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I know that my perception of *porn* will always be tainted with side affects of growing up in a very religious household where it was taboo/distasteful/etc, but fastforward 26 years, happily engaged to a man I love more than life itself.
We had "an issue" a few months ago, when I caught him (hmmm how do I make this forum-appropriate) when I caught him... physically engaged Iin his lap, while watching some of the cruder forms of porn on youtube one night.
I flipped out. ... instantly conjuring up past-memories of the night I caught an ex doing the same thing on webcam to someone he met online and had begun a relationship while still living with me... that was the end of the rope for him. ...but I digress.
Now I know, to be fair, we can't compare exes to presents to futures. So we talked it out calmly and rationaly. And after explaining to him that.. putting aside fears of inadequacy, that it wasn't something I was comfortable with him doing by himself without me, he deeply apologized and promised never to do it again, now knowing what it meant to me, or how it affected me. (just an FYI, I don't hate porn.. porn together can be a kinky fun learning experince - but porn by himself, while he was going through great lengths to hide it/do it late at night/not get caught.. that feels like cheating to me)
Fast forward to last night, where our story begins (now that you've got the background painted). I am catching the flu, from taking care of other flu victims so I kissed him goodnight and went to bed early.
I shot up bolt upright in the middle of the night when a kitten landed on me (she does this frequently, but her timing last night was impeccable) and you guessed it.. the computer monitor was on, he was stripped down, and going away at it. What makes this whole situation worse is.. not knowing how to react I just sat there and stared at him - (not angrily, just more out of disbelief). He held my stare for about a minute, turned his back on me, closed down the computer, and climbed into his side of the bed without saying a word. Lights out, party's over. I cried myself to sleep, and it was a good long time before I was able to go back to sleep.
We both went our seperate ways to work this morning. He wants to talk to me, and I'm at a loss. How do I talk to him, when I can't even look him in the eye. I don't want him sleeping next to me, I don't want him to try to hug me, or say he's sorry some more. Sorry works the first time. I don't want to hear him say he loves me. You don't hurt people you love like this.
Thoughts? comments? Nothing I rehearse in my head comes out sounding like anything other than an ultimatum. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do you live with someone that you now know you never will be able to trust?
He's going to be furious at me for treating him like he can't be trusted anymore.. and on a more depressing side, I will resent him for knowing deep down that he's broken through a barrier that there's no fully coming back from.
I love him. But if I let this go, I'll be just like those housewives that look the other way after his third or fourth affair, after all, if you were going to make a stink about it, why did you let it go this long in the first place.
He has not 1 right to get furious or even a little bit angry at you for not trusting him! He knows the issues you had with the ex and is still being insensitive and uncaring if he goes and does it again!
If you want to work it out with him thats entirely up to you, but he has to jump through hoops in my opinion to earn the trust back.
You caught him but how many other times did you not catch him after the 1st episode?
I think you have very valid fears and if this is an issue, you need to sit down with him (before bed time) and tell him again. Not only do you need to be pefectly honest about your feelings with him but you need to ask him some tough questions as to why he feels the need to do this and you may hear things you aren't prepared for.
In all reality he may very well have an addiction, he may be teetering on the edge of an affair, he may just really like porn or he may be dissatisfied with you and what you two do. Whatever the case, you should have a conversation with him and talk openly and honestly. Good luck.
I am so glad I don't have this problem. I can't imagine being so distraught over my husband spanking it while I was sick with the flu. I don't worry about whether I can "trust" him because I really don't care if he masturbates or to what. I don't make him lie about something that I consider to be normal and natural. If you caught him in the shower or in the basement, would you assume he's thinking of you and leave him alone? I'm pretty sure men think like this:
BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BUTT BUTT BOOBS
Don't you masturbate? If so, do you do so while imagining your husband, or do you imagine someone else? Do you think about a steamy scene you saw in a movie or read in a book?
Look, you feel how you feel. But that doesn't make you right and him wrong, nor is he right and you're wrong. I just really don't think laying out some ultimatum is going to work at all.
You gave him a chance already. I agree with you about the woman who keep allowing things to go on when they are indeed uncomfortable in situations at hand. Only you know if you truly want to leave him over this. I had a very similar issue with my ex and it got out of control real quick. He started hiding folders in his computer, unlucky for him I'm not an idiot and figured out how to find hidden folders and found tons of folders full of porn. It made me very uncomfortable and I couldn't deal with something like that again. Good luck
I would suggest you reach a compromise. For one thing, it's his body, and if he wants to masturbate you shouldn't really have a problem with it unless he's depriving you of sex. If he were to do this privately in the bathroom with nothing more than a mere fantasy in his head (no visual aids) would that be alright with you? Masturbation is a normal thing, and condemning him for it seems a bit harsh. He's not out screwing around, he's not engaging in some sordid cyber relationship with another woman, he's merely getting off to some porn. Is the porn something of a disturbing or illegal nature (beastiality, violent, kids etc)? If he was jacking off to a Playboy magazine in the bathroom would it bother you as much?
Don't automatically feel that just because you are left out of the process that he is choosing something or someone else over you. Ask him how important this is to him that he continue to sneak off to rub one off. Ask him if he's not getting enough from you. Do you two have a healthy sex life? Maybe he needs more, or perhaps he just enjoys the fantasy or voyeuristic aspect of the porn. You offered to let him do it in your presence or let you in on it, perhaps he's too shy? Try watching it with him some time and see where it goes.
I will agree that he is wrong for breaking his word. For that you need to have a serious discussion, regardless of what the reason, open and honest communication is very important. Let him know that he violated your trust, and that if just came clean about it and expressed his true desires or temptations you'd be able to work through this with him.
