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Unread 11-04-2009, 11:25 AM
 
27 posts, read 3,282 times
Reputation: 30
Default Friend wants to reconcile after I blew up at him for countless ditching for months at a time, what to do?

Well my friend who I have known for 9+ years got a girlfriend about a year ago, and he is unhealthily whipped. I have a girlfriend too, so please don't tell me I'm jealous or or don't understand something- I still make plenty of time to hang with my guys, and have not gotten any complaints from my friends. Anyways, he literally hangs with this girl seven days a week, every weekend, and will be available one weekend out of every two months to hang with the guys. Whats messed up is he will be like "oh yeah, this weekend it's on, were hittin the parties", then come friday he will be like "yeah gotta go to the girl's, sorry man, we'll hang on saturday though". Then he will ignore my and everyone elses calls all through the entire weekend, claim he "accidentally" left his phone at his house. Then he will call on the like one weekend out of some two months to talk about how he is lonely and bored, and expects to drop everything I'm doing to go chill with him cause he is not with his girlfriend. I was basically being taken foregranted as a friend, and used as a second string to keep him occupied when he is not with his girlfriend. So after being treated like dirt for almost a whole year and trying to talk to him and be patient with him, I finally said screw it and let him go, and have been happy the last couple weeks to have that burden of dissapointment and extra baggage with my friend off my sholder. I would try talking to him before, and he would say all this stuff like "well my relationship is different then yours and you don't undwerstand" yadda yadda yadda, and makes up lame excuses ans waonstantly in complete denial about his whipped situation. Well, his relationship is still doing OK, but its starting to hit some bumps now, and more of his friends are starting to leave him recently cause of all this BS with his girl. Well, go figure, now he wants to reconcile, but I don't. I feel like it will all be in vein, as I've tried to talk to him before and be patient, with no results and only more hostility. Now I'm being pressured by another friend to do it as well, and I really don't want to. I already gave him so many chances, more than one should when being treated like that, and I'm sick of it. I have a feeling if we reconcile, he will start ditching me again also. He took our friendship foregranted, so I said I had enough, and now I feel like I'm being grilled for it. I have too much respect for myself to let myself be treated like that. But anyways, what do you all think I should do? Would I be a huge a** if I didn't reconcile? I don't see why I should feel bad for him, as he didn't seem to feel bad for me when he left me hangin all those weekends for months at a time. But should I make up with him or not? I don't know what to do, any help would be appreciated. To be honest I don't want to, but what would be the right thing to do (without turning myself into a total pushover)? Thanks alot.
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Unread 11-04-2009, 02:41 PM
 
Location: in the good ol' South
865 posts, read 1,221,224 times
Reputation: 840
First of all, please write in paragraphs, b/c it's really hard to follow your story when it's one big blob on the page. I don't know how many people just won't read this post b/c it's too hard on the eyes.

That said, I can understand why you don't want to reconcile. You've been burned once by him, who's to say that he won't do it again, when the next girl comes around? Ultimately, it depends on if he is truly sorry for his behavior, then maybe you can find it to forgive him, and you can be friends again.

He burned some bridges. He has a lot of repair work to do. If you do value the friendship that you had, you may want to talk to him about why you are reluctant to be buddies now. He may not realize/understand that just like relationships with girls, relationships with your friends need to be tended, honored, and cherished too. B/c if not, the friendship will die, which is what has happened for you. If he understands how you feel about this, then maybe he will go the extra step to make amends, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Good luck!
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Unread 11-04-2009, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,274 posts, read 12,979,699 times
Reputation: 21504
You just talk to him and tell him how you feel.
Communication does *wonders.*
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Unread 11-04-2009, 03:17 PM
 
6,883 posts, read 7,322,519 times
Reputation: 5492
Quote:
Originally Posted by dgfurman View Post
First of all, please write in paragraphs, b/c it's really hard to follow your story when it's one big blob on the page. I don't know how many people just won't read this post b/c it's too hard on the eyes.

That said, I can understand why you don't want to reconcile. You've been burned once by him, who's to say that he won't do it again, when the next girl comes around? Ultimately, it depends on if he is truly sorry for his behavior, then maybe you can find it to forgive him, and you can be friends again.

