Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well it's obvious to us total strangers that sex was your underlying priority, I'm sure somewhere in all of your "deep" getting to know you conversations she picked up on that as well. Either that, or after getting to know you, she just wasn't into you that way.
You need to be more honest with yourself before pursuing a relationship. Are you spilling the goods in order to draw them closer to you and perhaps drop their guard? If sex is your priority, then don't waste your and her time pretending you want some deep meaningful long term relationship when what you really want is something more casual and sexual.
You seem somewhat shallow. You use terms like "before I got in her pants" and "we can never be friends unless she gained 40 pounds"...Sounds more like you wanted them to like you for who you are, but you could really care less about who they are underneath it all. If you were dating my daughter and I heard you say some of these things, my impression and advice to her is that she brought home a douchebag. Now I don't know you, and I'm not calling you one, but from what you posted here, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a douchebag.
Hold the phone. It's Relationship First, Sex Second. Why on earth would you sleep with a woman before you knew about her? That's not sex or making love. That's just masturbating in a woman's body.
I made the mistake of talking on the phone/online with a girl for many hours a day and many days a week before.
BEFORE I got in her pants...
So, I basically opened myself up to her before we even had a romantic/sexual relationship.
I tried several times (not real good attempts, I'll admit) to let her know that I liked her as more than a friend, etc. And each time she responded by saying 'not right now'/we need to know each other better.. etc..
I respected this girl so much, that I was nervous of making a serious move, b.c I didn't know how to take the possible rejection of someone I cared about and liked a lot.
So finally, after many, many months of 'being friends'/ seeing where things would lead, I lost it, and ended our relationship of being friends right there. I didn't answer her calls, and was honest and told her I didn't want to be friends anymore or have contact with her.
The girl knew the whole time that I wanted more, and she kept leading me on, and was never str8 up with me it seemed like. Like she said that she was attracted to me for like the first month or so, but then she just liked me as a friend... Yet she led me to believe that there was a possibility of more...
Did I enjoy talking with her? Sharing thoughts/feelings? Sure.. at the time. But I regret it all now.
Thankfully, I don't think I'll make this mistake ever again. Is this a mistake that many other men make, but usually only one time?
With the 4 other women I've met since her.. I made sure to make a move that first or second day of hanging out with them.
None of them rejected me, and I felt at least I got something out of the relationship right away, instead of giving a women my feelings before she even put out... I felt in control of those relationships.. and I believe it's because I acted like a man and went for the pu$$y first, instead of the emotional **** women like first..
I believe that in all reality- women don't respect a man who doesn't make a move when he wants to. Men can never just be friends with a woman they are attracted to.... unless said woman gains 40 lbs or so all the sudden.
Do you women ever purposefully knowingly stay friends with a guy that really is into you... Even though you know you'll never give him any action? Kind of like waving a bone over a dog that's wagging it's tail but never droppin it...
Oh boy, where to begin, you seem like a nice guy, so I'll help you....
1. The phone is used to set up a meeting. Not develop a relationship. You develop a relationship with someone you spend time with, as in your physical proximity has to be within 20 ft of each other.
2. Don't ever tell a girl that you want a relationship with her. If she wants one, she will let you know one way or another. It's not your place to bring it up. It will never work out for you if you initiate it. Don't do it.
3. Cutting off contact with her: insignificant move, at that point it was too late anyways, probably a good idea for your sake to spare yourself some pain and help you move on. You must move on.
4. The big question: why did she lead you on? She was getting a certain satisfaction from having phone conversations and was using you for them. You see, men and women are different and have different needs. Men need sex, women need to talk. Women need sex ever once in a blue moon, so that's why she slept with you, it wasn't for you, she did it for herself. She loved talking to you and getting things off her chest and helping her talk about things she can't tell strangers because maybe she didn't have someone else she could talk to, it makes women feel better to talk about their issues. She was making herself feel better knowing you were agonizing. Get used to this, women have no problem doing this to you.
What you should have done. She calls, don't answer. Call her back an hour later, say you were busy, make very short chit-chat and tell her when and where to meet you. If she balks, or hesitates, say "you know what, give me a call when you're more flexible, I gotta run". If she accepts to meet you, you go out at night time, dinner or drinks or something date-like. You go out to have FUN, not to just talk about her problems. You make jokes, keep conversation light and funny, no heavy subjects, no politics/religion/feelings/past relationship/sex. If she asks you any heavy questions, you will make a joke out of it and make her try to pry the information out of you. You don't want her to know you 100%, this is what people talk about when they say "be a mystery to her". Date other girls, even while you're dating her. If she hasn't locked you in a relationship, you should go out with any girl and every girl you can. If she finds out, so what? It will only help you, it'll make her wonder why all these women want you and if there's any hope: she will want you too.
