Does anyone here live as a celibate, and has stopped dating? (wife, guy)

[Huckleberry3911948]

only the really bitter mean ones.

[lirevs]

Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?

Yes some of it can be from shyness, my health problems and other social problems added to my wait, even with the religious upbringing.

I am sorry, upon re-reading, my first ever post in this forum really sound like it is derailing the focus to be on me. I read more of the forum's older posts after I posted and lost some of the pent-up negativity I had when making my reply dissipated. In real life I generally don't solely focus on the negatives of most events. But really I posted also because I find similarity between us. And I was happy to know there are someone else who I have similarities with. Beside being celibate and being considered eccentric and I also find intellectual and somewhat narcissitic men attractive. I hope you the best in eventually find a nice community to live in and that your financial situation sees improvement!

Yes that is a problem, but honestly I think all single women are approached by them so do not be hard on yourself., If you are discerning of them you are a step ahead of MANY WOMEN. One question what kind of community do you live in?

Thanks for sharing that knowledge, I take comfort in it. I admittedly have not seen the world enough or even have enough female friends to let me know that. I am not sure how to describe the community I live in now. I am living alone working on a contractual term right now. The surrounding community is quite nice actually, small-ish city surrounding by farms but it has everything one needs to live conveniently.

I had this negativity mostly because have just had a recent experience with a higher up at work whose sexual innuendos and physical harassments I cannot escape from just by ignoring them. I had another incident involving a stalker in my last job which was also a very unpleasant experience so this one adds to the weight. There is a saying that if you don't show what they do have an effect on you, they will lose interest and get lost. In this recent case, it did not work out that way. The harassments escalated instead of abated when we went on a field assignment. While working in the open, he compared me multiple times to food that he want to carve up and eat. That he is lacking and craving for alcohol to make things more interesting. He takes every chance he gets to come up behind me to push me, shake me by the shoulders and even bump me in the hips with his hips, while turning my unsuccesful retorts into jokes that he invites everyone to laugh at. And saying directly or indirectly that of all things living, whatever cannot escape from him fast enough is his rightful food. He says it in front of all of us, I was the only female in that team of five... He was comfortable enough to say it in front of all those people, to me. It makes me wonder if I have a "kick me" sticker in the back that everyone can see but me... seriously. Douchebag was positively reveling in my awkwardness.. and he looks and is probably 20 years my senior.

I am organizing my notes right now so I can deal with these douchebags better in the future. I just need to find out what part of my looks, demeanors or whatever made me passed his "ideal prey check list" with flying colors and I will eliminate them. It sucks that he has a higher position at work, and he has a lot of free time that he spends kissing bums and socializing (and of course "teasing" people who cannot get away from him). So they say, idle hands are the devils' tools.

That is what happens these guys pick up on someone they see as "weak" or unprotected. Think of nature shows, where the predators run after the young or weak "prey" on the side of the herd. Hope this dosnt sound too cynical. I have been hit on by nuts. Disabled women have this happen, you get homeless/very troubled sort of guys who will assume you are single, and that you will cook for them and give them a place to live out of your "lonely" desperation.

No it doesn't sound cynical at all. I find that to be true too. I just wish I can soon evolve an efficient guise to mask whatever it is that makes me appear weak to douchebags. I am sorry to hear about your troubles - I cannot believe that people will be so audacious in their assumptions! Ugh. But I guess that is part of what makes them nuts. I would think that they probably think they are doing you a favor by "gifting" you their presence too. I would be so mad if I were you. Were those nuts who bothered you easy to shake off?

As long as you do not give them time of day you will be alright. Remember there ARE some GOOD ONES out there. But then you have to ask yourself if you are in place for relationship or what you really want.

Thanks for the affirmation. I believe good people are out there too. I have known positive male figures so I won't paint all men with a single brush. Reading some older posts with people denouncing abusive people, they made me feel more hopeful too.

I would agree. Ive had it happen to me. There are too many shallow people out there.

One thing always put character first! And make sure to keep on your toes like you have.

Character is the only thing I would have faith in because emotions and physical attraction are fickle stuff. If I don't know exactly how something came about, I would also lose them without knowing how.

If one has lower esteem, or lacks confidence, it can be a bad thing. Maybe this is something you can work on or take one of those defense classes to deal with bad men. Many do struggle with the slow activiation system, where you feel hesistant in fighting back afraid to make a mistake or offend. One book that helped me was the GIFT OF FEAR. I have learned as I have aged, if I feel uncomfortable there is usually a reason I am feeling that way.

Thank you, and I will see if I can find more information on that book.

Actually for a significant period of time in my late teens, that lower self esteem observation would be true. I had incidents where I really should stand up for myself, but did not do so. Eventually, I adopted a passive-aggressive stance, even pre-emptive-strike stance when dealing with people, assuming the worst of them. Then I met some inspirational people who showed me by example that is not the way it has to be. And I was also tired of living with the feeling of powerlessness anyways and decided that I should and do have the strengh to either confront people directly and confidently or be silent without going passive-aggressive. And I wanted, like the person who inspired me was able to do, to believe that most people are really fundamentally nice and interesting people. Plato said "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" I believe that, even though I am learning there are douchebags who enjoy the power they have over others way too much to warrant such consideration.

I lived in a city where men would harass women, it was ongoing, I had cab drivers even hit on me. I had to get a smart mouth, to deal with it all. One thing with being a woman in today's society, feminism makes it out like this is all over with, but I felt much more protection being married then when I was out and single.

