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A word of caution about divorce attorneys. They don't make any money unless they encourage you to make use of their services. They may/may not be good at providing information about possible legal ramifications but I wouldn't solely go on their advice for a decision of this sort. I have also found out from personal experience that you can never predict what will happen once you do go into court.
I've had serious talks with her twice in the past two weeks..trying to get her to see my side of things. Yesterday I even wrote her up a list of all the things I'd done during the day (95% of which were household chores and looking after the kids). That left we with less than an hour of work-time (which I get yelled at for by my bosses) , yet I bet when she wakes up she'll have no problems asking me to pay a bill or for money. Spouses are supposed to support one another, yes.. but the irony in this case is that this woman will most likely give *me* crap about not getting to spend time with her again, when I'm only trying to get in more hours to work because of all the other time I spend dealing with chores she should be making time for at home.
Our discussions go very much like this: I attempt to explain to her something that is bothering me and how stressed I am. She blocks me before I've completed what I was trying to say and then starts talking about how difficult it is for her at work. I say I understand and then try to continue..again..she'll end up blocking me. By the end of the discussion not only have I not had a chance to explain to her just how seriously unhappy this is all making me...my attempts *at* a conversation with her have just fallen through. She claims she'll try to help out more, but I guess I'll wait to see what happens. She has a day off today so I'm going to try giving her a chance to show me how much she could help when work isn't a factor for her.
She's a great lady. She shows that she loves me by her hugs and kisses etc. but when it comes to things like this, I can't help but feel like I made a lot of compromises for someone that may be willing to talk the talk..but perhaps not walk the walk.
I've had serious talks with her twice in the past two weeks..trying to get her to see my side of things. Yesterday I even wrote her up a list of all the things I'd done during the day (95% of which were household chores and looking after the kids). That left we with less than an hour of work-time (which I get yelled at for by my bosses) , yet I bet when she wakes up she'll have no problems asking me to pay a bill or for money. Spouses are supposed to support one another, yes.. but the irony in this case is that this woman will most likely give *me* crap about not getting to spend time with her again, when I'm only trying to get in more hours to work because of all the other time I spend dealing with chores she should be making time for at home.
Our discussions go very much like this: I attempt to explain to her something that is bothering me and how stressed I am. She blocks me before I've completed what I was trying to say and then starts talking about how difficult it is for her at work. I say I understand and then try to continue..again..she'll end up blocking me. By the end of the discussion not only have I not had a chance to explain to her just how seriously unhappy this is all making me...my attempts *at* a conversation with her have just fallen through. She claims she'll try to help out more, but I guess I'll wait to see what happens. She has a day off today so I'm going to try giving her a chance to show me how much she could help when work isn't a factor for her.
She's a great lady. She shows that she loves me by her hugs and kisses etc. but when it comes to things like this, I can't help but feel like I made a lot of compromises for someone that may be willing to talk the talk..but perhaps not walk the walk.
I'll giver her a chance.
Hi orbital,
You did say she had a low paying job. Tell her to quit her job or go part time. If she is working full time, she may not quite be the work horse you are.
As others have mentioned, would it be more cost effective (and better for your relationship) for her to stay home with the kids and manage the house? Or do you think you would resent her for "not working"?
I know in our case, it was costing us for me to work part-time. My husband and I had agreed before we were even married that I would stay home and raise the children, but even if I chose to go out and find a job, the costs of day-care would make me break even. It's not worth it for me to work until the kids are in school full-time.
As others have mentioned, would it be more cost effective (and better for your relationship) for her to stay home with the kids and manage the house? Or do you think you would resent her for "not working"?
I know in our case, it was costing us for me to work part-time. My husband and I had agreed before we were even married that I would stay home and raise the children, but even if I chose to go out and find a job, the costs of day-care would make me break even. It's not worth it for me to work until the kids are in school full-time.
I think that this could be in ways how she feels about the subject.
I'm sure that It would be a lot easier for me to take on board her staying at home to look after the kids if we were talking about kids we had had together (due to the emotional connection) - that they were fathered by someone else and that my wife had to previously deal with kids + her job in tow (and managed to), makes me feel like I would be paying for her to:
Sleep half the day (which she always does when she's unemployed), get a few of the chores done and spend time with her kids (which would be a dream for her because its easier than working). This makes me feel uneasy because I've already made compromises of moving, taking on more kids than I'd expected to at 23 to be with her, and I would like for her to be contributing financially to their upbringing {Please feel free to let me know if there's something seriously wrong with my thought process on this}
I understand that I can't have things both ways, but what I would like is some sort of medium where we can fairly and equally share out the chores, perhaps have her working half-the week so that childcare is split up and spending the other half at home..and finally..
her wanting to become less lazy. I can understand that for someone who's job it is to be in sales and on their feet all day, a little extra rest can be helpful to your body..that said, I don't want to be with someone who sleeps until 1am when they could be helping out..then goes back to sleep at 6pm, leaving me to deal with the kids+chores again. This makes it feel like it doesn't make a difference whether she's here or not and I've asked her several times to change this behaviour.
