17 year age gap has become a problem for me after 5 years of dating (friends, romantic)

[Buburuza 1313]

"If I didn't love him I wouldn't care less what he thought and I would just end it."

YOU LOVE HIM????good joke!I am sorry,i do not believe you love him.If you love somebody,you stay with him ,not only in good times,but also in bad times.If you love him,you stay with him,even if he changes physically.You do not think to leave soembody,who you love.All your words and thoughts have nothing to do with love,i am sorry.

You would just end it???oh come on!!you do not end it,because you love him!!you do not end it,because you are afraid you lose your standard of living,you will struggle alone financially and you could be replaced in this economy very fast. A man with a house and a car is very tempting in usa for many women,who are struggling finacially.he does not even need to be too rich nowadays.

[miu]

Originally Posted by Marylandkitten

You're trying to feel out how it will be 20 years from now into the future? lol -We could be all dead by 2012. Don't you watch the movies!
If you dated someone your own age, the chances that he could be hit by a car in the parkinglot drasticly increase. (younger men walk faster, and are prone to being less cautious) Bottom line, don't blame the unforeseeable future, no matter who you're with.

My best friend ever is getting married next summer. Everyone close to her knows she might not live more than another 2-3 years. Do you think the man who proposed to her is weighing the pros and cons for a stable relationship as well? Or is he thanking God for finding someone on this earth that he loves and cares for, and wants to be with for the rest of her life, if not for his.

He loves you. Dismiss it if you will for whatever reasons you come up with, but love is not easy to find.

I think you're psyching yourself out (sp?) about a lot of this. They may be well-founded reasons to worry, but hyping it up is only in defense for you trying to justify this.

There is no reason the two of you can't live happily ever after, just because he's older than you are. If you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, then don't. But don't try to cram it into a socialist label to fit your comfort to make you feel better. You said it in your original post, so I know you care for him as well.. imagine how he would feel.

His age is not anything he can control. And his age, is something you were well aware of when you first began dating. Justifiably, with this thought, you can no more blame yourself for some day breaking it off because "he just feels too old now for you" than you can blame a man for one day turning to his wife of 3 children and pull the "she just let herself go, and I'm not attracted to the woman she is now" anymore.

Ever seen "The Notebook"? Do you think whatshisname would have put that much effort into staying with the woman he loved, if he could fast-forward into her senior years and have any warning that she would have a mental degenerative disease that would pretty much render her handicapped and a vegetable? No.. they lived, they loved, they made a family. It's not what's at the end of the road that matters, it's all in how you get there.

I'm not advising you to stay with him. If you're not happy, something's wrong!
But I am advocating that you not look for ways to justify your reasonings, if you do indeed intend on putting the whole blame on the fact that he's just creepy old now.

Love is love. Plain and simple. I think if you truly loved him, you would not be margining out a laundry list of things to fit your defense when it comes time to "break the news". If this is the route you take, be a dear, and take it fast for his sake, because by keeping him hanging you're stopping him from finding the real love of his life, while he's busy loving you. Silly man.

Obviously the situation is that SecretlySad is just not into her relationship anymore. And the 17 year age gap is bothering her. So what? It really isn't a normal situation for most people. And just because he seems to love her unconditionally, but she doesn't love him the same way back is no reason to make her feel guilty. Of course her boyfriend should be cherishing her, he's damn lucky that he's been able to date a woman so much younger than he is. She's the one that's been doing him a favor by dating him.

And she was only 22 years old when she started dating him. I think that it's perfectly natural that five years later, she's grown out of the relationship. I feel that most people don't pick the right person to marry at the young age of 22 anyway.

As to her now thinking that he's too old to invest the rest of her life with, well that's a very logical observation. Why would she want to be a widow sooner than she has to be? As to her getting more critical about who she is in a relationship with and now deciding that a 17 year age gap is too much, it's not much different from someone dating a bad boy type or a cigarette smoker for their first boyfriend, and then for their later boyfriends deciding that they would be smarter to date a nice guy type or a non-smoker.

And when one is first crushing on their s/o, during that first 3-5 years of their relationship is that so-called honeymoon period where everything is seen through rose-coloured glasses. SecretlySad is now at the five year mark of their relationship and the rose-coloured glasses are off. Reality is setting in and her boyfriend now being 44 years old bothers her.

And honestly, true love isn't that rare, not with so many billions of people on this planet. So I think that there is no reason to scare SecretlySad by suggesting that she's throwing away the true love of her life by not marrying her current boyfriend. And I still stand by my advice for her to break up with him soon so both can move on. They are both of the age where finding new people to date is not a problem. And I suggest that both date people closer to their own age.

At 27 years old, I see no reason why SecretlySad needs to compromise what she wants in a husband. And I feel that her boyfriend is a nice man that will have no problems finding someone else to love. Again, I feel that he's known all along that this day would come. He can't be that naive about the reality of dating a 20 year old that is 17 years younger than he is.

