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Old 12-03-2009, 02:50 PM
 
20 posts, read 119,445 times
Reputation: 18

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I have been married for 8 years and have always been the one in our marriage who has held a steady, good paying job with health insurance. My husband has proved himself to be incapable of handling finances. For years we had a joint checking account. He would routinely withdraw money without discussing it with me before or after and he also had a habit of authorizing electronic payments for various bills when he knew there would not be money in the account to cover.

I have been at my job for almost 12 years. He has jumped from one job to the next. Last year he made $9000. This year will probably be even less because he insisted that he should start his own home improvement business and has not done as well as he thought he would. Earlier this year, he took our state and federal income tax returns and put them into his business bank account without discussing the matter with me. It was then that I stopped depositing my paycheck into our joint account and got my own account that he has no access to.

I pay for everything -- rent, utilities, gas, food, clothing, etc. With colder weather upon us, my husband has no prospects for any work in the near future. His source of income through the winter has typically been to use money from my paycheck to pay for his 3 bowling leagues where he often wins jackpots, sometimes as much as $300-400 when he does really well. He thinks that this is contributing to our household expenses when in fact, when he does win money, it is spent going out to eat, doing fun things with our child and rarely is put toward an expense like the rent or car insurance.

I grew up in a household where my father, an accountant, doled out the money to my mom. I saw how she felt constrained by this and I never wanted a husband who did this with me. But now I find myself having to be like my father was. In my situation, my husband has shown that he cannot be trusted with money. He is unhappy about this, of course, but I am not willing to go back to a joint account that he can freely withdraw from. Due to his unstable employment, I have had to take out payday loans for the past 7 months. I was close to being out of the vicious circle that became but then my husband asked me for $400 to pay one of his friends, who had helped him with some of his work. Work for which my husband has yet to be paid for himself.

I am very resentful of my husband. I work full-time. He is home while I am at work. We have a 5-year old in half-day kindergarten who is home with him two afternoons/week but goes to an after-school program (which we pay for) the other three days. My husband does not clean the house, do laundry, make dinner or even clean up after himself. He will do something if I ask, like if I remind him to start the dishwasher, he will. He is getting to spend more time with our child than I do. If our financial situation were better, if he were the breadwinner, I would be able to work part-time at my job and have that time with our child.

How do I let go of my resentment toward him? He is not one to discuss anything, I often feel alone and I find myself confiding in him less and less. To add to all of this, I have suspected in the past two years that he cheated on me. He knows my suspicions. Whenever I approach the subject he just flat out denies that anything happened but I have some pretty solid evidence that he just chooses to ignore. I have considered divorce. I think about it almost every day. I haven't filed because he is actually a good father to our child and I do not want our child to be without a father who has a daily presence. We do have fun family times and I do not think our child senses anything wrong between my husband and I, but our child is only 5.

I try to work on myself. Put my needs first. My husband does not put me first, so I feel I have to do that. I know he thinks I am controlling, especially with money, but I have to be, for my own peace of mind.

Any advice out there?
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Old 12-03-2009, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
24,798 posts, read 23,302,296 times
Reputation: 23426
Yes. Sit down and explain that he either get a job or take care of the household and care for your child everyday. That you will handle the finances. If he will not, divorce him. Would he stand for this if roles were reversed?

The way you are feeling and the fact you believe he may have cheated is enough to eat away at and destroy your marriage if things dont change. He can still be a good father if you divorce.
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:07 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque, NM
13,292 posts, read 13,306,871 times
Reputation: 6639
Sounds like you're in an unhappy situation.

The best thing to do, as usual, is communicate. Certain needs must be met in a relationship, if they are not being met then the relationship is not a good one.
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:08 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,460,340 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
Yes. Sit down and explain that he either get a job or take care of the household and care for your child everyday. That you will handle the finances. If he will not, divorce him. Would he stand for this if roles were reversed?

The way you are feeling and the fact you believe he may have cheated is enough to eat away at and destroy your marriage if things dont change. He can still be a good father if you divorce.
If she ends up divorcing the unemployed husband, wouldn't she be responsible for alimony to him? Or is there a way to get away from paying alimony to dead beat husbands?
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:12 PM
 
2,890 posts, read 5,668,692 times
Reputation: 4630
I'm the primary breadwinner and have always been. My husband would make a great supervisor, but was never patient enough to work up the ranks. He has had his own businesses - but it also consumed my time. I really prefer that he not have a regular job. My career is first. We go wherever work takes me. We take vacations whenever it is convenient for me.

