and a huuuuge chunk of my life was with him. Those are things I wasn't ready to let go of. And to tell the truth, aside from us not getting along in bed and becoming detached, nothing major such as abuse, cheating or otherwise happened. Yeah, sometimes it's best you leave, but sometimes it's best you take some time and try to fix the relationship before you decide to leave (and no, 'let's work on things' and then demand what you want has never counted as fixing things).
People live everyday in unhappy relationships, they all have different reasons, some stay for convenience, some stay due to fear, some stay because it's a financial gain, some just get very comfortable. I think for me it's not the fear of the unknown, I've already been single before but it's maybe just a comfort level. The older you get the less you are inclined to make drastic changes in life. If the relationship isn't horrible but a person is more or less just unhappy for basic reasons - they really should stay to be sure it's not just boredom before making a drastic change and believe me, we all get bored.
I understand where you are coming from, I do... but have you thought about what your son is going through? I do not mean to offend you in any way, nor do I know what kind of relationship you have, or what is it that you are going through.
But coming from a broken home, my father stayed with my mother because of us kids, and we suffered a great deal. In the end I would have much preferred my father taken us away from that witch when he had the chance instead of making us share the hell!!! just MHO...
Your dad was a man. The courts would have taken you from him.
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