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Old 11-16-2009, 01:44 AM
 
146 posts, read 390,162 times
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I remember this article I read a couple of months ago about how to get over shyness to talk to and meet new women.

It suggested that every day for a week, you simply make eye contact with every girl you see, hold it for a second and just smile at her.

Then the next week, you do the same thing every day, and just add "hi" at the end.

Then the next week, you do the same thing every day, but add a compliment at the end.

Then the next week, you do the same things, ask a question about her and then break away.

Then the last week, you do all the same things and graduate by starting a conversation with her.

The problem is, I've been trying this a few weeks. I mean, I'll look at a girl when she's walking by or sitting down, looking away at a book or something else, but when her eyes turn towards me, I can't help but just look away. I can't maintain that glance. It's just like a reflex or instinct, like blinking at a prick or flinching at a loud noise.

How do you overcome that?
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:49 AM
 
17,752 posts, read 15,066,263 times
Reputation: 6377
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Leather Jacket View Post
I remember this article I read a couple of months ago about how to get over shyness to talk to and meet new women.

It suggested that every day for a week, you simply make eye contact with every girl you see, hold it for a second and just smile at her.

Then the next week, you do the same thing every day, and just add "hi" at the end.

Then the next week, you do the same thing every day, but add a compliment at the end.

Then the next week, you do the same things, ask a question about her and then break away.

Then the last week, you do all the same things and graduate by starting a conversation with her.

The problem is, I've been trying this a few weeks. I mean, I'll look at a girl when she's walking by or sitting down, looking away at a book or something else, but when her eyes turn towards me, I can't help but just look away. I can't maintain that glance. It's just like a reflex or instinct, like blinking at a prick or flinching at a loud noise.

How do you overcome that?
Hi BLJ.

Try looking at her forehead. Its less direct than the eyes. It may help deaden the automatic response.
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:52 AM
 
Location: Alaska
4,946 posts, read 4,348,975 times
Reputation: 7087
Try looking in the mirror into your own eyes while talking. See how long you can hold your own gaze. Just something off the top of my head.
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Old 11-16-2009, 04:00 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
16,521 posts, read 33,508,682 times
Reputation: 15260
So what is your goal? Do you want a girlfriend or just some casual hookups?

Try keeping a slight smile perpetually on your face while in public. That will give other people the impression that you are a person in a good mood.

Otherwise, I would say that I am put off by strangers with a scowl or other serious expression on their face. And if I see a strange man first and I see that as I look at him, he suddenly smiles, I would get creeped out. I don't want to be the ray of sunshine in a strange man's life, especially if I feel that he is attracted to my looks. And if he is shy or uncomfortable by nature, then I would worry about him turning into a stalker that I couldn't get rid of. But if I know that person already and we've had a good speaking encounter or two, that's completely different. IMO the technique suggested makes a man come off as rather predatory... or trying to be. And I feel that you just need to come off as a generally friendly sort of guy.

And are we talking about you sitting in your favorite cafe in your small town? What about you trying to be friendly to the staff there? And also being friendly to the other regular customers, male and female. It just seems to me that not only are you shy, but that you lack having a lot of friends in your life. You've mentioned that your guy friends are lame, so make some new ones. Think of your cafe as being like the bar on Cheers. I'd think that a woman you are attracted to might be more interested in getting to know you if you appear to be liked by the rest of the cafe. Not as in being desired by the other pretty women in there, but actually being liked by other people just because you are a good guy. I feel that you really need to approach women in a non-sexual way and just be platonic friends with them.

I would also find it creepy if the guy approaching me was only into trying to meet pretty women for the purpose of asking them out on dates. I would prefer a guy that gets along with all sorts of people and who has good platonic friendships with women. That's the sort of man that I would trust to meet as a complete stranger and then eventually spend alone time with. I don't like making friends with complete strangers. I would say that most of my new friends in the last year have come from my job. Either they are co-workers or have some other connection to the university I work with.

One of the college guys I work with has a girlfriend, but he's a good co-worker and a nice person to be around. All the other college girls love working with them. They all take breaks together and have good laughs. He's loyal to his girlfriend, and all of the good times are perfectly innocent. I think that you need to be more like him. And once you are comfortable around women, then pick out a special one to ask out on romantic dates.
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:39 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 10,694,745 times
Reputation: 9448
I was raised to make eye contact, say hello, and be polite to everyone I encounter. This habit has served me well and I have met tons of interesting people this way. Remember that old guy you say hello to may have a nice daughter, niece, co-worker, etc. Networking is a very powerful thing and this world truly is a small, inter-connected community.
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:46 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,552 posts, read 19,458,472 times
Reputation: 11473
I think you need to change the interpretation of the words "every woman" and do more of what Sunnydee described. Make eye contact with every person you encounter, which means just the ones you happen to come up on face-to-face. Then smile, slightly, like you're saying hello. Don't worry about the ones who aren't looking your way. Staring at them would be creepy.