He burned some bridges. He has a lot of repair work to do. If you do value the friendship that you had, you may want to talk to him about why you are reluctant to be buddies now. He may not realize/understand that just like relationships with girls, relationships with your friends need to be tended, honored, and cherished too. B/c if not, the friendship will die, which is what has happened for you. If he understands how you feel about this, then maybe he will go the extra step to make amends, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Good luck!
I agree. First, I agree that you should've edited your original post to be more readable. Second, I agree that relationships of any kind take work. I've been in your situation where a friend took me for granted. I'm a big believer in second (even third) chances. But after a while, if the person hasn't changed their behavior, then it's best to move on be done with them. In your case, you gave this person plenty of chances. If the friendship with you really mattered to him, he wouldn't have been so neglectful, especially after being given so many chances to change. Make it clear to this person why you're no longer interested, how you gave him multiple opportunities to be a better friend and how he failed at it. Maybe he'll learn what happens when you take friends for granted.
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Unread 11-04-2009, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
1,571 posts, read 3,099,146 times
Reputation: 1294
Very difficult to read the OP - but maybe I got the basics

This happens with a lot of young women, too. They get a boyfriend and ditch all their friends. When boyfriend goes away - they are back. We all understand everyone wants to spend time with a SO (boyfriend or girlfriend) but a good life takes balance. This is no way to treat a friend.

Frankly, I'd pass on this friend. Chances are, he will do it again with the next girlfriend. I don't know that I'd go into a "never see you" mode but I really wouldn't go out of my way for this guy.
Best wishes
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Unread 11-04-2009, 04:11 PM
 
1,592 posts, read 1,734,945 times
Reputation: 1110
His being "whipped" is a sign of deep insecurity. I am guessing he has abandonment issues -- was he abandoned as a child?

He needs to learn to be independant and spend time on his own. He especially needs to develop his work skills and talents. He needs to do this NOW. The way things are going, he is headed for trouble if he gets married b/c the girl is going to disrespect him. The marriage may last, but it will be a master and servant (her being the master) type relationship.

Bottomline, he needs to get a life. Sounds like his identity is totally wrapped up in his girlfriend.

You will do your friend a HUGE favor if you tell him exactly how you feel. Some people are lousy at reading between the lines.
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Unread 11-04-2009, 04:22 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
6,765 posts, read 6,883,450 times
Reputation: 6267
you could start by using paragraphs.
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Unread 11-04-2009, 11:14 PM
 
Location: New York, NY
1,406 posts, read 1,158,226 times
Reputation: 1764
He's co dependent. Drop him.
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Unread 11-05-2009, 12:54 AM
 
1,323 posts, read 1,238,434 times
Reputation: 1432
I agree with this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
You just talk to him and tell him how you feel.
Communication does *wonders.*
and this..

Quote:
Originally Posted by MMichelle View Post
Very difficult to read the OP - but maybe I got the basics

This happens with a lot of young women, too. They get a boyfriend and ditch all their friends. When boyfriend goes away - they are back. We all understand everyone wants to spend time with a SO (boyfriend or girlfriend) but a good life takes balance. This is no way to treat a friend.

Frankly, I'd pass on this friend. Chances are, he will do it again with the next girlfriend. I don't know that I'd go into a "never see you" mode but I really wouldn't go out of my way for this guy.
Best wishes
and most certainly this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sophialee View Post
you could start by using paragraphs.

What you're going through is a part of life called "Growing Up". Once all the parties and all that other bs starts to get old, people move on. It sounds like this dude is really in the middle of both worlds - he still wants to party, but he want's to have a long term devoted relationship to. Problem is, he doesn't know how to handle both at the same time.

As for where you're at, you just want to enjoy life with a few good friends. That's really all that matters. My suggestion is this - stay friends with the people who are true to you, and forget about the rest of those flaky bastards.

I wish ya well..
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Unread 11-05-2009, 01:22 AM
 
Location: far away in Europe
109 posts, read 168,184 times
Reputation: 76
No reason for which you should do any different than you feel. As long as you stay civilized - not swear or aggress him - while you explain your reasons you'll be ok.

Moreover, nowhere do you state that you miss him and the 'friendship' that you had - probably because you don't.
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