Lastly, if we take the 17 year age gap out of this situation and SecretlySad was thinking of ending a 5 year relationship with a man her own age, I don't think that anyone here would be getting their panties in a bunch over this. It's normal for young adults to go through several relationships before finding the right person to marry. People fall in and out of love all of the time as their infatuations fade away. Not every relationship ends in marriage. There are no children involved, they weren't even engaged. So no harm, no foul imo.

BTW this thread reminds me of the one about whether or not a man out of work and without any money should be out looking for a girlfriend.

[Buburuza 1313]

"You know what? I have absolutely no idea"

this sentence,shows me,how mature you are.I would expect this from a 17,18,19 years old girl..with 27 years,going 30 you should be more mature!TIME TO GROW UP!

[miu]

Originally Posted by Buburuza 1313

"You know what? I have absolutely no idea"

this sentence,shows me,how mature you are.I would expect this from a 17,18,19 years old girl..with 27 years,going 30 you should be more mature!TIME TO GROW UP!

And she's come to her senses and chosen not to spend the rest of her life with a man so much older than she is. If she were my daughter, I would be relieved with her decision.

I don't understand why so many here are being so protective of her 44 year old boyfriend. He knew the risks in asking a 22 year old woman to date him when he was 39 years old. It was his last chance to date a 20 year old. I see no reason to pity him or make SecretlySad feel guilty for falling out of love with him. It's not as if she fell out of love with him for becoming a cripple or having Alzheimers. Her 44 year old boyfriend should have no problems dating women his own age. What's the big deal here?

As the older person in an age gap relationship, I've known the risks from day one of being in a relationship with someone so much younger than I am. And should it end, I will have no regrets. We've had six great years together. And if it all ends tomorrow or ten years from now, the memories will be well worth the time spent with him. And I know that I would be able to find love again after him. But I certainly will take no offense if he leaves me because I look too old and wrinkled to him and no longer appealing. I'm also never going to go the route of plastic surgery to try to look younger either.

[Hawk J]

Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes

Well, actually ... Cher's mother, Georgia Holt, is a neighbor of mine, in my neighborhood, here in the desert!!! Never seen Cher though.

I looked into Cher's eyes in Vegas.

She put on a Fantastic Show.

[SecretlySad]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

Did you ever think about pulling yourself together and telling him?

Thanks again for all your opinions, guys...

I only wish it was as easy as this, Antlered.

My boyfriend doesn't deal very well with the heavy stuff... if we get into an argument 99% of the time he will go and shut himself away in the bedroom instead of talking it out with me. He always "doesn't have time for this sh*t". I have lost count of the amount of times I have apologised to him when I believe I wasn't even in the wrong, just so he would start talking to me again. Once it went on for 2 days. 2 days of not speaking to someone you live with is harder than you think! I had even forgotten what it was I was supposed to have done wrong!

There have been times when I have come to him with relationship concerns, poured my heart out to him and at the end he has told me you either want to be with me, or you don't. No "we'll work on this together", no talking it over, no compromise, no plan, no ideas, nothing like that. He is very black and white when it comes to things like this - ironically enough he tells me he is too old for all the talking and bull sh*t. We have gotten into some major fights before but as soon as he starts yelling at me and pointing his finger in my face (it has only happened a few times when he was very angry..) I blubber like a baby and back down.

When things are wonderful between us they are like a dream, but when we fight, oh God I hate it. I become soooo upset. I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid it. Yes I will admit, when times are bad I am intimidated by him and very uncomfortable with being completely honest for fear of how he will react (nothing physical, but e.g. shutting down like he does). I know how unhealthy this is but I can't help it. I have spoken to him about it before and he basically told me that it is something I am going to have to overcome myself. He isn't willing to change anything for anyone and is very set in his ways - another negative when it comes to his age. I at 27 am still growing and figuring out what my ways are, whereas he has known his for years and isn't budging.

I am not blaming him - I have my problems too. Zero self esteem for one. I think it came from my dad but I won't go too much into detail there.. all of my issues make it very hard for me to confront people.

[Jays1983]

Well there is only one solution and one way to do it. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be.

[hothulamaui]

Originally Posted by SecretlySad

Thanks again for all your opinions, guys...

I only wish it was as easy as this, Antlered.

My boyfriend doesn't deal very well with the heavy stuff... if we get into an argument 99% of the time he will go and shut himself away in the bedroom instead of talking it out with me. He always "doesn't have time for this sh*t". I have lost count of the amount of times I have apologised to him when I believe I wasn't even in the wrong, just so he would start talking to me again. Once it went on for 2 days. 2 days of not speaking to someone you live with is harder than you think! I had even forgotten what it was I was supposed to have done wrong!