As for dating...you're not ready yet.
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Old 11-16-2009, 07:48 AM
 
49 posts, read 71,187 times
Reputation: 50
This is what is wrong with this world.. People always judge the book by it's cover without even reading the title(hearing the person speak).

Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
So what is your goal? Do you want a girlfriend or just some casual hookups?

Try keeping a slight smile perpetually on your face while in public. That will give other people the impression that you are a person in a good mood.

Otherwise, I would say that I am put off by strangers with a scowl or other serious expression on their face. And if I see a strange man first and I see that as I look at him, he suddenly smiles, I would get creeped out. I don't want to be the ray of sunshine in a strange man's life, especially if I feel that he is attracted to my looks. And if he is shy or uncomfortable by nature, then I would worry about him turning into a stalker that I couldn't get rid of. But if I know that person already and we've had a good speaking encounter or two, that's completely different. IMO the technique suggested makes a man come off as rather predatory... or trying to be. And I feel that you just need to come off as a generally friendly sort of guy.

And are we talking about you sitting in your favorite cafe in your small town? What about you trying to be friendly to the staff there? And also being friendly to the other regular customers, male and female. It just seems to me that not only are you shy, but that you lack having a lot of friends in your life. You've mentioned that your guy friends are lame, so make some new ones. Think of your cafe as being like the bar on Cheers. I'd think that a woman you are attracted to might be more interested in getting to know you if you appear to be liked by the rest of the cafe. Not as in being desired by the other pretty women in there, but actually being liked by other people just because you are a good guy. I feel that you really need to approach women in a non-sexual way and just be platonic friends with them.

I would also find it creepy if the guy approaching me was only into trying to meet pretty women for the purpose of asking them out on dates. I would prefer a guy that gets along with all sorts of people and who has good platonic friendships with women. That's the sort of man that I would trust to meet as a complete stranger and then eventually spend alone time with. I don't like making friends with complete strangers. I would say that most of my new friends in the last year have come from my job. Either they are co-workers or have some other connection to the university I work with.

One of the college guys I work with has a girlfriend, but he's a good co-worker and a nice person to be around. All the other college girls love working with them. They all take breaks together and have good laughs. He's loyal to his girlfriend, and all of the good times are perfectly innocent. I think that you need to be more like him. And once you are comfortable around women, then pick out a special one to ask out on romantic dates.
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Old 11-16-2009, 08:44 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
16,521 posts, read 33,508,682 times
Reputation: 15260
Quote:
Originally Posted by DreamDriven View Post
This is what is wrong with this world.. People always judge the book by it's cover without even reading the title(hearing the person speak).
I completely disagree with you. Especially if we're talking about children or young women. Networking is very important. Otherwise, a vulnerable person can enter a relationship with a scam artist or other undesirable person(s). Look at what happened to that young girl going to the prom in Richmond, CA. Those guys that didn't know her as a friend, had no respect for her and so they took her out back and raped her. Or situations of war where the enemy soldiers rape the women in the towns that they have taken over.

So when dating someone new, it's so important for the woman to be respected by the man so he doesn't try to date rape her when he gets her alone. And it helps greatly if he is friends with her other friends, co-workers and/or her family. It's that sort of peer pressure that helps keep men behaving well. That and if he's raised properly by his parents.

Women have to be careful about who they meet and date because men can be such animals.

I'm really not a paranoid person, just a woman that believes in using commonsense in her everyday life. And I'm someone that has taken many solo road trips around the US and never once had any problems with assault or robbery attempts. And the people I encounter do like and remember me on later trips.
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Old 11-16-2009, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
21,518 posts, read 22,791,912 times
Reputation: 45331
Quote:
I don't want to be the ray of sunshine in a strange man's life
My friend Tasha always says similarly, "I'm not here to decorate the world for strangers" when strange men tell her to smile.

I still think the OP would benefit from getting a customer service job, like in the coffee shop, that would force him to speak and interact with people. You need to get over the idea that there's *one thing* that you can do that will flip the switch on hot babes and make them drop their pants for you.

Last edited by fleetiebelle; 11-16-2009 at 09:02 AM..
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Old 11-16-2009, 09:16 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
16,521 posts, read 33,508,682 times
Reputation: 15260
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
My friend Tasha always says similarly, "I'm not here to decorate the world for strangers" when strange men tell her to smile.

I still think the OP would benefit from getting a customer service job, like in the coffee shop, that would force him to speak and interact with people. You need to get over the idea that there's *one thing* that you can do that will flip the switch on hot babes and make them drop their pants for you.
Towards the end of my short marriage, I was the sunshine in my husband's life. His life had become very boring (having a dead end job and all his good friends moving out of town). And the best part of his day was coming home to me and listening about what I had done in the world. And I did try to get him to meet new people and find hobbies that he would enjoy. But no luck. And I never want to be in a relationship like that again.

I believe that the OP is lonely. And I also believe that one of the reasons he wants to only have a really pretty girlfriend is so that she can be a trophy to prove to the rest of the world that he isn't a loser. And that's the wrong reason to have a girlfriend. He has to be excellent all on his own first.
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