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My BF and I have been together for almost 4 years, 2 years living together. He has developed a very bad temper, though he has always had somewhat of a temper it is getting worse. He has pushed his family away and some friends, and he is working on me it seems.
Several close friends have passed away in the last 4 years and I think he is feeling some complicated loss and doesnt know how or doesnt want to deal with it.
I also have anger issues that I work on, but I am willing to work. How can I get him to want to get better? I think he also has sleep apnea or soemthing that may be a contributing factor to the issues.
I know we are not married and some people would say to just leave to avoid the problem or the pain, but I am in this with him for the long haul. I feel he is the one I am to spend my life with, and I will not just give up on him! I still have hope! He has never been physically abusive to me, and he has never been one to call names or things of that nature. But he will yell and complain about things he has no control over...weather for hunting is not good, someone elses descision to not go someplace with him, the door latch broke (this was because a bag got stuck and he ripped it away to get through, instead of taking a second to back up and fix it so he could get through.)
I am afraid of him when he is mad. And latley he is always mad. I want to see him happy, and I want to be with him.
Any advice on how to approach this with him? Its like walking on eggshells with him. I am not prepared to leave him and walk away. I think that would really only make things worse, as I think it would make him feel another person he cared for 'deserted' him. Even though people dont have control over when they die, I think he is feeling that way.
Please, any idea to help? I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
My BF and I have been together for almost 4 years, 2 years living together. He has developed a very bad temper, though he has always had somewhat of a temper it is getting worse. He has pushed his family away and some friends, and he is working on me it seems.
Several close friends have passed away in the last 4 years and I think he is feeling some complicated loss and doesnt know how or doesnt want to deal with it.
I also have anger issues that I work on, but I am willing to work. How can I get him to want to get better? I think he also has sleep apnea or soemthing that may be a contributing factor to the issues.
I know we are not married and some people would say to just leave to avoid the problem or the pain, but I am in this with him for the long haul. I feel he is the one I am to spend my life with, and I will not just give up on him! I still have hope! He has never been physically abusive to me, and he has never been one to call names or things of that nature. But he will yell and complain about things he has no control over...weather for hunting is not good, someone elses descision to not go someplace with him, the door latch broke (this was because a bag got stuck and he ripped it away to get through, instead of taking a second to back up and fix it so he could get through.)
I am afraid of him when he is mad. And latley he is always mad. I want to see him happy, and I want to be with him.
Any advice on how to approach this with him? Its like walking on eggshells with him. I am not prepared to leave him and walk away. I think that would really only make things worse, as I think it would make him feel another person he cared for 'deserted' him. Even though people dont have control over when they die, I think he is feeling that way.
Please, any idea to help? I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
Out of all the things you have said, I only wish to get this forward.
Quote:
I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
Quote:
I am afraid of him when he is mad
I am afraid of him when he is mad
I am afraid of him when he is mad
Please do yourself the favor of leaving, atleast for a while. You should not feel like this and live under the same roof as him.
Would he be willing to get a "happy pill?" I mean, they make pills for "everything" anymore. I know this may just be covering up the anger/hurt, etc. but it may work, until he is willing to talk to you, or someone else about why he is so angry all the time.
Let him know that you are here for him, and you wanna take away his "hurt." If he would be willing to open up to you, maybe the two of you could have a good heart to heart, and he would have a chance to get some of this off of his chest.
However....you should not have to be scared of him. Tell him that his actions scare you, and you wish that he could talk to you about it, instead of taking it all out in yelling at you, etc. Noone wants to live in fear! Talk to him.
My BF and I have been together for almost 4 years, 2 years living together. He has developed a very bad temper, though he has always had somewhat of a temper it is getting worse. He has pushed his family away and some friends, and he is working on me it seems.
Several close friends have passed away in the last 4 years and I think he is feeling some complicated loss and doesnt know how or doesnt want to deal with it.
I also have anger issues that I work on, but I am willing to work. How can I get him to want to get better? I think he also has sleep apnea or soemthing that may be a contributing factor to the issues.
I know we are not married and some people would say to just leave to avoid the problem or the pain, but I am in this with him for the long haul. I feel he is the one I am to spend my life with, and I will not just give up on him! I still have hope! He has never been physically abusive to me, and he has never been one to call names or things of that nature. But he will yell and complain about things he has no control over...weather for hunting is not good, someone elses descision to not go someplace with him, the door latch broke (this was because a bag got stuck and he ripped it away to get through, instead of taking a second to back up and fix it so he could get through.)
I am afraid of him when he is mad. And latley he is always mad. I want to see him happy, and I want to be with him.
Any advice on how to approach this with him? Its like walking on eggshells with him. I am not prepared to leave him and walk away. I think that would really only make things worse, as I think it would make him feel another person he cared for 'deserted' him. Even though people dont have control over when they die, I think he is feeling that way.
