Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I had two kids very young, it's now that I'm nearly 40 and even though we did plan the kids, and I did want to have them young, I know for myself if I had waited until my 30's to have kids, I may have changed my mind. It's a HUGE deal to make that decision to have children, they are a blessing but, they are a lot of work for a lot of years, they completely change the dynamic of your life and you have to be a very UNselfish person to have children and give up a lot for them. I love my kids more than life but I was happy when they reached adulthood so that I could begin phase 2 of my life LOL
IMO, I see people all the time (professionally) that shouldn't have had children. Unfortunately, I think our society sets people up for certain expectations and having children is one of them. Most people feel like it is apart of the life process. Having children is truly a personal decision.
We don't have children...not because we can't or that we hate children, it's b/c we recognize that we have other interests in life and aren't afraid to admit we like our time together, not being stressed out financially and our freedoms to come and go, pick up and move, etc. We are fulfilled by our nieces, nephews and friends' children. We enjoy knowing we are the fun ones and not the disciplinarians (lol)!
Do what is right for both of you and do not let others pressure you into having children. There are many people who do not have children out of personal choice. I think it can be harder not to have children b/c of the fear of judgement from those around us. You just need to get to the point in your life that you don't care what other people think and focus on what matters most with you and your partner!
Last edited by Amazonchix; 11-05-2009 at 08:37 AM..
My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years. We're both in our early 30's. My husband is ready for kids and has been for years. I'm still not ready. People will ask me how long I've been married and I tell them over 5 years, and then they always say, "do you have kids?" and when I say no I get a weird look. Relatives are always asking when we're going to have kids and are surprised when I tell them I'm not ready yet. Even after being married this long I'm still not ready. I feel like I might be ready in another 5 years.
I guess my main reason is that I don't feel like I've had a chance to spend enough quality time with my husband. He's always working, and I don't see him nearly as much as I would like. I am very lonely. I feel like I need more quality time together as a married couple before having a child. Any thoughts?
I think you need to address your loneliness issue first, and any other issues you might be having with your spouse and your marriage. One of the reasons you may not feel ready (although anyone can tell you that you don't ever really feel "ready" for children), is that you feel slightly shaky in your marriage.
As I said, you don't ever really feel completely "ready" for kids, this is a decision that you consiously make: I want to start a family.
However, the marriage needs to be stable and strong like a rock, because children bring even more stress to the relationship.
There's lots of great advice here. Don't do anything until YOU feel ready.
My husband and I didn't start having kids until we were married 12 years. We didn't really plan it that way, we thought we'd probably start a family after about 5 years of marriage, but we ended up waiting a while anyway. We got married in our early-mid 20s and we wanted to explore the country a bit and build up our careers (and pay off our student loans!) before we took the MAJOR, life-altering step of becoming parents. I'm not saying waiting that long works for everyone, but it has worked out well for us. Our girls are 9 and 11 now, and the center of our lives in many ways, and we were ready to dedicate ourselves to them without completely giving up ourselves at the same time.
Good luck in your decision! I think you have plenty of time.
I think you need to address your loneliness issue first, and any other issues you might be having with your spouse and your marriage. One of the reasons you may not feel ready (although anyone can tell you that you don't ever really feel "ready" for children), is that you feel slightly shaky in your marriage.
Thanks everyone for your responses! I'm not sure I can do much to address the loneliness issue though. My husband's job is very high-powered and requires these long hours. There is no way he is willing to cut back. We've discussed this many times. I have voiced my concerns that I am lonely and don't get to spend the kind of quality time that I want with him. What makes it worse is that on top of work he has some other things (charity work) that he devotes a lot of time to. So I am longing for his attention and he is just way more busy than me. I just have a regular full-time job and he is basically working the equivalent of two full-time jobs. Talking with him about my need for more attention has not resulted in more attention. I'm not sure what else I can do, since I bring this up all the time. Otherwise our relationship is great. When we do spend time together we have a lot of fun. It's just that I need more attention.
Anyhow, in terms of having kids, I guess I often feel very different from other women my age. Like at work--everyone there is around my age, married, and has kids. At lunch when we sit together they are talking about their kids and I don't have much to say. It's just not in my realm of experience right now. I don't know how they do it--I am in awe of their ability to juggle everything, because they seem to do it well.
