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Yes, you do sound selfish. You knew darn well what you were getting into BEFORE you got married, and you did it anyway.
Now almost a year later you're having second thoughts are apparently willing to destroy other peoples lives in order to be "free"
Suck it up, talk to your wife about spending time together as a couple, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how fulfilling your life may become.
Do you even love the children
I almost married a guy with two kids from a previous marriage and I felt like those kids were blessings, not burdens, and I would have loved to be a step-mom to them. I guess I just view parenthood differently than you do
Really, he isnt much obligated to love the kids. He IS obligated (as long as he's married to their mother) to do the right thing and keep food in their mouths and a roof over their heads. If he leaves, the kids are just toddlers. Their mother will go back to where ever, doing what ever it was she was doing before they married, and the two kids wont even remember him when they get older if he bails now.
My question is WHY, WHY,WHY did you get involved with a woman that already had children in the first place? Especially one with less education, that couldnt really support herself and the kids on her own...doesnt that send warning signs to anyone else but me?
Dude, Im a female about your age, and if any man I came across had kids...that= buh bye!
Really, he isnt much obligated to love the kids. He IS obligated (as long as he's married to their mother) to do the right thing and keep food in their mouths and a roof over their heads. If he leaves, the kids are just toddlers. Their mother will go back to where ever, doing what ever it was she was doing before they married, and the two kids wont even remember him when they get older if he bails now.
My question is WHY, WHY,WHY did you get involved with a woman that already had children in the first place? Especially one with less education, that couldnt really support herself and the kids on her own...doesnt that send warning signs to anyone else but me?
Dude, Im a female about your age, and if any man I came across had kids...that= buh bye!
Nativity and a good heart may have got the better of my logic..
When she is home does she spend an appreciable amount of her time caring for the kids or is she going back and forth with her friends leaving the childcare responsibilities on you at that time? Does she pay any attention to you at all, perhaps say she appreciates you, or do any little thing that shows that ever?
There is your answer as to whether you're being pushed around as opposed to just normal family obligations with kids. Even a simple kiss or an "I love you" only takes a few seconds. You need to make a decision not based on fear but on an assessment of her underlying regard for you. The choice then becomes can you get through to her to understand your position and ameliorate it or not.
Nativity and a good heart may have got the better of my logic..
Id try talking with your wife again, and let her know in no uncertain terms that you're dead serious. Sit her down where its quiet, no screaming kids or anything of the sort, and tell her EXACTLY what your problems are as of right now. Dont make accusations, use "I" statements
For example:
" I feel...."
"I dont understand why it seems like you wont...."
If she blows you off again, then I think you've got your answer as to whether or not she wants you for you, or if she wants you for her kids.
Marriage is give and take. Its a partnership, where in the end each partner benefits somehow. To do that takes communication and compromise on BOTH sides.
If one will play ball and the other wont, partnership doesnt work. If one will try to communicate, and the other wont, partnership doesnt work.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the one that has to keep making sacrifices....I had to give up MY friends and family, my career, my life..move to HER country..and for what? to just be her financial and emotional support system?...surely in a good marriage both people sacrifice equally, right?...
Correct. Of course, since you brought so much more to the table, she should be sacrificing more. Instead, she made you leave your friends and family to go to her land.
Think about this: some women will undercut a man's support network so that she can better control him. Over and over again men who married found their old friends drift away, often because the wife doesn't approve of them or she guilts him into spending time on the family even as she gets to have girls night out.
Divorce comes and BAM, his friends were actually her friends and he's all alone without support- is it any wonder that divorced men commit suicide at a higher rate than either divorced women or either of the married genders?
From LovesMountains:
The really sad thing is how hard you are trying to justify what you are about to do (leave). Admit it, you already know what you are going to do - so just be honest with her ASAP and make it a clean break. Then do the world a HUGE favor and don't get married again until you've become a real man. Marriage is just too big a commitment for little boys.
Go with the first part but ignore the shaming language of the second part. You "manned up" and tried to rescue a woman who only pretended to love you.[mod cut]
Whatever else you take from this: GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE!! Salvage what you can and rebuild. IT will only get harder the longer you stay.
[mod cut]
Last edited by mrstewart; 11-17-2009 at 07:24 PM..
I think you should try counseling. If you think she is the ONE, than she is the one, end of story. You do what you have to do to make it work.
Life is about relationships, not work or money. Its better to discover this early on in life, then to throw away a really good thing and become an old man with tons of regrets.
You should have thought about this BEFORE you married her and took on her kids. If you're not having problems in your relationship, you should man up and hold up your end of the bargain.
Guess what? Most people with children, whether bio or not, have to spend money to raise those kids.
You and the wife should get a babysitter and make time for just the two of you to go out and have some fun without the kids.
My sentiments exactly and further, let this be a lesson to other young men and women. THINK before you go and get yourself knocked up, or before you decide to be the step-in dad for someone elses kids. Before you go and get married you need to grow up some.
Coming in late to the thread. I'd suggest having a serious talk with your wife about your feelings about the kids and what your collective long terms goals are. I think it best to get your resentments out into the open before they get worse. Maybe she's been thinking that everything is fine, or maybe she's got a plan to eventually go back into the workforce to be able to support the kids in a greater way.
I'm wondering if she accepts you as being her kids new dad or if you are in a position of being more of an uncle figure than a parent to them. My stepdad married my mom when I was five and I had two younger sisters. Right from the start, he accepted us as his own children and told my exdad that child support wasn't needed. And we did have several years of lean times, but I think that my stepdad didn't want any weird divorce/shild support dramas to happen with my exdad.
But get some couple counseling and also some financial counseling for the both of you before you consider divorce. Don't be afraid to be honest with your wife, but be gentle about how you talk to her. I'm sure that inside, she has felt guilty about taking money from you for her kids. But if you want the marriage to work, you need to accept the kids as your own issue. You need to work with your wife as to solve the problem of you having so much of the financial burden to run the household. Perhaps if you watch the kids on the weekends (or if her parents can help with that), your wife can find a part time job or go to school for some more job skills.
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Especially one with less education, that couldnt really support herself and the kids on her own...doesnt that send warning signs to anyone else but me?
