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Old 11-11-2009, 11:58 AM
 
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,980 posts, read 18,899,217 times
Reputation: 10491

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Quote:
Originally Posted by AF830 View Post
Wow, definitely wasn't expecting that! I have my own place now, its just that we're an hour away from each other.

The thing is, because we've been long distance for so long, I want to know if we can handle "the next step." I have to admit, I do like my privacy, but I don't want this relationship to continue as a weekend relationship. I want more and if it will work out, amazing, if not, I want to know now rather than finding out later. Alternatively, I could just encourage her to move into an apt or dorm since the college will be near me and we would be able to see each other much more. I imagine she would probably spend a lot of time at my place also if she were to move. So maybe this is the better medium if I am unsure?

That's my 2 cents.. feel free to chime in.
I think you need to put in more than just 2 cents since this is YOUR issue. Its up to YOU and your girlfriend if you can handle the (as you call it) "the next step", not for us here to decide. I think the advice given here is overwhelmingly in favor of NOT moving in together just yet.

If you want more than just a weekend relationship, you need to let her know that. She's a chick, and chicks love to hear things like that. Letting her move in with you is NOT necessarily letting her know that you want to proceed to the next step in the relationship. Dude, really, wake up, moving in together isnt going to let her know you want more unless she (like most women are known to do) is harping and nagging about "we should totally move in together" or "if you love me, show me by us getting an apartment together". Hopefully, she's not like this, but as I said before, a LOT of women are like that.
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Old 11-11-2009, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 2,585,601 times
Reputation: 800
Based on you just graduating college- you are probably 22, 23 years old. The transition between college and 'the real world' will change you. You'll natuarlly drift from certain friends and activities and replace them with new ones. This includes girlfriends, and choice of women since you'll definitely meet a wide variety of women, too, if not through work than somewhere in your travels. You may look at your girlfriend, still in college, differently. At 6 months removed from college, this transition has not even started.


So, it's safer to keep your own space so that you can have your time to yourself to adjust to these changes as needed. And she's still in school as well. She's going to go through the same thing. If you two are able to make it through that transition, then you might have a chance. If it doesn't work out, the separation process is MUCH easier if you have your own.
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Old 11-11-2009, 12:15 PM
 
34 posts, read 68,630 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
Based on you just graduating college- you are probably 22, 23 years old. The transition between college and 'the real world' will change you. You'll natuarlly drift from certain friends and activities and replace them with new ones. This includes girlfriends, and choice of women since you'll definitely meet a wide variety of women, too, if not through work than somewhere in your travels. You may look at your girlfriend, still in college, differently. At 6 months removed from college, this transition has not even started.


So, it's safer to keep your own space so that you can have your time to yourself to adjust to these changes as needed. And she's still in school as well. She's going to go through the same thing. If you two are able to make it through that transition, then you might have a chance. If it doesn't work out, the separation process is MUCH easier if you have your own.
Some good advice... thank you.
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Old 11-11-2009, 12:22 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 4,116,733 times
Reputation: 6112
oh my god !!

what a bunch of pessimistic nay-sayers !!

i remember when folks would have never spent a night with their partner till they got married, then moved straight in together, in their first house.
sure, it was probably hard, but my parents managed, so did most of their generation. is there a link that the divorce rate was lower, because folks just fought to make things work ?

OP, if you love each other, then go for it. what have you got to lose ?
everyone has a point when they talk about private space, and "me-time", but you can still have that living with someone. deal with issues as the arise, don't brood over them, and you'll be fine.

if you don't buy a ticket, you sure as hell won't win the raffle !!
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Old 11-11-2009, 01:35 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
6,751 posts, read 7,479,573 times
Reputation: 10874
What makes you think your gf will have more time for you while she is in college? How do you expect to see her during the week? At least when I was in college, there was maybe an hour max in a day for fun and the rest was spent in classes, studying, research, writing papers, etc. Weekends are a different story. I think you may be making demands on her that will be detrimental to her studies if you move in together before she finishes. Let her finish growing up and studying, then worry about the moving in together.
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Old 11-11-2009, 03:41 PM
Status: "Loving life." (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: Redondo Beach, CA
7,140 posts, read 4,420,094 times
Reputation: 7016
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post

OP, if you love each other, then go for it. what have you got to lose ?
Do you watch Judge Judy?
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman

if you don't buy a ticket, you sure as hell won't win the raffle !!
Uhm, that would entail buying a ring and setting a date.
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Old 11-11-2009, 03:46 PM
 