Quite honestly, being married but not having kids makes me feel immature, and I feel like that's also how others perceive me. I feel very immature compared to the women who I work with--they seem so experienced and so skilled at making it all "work," whereas I feel that I routinely drop the ball. They are juggling full-time jobs, husbands, houses, and kids and seem to make it work really well. I just have work and my husband and feel like I am not able to make just that "work." We rent and I don't do a very good job at cooking and cleaning, so I look at these women who are juggling all these aspects of adult life and it makes me feel more like a college kid.
They seem like they really have it all together, and I feel like I'm still stuck in the post-college "finding myself" phase sometimes.
Thanks everyone for your responses! I'm not sure I can do much to address the loneliness issue though. My husband's job is very high-powered and requires these long hours. There is no way he is willing to cut back. We've discussed this many times. I have voiced my concerns that I am lonely and don't get to spend the kind of quality time that I want with him. What makes it worse is that on top of work he has some other things (charity work) that he devotes a lot of time to. So I am longing for his attention and he is just way more busy than me. I just have a regular full-time job and he is basically working the equivalent of two full-time jobs. Talking with him about my need for more attention has not resulted in more attention. I'm not sure what else I can do, since I bring this up all the time. Otherwise our relationship is great. When we do spend time together we have a lot of fun. It's just that I need more attention.
Anyhow, in terms of having kids, I guess I often feel very different from other women my age. Like at work--everyone there is around my age, married, and has kids. At lunch when we sit together they are talking about their kids and I don't have much to say. It's just not in my realm of experience right now. I don't know how they do it--I am in awe of their ability to juggle everything, because they seem to do it well.
Quite honestly, being married but not having kids makes me feel immature, and I feel like that's also how others perceive me. I feel very immature compared to the women who I work with--they seem so experienced and so skilled at making it all "work," whereas I feel that I routinely drop the ball. They are juggling full-time jobs, husbands, houses, and kids and seem to make it work really well. I just have work and my husband and feel like I am not able to make just that "work." We rent and I don't do a very good job at cooking and cleaning, so I look at these women who are juggling all these aspects of adult life and it makes me feel more like a college kid.
They seem like they really have it all together, and I feel like I'm still stuck in the post-college "finding myself" phase sometimes.
I know these families seem perfect to you, but I bet there's A LOT you won't ever see...
Even a seemingly perfect family always has a few secrets.
Sounds like you need to stop hanging around these women. Hang around with positive single women with no kids who can give you positive feedback and show you ways to be on your own and be happy. I know you probably thought marriage was supposed to take away loneliness but unfortunately, until you and your husband sit down and negotiate a way in which he can spend more time with you and not put his career ahead of his marriage, then you will feel alone and be alone.
But who we keep as company either makes us feel GOOD or BAD. These women are making you feel bad. So move on and make new friends. There are people out there who are engaged in interesting activities and fulfilling themselves. You can do the same. You do not need to wait for your husband to show up. You show up for yourself.
We have to create our own happiness. It does not come from someone else, even if you ARE married to Mr. or Ms. Right.
1. Communication with your husband regarding the situation and your feelings. If this fails, enlist a 3rd party, i.e. counselor or therapist.
2. Do not blame him or yourself. Just do what is positive.
3. Seek other friends and make new friends who do not make you feel bad, but make you feel worthy and wonderful.
4. Never conform. There are PLENTY of women who are not having kids because they are "finding" themselves. And they discover that that is a lifelong journey! And fascinating too.
5. You are unique, like your fingerprint. So too is your life. Don't be a cookie-cutter woman!
Thanks everyone for your responses! I'm not sure I can do much to address the loneliness issue though. My husband's job is very high-powered and requires these long hours. There is no way he is willing to cut back. We've discussed this many times. I have voiced my concerns that I am lonely and don't get to spend the kind of quality time that I want with him. What makes it worse is that on top of work he has some other things (charity work) that he devotes a lot of time to. So I am longing for his attention and he is just way more busy than me. I just have a regular full-time job and he is basically working the equivalent of two full-time jobs. Talking with him about my need for more attention has not resulted in more attention. I'm not sure what else I can do, since I bring this up all the time. Otherwise our relationship is great. When we do spend time together we have a lot of fun. It's just that I need more attention.
Anyhow, in terms of having kids, I guess I often feel very different from other women my age. Like at work--everyone there is around my age, married, and has kids. At lunch when we sit together they are talking about their kids and I don't have much to say. It's just not in my realm of experience right now. I don't know how they do it--I am in awe of their ability to juggle everything, because they seem to do it well.
