What do women think of "Loners" (husbands, kiss, feelings)

[WestCobb]

Originally Posted by solytaire

Thanks man..btw..I dont advocate that being a loner is for everyone. I have ALWAYS said that: "If everyone were like me, nothing would get accomplished...everyone would remain in their own little world and, no one would initiate relationships with others except when absolutely necessary."...lol

So I dont think that being a loner is superior to being sociable. I think being a GOOD socializer is quite a skill, and takes a real measure of genuiness that most people frankly lack. By the same token, I dont think the converse is necessarily true either: That being that being extremely sociable is intrinsically better than being a loner.

Ok, here's how I really see loners, the good ones. I take a long view of human history. I imagine about 100,000 years ago, I would be standing around in a group of men (and a couple of fierce women) talking about how we were going to kill a mammoth. We'd be strategizing, rehearsing .. hashing out ideas. A couple of the dudes would be standing off all by themselves. Some of the guys would resent this. They'd think .. these jerks, they need to be doing their part for this tribe and coming over here and talking about this s*** if they want to eat tonight! But ... after a few hours of some game planning, the loners might be like ... "hey, here's what I think we should do." And then they speak, and it's brilliant. It's like ... whoa, that's what ties the whole thing together. The loners do this because they have been thoughtfully reflecting the whole time that we have been running our mouths.

So loners have a definite place in human society. We couldn't have gotten to where we are as a species without their very valuable input, I'm sure. I have no troubles with loners. I just like to let them know now and then, if they ever do get that rare urge to socialize, that's awesome. I always have room for more seats at my table for cool loners who finally want to express some of those lofty ideas and subtle emotions that have been germinating inside of them.

[solytaire]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

Ok, here's how I really see loners, the good ones. I take a long view of human history. I imagine about 100,000 years ago, I would be standing around in a group of men (and a couple of fierce women) talking about how we were going to kill a mammoth. We'd be strategizing, rehearsing .. hashing out ideas. A couple of the dudes would be standing off all by themselves. Some of the guys would resent this. They'd think .. these jerks, they need to be doing their part for this tribe and coming over here and talking about this s*** if they want to eat tonight! But ... after a few hours of some game planning, the loners might be like ... "hey, here's what I think we should do." And then they speak, and it's brilliant. It's like ... whoa, that's what ties the whole thing together. The loners do this because they have been thoughtfully reflecting the whole time that we have been running our mouths.

So loners have a definite place in human society. We couldn't have gotten to where we are as a species without their very valuable input, I'm sure. I have no troubles with loners. I just like to let them know now and then, if they ever do get that rare urge to socialize, that's awesome. I always have room for more seats at my table for cool loners who finally want to express some of those lofty ideas and subtle emotions that have been germinating inside of them.

You know what's weird...I remember in school when other people would pick on the disabled kid or the unwealthy kid...or when those kids would reach out, they would be mean to him/her for no reason at all. I remember those less fortunate individuals would speak to me, and I never felt compelled to disparage them because of their lower status in the school's social hierarchy. I wasnt trying to win an award for being the nicest guy around (because I didnt stick up for them when they were being taunted, either...lol). But I never understood the rationale behind ostracizing someone simply because everyone else ostracized that person. So I would speak, and be polite to anyone.

Although I was a loner, I never had the problem of being picked on or being taunted fore being a loner because for 1) I was a jock, and 2) I have always had pretty good height/size..and 3) I never taunted or gossiped about anyone. But it just struck me as strange how all these people who seemed to be very friendly towards one another, could be so antisocial towards those who were 'different', so to speak.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by tijlover

I really think socializers secretly envy us loners.

I have two co-workers who will never go outside to smoke, unless they're with someone. Always asking: When are you going out to smoke, I'll go with. It's like they become panic-stricken at the thought of doing anything alone. And once outside, talk-talk-talk-talk, I end up being a sounding board. I feel nothing but compassion for these type of people.

