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I agree that it is ignorant to say that someone who is abused doesn't deserve to have new arelationship or that they "allowed" themsselves t be abused. Congradulations on never getting into such a relationship but shame on you for being so insensitive to something you clearly understand little about. No one wants to be abused, but htey live in a constant state of fear. The sad but true stats of women killed trying to escape an abusive relationship is proof that their fear is justified. Abusers are very dangerous people. And whether you believe it or not, it is not as easy as packing a bag and walking away.
I definitely didn't say abused women do not deserve to be in a new relationship. They deserve love and acceptance, but it can come from friends and family, not necessarily from a new man right away. They do not deserve to be in another bad relationship but that is what they often get into right after an abuser. If it took yrs to become co-dependent, it will take yrs to unravel, work thru one's issues, and become healthy. This is what every therapist tells their clients. No one can possibly be in a healthy relationship unless one is healthy already. Studies have been done with a woman who is used to dating alcoholics attending a party filled with 30 men and she picks the one and only one that is alcoholic. Without knowing any of the men.
If a man or woman is healthy, they should really seek healthy individuals vs someone seriously co-dependent. Who you select as a partner SPEAKS VOLUMES about YOU, as much as about your partner.
Someone who has been with an abuser IS co-dependent and dysfunctional, though in a different way from the abuser. It takes two to tango: the abuser needs a victim. Both are dysfunctional. Both unhealthy! The attraction between the two is not love, but the attempt to fulfill unmet childhood needs and a re-enactment of those past issues.
A lot of men posting here cite if she is "hot" they'd date her. Dating is very different from marrying or long-term commitments, where people's real issues surface. Then the drama begins.
Get healthy, then get involved. It's better for you, your kids, your potential partner, and everyone around you.
I think you're being harsh with HansProof. There is almost no way that years of putting up with abuse isn't going to mess up someone's mind. It might not mean the victim was messed up before the abuse and it doesn't mean he/she cannot recover but living in an abusive relationship messes most people up.
That's why it's better for those trying to heal not to jump right back into dating.
And it would be impossible to heal unless you took the opportunity to have a better sort of relationship. Being "alone" isn't going to serve to heal you.
I agree that it is ignorant to say that someone who is abused doesn't deserve to have new arelationship or that they "allowed" themsselves t be abused. Congradulations on never getting into such a relationship but shame on you for being so insensitive to something you clearly understand little about. No one wants to be abused, but htey live in a constant state of fear. The sad but true stats of women killed trying to escape an abusive relationship is proof that their fear is justified. Abusers are very dangerous people. And whether you believe it or not, it is not as easy as packing a bag and walking away.
But starting up a new relationship when there's an abuser still in the picture provokes jealousy and stirs up dangerous emotions. Love triangles are the worst for bringing on abuse.
It's not that the victim doesn't "deserve" to be in a relationship, it's that he or she must heal first. He or she must put some time and distance between the former lover and a new lover.
And it would be impossible to heal unless you took the opportunity to have a better sort of relationship. Being "alone" isn't going to serve to heal you.
Why not? There's a big problem with "rebound" relationships and when someone's self-esteem is low, it's not a good time to start any new relationship. In order to love another, one must first love one'self.
The problem when someone is still in victim mode, they will attract the knight in shining armor types, the "rescuers" and that's the very last type they should be with. No - the victim needs to be liberated and free first, there must be time to heal, a time for self-exploration and development. One doesn't learn to be strong when staying dependent on this person or that person.
I mentioned this woman in a previous thread. She had an abusive partner who basically ruined her credit and caused her to accumulate tickets that have gone into warrant status. She is working on paying them but she is far from being done paying and is not able to drive until that is taken care of. She has basically hit rock bottom. She is no longer with this man and is completely done with him, but she has a long road ahead of her to recover financially.
She says she is ready to date, but she is afraid of being rejected because of her situation. I wondered if it was a matter of not feeling worthy after being in such a relationship, but it really seems more like she is embarrassed about her situation.
Would you men be opposed to being with someone in this position? If so, why?
Would you still be opposed once she took care of her business, but still had bad credit?
Keep in mind, I am not talking about supporting her financially or getting her out of her rut.
I think I'd be just friends with her, at least until she got over it, mentally. After that, if she was a cool person and we hit it off, it really wouldn't be an issue, so my answer is "yes".
You don't heal, you stagnate. You need the exposure to a relationship that ISN'T abusive, to realize what it could be.
People talk about "rebound relationships"--unless you're only in ONE relationship your entire life, every relationship you enter is going to be a "rebound" from the last one you were in. Even if you put 20 years in between them, it's still a "rebound".
And there's nothing wrong with "rebounding"--it's much better than lying on the floor like a deflated basketball.
You don't heal, you stagnate. You need the exposure to a relationship that ISN'T abusive, to realize what it could be.
People talk about "rebound relationships"--unless you're only in ONE relationship your entire life, every relationship you enter is going to be a "rebound" from the last one you were in. Even if you put 20 years in between them, it's still a "rebound".
And there's nothing wrong with "rebounding"--it's much better than lying on the floor like a deflated basketball.
I suppose the victim could get too used to being independent and may never see the need be in any relationship again, no more drama, no more abuse. I don't think that means stagnate however.
For some reason, being in a relationship with someone is seen as normative. I'm not currently in any sort of relationship, and won't be until someone decides that they want to be in one with me. I'm perfectly content by myself, but if the opportunity presents itself, I'm willing to give it a try. I've never felt the need to be in a relationship--but I'm not seen as "normal" either.
You don't heal, you stagnate. You need the exposure to a relationship that ISN'T abusive, to realize what it could be.
People talk about "rebound relationships"--unless you're only in ONE relationship your entire life, every relationship you enter is going to be a "rebound" from the last one you were in. Even if you put 20 years in between them, it's still a "rebound".
And there's nothing wrong with "rebounding"--it's much better than lying on the floor like a deflated basketball.
You can't rely on someone else to "heal you" That's the craziest nonsense I ever heard. Who the heck gets into a relationship to be sombody's psycologist?
That kind of thinking is only going to have her ending up with sonebody worse
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