Any ideas on how to get her to listen?.
I've emailed my lawyer to find out whether the 11 month limit is set in stone. I would prefer to have a little more time to evaluate if she can change or not, but we'll see..
Your situation sounds alot like many SAHMs that work from home. The two of you are not organized or on the same page.
I am still not understanding why you dont use some type of daycare. You need to set aside the number of hours you need to devote to your work and arrange child care for that time, 4 hrs, 6 hrs what ever.
Have you ever watched that show about the nanny that comes to show parents how to control their children? Your wife seems to act like these unstructured kids. Get a big poster board and list all the hh chores then split them up and assign particular chores and days that each of you will be responsible for.
Stop letting her interrupt you. Tell her you have the floor and just listen. If that dosent work, what I do is use Cesar Millan's technique with dogs (it works on my dogs too).
I think that this could be in ways how she feels about the subject.
I'm sure that It would be a lot easier for me to take on board her staying at home to look after the kids if we were talking about kids we had had together (due to the emotional connection) - that they were fathered by someone else and that my wife had to previously deal with kids + her job in tow (and managed to), makes me feel like I would be paying for her to:
Sleep half the day (which she always does when she's unemployed), get a few of the chores done and spend time with her kids (which would be a dream for her because its easier than working). This makes me feel uneasy because I've already made compromises of moving, taking on more kids than I'd expected to at 23 to be with her, and I would like for her to be contributing financially to their upbringing {Please feel free to let me know if there's something seriously wrong with my thought process on this}
I understand that I can't have things both ways, but what I would like is some sort of medium where we can fairly and equally share out the chores, perhaps have her working half-the week so that childcare is split up and spending the other half at home..and finally..
her wanting to become less lazy. I can understand that for someone who's job it is to be in sales and on their feet all day, a little extra rest can be helpful to your body..that said, I don't want to be with someone who sleeps until 1am when they could be helping out..then goes back to sleep at 6pm, leaving me to deal with the kids+chores again. This makes it feel like it doesn't make a difference whether she's here or not and I've asked her several times to change this behaviour.
Any ideas on how to get her to listen?.
I've emailed my lawyer to find out whether the 11 month limit is set in stone. I would prefer to have a little more time to evaluate if she can change or not, but we'll see..
People change all of the time... but people don't truly change for other people. People only truly change for themselves.
Oh, people will change for a month or so to shut up the spouse. But permanent change? NOPE. (This is why nagging is a waste of time and usually leads to resentment on all sides.)
She will not start getting out of bed at a reasonable hour because you want her to do so. She will only do it if she comes to the decision that it is best for her, for you, and for the kids and then she decides that change is worth it. Right now, it isn't. All you can do is state your case and hope she sees the light of day.
But if you've already talked to her about these childcare issues, and the result has been inaction, you've already received your answer.
If this is truly the case, that she's that lazy, sleeping until 1:30 pm and leaving you to be the live-in nanny, the maid who does all the cleaning, yard man, and you must provide the pay check, pay all the bills, you need to run.
I think she's using you. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, having a helpmate. Read her the riot act if you want and give her one chance to change and the change has to start immediately or pack your bags.
I'm giving her today and tomorrow is the absolute stop-gap unless my attorney says that we have more time. I don't *want* to leave, but she's giving me no choice. If when your husband tells you that he isn't happy, feels like a nanny, is about to go crazy with the stress of dealing with all the chores + kids + work at the same time...I would hope that she understands something needs to be done soon.
I think that this could be in ways how she feels about the subject.
I'm sure that It would be a lot easier for me to take on board her staying at home to look after the kids if we were talking about kids we had had together (due to the emotional connection) - that they were fathered by someone else and that my wife had to previously deal with kids + her job in tow (and managed to), makes me feel like I would be paying for her to:
Sleep half the day (which she always does when she's unemployed), get a few of the chores done and spend time with her kids (which would be a dream for her because its easier than working). This makes me feel uneasy because I've already made compromises of moving, taking on more kids than I'd expected to at 23 to be with her, and I would like for her to be contributing financially to their upbringing {Please feel free to let me know if there's something seriously wrong with my thought process on this}
Unfortunately, my perspective may be skewed as a mother.
Did you tell her your feelings regarding the children BEFORE you married or proposed?! What did you think was going to happen with the children once you married her? You truly feel you're not obligated to them in anyway because they're not yours biologically??? You do realize they are your wife's flesh and blood...the woman you supposedly love and committed to for better or for worse.
As for your wife's behavior, could it be that she's depressed?
I'm starting to agree with the others, that it may be best for you to leave...it's in her and the children's best interest because it's pretty obvious that there is a lot of resentment towards to the children, not love. People may disagree with me, but those kids and your wife know it.
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