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Old 05-15-2007, 06:49 PM
 
5 posts, read 12,411 times
Reputation: 12

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Hey all,

I have dated a guy for almost a year. He is a great guy -- nice and considerate. However, he has a temper problem which made me break up with him for a couple times. Well we got back together every time after we broke up. But I really need to consider if I should continue the relationship with him or not. The most difficult part for me is to put up with his temper. Every time after we broke up, he would call me and told me that he felt sorry that he was hot-tempered and he said he is going to change. However, of course he would not change. He said that if I really love him, I should support him and be patient for his temper. Below are the examples that made me have difficulties to get along well with him.

He would get very angry when he got lost while driving. When he drives the car and gets lost, he would be very pissed off. He kept saying a lot of bad words and drove very fast in order to express his anger. I was sitting next to him and got very scared. I was worried that he would get car accident by driving that fast. To my mind, I thought it's not a big deal to get lost, everybody will have a chance to get lost.

Actually he likes to ruin the good time when we were together (maybe he didn't mean to ruin it but he did it). One time we went hiking, it's supposed to be having a good time. We did until we got lost. He got pissed off. I told him to calm down and tried to tell him that it's okay, the sky was still bright, so we have plent of time to find our ways out. However, he was very very angry and he walked very fast trying to find the ways, I was walking behind him, he didn't care about me, he kept walking very fast even though I was far behind him. He kept saying a lot of bad words while we were trying to find the way out. He stepped his sunglasses into pieces on the ground in order to express his anger. I was so scared and upset. I thought to myself what's a big deal to get lost... no reason to get that angry.

Those are just some of examples of how he behaves when he gets angry. I don't know what to do. He is right that if I love him very much, I should put up with his temper, but I am not sure if I can really put up with his. I don't know if he can really change his temper, I doubt it. I don't know what to do.
Should I continue this relationship or not?

Ann
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Old 05-15-2007, 07:02 PM
 
12,392 posts, read 14,894,057 times
Reputation: 14598
Default csknat

Speaking of getting lost..Tell him to get lost..His anger sounds dangerous.Don't be fooled into thinking you can change him. Don't feel sorry for him..There's an old saying that goes "the more things change, the more they stay the same..
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Old 05-15-2007, 07:40 PM
 
1,227 posts, read 4,189,690 times
Reputation: 487
Default Run, do not walk

away from this guy. This is not normal behavior. Let's put his statement in the reverse: If he loves you so much and he knows his anger concerns you, what has he done about it? Your patience and love won't cause any change. He needs to acknowledge his vice and seek help (not because you ask so), but because he wants to change his behavior.
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Old 05-15-2007, 07:59 PM
 
2,218 posts, read 3,828,901 times
Reputation: 1638
Not only does the thing about his anger worry me, but the fact that he drives like the way he does when he's mad. When I'm mad I drive the speed limit. It gives me more time to think about why I'm mad. I rarely get mad, but I do get naggy when I worry about people. (I'm a dude) It's a rarity, but if I get mad at someone I try to tell them straight up why I'm mad. Which is usually because they won't tell me why they are mad at me. Which really bothers me.
If he's going to be mad while driving he should do it by himself on a road with no one around. He doesn't have to hurt others because he's mad at being lost. What a jerk.

If he really loved you he would of gave up with his anger the first time you left him. I'd say live and let go. If he loved you he would of decided that he wanted you more than to be angry at everything.
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Old 05-15-2007, 09:26 PM
 
Location: Lake Forest, CA
1,824 posts, read 5,179,059 times
Reputation: 2124
Everyone gets mad once in awhile, sometimes at themselves for doing something dumb or making a mistake, and sometimes at others for this or that. Getting mad once in awhile is human nature and part of life. What's not right or normal is people that get mad and then spin off into some kind of trance or boiling rage and lose their sense of self control. Yelling like a maniac, throwing stuff around, the fast driving bit, getting into a rage like a volcano before exploding, that's the stuff that is not normal. I know, my father would get like that once in awhile when I was a kid. When that happened, didn't want to be anywhere near the guy, it was look for the door and get the hell away. He became schitzophrenic at a later age and lost a lot of the ability to act rational with other people. This is something that just doesn't get parked away, there's a chance that some behavior reactions are mis-wired somewhere in the minds of some people. Don't know for sure in your case but don't discount the chance either.
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Old 05-15-2007, 09:36 PM
 
Location: Westwood/Cheviot
292 posts, read 667,042 times
Reputation: 224
Default Yes. Character can change.