I do, too. That's pathetic! They'd rather NOT do something they want to do unless there's somebody else to drag along... To me what I wanna do comes first! Many times I'd rather do it alone. Even if I'd rather have company, I'd still prefer doing what I feel like to alone as opposed to doing what I don't wanna do with somebody else...

[WestCobb]

You seem like a really good dude, soly. I do think I have somewhat of an understanding for why the "weak" or "alone" person is scary and threatening to the pack ... it has to do with our biology.

We have an ingrained instinct to weed out the "dead weight" so we can survive as a herd ... cruel? Yes. Necessary for survival? Yes (at least it was up until fairly recently). Cool? No. I think in many ways what we think of as civilization and civilized values were built by people like you ... strong men who simply had to respected (the proof is in the pudding) who had a counter, perhaps less dominant heriditary trait in the genes, that made you less suspectible to the herd mentality.

Rather than responding to this inner strenght as Nietschze thought they should (I know this is all kind of heady, but it's late here in Kuwait and I'm feeling yarn-y) as Masters or Overmen who asserted their will on the herd, some of them (Socrates, Christ and Buddha jump to mind) used that ability to stand apart to find value in those others saw as trash. Is this person disabled? Not valuable to the hunt? Ok .. does this person have some other value, perhaps? (A Stephen Hawking, for example .. imagine how foolish one would have to be to leave a Stephen Hawking baby to die because he thought it wouldn't contribute to the tribe .. lol .. shaking my head at the thought of it.)

Ok .. too much, too late. I have a pretty good handle on who I am, and I feel no shame in saying that the herd instinct is pretty strong in me. I know that's not cool in Western society where we're all supposed to be individuals, but I kind of like being a member of the pack. Even though I'm fairly smart in a bookish kind of way, I still love being the Army .. with the pack, that's where I feel comfortable.

Good that we have folks like you though who stand apart. It takes all kinds, as they say.

Originally Posted by solytaire

You know what's weird...I remember in school when other people would pick on the disabled kid or the unwealthy kid...or when those kids would reach out, they would be mean to him/her for no reason at all. I remember those less fortunate individuals would speak to me, and I never felt compelled to disparage them because of their lower status in the school's social hierarchy. I wasnt trying to win an award for being the nicest guy around (because I didnt stick up for them when they were being taunted, either...lol). But I never understood the rationale behind ostracizing someone simply because everyone else ostracized that person. So I would speak, and be polite to anyone.

Although I was a loner, I never had the problem of being picked on or being taunted fore being a loner because for 1) I was a jock, and 2) I have always had pretty good height/size..and 3) I never taunted or gossiped about anyone. But it just struck me as strange how all these people who seemed to be very friendly towards one another, could be so antisocial towards those who were 'different', so to speak.

[tijlover]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

You know, some days I think loners secretly envy us socializers. It's so funny when I happen to catch the guy I work next to on the smoke deck. (He's a big time loner.) He gets this panic stricken look in his eye because he knows I'm going to come over and chat with him. And I don't dissapoint him. I march right over and start yaking. I don't do this for me. I do it for him. I happen to believe human contact, or contact with your own kind, is essential to good emotional health. It's like eating vegtables. You can live without doing it, but you're going to be sick a lot more often and die a lot sooner than you would if you'd just do the right thing for yourself. Yes, I really do believe that. (I know I sound terribly full of myself to loners right now.)

That guy on the smoke deck probably gets panic stricken because he's going to end up being your sounding board, putting him in a very uncomfortable, painful position. The time I go out with the smokers, they monopolize the conversation and I can't get a word in edgewise. Our lives are totally different than the socializers. If I do try to start a new conversation thread, they simply can't relate to it, it's too deep for them, too intellectual, too foreign to their lives. And these coworkers I work with are all workaholics.