I know that my perception of *porn* will always be tainted with side affects of growing up in a very religious household where it was taboo/distasteful/etc, but fastforward 26 years, happily engaged to a man I love more than life itself.
We had "an issue" a few months ago, when I caught him (hmmm how do I make this forum-appropriate) when I caught him... physically engaged Iin his lap, while watching some of the cruder forms of porn on youtube one night.
I flipped out. ... instantly conjuring up past-memories of the night I caught an ex doing the same thing on webcam to someone he met online and had begun a relationship while still living with me... that was the end of the rope for him. ...but I digress.
Now I know, to be fair, we can't compare exes to presents to futures. So we talked it out calmly and rationaly. And after explaining to him that.. putting aside fears of inadequacy, that it wasn't something I was comfortable with him doing by himself without me, he deeply apologized and promised never to do it again, now knowing what it meant to me, or how it affected me. (just an FYI, I don't hate porn.. porn together can be a kinky fun learning experince - but porn by himself, while he was going through great lengths to hide it/do it late at night/not get caught.. that feels like cheating to me)
Fast forward to last night, where our story begins (now that you've got the background painted). I am catching the flu, from taking care of other flu victims so I kissed him goodnight and went to bed early.
I shot up bolt upright in the middle of the night when a kitten landed on me (she does this frequently, but her timing last night was impeccable) and you guessed it.. the computer monitor was on, he was stripped down, and going away at it. What makes this whole situation worse is.. not knowing how to react I just sat there and stared at him - (not angrily, just more out of disbelief). He held my stare for about a minute, turned his back on me, closed down the computer, and climbed into his side of the bed without saying a word. Lights out, party's over. I cried myself to sleep, and it was a good long time before I was able to go back to sleep.
We both went our seperate ways to work this morning. He wants to talk to me, and I'm at a loss. How do I talk to him, when I can't even look him in the eye. I don't want him sleeping next to me, I don't want him to try to hug me, or say he's sorry some more. Sorry works the first time. I don't want to hear him say he loves me. You don't hurt people you love like this.
Thoughts? comments? Nothing I rehearse in my head comes out sounding like anything other than an ultimatum. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do you live with someone that you now know you never will be able to trust?
He's going to be furious at me for treating him like he can't be trusted anymore.. and on a more depressing side, I will resent him for knowing deep down that he's broken through a barrier that there's no fully coming back from.
I love him. But if I let this go, I'll be just like those housewives that look the other way after his third or fourth affair, after all, if you were going to make a stink about it, why did you let it go this long in the first place.
In all honesty, I think you need some help with this. Your extreme religious background seems to be making you a bit sexually repressed and unnecessarily unhappy.
Many couples use masturbation as foreplay for great sex - there's nothing "dirty" or "wrong" about that.
Ultimately, what is right and wrong in the bedroom is strictly between the two people in that bedroom - no one else.
I would suggest you reach a compromise. For one thing, it's his body, and if he wants to masturbate you shouldn't really have a problem with it unless he's depriving you of sex. If he were to do this privately in the bathroom with nothing more than a mere fantasy in his head (no visual aids) would that be alright with you? Masturbation is a normal thing, and condemning him for it seems a bit harsh. He's not out screwing around, he's not engaging in some sordid cyber relationship with another woman, he's merely getting off to some porn. Is the porn something of a disturbing or illegal nature (beastiality, violent, kids etc)? If he was jacking off to a Playboy magazine in the bathroom would it bother you as much?
Don't automatically feel that just because you are left out of the process that he is choosing something or someone else over you. Ask him how important this is to him that he continue to sneak off to rub one off. Ask him if he's not getting enough from you. Do you two have a healthy sex life? Maybe he needs more, or perhaps he just enjoys the fantasy or voyeuristic aspect of the porn. You offered to let him do it in your presence or let you in on it, perhaps he's too shy? Try watching it with him some time and see where it goes.
I will agree that he is wrong for breaking his word. For that you need to have a serious discussion, regardless of what the reason, open and honest communication is very important. Let him know that he violated your trust, and that if just came clean about it and expressed his true desires or temptations you'd be able to work through this with him.
I agree. I can't rep you again (I wanted to in the dead baby thread too) but can't yet. You explained my point of view very well. It is serious that the husband went back on his word, but how does one broach the subject? "Honey, my earlier agreement not to watch it was rash, and I want to take it back"? I think it's a bad idea to set someone up to fail by forcing them to lie and sneak around.
I read Dan Savage's column every week, and his advice in such situations is usually "he pretends like he doesn't look at porn, and you pretend like he doesn't look at porn."
Since you've already said that porn makes you uncomfortable, your boyfriend doing what he did while you were sleeping in the same room shows a lack of respect for your wishes. I think it's unrealistic to expect him to stop looking at porn and masturbating, but it's not unrealistic for him do do it in private and delete his computer's cache when he's done.
for the deeply religious the entire issue of sexual needs is shameful and not part of single or married life. it is something to be rejected and overcome and is therefore not a legitimate need.
christianity is in its original state an aesthetic religion they are monastic people.
it is not in fact a religion of the masses we just did it that way.
btw if you feed that dog he will stop digging in the trash.
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... instantly conjuring up past-memories of the night I caught an ex doing the same thing on webcam to someone he met online and had begun a relationship while still living with me... that was the end of the rope for him. ...but I digress.
- but porn by himself, while he was going through great lengths to hide it/do it late at night/not get caught.. that feels like cheating to me)
so I kissed him goodnight and went to bed early.