I don't think feminism assumes there is no harassment from men, but rather that most men will abuse their power to hurt women when they can. I have heard a lot of opposition to feminism actually. The men from the so called "men's movement" generally claim that all men don't harass or use violence on women and that laws like VAWA unfairly paints all men in a bad light. I used to listen to those reasonings and agree with them. But I learn as I expand my life experience, having to deal with both physical and sexual harassment and hearing more women such as yourself express their life experiences with harassment. I think maybe VAWA is not so fair but then what is the alternative? Many women have no choice but to rely on the government to give them protection. The sign of a wedding band strikes a chord of fear in would be predators that hurting you may bring unpleasant consequences to them. In a way, the single women are in a relationship too, they are married to the state.. but I digress waay to much!! sorry.

Being hit on by a cab driver sounds scary! He can drive you anywhere and perhaps even activate child proof lock on the passenger's door from his seat. I once had a bus driver hit on me if that would made you feel better. And what he did to show for was inappropriate. I never asked him to do this, but he somehow get this magical idea of stopping the bus at an intersection when there was clearly a green light as a way of "reducing my walking distance (which was not that long anyways)". I was aghast. There were cars behind us for sure, and other passengers on the frigging bus.

Maybe your best bet is to try and make some friends and maybe hope that will turn into something more. Are you able to befriend any male friends easily or is that hard?

I possess a mix of plain looking (because I am 40 Lbs overweight), lack of social life and a conservative upbringing. It's a tried and true formula for an invisibility cloak XD At least that's what I figured. I do not make male friends easily. Actually I guess I don't know how to talk to them. Every man (9) who have shown interest in me, the predatory ones included (4), have been in their late 30s to mid 40s, 15+ years older than me. I am not used to deal with men outside of student-student, student-teacher, colleague-colleague and colleague-superior relationships. I am not prepared to deal with sexual signals. Is platonic relationships with (older) men possible? I don't know their expectations and generally am not confident at reading cues.

[Colddiamond102]

Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?

Sorry your partner is gone, but you are doing right and being faithful. I know people in Army the constant deployments are hard on them

Um..thanks.
He's Navy. Today is his birthday...and I would much rather have him home. 3 more years and that might happen.... As it is I'll have to be content with seeing him once a year.

[Phil75230]

I look at it this way: I'm committed child free.

*No real point in marrying unless you plan to have kids
*No real point in being in a relationship unless you plan to marry someday (not necessarily with THIS person, but at least with somebody)
*No point in dating unless you're open to the possibility of a relationship

Conclusion: I find no reason to even date unless you are open to the possibility of having kids. Too many legal and financial risks for a man to marry without kids. Besides, without kids, I have no real wish to share authority over my mailing address with someone else - it intrudes on my peace, quiet, and freedom.

Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?

That is what happens these guys pick up on someone they see as "weak" or unprotected. Think of nature shows, where the predators run after the young or weak "prey" on the side of the herd.

This is the ultimate reason I'm committed child-free. I disagree with too much of human nautre the way it is. Why would I want to contribute my sperm to perpetuating the human species if such behavior among us is fairly common? Or, even worse, and even more typical - contempt for weakness (something long past its usefulness in our post-hunter/gatherer society; even more so in our high-tech society which gives individuals much more power to destroy others).

Result: I find the end-prize nature intended from relationships, children (aka yet more human beings who will go on to cause more problems), is not worth investing my time and effort to raise.

[MI-IRISH]

celibate and stopped dating?...as soon as i got married...

[cremebrulee]

I am and have been for 9 years...don't like the ups and downs of dating, and have become way to comfortable in my own skin....I don't believe I could live with anyone ever again...the peace and quiet is so enjoyable and there is no schedule I must adhere to.

Been married, divorced, and have had a child...enjoyed being a wife and mother, but now, my life is mine, and I don't want to live someone else's idea of what my life should be.

[Oildog]

I haven't really dated for several years, got very tired with the games. Its better with older women as their BS level goes down a lot after 30 or so.

[rlrl]

Result: I find the end-prize nature intended from relationships, children (aka yet more human beings who will go on to cause more problems), is not worth investing my time and effort to raise.


**I know exactly what you mean Phil. I often wonder what these low lifes who bully others, who have houses and mortgages, how they raise their kids. Do they use meek docile people like me whom they have contempt for to use as a "bad example" to their kids? Like "never become like RL he's a loser son because he's too nice and honest" Do they encourage their kids to bully others?
Do their kids and wives know they bully others and stepped on chewed up and spit out others to get where they are? This is something one never hears about when people talk about their families houses and kids. Until someone wants a divorce or there is a suicide, etc

[Ellis Bell]

Originally Posted by rlrl

Result: I find the end-prize nature intended from relationships, children (aka yet more human beings who will go on to cause more problems), is not worth investing my time and effort to raise.


**I know exactly what you mean Phil. I often wonder what these low lifes who bully others, who have houses and mortgages, how they raise their kids. Do they use meek docile people like me whom they have contempt for to use as a "bad example" to their kids? Like "never become like RL he's a loser son because he's too nice and honest" Do they encourage their kids to bully others?
Do their kids and wives know they bully others and stepped on chewed up and spit out others to get where they are? This is something one never hears about when people talk about their families houses and kids. Until someone wants a divorce or there is a suicide, etc

I don't know how to double quote so for you and Phil above:

Just think what would have happened if your parents had thought the same way you do---there would be two less in this world to think about the things you think about. I'm sorry it was just so obvious I couldn't resist.

[etacarinae]

Since 2005. I enjoy it.