Quite honestly, being married but not having kids makes me feel immature, and I feel like that's also how others perceive me. I feel very immature compared to the women who I work with--they seem so experienced and so skilled at making it all "work," whereas I feel that I routinely drop the ball. They are juggling full-time jobs, husbands, houses, and kids and seem to make it work really well. I just have work and my husband and feel like I am not able to make just that "work." We rent and I don't do a very good job at cooking and cleaning, so I look at these women who are juggling all these aspects of adult life and it makes me feel more like a college kid.
They seem like they really have it all together, and I feel like I'm still stuck in the post-college "finding myself" phase sometimes.
I think your husband isn't really ready so you can disregard anything he's said about being ready. He won't comprimise for you and kids require 100% comprimise.
As for the ladies at work, they'll never tell you the unflattering truth. It sounds like a circle of women trying to outbrag each other. How else could you explain the lack of negative stories? I know women like that at my job who spend their time bragging to each other then cutting each other behind their backs because they're not nearly as confident and content as they pretend.
Thanks everyone for your responses! I'm not sure I can do much to address the loneliness issue though. My husband's job is very high-powered and requires these long hours. There is no way he is willing to cut back. We've discussed this many times. I have voiced my concerns that I am lonely and don't get to spend the kind of quality time that I want with him. What makes it worse is that on top of work he has some other things (charity work) that he devotes a lot of time to. So I am longing for his attention and he is just way more busy than me. I just have a regular full-time job and he is basically working the equivalent of two full-time jobs. Talking with him about my need for more attention has not resulted in more attention. I'm not sure what else I can do, since I bring this up all the time. Otherwise our relationship is great. When we do spend time together we have a lot of fun. It's just that I need more attention.
I don't want to sound like a negative downer, but this is a big problem. You are reaching out to him, screaming for his attention and he is not doing anything to compromise and improve it. This dude only "says" he is ready, but he doesn't seem ready to me. Children require a lot of work and help from the spouse, if you don't have enough of him now, you sure will miss him even more with a screaming infant in your arms.
Doesn't sound like a good situation to me. I'm sorry. Something needs to change.
Quote:
Anyhow, in terms of having kids, I guess I often feel very different from other women my age. Like at work--everyone there is around my age, married, and has kids. At lunch when we sit together they are talking about their kids and I don't have much to say. It's just not in my realm of experience right now. I don't know how they do it--I am in awe of their ability to juggle everything, because they seem to do it well.
Quote:
Quite honestly, being married but not having kids makes me feel immature, and I feel like that's also how others perceive me. I feel very immature compared to the women who I work with--they seem so experienced and so skilled at making it all "work," whereas I feel that I routinely drop the ball. They are juggling full-time jobs, husbands, houses, and kids and seem to make it work really well. I just have work and my husband and feel like I am not able to make just that "work." We rent and I don't do a very good job at cooking and cleaning, so I look at these women who are juggling all these aspects of adult life and it makes me feel more like a college kid.
They seem like they really have it all together, and I feel like I'm still stuck in the post-college "finding myself" phase sometimes.
How do you know they are judging? Did they do or say something to make you feel judged? Trust me: juggling kids/career/marriage is not really glamourous and most women will not admit as to how difficult it is. We never know what's going on behind closed doors, trust me. For what you know, those same women could be insanely jealous of YOU that you have more freedom and more time to do things that you like to do. Some married couples don't ever want to have kids. Sounds like your reasonings for having kids are not the right ones. Who cares what anyone does? Screw them. Worry about yourself.
You really don't know what is going on in people's lives. My husband and I had been through some serious **** together and it's purely because we love each other so damn much and fully committed to make it work is that we are still together, but for outsiders, it's all fine and dandy.
You mentioned that you don't feel successful in housework like cooking and cleaning. Guess what? When you have kids, and a job, you have less time to do any of those things. Use this time NOW to learn new recipes, and discipline yourself to keep the household, you will need those skills in the future.
Good luck to you!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We didn't really plan it that way, we thought we'd probably start a family after about 5 years of marriage, but we ended up waiting a while anyway. We got married in our early-mid 20s and we wanted to explore the country a bit and build up our careers (and pay off our student loans!) before we took the MAJOR, life-altering step of becoming parents. I'm not saying waiting that long works for everyone, but it has worked out well for us. Our girls are 9 and 11 now, and the center of our lives in many ways, and we were ready to dedicate ourselves to them without completely giving up ourselves at the same time.
Something needs to change. 
