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The real problem that the OP has is that she lives with him at his place, so she has the added fear that he'll react negatively and throw her out, a fear indeed.
Yes I will definitely admit although not the main problem, this is a concern of mine...
He is a genuinely wonderful person but he has a tendancy to become a little Mr Hyde-ish when he is hurt or crossed. He has told me people have been so shocked in the past when he has blown up at them because he is always such a happy, friendly person.
I remember when one of his friends and his ex broke up, when she came back to their house to collect all her stuff, his friend said she couldn't come in because he had a girl upstairs - which he of course didn't, he was just being nasty to hurt her as she had hurt him when she ended their relationship. We had a massive argument over this - I thought that was a childish, horrible thing to do, and my boyfriend thought it was totally justified. He can be similar to this.
When he broke up with HIS ex, he said he just wanted her to get the f out of there, and wasn't making life very easy for her when she was in the process of looking for a new home. I guess these things have scared me a little.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marylandkitten
Don't use your worry about the future as your excuse for breaking up with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marylandkitten
Bottom line, don't blame the unforeseeable future, no matter who you're with.
What does that mean - people should never think about the future when they enter into relationships? Don't people break up because they want different things all the time?
I am not making excuses. This is a valid concern of mine - and one of the people around me. I am always being asked what about this and what about that. I can only say "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" so many times without starting to become concerned.
What does that mean - people should never think about the future when they enter into relationships? Don't people break up because they want different things all the time?
I am not making excuses. This is a valid concern of mine - and one of the people around me. I am always being asked what about this and what about that. I can only say "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" so many times without starting to become concerned.
Of course you should be sensible and responsible, but you can't control everything. Especially when it comes to the future. There has to come a point where people let go, and can be content enough or thankful enough just for being with the one they love for one more day.
Of course you should be sensible and responsible, but you can't control everything. Especially when it comes to the future. There has to come a point where people let go, and can be content enough or thankful enough just for being with the one they love for one more day.
My problem is I have always done that. I have always lived in the moment, seized the day... the whole point of this is that I have finally grown up and begun to think more about tomorrow, and I have seen a tomorrow that isn't as appealing to me as it once was. Does that make me such a horrible person?
My problem is I have always done that. I have always lived in the moment, seized the day... the whole point of this is that I have finally grown up and begun to think more about tomorrow, and I have seen a tomorrow that isn't as appealing to me as it once was. Does that make me such a horrible person?
No. I think it tends to run on the selfish side a little though.
You see it as growing up and putting more stalk into your future, whereas I have come full-spectrum being the one who used to worry about every little detail, and never being fully happy in a relationship without being able to control every little outcome for the future. (Disclaimer: I'm not saying either one of us are right on how we go about it, just comparing notes)
I think you not only have your answer, but your speech prepared!
"I love you more than anything, just not more than myself.
I need to start thinking more about myself and my future, not our future, and I can't do that with you in it! Best o' luck! "
Last edited by Marylandkitten; 11-12-2009 at 05:41 PM..
No. I think it tends to run on the selfish side a little though.
I think you not only have your answer, but your speech prepared!
"I love you more than anything, just not more than myself. I need to start thinking more about myself and my future, not our future, and I can't do that with you in it! Best o' luck! "
Wow.. just.. wow. There have been some screwed up things said to me in my time but I can't even begin to describe the anger bubbling inside me when I read this.
I am the furthest from selfish that anyone could be. I have spent my whole life putting others first, a problem I still struggle with to this day. You have no idea. NO idea. There is so much you don't know about me but it is just way too personal, family orientated and would take up 2 or 3 pages going into detail..
So I have reached a time in my life where I finally want to stand up and say ME FIRST and all of a sudden I am a selfish person...? I just can't even believe this.
Secretly sad, what do you want from us? You started a thread, we post our thoughts, read them and leave them. We are not here to make the decision for you or just say what you want to hear. We post here to communicate for better or worse. We tell you our thoughts, you read them but ultimately In the end you have to make the decision yourself about what you want. You get mad at us when we post thoughts that you don't want to hear, you only like the posts from women who say get out of the relationship.
So you already made up your mind you are just looking for posts to your thread that make you feel better about leaving the guy. So get on with it, you aren't doing any favors to him by sticking around except maybe some sex just for the sake for him.
You want to think about yourself then leave him even if it means you struggling financially on your own. But whoever you marry or whatever there no certainty in the future anyway.
]Maybe I just wanted someone to listen to me. As my family and so many of my friends know him well and are close with him, I never talk about any relationship concerns with them. They know absolutely nothing about any of this.
I was definitely looking for others who are had been through or are currently going through what I am at the moment. I wanted to know why they stayed, why they went, if they regretted it, if it made them happy. If they thought they were a bad person or if they thought they were doing something that was right for them at the time.
I sometimes feel like the only person in the world who is dating someone so much older than me as our main group of friends are all in their 20's like me. Sometimes it's just nice knowing you're not alone. Those friends who tell me age is just a number are the same friends who say things like "40's?? Hell no, I want someone my own age, thanks!" if a guy in his age bracket ever shows them any interest.
What makes me upset is being called selfish, financially dependant, looking for validation, told I don't love him.
I am agonizing terribly over this because of how much I do love him and how much I do feel like thinking about MY future alone is a horrible thing to be doing. I am torn between thinking "you only have the one life, and it's yours and no one elses so do what you need to do" and "how could you be so selfish?" If I didn't love him I wouldn't care less what he thought and I would just end it.
Everyone... I am sorry to have made such a big kerfuffle, honestly. My head is just very mixed up at the moment, a total blur, and I am feeling detached and lost.
If you want somebody to listen to you and need a place to vent that is cool. I have found before that posting my own thoughts has at times made me feel better and or realize better what I was thinking inside anyway with more clarity and maybe at times that maybe I was wrong and should think outside the box for a moment .Sometimes having to type your thoughts makes them more clear. The forum is good for that.
Listen to others opinions fine, but on something so personal and life changing make sure you are the one who makes the decision and you just don't decide because of someone else telling you what you should do.
You have a choice, weigh whether it is more important to get out of a relationship that you no longer like or stay even though you don't want to for the sake of security and not risking change.
]Maybe I just wanted someone to listen to me. As my family and so many of my friends know him well and are close with him, I never talk about any relationship concerns with them. They know absolutely nothing about any of this.
I was definitely looking for others who are had been through or are currently going through what I am at the moment. I wanted to know why they stayed, why they went, if they regretted it, if it made them happy. If they thought they were a bad person or if they thought they were doing something that was right for them at the time.
I sometimes feel like the only person in the world who is dating someone so much older than me as our main group of friends are all in their 20's like me. Sometimes it's just nice knowing you're not alone. Those friends who tell me age is just a number are the same friends who say things like "40's?? Hell no, I want someone my own age, thanks!" if a guy in his age bracket ever shows them any interest.
What makes me upset is being called selfish, financially dependant, looking for validation, told I don't love him.
I am agonizing terribly over this because of how much I do love him and how much I do feel like thinking about MY future alone is a horrible thing to be doing. I am torn between thinking "you only have the one life, and it's yours and no one elses so do what you need to do" and "how could you be so selfish?" If I didn't love him I wouldn't care less what he thought and I would just end it.
Everyone... I am sorry to have made such a big kerfuffle, honestly. My head is just very mixed up at the moment, a total blur, and I am feeling detached and lost.
Howdy Secretly Sad...
Very few of us have ESP. We don't know what the future holds. We all try to make the best decisions we can, concerning our futures...
Best of Luck to You Darlin' with your decision...
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