Please, any idea to help? I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
Not everyone deals well with stress. My dh is sounds much like your bf. When my dh gets in those moods I try to remind him that I am not the enemy and that we are supposed to get through these things together, as a team, relying on one another and helping each other get through it. Usually it works, but sometimes it does not. Sometimes he is just so bummed or stressed that there is no dealing with it and then I just give him his space and wait for it to blow over and eventually it does.
I am sorry that your bf has such a hard time with things. Obviously he has abandonment issues, probably from childhood. His parents were probably divorced and his father left and his mother was a single mom and so nobody was there for him when he needed them to be. That builds up a lot of anger and resentment. Even if he had an intact family, he could still feel that no one was there for him. It would make me angry too, I think.
Without knowing more about his background it is hard to say why he is like this. If you are in it for the long haul, it's time to learn how to deal with it on your level and realize that you cannot make someone else "better" or "happier" as that comes from inside. Your choices, basically, are the same as mine. Deal with it or walk away. It's not an easy choice, as I'm sure you realize.
You need professional support--which you should not be ashamed to ask for. There is a lot packed into your letter. Also, I highly recommend that you surround yourself with mature and caring people--people with a lot of life experience. Sometimes tackling one problem at a time, such as the insomnia by learning to do things that are relaxing, often helps. If you're not sleeping well, no wonder you are irritable. Best of luck.
My BF and I have been together for almost 4 years, 2 years living together. He has developed a very bad temper, though he has always had somewhat of a temper it is getting worse. He has pushed his family away and some friends, and he is working on me it seems.
Several close friends have passed away in the last 4 years and I think he is feeling some complicated loss and doesnt know how or doesnt want to deal with it.
I also have anger issues that I work on, but I am willing to work. How can I get him to want to get better? I think he also has sleep apnea or soemthing that may be a contributing factor to the issues.
I know we are not married and some people would say to just leave to avoid the problem or the pain, but I am in this with him for the long haul. I feel he is the one I am to spend my life with, and I will not just give up on him! I still have hope! He has never been physically abusive to me, and he has never been one to call names or things of that nature. But he will yell and complain about things he has no control over...weather for hunting is not good, someone elses descision to not go someplace with him, the door latch broke (this was because a bag got stuck and he ripped it away to get through, instead of taking a second to back up and fix it so he could get through.)
I am afraid of him when he is mad. And latley he is always mad. I want to see him happy, and I want to be with him.
Any advice on how to approach this with him? Its like walking on eggshells with him. I am not prepared to leave him and walk away. I think that would really only make things worse, as I think it would make him feel another person he cared for 'deserted' him. Even though people dont have control over when they die, I think he is feeling that way.
Please, any idea to help? I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
Get out now. This will not improve; in fact, it will get worse. Someday I will be proven right, but that's not something to gloat about. You aren't married, you are allowed to simply walk away. That is not you deserting him, that is you exercising your rights as a single woman. All of the feelings you ascribe to him are his problem. That stuff is up to him to deal with, not you.
I know you asked for us not to tell you to leave, but as some of the other have suggested, I am also going to say get out for now. I think it's the safest way to heal this relationship. If he has an anger issue with a bad temper, he could go off one day and actually hit you. I'm not saying that he will, but if you are scared, there is a reason why. I suggest moving out for a little while and seeking professional help to work through these issues together. If he refuses to go, you must go by yourself and fix yourself! Then, if he still refuses, it may be time to cut him out of your life. Someone who is not willing to work on the relationship with you is not a life long partner!
Get out now. This will not improve; in fact, it will get worse. Someday I will be proven right, but that's not something to gloat about. You aren't married, you are allowed to simply walk away. That is not you deserting him, that is you exercising your rights as a single woman. All of the feelings you ascribe to him are his problem. That stuff is up to him to deal with, not you.
Wow, cold much? Everyone will go through bad emotional spots, but if you are in it for the long term you work it out. Nothing she has said makes it look like this is a permanent problem, it looks like something to be worked on, to be gotten over. You don't just pack up and leave when the person you love needs help, just because they aren't pleasant about it.
I don't know much about his problem, but you do need help. Make sure to talk about him when he is comfortable, don't push him if he is in a foul mood because he won't be thinking clearly. When it comes to something that bugs you it is always easier to talk and be rational when you have a clear head. Try to talk to him while going for a walk. Guys tend to find it easier to talk when they don't have to make eye contact, I don't know why, but this is true. Whatever you do, do not blow up, or get angry with him when he talks about how he is feeling, and what is bugging him. It isn't easy to talk about self improvement.
Make sure to emphasize that it is a we problem not a him problem
However, if your fear is of a real threat then you should leave, if you're like me and you just hate to be around such negative vibes, then work it out if you feel you are up to it, and the relationship is worth it.
My BF and I have been together for almost 4 years, 2 years living together. He has developed a very bad temper, though he has always had somewhat of a temper it is getting worse. He has pushed his family away and some friends, and he is working on me it seems.
Several close friends have passed away in the last 4 years and I think he is feeling some complicated loss and doesnt know how or doesnt want to deal with it.
