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I find it sad that you married a woman with kids and your whole mentality thus far has been "but they're not mine." Was that view ever going to change? Were you planning on being a father figure but at arm's length?
Sad, but that's reality. I know several men who did this and stuck it out. They tried their best but spent a lot of their time dealing with deliquency, teen pregnancy and a host of other low achievement problems. Its difficult to not remind yourself, when such trouble strikes, that they aren't really your kids and you're only the financier.
Meanwhile, any biological child they might have is an insurance policy. (and often treated by the mother as such) To raise this child successfully, requires the additional burden of protecting it from the excesses of (older and likely influential) step siblings. The older kids are nearly always better looking, because that is why she was initially attracted to the deadbeat father. This makes it easy for them to slack off and be irresponsible and its difficult to avoid having this rub off on his own child.
It sounds like 2 issues are going on here. First, it looks to me that you are putting a lot of pressure and responsibility on HER to make your life grand. You have a say in this, too.
1. Hire a babysitter.
2. Make overnight reservations at a nice hotel.
3. Make dinner reservations for that night, too.
4. Behave yourself during dinner.
5. Go back to the hotel and treat your wife like a queen.
6. Slowly and gently tell her that you'd like to this more often. Tell her that you'd like to be husband and wife from time to time. You love her and the kids but you need time to "plug into" her as a woman from time to time. You need alone time with her. EOS.
Also, it would help if you actually helped her see herself as anything other than a mother. You didn't say anything pleasant about her except for she was "nice" over the internet.
Secondly, it looks to me that you are setting HER up to take the blame for when your life isn't as grand as you imagined it. Grow up. If she wasn't there, you'd be going to fancy, swank places while more likely than not complaining about the lack of a suitable companion to help you enjoy those things. Take responsibility for your own life, career, and happiness.
So to summarize...I feel like I'm a slave whose responsibility it is to both look after the children, the house and make enough money to cover her bills.
So you work from home while also doing all the housework and childcare and make more money than your wife who is working 9 hrs. a day and yet have to pay HER bills? in addition to regular household expenses. Something is definately not right here. Why is she even working? Seem more economical and less stressful for you for her to be a SAHM
Kind of sounds like my last marriage less the kids.
I can't believe how many people are so quick to say "run and don't look back" without even hearing your wife's side or point of view. And screw the kids...they don't matter in any of this, right!?!
Integrity seems to be just a word in the dictionary these days.
I can't believe how many people are so quick to say "run and don't look back" without even hearing your wife's side or point of view. And screw the kids...they don't matter in any of this, right!?!
Integrity seems to be just a word in the dictionary these days.
I know.
Single people with kids on this forum must be feeling they are the scum of the earth. "Don't touch them with a nine-foot pole!"
A lot of people are saying to leave, and if everything the OP is saying is 100% true, I agree.
BUT I just want to caution you into understanding that this is all very important. "Run and don't look back" advice is the very thing which will make you one day end up a 50 year old man who has been married four times.
My point is, if you do leave, you need to keep in mind that it isn't her fault that you want a divorce. Ignore the folks who will say you were trapped by a temptress. It's your fault, because YOU and you alone made a poor decision for yourself when you married her in the first place.
Learn from your mistakes so you aren't making bad marriage choices for the rest of your life. The next one may not be a single mom who sticks you with her responsibilities. The results of your personally bad decisions will show up in your life in a variety of packages. Let this be the last one.
I apologize, but I'm not trying to justify myself - the responsibilities and the stress I have taken on in this relationship over the past few years are far beyond those many of the men at my age have to deal with. Please respect that.
I haven't made a final decision about what I am going to do as yet and it's not marriage that I have a problem with - it's being in a relationship where I feel both unhappy and like I may be being used. I don't believe that's something any man should take lightly.
I think you need to sit down and talk to her about all your concerns. People can change. I don't think you should just up and leave cold turkey. That is way too traumatic. It would devastate her and those little kids. After a time, it will also devastate you -- men (usually) are better at breaking up cold turkey, yet they (usually) are the ones who have the deep regrets several years later while the woman has moved on.
I would highly recommend that you attend a marriage conference together. You are in it with a bunch of couples going through similar struggles. It is very organized and encourages couples to start addressing their issues -- rather than putting it off or brushing it under the rug. It also provides excellent ideas and resources. I recommend "A Weekend to Remember" marriage conferences. It can also be a lot of fun. Also, read any books, CDs, etc. you can on building your marriage -- there are tons of resources out there (Fireproof Your Marriage; Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, to name a few).
Remember also your marriage vows. A vow is a promise. Promises aren't meant to be broken. Vows are extremely serious. Full discolosure: I am speaking from a faith perspective.
As far as what to do immediately: yes, get a nanny -- make sure she's not cute -- LOL -- your wife may feel threatened by that. It is absolutely important that you not babysit and be a nanny while trying to be the breadwinner. Yes, start going on date nights. Also, in these difficult times, CHOOSE to love your wife. Love is a choice, not a feeling. Eventually, you'll FEEL that you truly love her. Note: be patient, it takes time -- like a fine marinade.
As far as traveling the world, etc. I've done that, and while enriching, is nothing compared to the joy one has in a solid marriage and having kids.
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And screw the kids...they don't matter in any of this, right!?! 
Don't Up and Leave
