He broke a law of the universe, should I give him another chance? (girl, love)
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I feel so sorry for you because I know you really care for this guy, but he's not worthy of you. Unfortunately, you have now seen his other side and it's none too pretty. What he did at Thanksgiving was rude and unacceptable and he used his drinking as an excuse. What he did the next day was even worse and then he lied about it.
A man who treats your mother like this will eventually treat you the same way if you stay with him. Please break up with this man immediately, cut off all contact with him (my guess is that he will not go away quietly and will try to woo you with whatever it takes to get you to give him a second chance - this would be a major mistake on your part, don't fall for it, you've seen the red flags and you need to heed them, he is not husband material), and get on with your life. You have lots of time to meet Mr. Right, but you need to be very discerning. Settling for someone who is not right and marrying them will have devastating effects on your life. He may be right in so many ways, but being wrong in this way is a definite deal breaker. Move on and thank your lucky stars that you saw this side of him before the relationship got any more serious.
RED FLAGS galore! You do not need to give this "man" a second chance. You should be glad you didn't involve yourself more seriously and get yourself out of the relationship immediately. It's one thing (which is a BIG no no in my book) to act that way towards YOUR mother but then to add insult to injury and during his apology he snaps again? Honey, take it from me, a Mom of a 21 year old female and I'd have her leave a boyfriend like that in a new york second. He clearly has anger issues and clearly can't control that anger, if you stay he will eventually become physical and will manipulate you into staying. Get out now while you still can think for yourself. There are thousands of eligible bachelors YOUR age - who will treat you with respect. This man does not.
As a Mom, I would have never approved of my daughter dating a 26 year old and with this behavior on top of it, I'd be beating that guy down.
Get out now.
No second chances. This guy is like a light switch - put some alcohol in him and he goes through personality changes. What I'm wondering is how much did he actually have to drink (even you may not know)? Don't do this to yourself or your family. You are so young to put up with this. There are so many more reasonable people out there. You're too young to be sitting at Al-Anon meetings, though you can if you choose to. And if you don't believe me, look up Al-Anon on the internet and just go to one in your area. You'll see the family and friends and spouses trying to grapple with the alcoholic's problems and trying to detach. If you can head this relationship off at the pass, you will have dodged a major bullet.
But if you want drama in your life, stick with this guy. He'll provide you with all the drama you want, and then even more! You'll spend your time at the courthouse if he gets a DUI, and you won't go out anywhere if he pays all his money towards fines, fees, and alcohol school. And higher car insurance. You have no idea...and yes, I have an alcoholic in my family, I know very, very well...
No matter how nice you act, no matter what you wear, no matter what nice things you do for him, nothing will matter if he keeps drinking. You and no one else can stop him from drinking, all the pleading and crying in the world won't do jack. He has to want to do it himself.
Also, a few months ago, a news article came out saying that alcoholics consistently fail to read facial expressions of other people, so they continually misinterpret situations (not to even add that they're under the influence of alcohol and their judgment is cloudy at best.).
And what if he gets drunk and hits you later? You're not even married to this guy.
Girl, open your eyes and run like the wind. And never look back. You've got your whole life in front of you.
For what it's worth, I have never read a post on CD that ALL the replies said the same thing.
We are afraid for you, girl. Please leave him. He will probably make it hard for you and make you feel guilty. Do it anyway.
Thanks to everyone who responded.
I was just thinking that; every one of these posts says the same exact thing. And you know what, after sitting back and reading these, and talking with my mother and friends again, and looking at the big picture, you're all right. Why would I ever want to stay with that kind of abuse? I wouldn't allow a stranger to do that, so why should he get away with it?
I've been thinking about everything a lot since Thanksgiving, and all your posts are really putting things into perspective. My mom said as time went on and I thought about things, the answer would be an even stronger no. She was right. This is a huge flaw in his personality, and though he has other good qualitites, he has other small things about him that I don't particularly agree with( like most people have), so these little things and that huge red flag do add up.
I know what the right thing to do is, but as some of you said, it sucks breaking up. I think I was also delaying because of that.
I'm almost sorry and embarrassed for myself that I was not a better judge of character when it all happened! Like Drummerboy and some of you said, I was really trying to make an excuse for an unexcuseable thing. I guess some things really do blind people.
Unfortunately, my dad was/is a drug user and a heavy smoker, and had similar good and bad qualities to this guy. I haven't lived with my father for 8 years, so now looking at things, this guy was compensating for all the good qualities that I missed in my dad, but at the expense of having some of the bad ones I didn't know about til later as well.
Physically writing this in words is also a huge help. Seeing this in hard writing is really making the decision to leave him a little easier. I'll take the good memories with me, leave the bad ones. It goes on.
After thanksgiving I said we were on a break, and when I get back home in a week I will be completely breaking all ties with him. Thanks again for all the replies! Seeing them in writing definitely made a difference.
I was just thinking that; every one of these posts says the same exact thing. And you know what, after sitting back and reading these, and talking with my mother and friends again, and looking at the big picture, you're all right. Why would I ever want to stay with that kind of abuse? I wouldn't allow a stranger to do that, so why should he get away with it?
I've been thinking about everything a lot since Thanksgiving, and all your posts are really putting things into perspective. My mom said as time went on and I thought about things, the answer would be an even stronger no. She was right. This is a huge flaw in his personality, and though he has other good qualitites, he has other small things about him that I don't particularly agree with( like most people have), so these little things and that huge red flag do add up.
I know what the right thing to do is, but as some of you said, it sucks breaking up. I think I was also delaying because of that.
I'm almost sorry and embarrassed for myself that I was not a better judge of character when it all happened! Like Drummerboy and some of you said, I was really trying to make an excuse for an unexcuseable thing. I guess some things really do blind people.
Unfortunately, my dad was/is a drug user and a heavy smoker, and had similar good and bad qualities to this guy. I haven't lived with my father for 8 years, so now looking at things, this guy was compensating for all the good qualities that I missed in my dad, but at the expense of having some of the bad ones I didn't know about til later as well.
Physically writing this in words is also a huge help. Seeing this in hard writing is really making the decision to leave him a little easier. I'll take the good memories with me, leave the bad ones. It goes on.
After thanksgiving I said we were on a break, and when I get back home in a week I will be completely breaking all ties with him. Thanks again for all the replies! Seeing them in writing definitely made a difference.
You are making a very mature, wise decision - I am soooo impressed!!
I KNOW how hard this is for you, especially so near Christmas, but you will never regret making such an emotionally healthy choice for yourself. You have so much to look forward to in life! Just remember that when you are getting over him. Best wishes!
He has issues - major issues. And you are just seeing the very tip of this iceberg. To add, he is extremely immature. You need to move on. What really would a second chance serve? It's only a matter of days, weeks before the same behavior recurs.
You may have a lot in common coming from the same area, common friends, interests, etc. But that's all it is. Wouldn't it be a good idea to learn a little bit about the world or other parts of the US? You are young, enjoy yourself and don't get strapped down by someone like this.
I agree with all the posters here. Get away. I didn't get away when I was young and I ended up marrying him. We've been married 18 years. I just let him back in after 1 month away. I wish I had your courage. Good luck and don't look back.
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