I also have anger issues that I work on, but I am willing to work. How can I get him to want to get better? I think he also has sleep apnea or soemthing that may be a contributing factor to the issues.
I know we are not married and some people would say to just leave to avoid the problem or the pain, but I am in this with him for the long haul. I feel he is the one I am to spend my life with, and I will not just give up on him! I still have hope! He has never been physically abusive to me, and he has never been one to call names or things of that nature. But he will yell and complain about things he has no control over...weather for hunting is not good, someone elses descision to not go someplace with him, the door latch broke (this was because a bag got stuck and he ripped it away to get through, instead of taking a second to back up and fix it so he could get through.)
I am afraid of him when he is mad. And latley he is always mad. I want to see him happy, and I want to be with him.
Any advice on how to approach this with him? Its like walking on eggshells with him. I am not prepared to leave him and walk away. I think that would really only make things worse, as I think it would make him feel another person he cared for 'deserted' him. Even though people dont have control over when they die, I think he is feeling that way.
Please, any idea to help? I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
I feel for you, I really do.. This isn't an easy thing to deal with, especially when it's someone who you care deeply about.
Let me take a few things you said here one at a time:
He has developed a very bad temper, though he has always had somewhat of a temper it is getting worse.
The things that you describe here aren't what most people would call a normal "temper". This is an anger management problem.
I think that I can say this with confidence: He's always irritable and tired. He doesn't have the energy now that he used to, and, in fact, has grown distant, almost as if he's disconnected himself from the world. Still, he puts on a grand facade when he needs do, and to most, he acts just like everyone else. Am I close?
Which leads me to this:
Several close friends have passed away in the last 4 years and I think he is feeling some complicated loss and doesnt know how or doesnt want to deal with it.
Death of a close friend is something that's always had to deal with. When it's more than one, especially in that short of time, it's damn near impossible to handle.
There's a lot of things that he's feeling inside, and most of them he's not going to talk to you about. In fact, you may never know what all he's feeling.
Thing is, he's depressed. A lot of what you've said makes this almost crystal clear. As long as he keeps hiding away in his own little world, so to speak, he'll never feel better, and his anger will only grow more intense.
I know we are not married and some people would say to just leave to avoid the problem or the pain, but I am in this with him for the long haul.
So, what do you do about it? Obviously, if you love him, I'm not going to tell you to leave him because of this. You said that he has never gotten violent towards you or anyone else, it has always been directed towards inanimate objects. As long as that's as far as it goes, there is hope. But, and I will emphasize this strongly, as soon as you feel that you're in danger, or he shows signs that he could physically or verbally hurt you, get out. Period. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 broken bones.
Got it? Good.
First things first, immediately get him professional help. Don't be ashamed of it, and don't let him feel ashamed that he needs it. These guys know what they are doing, and they'll help the both of you overcome all of this. He's not going to admit that he needs help, and, in fact, will vehemently deny that he does, but it's up to you to convince him that both of you need it if you are going to be able to make this relationship work.
Second, learn how to really talk to him about things. Learn how to communicate. It's more than just words. Show him that you love him, and that you're going to help him get through things. Let him know how afraid you get when he gets angry, and how much it hurts you. Let him know that he's generally a good guy, that all of this is just a single moment in time, and that it will pass. It always does.
Third, take care of yourself. You're never going to be able to help him unless you can first help yourself.
Which brings me to this:
I also have anger issues that I work on, but I am willing to work.....I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
You have to decide right now that you're going to make a change in your life. Even though you care for him, he is not in control of your life. He may have an influence, but at this point, his influence should be minimal. He's not in a position mentally or emotionally to be the leader in this relationship. It is up to you to make a change, and if that eventually means leaving him, so be it. If he drags you down into his depression, you're not going to be able to help anyone.
And now for this...
I am afraid of him when he is mad. And latley he is always mad.
I want you to read this again:
I am afraid of him when he is mad. And latley he is always mad.
This is why you both need to get professional help immediately. I won't sugar coat things and say that it will all get better - because it won't. In fact, if nothing is done, it'll get worse. A lot worse. If you have to drag him kicking and screaming to go get help, then do it. If you don't.. well, this is an explosive situation, and I don't want you to get hurt by it.
First thing off I want to say, his parents were never divorced and his siblings do not report any type of abuse or anything like that. I talk to his sister quite a bit to try to figure out how to deal with all of this.
I will try to find a good time to talk to him, and I know if need be, I have to leave. I just dont think leaving will help anyone really in the long run.
My fear of his temper comes from previous relationships that were abusive, but they struck and he never, ever has even flinched as if to do it.
Thanks for all your input, I will continue to check back to see more comments and answer questions you might need answered.
Thanks again, I really appreciate it.
But I am not going to even consider leaving at this point.
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I am having prolems sleeping and I eat too much to cover up my hurt...which makes me feel crappy myself.
I know this may just be covering up the anger/hurt, etc. but it may work, until he is willing to talk to you, or someone else about why he is so angry all the time. 