Location: California
25,614 posts, read 17,133,267 times
Reputation: 18127
Breaking up when you live together is horrible. Don't do it. Move in only if you are planning a wedding.
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Old 11-11-2009, 03:58 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 4,116,733 times
Reputation: 6112
breaking up at any time is horrible !!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
Breaking up when you live together is horrible. Don't do it. Move in only if you are planning a wedding.

jill, no, i'm sorry, i don't watch tv, i try wherever possible to live in the real world !!

why do we need to buy a ring, or get married ? will that make it more guaranteed to work ?

sure, living with someone can be hard, especially for the first time, but it can also be very rewarding.
nothing will test your maturity, and your love for each other more than living together !
a ring on the finger changes nothing.
times have changed from the "good old days". marriage is a public commitment of your love for each other, in these days, it's almost irrelevant to some people.
you can still have that commitment without the ceremony.
new laws mean that co-habitants have almost the same rights as spouses anyway.

if the OP feels he's ready to consider it, then maybe he's ready. it will all depend whether his girlfriend is !!


where would this world be if nobody dared to dream ?
we'd all be living (together, probably unmarried !) in caves !!
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Old 11-11-2009, 11:53 PM
 
1,322 posts, read 1,400,999 times
Reputation: 1440
I both agree and disagree with most of the posts here.

This is what I agree with: Moving in together, in a romantic relationship, especially while you're in college, can turn out to be a disaster in the making.

But, I disagree with even that point.

Let me explain, if I can.

When you're in college, there's a lot of things your focusing on: Getting a degree, classwork, class schedules, running through the financial aide mill, working a part time job to pay for all of this crap, partying (had to put that in), etc.. This isn't the real world. It may seem like it, but it is just a transition, so to speak. You just graduated, so a part of you is still in that mode. Once you're out for awhile, have a full time job, and have the full burden of life on you THEN you can say that you're ready for a real relationship.. Like someone said, you're going to go through a lot of changes during this time, and so will she.

I digress..

Point is, when you're in college, you don't have a lot of free time anyway. Neither does she. You'll have a night where you're free and want to do something, but she'll have studying to do.. there will be some strange exam in microbiology that she'll have to stay up until 4 am studying for, only to find out that the exam got moved to next week. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.. Hell, I got married in college. It's tough. You know what going through all of that is like, so keep that in mind. She's not going to have all the time in the world to give to you.

But, if you both are mature to work through all of this, and you both decide that it's time to move to the next level, then I think that you're ready to move in together. Just remember, it takes a hell of a lot of work.

Here's what I would recommend, if you're set on this. Get a place to share. In other words, more like a room-mate situation. Keep all the bills separate, have separate rooms, etc. ---I know, you'll be sleeping in one room, but trust me, having different rooms is important. It'll give you both your privacy when you need it, and it'll give you a "sense of ownership" about things.

The bottom line is this: It's your decision - meaning both you and her. Nobody can tell you what you're ready for here and what you're not. But, I'll tell you this, think strongly about things before you make any decision.. And then, once you have decided for yourself, talk to her about it, and give her time to make her decision. Don't rush things...

Whatever you decide, I wish you both the best..

Quote:
Originally Posted by AF830 View Post
Hello,

I just graduated from College in May and have been dating my g/f for almost 3 years now. We did a long distance relationship (4hours away) throughout college.

Since I graduated, I moved only an hour away from her for my new job. Now, I'm really tired of the long distance, and even at an hour away, I still feel like its long distance since we only see each other on the weekends.

She is looking at schools near me (she still has two years left) and I am going to have to move into a cheaper apartment in the summer of next year. I am considering asking her to find a place with me, but this is a big step, and I'm just wondering what your thoughts and opinions are on this.

Thanks!
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Old 11-12-2009, 12:00 AM
 
Location: Miami
888 posts, read 101,546 times
Reputation: 658
Quote:
Originally Posted by AF830 View Post
Hello,

I just graduated from College in May and have been dating my g/f for almost 3 years now. We did a long distance relationship (4hours away) throughout college.

Since I graduated, I moved only an hour away from her for my new job. Now, I'm really tired of the long distance, and even at an hour away, I still feel like its long distance since we only see each other on the weekends.

She is looking at schools near me (she still has two years left) and I am going to have to move into a cheaper apartment in the summer of next year. I am considering asking her to find a place with me, but this is a big step, and I'm just wondering what your thoughts and opinions are on this.

Thanks!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT move in with her.
You already brought up the issue of finances ("...I am going to have to find a cheaper apartment...")
That's an AWFUL reason to move in.
Find a place close to her and continue the relationship.
Even if it's inconvenient.
When you guys are desperate to see each other, I mean real desperado here, THAT's when you begin discussion about moving in.

With more than 50% of marriages failing, and of those that have not failed, 20-30% are depressed, the odds are against you.
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