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Old 12-04-2009, 10:34 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,796,099 times
Reputation: 7873
Quote:
Originally Posted by smartalx View Post
So is this true? If a man is submissive towards his wife it's bad. If a woman is submissive towards her husband it's not bad.

Why or why not?
I think it goes back to Biblical times. I personally don't know a lot of couples that have submissive wives outside my church.
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Old 12-04-2009, 10:51 AM
 
12,607 posts, read 8,058,864 times
Reputation: 4699
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
I know, huh? Unfortunately, some guys can seem so wonderful at first. The advice my mother always gave me as a teen, was this, "You never really know a person 'til the door hits 'em in the a$$." You really don't. Unfortunately, I was raised thinking that you didn't live with someone before you marry them.....and churches most definitely frowned on it. You were living in sin if you did a trial run. Well...after a failed first marriage at a very young age (after the door hit him in the a$$), I made the decision to do the trial run.....for 2 years. It seriously took that long to get to know him and decide if I was going to be able to be married again and live with this person. I'm glad for that trial run...28 years later. LOL Oh yeah, I didn't make any babies either.....lol...until I knew he wasn't a waste of space!

Hi beachmel,

It is the likes of you on which our civilization depends.
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Old 12-04-2009, 12:14 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
2,118 posts, read 2,518,445 times
Reputation: 1500
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
There is a difference between being submissive and being a doormat. Some men/women can be submissive in the bedroom but "Captains of Industry" in their life outside the bedroom. If you're speaking in general non-specific terms, then so long as both parties are happy I guess there isn't a problem. The problem comes when that submissive party decides he or she suddenly wants to assert themselves out of the blue. Their spouse has grown accustomed to the submissive partner, now all of the sudden the roles are changing and it creates confusion and dissention.
Whoops. I've experienced that one.
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Old 12-04-2009, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,172,974 times
Reputation: 19148
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynedd1 View Post
Hi beachmel,

It is the likes of you on which our civilization depends.
????????
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Old 12-04-2009, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Houston, Texas
1,082 posts, read 873,253 times
Reputation: 480
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Well...after a failed first marriage at a very young age (after the door hit him in the a$$), I made the decision to do the trial run.....for 2 years. It seriously took that long to get to know him and decide if I was going to be able to be married again and live with this person. I'm glad for that trial run...28 years later.
Sociological Reasons Not to Live Together
Quote:
Those who have "trial" marriages do not have better marriages.
Trial runs or half steps, to test whether the relationship "works" are not successful, in fact quite the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who live together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction than those who do not cohabit and they have weaker marriages, not stronger ones.
I'd like to add that the conclusions reached by the link are supported by the findings of a Columbia University study, a Yale University study, the National Survey of Families and Households, based on interviews with 13,000 people, and more studies. The findings are scientifically based.

Really read that article before you argue about cohabitation. It has a lot to say about it and you should at least familiarize yourself with the points your opposition will make.

I know your experience tells you that you are right. But for every experience such as yours there are 2 couples with experiences like this one
Quote:
I've always said that the first year my wife and I were married was the hardest period in our relationship. We met in high school and have been married since 1986, but we lived together for five years previous to that. I really believe that period did not teach us anything about each other. Being married was a commitment where living together could end with as little as a note on the kitchen table. Take my advice and get married and don't waste time with shacking up.
-http://www.livescience.com/culture/090714-cohabit-couples.html#comments

Last edited by smartalx; 12-04-2009 at 04:41 PM..
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Old 12-04-2009, 04:59 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,238 posts, read 26,298,625 times
Reputation: 10565
By the same token, you could say you can't as easily mutually decide to break up a relationship, once shackled by marriage.
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Old 12-04-2009, 05:09 PM
 
Location: Houston, Texas
1,082 posts, read 873,253 times
Reputation: 480
Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar View Post
By the same token, you could say you can't as easily mutually decide to break up a relationship, once shackled by marriage.
Of course knowing this would make getting married too soon stupid. Obviously you shouldn't take marriage lightly. You'll take cohabitation more lightly because you can break it off any time. Then, because you have "proven" you can live together you think all will be well after you marry. But in a post-cohabitation marriage you don't have the same level of commitment than a couple who did not live together first. Cohabitation costs you the meaning and power of "the marriage commitment." You don't feel it as much. Those who cohabitate before marriage enter into a serious commitment before they are ready. But they don't feel the commitment yet. They test it. A test is all about doubt. The whole relationship is built upon a weak foundation of doubt. Then (after you are married) when you reach a circumstance that tests your marriage, had you not lived together beforehand you would be able to say, "the marriage is too important. I am committed to making this marriage work and I am going to do whatever it takes to make things right." Many couples who live together first don't feel the power of that statement as much. Their relationship was built upon distrust, rather than trust.
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Old 12-04-2009, 05:23 PM
 
19,081 posts, read 11,982,502 times
Reputation: 13226
It is true that those that cohabitate divorce at higher rates. But, I also have to wonder about age and SES.
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Old 12-04-2009, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,172,974 times
Reputation: 19148
Okay..... I read the article...and it makes some good points. The whole thing in a nutshell here is this... I married very young. The man I married was a kind and attentive date/fiance, however, almost immediately after signing the marriage license, became my "master", I his servant. This went on for 1 1/2 years...what to wear, how to wear my hair and so on and so forth. It was cruel and it was ugly. I moved out and moved away and divorce papers were filed.

Enter current hubby over a year later. Nice guy....yep (so was the first one, before we got married). I laid my heart, feelings, and beliefs on the line. We went through a whole lot of trials and tribulations, spitting and spatting, gonna leave, gonna stay, etc. It was a major trust issue. The research states that couples who cohabitate generally do not get married. Well....sorry, but duh! If I would have lived with my ex-husband before I married him, it's highly unlikely that I would have married HIM. Only by living with my husband, going through some tough and ugly times and making it through, was I able to determine that I was ready to make that committment. Can I say, with 100% certainty that we would have divorced if we hadn't lived together? No, I absolutely can not. All I know is that I was far too vulnerable and distrustful of ANY man, after that first Jekyl & Hyde marriage, to jump into anything permanent.....I needed to be able to simply walk away if it got abusive and ugly.....free, no paperwork, no "ownership" clause.

Honestly, I have no regrets whatsoever about my decision. We're headed for nearly 3 decades together....no cheating...just knowing that we compliment and respect each other greatly and are best friends. I giggle like a school girl sometimes when we're at social gatherings, when folks say, "You two are so cute...seeing you look at each other across the room, I can't believe you've been together for so long....the love in your eyes when you look at each other is just amazing...you can FEEL it." It's real....and as I said, I have no regrets, nothing to defend. It's not always sunshine and roses...yeah, there is an occasional thorn now and then, we do have a bunch of kids ya know, LOL, but there is never anything we can't work out, together.
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Old 12-04-2009, 06:11 PM
 
Location: southern california
49,286 posts, read 45,802,045 times
Reputation: 40373
very little submissive out there, mostly passive aggressive.
signed
mr passive aggressive
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