There have been times when I have come to him with relationship concerns, poured my heart out to him and at the end he has told me you either want to be with me, or you don't. No "we'll work on this together", no talking it over, no compromise, no plan, no ideas, nothing like that. He is very black and white when it comes to things like this - ironically enough he tells me he is too old for all the talking and bull sh*t. We have gotten into some major fights before but as soon as he starts yelling at me and pointing his finger in my face (it has only happened a few times when he was very angry..) I blubber like a baby and back down.

When things are wonderful between us they are like a dream, but when we fight, oh God I hate it. I become soooo upset. I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid it. Yes I will admit, when times are bad I am intimidated by him and very uncomfortable with being completely honest for fear of how he will react (nothing physical, but e.g. shutting down like he does). I know how unhealthy this is but I can't help it. I have spoken to him about it before and he basically told me that it is something I am going to have to overcome myself. He isn't willing to change anything for anyone and is very set in his ways - another negative when it comes to his age. I at 27 am still growing and figuring out what my ways are, whereas he has known his for years and isn't budging.

I am not blaming him - I have my problems too. Zero self esteem for one. I think it came from my dad but I won't go too much into detail there.. all of my issues make it very hard for me to confront people.

sounds like your relationship has a ton of problems the age gap is the least of them. your boyfriend is an ass to put it mildly. very selfish if he acts like a child and withdraws when you want to talk. if his only effort to your concerns is to tell you. "you either want to be with me or not" shows me a man who feels very confident that he has you where he wants you. he has set up your relationship to where you take what ever it is that he is willing to give and what little he does give you should be glad about it. "not wanting to talk about this sh*t" pointing hi finger in your face? the man is a spoiled brat. he is the lucky one to have a young woman on his arm. if he is so backward in his mentality that he does not know how to treat you right. nor wants to try then you should leave him. he has you so confused you are not even blaminf him for his part in your relationships problems. get your head together look at him from a 3rd party perspective. take out the emotion and you will see he has little to offer you.

[lionking]

Originally Posted by hothulamaui

sounds like your relationship has a ton of problems the age gap is the least of them. your boyfriend is an ass to put it mildly. very selfish if he acts like a child and withdraws when you want to talk. if his only effort to your concerns is to tell you. "you either want to be with me or not" shows me a man who feels very confident that he has you where he wants you. he has set up your relationship to where you take what ever it is that he is willing to give and what little he does give you should be glad about it. "not wanting to talk about this sh*t" pointing hi finger in your face? the man is a spoiled brat. he is the lucky one to have a young woman on his arm. if he is so backward in his mentality that he does not know how to treat you right. nor wants to try then you should leave him. he has you so confused you are not even blaminf him for his part in your relationships problems. get your head together look at him from a 3rd party perspective. take out the emotion and you will see he has little to offer you.

Yep with that last revelation he seems like it.

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

Originally Posted by SecretlySad

Thanks again for all your opinions, guys...

I only wish it was as easy as this, Antlered.

My boyfriend doesn't deal very well with the heavy stuff... if we get into an argument 99% of the time he will go and shut himself away in the bedroom instead of talking it out with me. He always "doesn't have time for this sh*t". I have lost count of the amount of times I have apologised to him when I believe I wasn't even in the wrong, just so he would start talking to me again. Once it went on for 2 days. 2 days of not speaking to someone you live with is harder than you think! I had even forgotten what it was I was supposed to have done wrong!

There have been times when I have come to him with relationship concerns, poured my heart out to him and at the end he has told me you either want to be with me, or you don't. No "we'll work on this together", no talking it over, no compromise, no plan, no ideas, nothing like that. He is very black and white when it comes to things like this - ironically enough he tells me he is too old for all the talking and bull sh*t. We have gotten into some major fights before but as soon as he starts yelling at me and pointing his finger in my face (it has only happened a few times when he was very angry..) I blubber like a baby and back down.

When things are wonderful between us they are like a dream, but when we fight, oh God I hate it. I become soooo upset. I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid it. Yes I will admit, when times are bad I am intimidated by him and very uncomfortable with being completely honest for fear of how he will react (nothing physical, but e.g. shutting down like he does). I know how unhealthy this is but I can't help it. I have spoken to him about it before and he basically told me that it is something I am going to have to overcome myself. He isn't willing to change anything for anyone and is very set in his ways - another negative when it comes to his age. I at 27 am still growing and figuring out what my ways are, whereas he has known his for years and isn't budging.

I am not blaming him - I have my problems too. Zero self esteem for one. I think it came from my dad but I won't go too much into detail there.. all of my issues make it very hard for me to confront people.

Lady, I'm gonna have to incite/enrage you into leaving this man.

All of what you said is making me think he is the "daddy" figure in the house. He's babying you and in the process is manipulating you. And he constantly makes you think it's always your fault and how he is the know-all in the house.

Are you even in the US or outside, somewhere in Europe or England, like some poster point out before, on the metric system thing.

You "must" leave this man before it's too late. Like Jay said above, this is pushing you deeper into the hole.