It will take many years. It takes much counseling and a great reduction in ego. What steps is he taking to change? Is he going to counseling as part of his plan to change? Is he doing what the counselor suggested? Or is he going to will himself change?

Look up the definitions of nice and considerate. I don't think rage and having a temper is those definitions. A considerate person would listen to your explanation of the beauty of the day.

My humble opinion,

Zorst
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Old 05-15-2007, 10:18 PM
 
Location: Georgia
50 posts, read 178,969 times
Reputation: 34
Please save yourself a lot of years of heart ache, mental anguish and worst of all ... PHYSICAL ABUSE. YOU cannot change him, this is what people who are bad relationships always say, that maybe he will change. Don't waist your time. These are all the signs of an abuser. It starts with the yelling, snapping at you, then name calling, and then soon as he has you where he wants you then the hitting starts, and you will be saying to yourself, damn, I knew he had a bad temper, but I never thought.... Run now, tell this guy to get lost.
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Old 05-15-2007, 11:03 PM
 
5 posts, read 12,411 times
Reputation: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorst View Post
It will take many years. It takes much counseling and a great reduction in ego. What steps is he taking to change? Is he going to counseling as part of his plan to change? Is he doing what the counselor suggested? Or is he going to will himself change?

Look up the definitions of nice and considerate. I don't think rage and having a temper is those definitions. A considerate person would listen to your explanation of the beauty of the day.

My humble opinion,

Zorst

He said he would change. But it doesn't look like that he would take any counseling or talk to the counselor. He suggested that when he got angry or yelling (in case he got lost while driving), I should keep calm and just let him get over it. I don't know if I could do that or not. In fact, I have no friends or no family members like him, I mean like him that crazy. When he got angry and yelling while driving, I got nervous and wanted to stay away from him immediately. He also suggested that I could help him to prevent him from getting angry, for example be prepared when we go to visit somewhere, make sure we won't get lost. I did what he said but he would be angry for something else. For example, when people drive slow in front of him, he gets pissed off. I didn't know this dark side of him when I first met him, I thought he was a gentle and calm person. However, it seems that he could not control himself. I have to do a lot of things in order to prevent him from being angry over some little things. That's tough for me.

Thank you for all the replies on my case.

Ann
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Old 05-15-2007, 11:06 PM
 
Location: Georgia
50 posts, read 178,969 times
Reputation: 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by csknat View Post
He said he would change. But it doesn't look like that he would take any counseling or talk to the counselor. He suggested that when he got angry or yelling (in case he got lost while driving), I should keep calm and just let him get over it. I don't know if I could do that or not. In fact, I have no friends or no family members like him, I mean like him that crazy. When he got angry and yelling while driving, I got nervous and wanted to stay away from him immediately. He also suggested that I could help him to prevent him from getting angry, for example be prepared when we go to visit somewhere, make sure we won't get lost. I did what he said but he would be angry for something else. For example, when people drive slow in front of him, he gets pissed off. I didn't know this dark side of him when I first met him, I thought he was a gentle and calm person. However, it seems that he could not control himself. I have to do a lot of things in order to prevent him from being angry over some little things. That's tough for me.

Thank you for all the replies on my case.

Ann
Ann please run from this guy, it's not YOUR job to prevent him from getting angry, or make sure you guys don't get lost? C'mon, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Sounds like your already afraid of him. This really worries me. Believe me I've been there.
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Old 05-15-2007, 11:14 PM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
14,943 posts, read 25,064,932 times
Reputation: 13125
Well you could always get the guy a compass. Maybe a map? Or even get him to take a compass course! Next time tell him to go "that way" and you turn around and go back to the car! Call the rescue team once your safely out of state!
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