Here is how we prevent resentment issues. My paycheck is not my money - it's our money. We worked out a budget together. We both have the same amount of "discretionary" money. I spend mine on breakfast, he buys DVDs. It's a partnership.

I understood who I was marrying and didn't expect him to change.
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:20 PM
 
20 posts, read 119,445 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissNM View Post
I'm the primary breadwinner and have always been. My husband would make a great supervisor, but was never patient enough to work up the ranks. He has had his own businesses - but it also consumed my time. I really prefer that he not have a regular job. My career is first. We go wherever work takes me. We take vacations whenever it is convenient for me.

Here is how we prevent resentment issues. My paycheck is not my money - it's our money. We worked out a budget together. We both have the same amount of "discretionary" money. I spend mine on breakfast, he buys DVDs. It's a partnership.

I understood who I was marrying and didn't expect him to change.

It sounds like your husband has a greater level of maturity than mine. I understood who I was marrying too, but when he told me he had hopes for a better future, I believed him. I believed then that we could build a better future together. It took about 4 years of marriage for me to see that it was not going to happen. My paycheck is our money in the sense that it pays our rent, our insurance, our expenses, etc. When all of that is paid for, there is usually very little left over to play with. My husband would rather skip an expense and play with that money, which I am refusing to do now. And he doesn't like it. There really is no "discretionary" money in our life right now.
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:25 PM
 
20 posts, read 119,445 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
Yes. Sit down and explain that he either get a job or take care of the household and care for your child everyday. That you will handle the finances. If he will not, divorce him. Would he stand for this if roles were reversed?

The way you are feeling and the fact you believe he may have cheated is enough to eat away at and destroy your marriage if things dont change. He can still be a good father if you divorce.
Thank you for your response.

If we divorce, he will have no place to live, no car to drive (both are in my name and I pay the insurance, he won't pay it even if he had the money!) and I will likely find myself having to "help" him see our child, meaning I would have to give him money to spend on our child. I know that it would be his problem that he has no place to live or no car, but I would hate for our child to see him homeless or living God knows where.

My belief that he cheated is eating away at our marriage as is his inability to admit to it or even discuss it / explain to me. Not that I would even believe him. I have very little trust in anything he says. And I hate that I feel that way about my husband.
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:33 PM
 
Location: in the good ol' South
865 posts, read 2,203,406 times
Reputation: 876
It's one thing to be the breadwinner, if your stay at home spouse is equally contributing to the household in terms of upkeep of the house and family. It's another thing if you feel like you are doing and sacrificing everything, and are getting nothing in return, and may in fact actually be getting taken advantage of.

You have to decide for yourself what you expect/need from your relationship, and then let him know. If he can't or won't make some concessions (like at the very least, be a great stay-at-home dad), then I personally wouldn't put up with that.

When my husband and I first married, I was the breadwinner. But he worked hard at his job, and contributed a lot, both financially and physically in the house. Once the kids came, I stayed at home. His income increased, mine (obviously) decreased, but we weren't paying childcare, and I was taking care of the house/meals, etc. To us, that works. But in your situation, it sounds like he's just freeloading, and may in fact be having an affair to boot. I can see why you feel resentful.
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:48 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,166 posts, read 26,473,087 times
Reputation: 27302
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511 View Post
If she ends up divorcing the unemployed husband, wouldn't she be responsible for alimony to him? Or is there a way to get away from paying alimony to dead beat husbands?
It could happen(not likely) but he would also be responsible for child support.
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Old 12-03-2009, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,166 posts, read 26,473,087 times
Reputation: 27302
I was the breadwinner for decades. H was an engineer and when he worked, he made good money. Problem was, engineers became disposable employees, usually hired for a project and then laid off. In the 35 years or so we were together, he was probably unemployed for 8 years total. I was always employed no matter what and I was jealous of his free time. I was also angry that he did very little around the house.

Probably the part that angered me most was when his unemployment ran out, he wouldn't just go out and get any old job. Anything but engineering was beneath him. It was perfectly OK for ME to work at a gas station or as a buttwiper but HE would never even consider those jobs.

In the end, it was all my fault because I was the one who tolerated the situation. I was too kind and expected too little.
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