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Old 11-25-2009, 10:41 PM
 
2,186 posts, read 2,996,615 times
Reputation: 1875
Default Being "Submissive" In Relationships...

In most of my relationships, I've noticed a particular trend in the men that I've dated. Most of the guys I've been with have kind of been on the controlling side. My dad is extremely passive & he let my mother do whatever she wanted, thankfully my mother is a good woman & never ran over him but still, I don't know why I tend to go out w/ guys who get pretty jealous & can be semi-territorial/controlling at times. My last boyfriend was really jealous & he actually shoved me during an argument, needless to say I broke up w/ him after that.

My personality is kind of quiet, meek, & shy (at first) but still friendly...I am still semi-timid but not so much. I am confident, not insecure but I feel that sometimes most men look at me like I'm weak. My best friend even told me that she thinks I'm "submissive" & that I need to "toughen up" (however, she's extremely blunt & can have an attitude from time to time)...When I say submissive, I mean: kind of passive, letting the guy take control of most things, I'm not a ballcrusher lol, I like for the guy to be the guy, I'm kind of old-fashioned...

Anyways, I guess my question is: is being submissive a bad thing in these modern relationships & should I stop "being that way"?

 
Old 11-25-2009, 10:45 PM
 
Location: The High Seas
5,621 posts, read 6,943,364 times
Reputation: 6359
Marriage is in your future. Men, in general, don't marry the ballcrushers. They marry women who don't complicate their lives more than necessary.
 
Old 11-25-2009, 11:22 PM
 
12,607 posts, read 8,058,864 times
Reputation: 4698
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanteuse d' Opéra View Post
In most of my relationships, I've noticed a particular trend in the men that I've dated. Most of the guys I've been with have kind of been on the controlling side. My dad is extremely passive & he let my mother do whatever she wanted, thankfully my mother is a good woman & never ran over him but still, I don't know why I tend to go out w/ guys who get pretty jealous & can be semi-territorial/controlling at times. My last boyfriend was really jealous & he actually shoved me during an argument, needless to say I broke up w/ him after that.

My personality is kind of quiet, meek, & shy (at first) but still friendly...I am still semi-timid but not so much. I am confident, not insecure but I feel that sometimes most men look at me like I'm weak. My best friend even told me that she thinks I'm "submissive" & that I need to "toughen up" (however, she's extremely blunt & can have an attitude from time to time)...When I say submissive, I mean: kind of passive, letting the guy take control of most things, I'm not a ballcrusher lol, I like for the guy to be the guy, I'm kind of old-fashioned...

Anyways, I guess my question is: is being submissive a bad thing in these modern relationships & should I stop "being that way"?


Hi Chanteuse d' Opéra,

First of all controlling or abusive men are not strong men. They are expressing fear. Confident men are relaxed and beyond panic. The last thing they do is lash out at a women. He should more or less systematically resolve real issues and ignore any artificial drama.

As for a woman not being submissive? If any women had attraction to me then it is very likely that she would be submissive. It tends to be the female mental state under those circumstances. Her attraction to me and her submissiveness are linked. Women like confidence because in general they are the more worried of the two. The best way to have a women fall out of love with you is to start acting like a nervous child. So in my case, if any women is attracted to me and she wants to be the more dominant, she is screwed because I know better than to let her lose from what creates the attraction. If a woman really thinks of you as an "equal" then she probably doesn't love you. Of course if this power is not used to give the best possible life you can to a women, then you are a bum.
 
Old 11-25-2009, 11:36 PM
 
4,215 posts, read 10,047,079 times
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I think in a relationship, especially in marriage, you wil have one spouse that has the more dominant personality than the other. I'm generalizing of course but I think this kind of dynamic is pretty common. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I think it's important for couples to be aware of their "roles" in the relationship especially when trying to resolve conflicts. We all react to situations differently and trying to understand where the other person is coming from may help resolve an issue without escalating the situation.
 
Old 11-26-2009, 01:37 AM
 
1,323 posts, read 1,358,946 times
Reputation: 1440
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanteuse d' Opéra View Post
In most of my relationships, I've noticed a particular trend in the men that I've dated. Most of the guys I've been with have kind of been on the controlling side. My dad is extremely passive & he let my mother do whatever she wanted, thankfully my mother is a good woman & never ran over him but still, I don't know why I tend to go out w/ guys who get pretty jealous & can be semi-territorial/controlling at times. My last boyfriend was really jealous & he actually shoved me during an argument, needless to say I broke up w/ him after that.

My personality is kind of quiet, meek, & shy (at first) but still friendly...I am still semi-timid but not so much. I am confident, not insecure but I feel that sometimes most men look at me like I'm weak. My best friend even told me that she thinks I'm "submissive" & that I need to "toughen up" (however, she's extremely blunt & can have an attitude from time to time)...When I say submissive, I mean: kind of passive, letting the guy take control of most things, I'm not a ballcrusher lol, I like for the guy to be the guy, I'm kind of old-fashioned...

Anyways, I guess my question is: is being submissive a bad thing in these modern relationships & should I stop "being that way"?
Being passive isn't a bad thing at all.. Some of the strongest characters throughout our history have been passive.

At the same time, passive does not equal a pushover.