Why are they workaholics? Because they can't stand spending time alone, so they work for the socializing aspects. At home they'd be talking to the walls or abusing people on the phone who will take the time to chat with them.

All the times I've joined these people for a smoke, 80% of their converstions whirl around work-related matters. When I go out the sliding glass doors to the smoking patio, that's the very last thing I wish to talk about: work.

I'm a very observant person. I can sit on the sidelines and pick up on the discomfort/stress levels of those participating, patiently listening to some conversational monopolizer, just waiting for a chance to speak. Whew! I would hate to go through all that stress! Listening to all that garbage spewing out of someone's mouth!

I believe, just the opposite, loners will outlive the socializers. A lot less stress. But when in company with another trusted loner, it can be talk-talk-talk-talk, no end to our conversations, sheer pleasures.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by tijlover

Why are they workaholics? Because they can't stand spending time alone, so they work for the socializing aspects.

You're not gonna believe what I saw once! I think it was on one of those wife swapping shows. The other family either didn't have kids or the kids left for school or something (must've been gone temporarily as they always have kids, I believe) and this crazy lady cut cardboard figures and placed them on the chairs around the table and started talking to them! I kid ya not!

[misplaced1]

Originally Posted by ManGoneADreamin

What do women think of men that like to be on there own and do their own thing?


Would you even date or start a relationship with someone who doesn't have any close friends?



Would you date a "new guy" in town, that is a loner but also wants to meet some people?


How much importance do women put on a man's social surroundings?

Not in the dating scene but unless someone was odd and a loner I wouldn't care. I prefer people who are genuine and thoughtful and one who doesn't have to be in the middle of everything social to fill a need.

[solytaire]

You know, Dr. Laura had an interesting theory that I disagree with. She thinks loners are actually very selfish people...Says that they're all about "me, me, me, me, and how others make me feel"....and that people who are outgoing are less selfish because they want to know how others feel..

This of course I think is hogwash because in the end, we are all essentially selfish out of necessity...and even some extroverts sometimes are only selflessly polite because of their own selfish desire to have a feeling of being charitable and friendly...

but I do think that if you're not careful being an introvert/loner can turn you cynical...I know that Ive been accused by many a female of being cynical and pessimistic...of course I always replied that "no, no, no..Im just a realist"...which is true. I am a realist in many ways...because I think that sometimes observing other people's interactions from afar can give you a pretty good vantage point to see what kind of person they really are. But I will admit that generally, I rarely tend to view other people in a positive light.

[SeaOfGrass]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

You know, some days I think loners secretly envy us socializers. It's so funny when I happen to catch the guy I work next to on the smoke deck. (He's a big time loner.) He gets this panic stricken look in his eye because he knows I'm going to come over and chat with him. And I don't dissapoint him. I march right over and start yaking. I don't do this for me. I do it for him. I happen to believe human contact, or contact with your own kind, is essential to good emotional health. It's like eating vegtables. You can live without doing it, but you're going to be sick a lot more often and die a lot sooner than you would if you'd just do the right thing for yourself. Yes, I really do believe that. (I know I sound terribly full of myself to loners right now.) Sorry .. don't mean to beat up on you loners .. just a friendly neighborhood reminder .. get out more you!

See, that's the thing. We are happy to be alone! Getting out more does not make us happy. I need to get out less! Although I agree with you that spending your whole life completely alone probably wouldn't be too good for you.

The only way I envy socializers is because they don't have to explain their actions all the time!

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by solytaire

but I do think that if you're not careful being an introvert/loner can turn you cynical...I know that Ive been accused by many a female of being cynical and pessimistic...of course I always replied that "no, no, no..Im just a realist"...which is true. I am a realist in many ways...because I think that sometimes observing other people's interactions from afar can give you a pretty good vantage point to see what kind of person they really are. But I will admit that generally, I rarely tend to view other people in a positive light.

When I want to get perky bubbly cheerleaders off my hair I tell them I'm an "informed optimist"!