Get past this girl, stop wondering why she doesn't like you or why she would lead you on. That doesn't matter. What matters is she DOES NOT like you and DOES NOT want a relationship with you. Nothing else matters and you should ask out the next cute girl you bump into.
[quote=cdubs3201;11318627]Oh boy, where to begin, you seem like a nice guy, so I'll help you....
1. The phone is used to set up a meeting. Not develop a relationship. You develop a relationship with someone you spend time with, as in your physical proximity has to be within 20 ft of each other.
2. Don't ever tell a girl that you want a relationship with her. If she wants one, she will let you know one way or another. It's not your place to bring it up. It will never work out for you if you initiate it. Don't do it.
3. Cutting off contact with her: insignificant move, at that point it was too late anyways, probably a good idea for your sake to spare yourself some pain and help you move on. You must move on.
4. The big question: why did she lead you on? She was getting a certain satisfaction from having phone conversations and was using you for them. You see, men and women are different and have different needs. Men need sex, women need to talk. Women need sex ever once in a bluemoon, so that's why she slept with you, it wasn't for you, she did it for herself. She loved talking to you and getting things off her chest and helping her talk about things she can't tell strangers because maybe she didn't have someone else she could talk to, it makes women feel better to talk about their issues. She was making herself feel better knowing you were agonizing. Get used to this, women have no problem doing this to you.
Can't wait to see the response from all the hot-blooded (at least half of the population of "normal" red-blooded women) females out there!
Can't wait to see the response from all the hot-blooded (at least half of the population of "normal" red-blooded women) females out there!
Yeah, well...here I go...
I don't know about some women, but I would need/want sex pretty frequently, contrary to what some men believe. Something around once or twice a day would be satisfying I guess. I dunno, maybe I have special needs .
Anyway, what I don't get from this post. Why do you regret talking to her and sharing feelings with her? You personally said you enjoyed it.
Quote:
Men need sex, women need to talk.
Nah, both men and women want and need to have sex and talk. Men find it easier to express themselves by sex, because that makes them manly and secure.
Quote:
I acted like a man and went for the pu$$y first
While they feel that sharing feelings makes them weak (and that it's womanly stuff), while for women it's exactly the opposite.
Quote:
instead of giving a women my feelings before she even put out.
They are incouraged to talk, but not 'put out for every ****** that only wants sex and then will leave'.
Men are with feelings like women are with sex. God forbid anyone knows they have them or they can share them. God forbid anyone knows they like to do so. Truth is, women like sex, and men like to talk, but oh boy, some of them would never admit to that. Sometimes not even to themselves, because it ruins their self-image. ('Omg, I shared feelings, omg, I must not be manly enough, omg, I should never ever do that again')
Quote:
Thankfully, I don't think I'll make this mistake ever again.
That's also the reason why, if a man would like to talk, he'll do that with a woman! Who already is very comfortable with talking about feelings, because she's been taught it's proper for her to have feelings and share them. If doing that with a man, he'd somehow feel ashamed and less of a man to show he has feelings. But, for doing that with a woman (showing weakness), they expect her to show weakness too (by having sex, because that's what makes her vulnerable).When she doesn't do that, they feel hurt (I was vulnerable for you and you don't wanna be vulnerable for me, I felt intimate enough with you to share feelings, but you don't feel intimate enough with me to have sex).
Quote:
I felt in control of those relationships
Yes, as I said. Sharing feelings makes you feel weak. Whereas the woman giving you sex makes her feel weak. Hence you're in control and she is the vulnerable one. But this control thing you people have is just an illusion really. It's you thinking there are lower chances of getting your feelings hurt (which again proves men have feelings ). That translates into fear. And fear won't get your far in life. I'm not the one to judge, I'm a complete scardy cat in some situations.
Quote:
Men can never just be friends with a woman they are attracted to
.
Yes, because 1st off, when men get arroused they feel like they need to get rid of that arrousal asap. 2nd off, no one likes to feel vulnerable alone.
However, i find that statement overly simplistic. People can and will do whatever they want to do.
Remember Mr. Cat's post...the one with the nice guys you answered to? You've answered your own question partially. You were nice, polite, didn't tell her to her face that you want sex. Hypothetically, that would have made her think you have a hidden agenda. So, as long as you were hiding something, she could have gone ahead and tried to stall for as long as she could, testing you out and seeing if you only want her for sex. Seeing as she might have grown fond of you after sharing feelings, she might have, herself, tried to not get hurt and loose you. She might have thought that you might leave as soon as she puts out, because you got what you wanted. Now that you stoped talking to her, she'll probably think 'that a-hole...he only wanted sex'. Tadaaa ! Not feeling in control also probably made you act like you're shy and don't know what you really want and how to approach her
Sorry for the long post, and small traces of irony. This is strictly my opinion and I might not be right.