Even though you consider yourself passive, I believe that you have a strong personality - normally. In other words, you know who you are, and, as much is as possible, you know what you want out of life. That's not a bad thing at all..

When it comes to men though, you do have to learn to be a little more assertive. I think that you're attracted towards "confident" men, but there's a difference between true confidence and just the facade of confidence. That's something that you have to learn to distinguish.

Either way, don't EVER let a man push you around. You can let someone else take the lead, but when physical or mental abuse comes into play, that's the time to stand up and be a "ball-crusher" - literally. You're an amazing person, and you don't deserve to be treated like that from anyone. Period.

You'll find the perfect man, he's out there, of that I have no doubt.

I wish you the best.
 
Old 11-26-2009, 02:19 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 1,072,334 times
Reputation: 1022
Tried to rep you UB. Great post.
 
Old 11-26-2009, 02:43 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,921,025 times
Reputation: 6094
being submissive is only a problem if you let it get to be one.

we're animals after all, go to the zoo and watch them. they have their pecking order, there's the alpha male, he's in charge. then, the alpha female, and on down the tree.
in some species, it's actually the alpha female who runs the show.
in terms of society, we've moved away from this now, but, in terms of instinct, probably not.

point is, it's human nature that one person will always be stronger in some ways than another.
what you have to ask is whether you feel you're being submissive, or your partner is being controlling.

all i can suggest is to gradually take steps to build up your confidence, start with simple things like "honey, i don't want (....) for dinner tonite, can we have (....)?"
it may sound obvious, and a little patronising, but if you take small steps to challenge what you perceive as "authority", then eventually you can go on and start the revolution which will change the world !!
 
Old 11-26-2009, 05:50 AM
 
176 posts, read 326,004 times
Reputation: 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanteuse d' Opéra View Post
In most of my relationships, I've noticed a particular trend in the men that I've dated. Most of the guys I've been with have kind of been on the controlling side. My dad is extremely passive & he let my mother do whatever she wanted, thankfully my mother is a good woman & never ran over him but still, I don't know why I tend to go out w/ guys who get pretty jealous & can be semi-territorial/controlling at times. My last boyfriend was really jealous & he actually shoved me during an argument, needless to say I broke up w/ him after that.

My personality is kind of quiet, meek, & shy (at first) but still friendly...I am still semi-timid but not so much. I am confident, not insecure but I feel that sometimes most men look at me like I'm weak. My best friend even told me that she thinks I'm "submissive" & that I need to "toughen up" (however, she's extremely blunt & can have an attitude from time to time)...When I say submissive, I mean: kind of passive, letting the guy take control of most things, I'm not a ballcrusher lol, I like for the guy to be the guy, I'm kind of old-fashioned...

Anyways, I guess my question is: is being submissive a bad thing in these modern relationships & should I stop "being that way"?
There is a difference between being passive, and submissive. I am very passive when it comes to descisions, and how things are ran. Because most of the time i honestly don't care. Want to paint the kitchen white? Sure, that's not going to stop me from eating in it. There are certain times i will put my foot down and say "No, that's not going to happen" but most of the time i couldn't care less about some descisions. So if it makes her happy, i'll just let her do it.

When it comes to other areas, I have very many dominant traits in me. So Passive and Dominant is very possible. So is passive and submissive , etc.

There is nothing wrong with being passive. In most relationship one of them is the more passive of the two.

[Edited] : I used to be in a relationship where we were both Dominant, It worked really well because most things i let her run the show. But when i did put my foot down, we did have some very heated arguments. The sex was fantastic though, both being dominant.
 
Old 11-26-2009, 06:07 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,992 posts, read 21,778,067 times
Reputation: 10143
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynedd1 View Post
As for a woman not being submissive? If any women had attraction to me then it is very likely that she would be submissive. It tends to be the female mental state under those circumstances. Her attraction to me and her submissiveness are linked. Women like confidence because in general they are the more worried of the two. The best way to have a women fall out of love with you is to start acting like a nervous child. So in my case, if any women is attracted to me and she wants to be the more dominant, she is screwed because I know better than to let her lose from what creates the attraction. If a woman really thinks of you as an "equal" then she probably doesn't love you. Of course if this power is not used to give the best possible life you can to a women, then you are a bum.
NO!!! I want my man and I to be equals. I want us to go through life as equal partners where there is equal respect on both sides, good friendly discussions about any topic or issue, and trust that the other partner can make a sound decision affecting the both of us on their own. I would want my man to appreciate my intelligence and integrity and not get all bent out of shape if I made decisions on my own. And I would want to feel the same way about him. Being equals works for me, but then again I am a college educated modern woman.
 
Old 11-26-2009, 06:10 AM
 
176 posts, read 326,004 times
Reputation: 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
NO!!! I want my man and I to be equals. I want us to go through life as equal partners where there is equal respect on both sides, good friendly discussions about any topic or issue, and trust that the other partner can make a sound decision affecting the both of us on their own. I would want my man to appreciate my intelligence and integrity and not get all bent out of shape if I made decisions on my own. And I would want to feel the same way about him. Being equals works for me, but then again I am a college educated modern woman.
Great post. In my opinion any relationship nowadays should be built upon being equal. Thinking the woman as anything less died away years ago. You're equal in your relationship, you both work and do your best to keep the relationship working. Make descisions together, and respect eachother as individuals, and equals.
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