Anyway, what I don't get from this post. Why do you regret talking to her and sharing feelings with her? You personally said you enjoyed it.
--------- because I felt VULNERABLE when I knew she wouldn't want more most likely, and than Vulnerable for a little bit after stopping contact with her...
B.c I told this girl a lot of **** about me and how I felt about stuff, stuff that I didn't want anyone else to know except for her, and some stuff only a few others I'd let know about.
And I guess the main reason of the vulnerability is because I didn't feel I could trust her anymore with that information I told her about myself and feelings about her or others. Because of some things she did or said that were out of the ordinary for her. Like, I saw a different part of her that I couldn't trust anymore. (i caught her in some lies near the end, although she and I made it clear to be honest with each other) When I stopped trusting her with stuff, I knew I had to end it.
I've witnessed it all way too often.. girls telling the secrets men shared with them to others.. or just telling others the things guys told them, which the girls know will make the guy look very immature/vulnerable/sissy-like ,etc... just telling the guy's friends that **** to get back at him for something, etc...
So I just feel as if I shared my life with her, yet she did not share her true feelings with me or her body.
---------
Men are with feelings like women are with sex. God forbid anyone knows they have them or they can share them. God forbid anyone knows they like to do so. Truth is, women like sex, and men like to talk, but oh boy, some of them would never admit to that. Sometimes not even to themselves, because it ruins their self-image. ('Omg, I shared feelings, omg, I must not be manly enough, omg, I should never ever do that again') That's also the reason why, if a man would like to talk, he'll do that with a woman! Who already is very comfortable with talking about feelings, because she's been taught it's proper for her to have feelings and share them. If doing that with a man, he'd somehow feel ashamed and less of a man to show he has feelings. But, for doing that with a woman (showing weakness), they expect her to show weakness too (by having sex, because that's what makes her vulnerable).When she doesn't do that, they feel hurt (I was vulnerable for you and you don't wanna be vulnerable for me, I felt intimate enough with you to share feelings, but you don't feel intimate enough with me to have sex).
Yes, as I said. Sharing feelings makes you feel weak. Whereas the woman giving you sex makes her feel weak. Hence you're in control and she is the vulnerable one. But this control thing you people have is just an illusion really. It's you thinking there are lower chances of getting your feelings hurt (which again proves men have feelings ). That translates into fear. And fear won't get your far in life. I'm not the one to judge, I'm a complete scardy cat in some situations.
Great thoughts... all of that really makes so much sense!
Remember Mr. Cat's post...the one with the nice guys you answered to? You've answered your own question partially. You were nice, polite, didn't tell her to her face that you want sex. Hypothetically, that would have made her think you have a hidden agenda. So, as long as you were hiding something, she could have gone ahead and tried to stall for as long as she could, testing you out and seeing if you only want her for sex. Seeing as she might have grown fond of you after sharing feelings, she might have, herself, tried to not get hurt and loose you. She might have thought that you might leave as soon as she puts out, because you got what you wanted. Now that you stoped talking to her, she'll probably think 'that a-hole...he only wanted sex'. Tadaaa ! Not feeling in control also probably made you act like you're shy and don't know what you really want and how to approach her
actually, i made it pretty clear that I wanted more.... so I didn't have some hidden agenda... with her it was always, "just not right now, maybe when we get to know each other better.. etc, etc.. " ,
yea, and I think she was the one that was trying so hard not to get hurt. (and I do believe she told me she didn't want to be hurt, that's why she wanted to take things slow... IF ONLY I KNEW THEN , what I know now....I would have stayed away or gone a lot slower emotionally with her)
I mean, I put myself out there for her, made myself vulnerable, gave her my time and attention, and she held her guard the whole time..just b.c she didn't want to take a chance of getting hurt.. Can't say I blame her, since after her I have been doing the same thing....... Ironic huh?
Sorry for the long post, and small traces of irony. This is strictly my opinion and I might not be right.
Very good post, I think you are right! Unless stuff that makes so much sense could be wrong? Doubt it!
Yes, it is ironic. Glad my post helped you in one way or another. I too wish you'd have seen this earlier. I personally am starting to feel immensely pissed with all these defensive mechanisms and fear we all seem to have, specially after for a year my marriage has gone downhill because we were both afraid we didn't want eachother. Yet neither of us said anything. After a year, he was convinced i didn't want him, I was convinced he didn't want me Fun eh?
Guess the only way to get things straight is for us to not be so freaking afraid of getting hurt. But how to make the person we're with feel the same way, is entirely another story.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Cool
Can't wait to see the response from all the hot-blooded (at least half of the population of "normal" red-blooded women) females out there!
.
