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I always use my parent's 50-year marriage as my ultimate benchmark for a happy, healthy relationship. My parents have completely different hobbies, and separate sets of friends (in addition to their mutual friends.) They take trips both together and seperately. Dad sleeps in late and goes to bed late; Mom gets up early and goes to bed early. They make fun of couples who can't do anything apart. They're as in love with each other as they ever were. I don't see how their relationship "ruins society". Declaring that relationships that don't fit into the mold that works for you are toxic ruins society more.
I always felt people in relationships shouldn't need a person but rather want a person. Need, to me, has the connotation of "I'd just die if you weren't with me" type of relationship and they have no life beyond the relationship." This, of course, is strictly my opinion. I always felt if you wanted need that's what having kids satisfies and want should satisfy your needs between you and your significant other.
Now, having said this, I was dumped once ffor another woman and the guy blatantly said to me, "She needs me, you don't."
I always use my parent's 50-year marriage as my ultimate benchmark for a happy, healthy relationship. My parents have completely different hobbies, and separate sets of friends (in addition to their mutual friends.) They take trips both together and seperately. Dad sleeps in late and goes to bed late; Mom gets up early and goes to bed early.
That's fine but it doesn't mean that all relationships have to be like your parents' relationship.
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They make fun of couples who can't do anything apart.
That's just rude.
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They're as in love with each other as they ever were. I don't see how their relationship "ruins society". Declaring that relationships that don't fit into the mold that works for you are toxic ruins society more.
Well, I'm not exactly saying that. I'm more saying that you shouldn't try to make people think that they HAVE to be independent to have a happy marriage.
I always felt people in relationships shouldn't need a person but rather want a person. Need, to me, has the connotation of "I'd just die if you weren't with me" type of relationship and they have no life beyond the relationship." This, of course, is strictly my opinion. I always felt if you wanted need that's what having kids satisfies and want should satisfy your needs between you and your significant other.
Now, having said this, I was dumped once ffor another woman and the guy blatantly said to me, "She needs me, you don't."
So, now that I've added to your confusion....
I agree. I think it's very unhealthy to need another person to be happy. And while it's flattering to feel needed, people who need to feel needed should ask themselves why.
I don't know. I sure want a '69 'Vette but I know for a fact that I don't need one.
Imagine a world of people that feel like you do. It's okay for you to distance yourself from attachment, but I really don't think the whole world can prosper with that attitude. So when people reply in threads "you don't need anyone" (notice that it's an instruction) it can come across as them saying the whole world should be fiercely independent. Over time more and more people listen, buy into it, more people post things like that in more and more forums, comments and blogs, and more and more people BECOME fiercely independent because they have begun to think that it's the right way to live.
Then the whole world blows up. THANKS for blowing up the world. LOL
Actually, that means that I don't need anyone. I'm not trying to speak for anyone else--I can only say what works best for me. Because I can't hope to suggest what works best for someone else--none of my business anyhow.
As far as the first part goes...what would it do for you if you had the 'Vette? It would fill some sort of INNER need, apparently. It fulfills something within you...which was lacking.
Do you know what turns me off the most about modern marriage/relationships? How insipid they are! First, there's this huge fuss over the wedding itself (everything has to be "perfect," the "right" and lavish everything, big guest list, etc.). Then, there has to be the "right" house and accessories meant to impress, the upwardly mobile careers, social circles and beneficial "couples friends," then the "right" schools, activities, and trappings for the kids when they come along, ad nauseum.
To which I say, "YUCK!!!! NO thank you!" It all seems to be about expectations and appearances and I'm SO not interested in living a life like that.
My ideal has always been to find someone who is as uninterested in the trappings as I and who has a sense of adventure and wanderlust. Someone who wants to join me as a world traveller and student of life. I am content in a small home and with MUCH less materialism so I can travel and do what I want to do. I do NOT like being a slave to material goods, spending a vastly disproportionate amount of time and money accumulating them and then serving them. And I've never had the need to live up to others' expectations or standards of "success."
I've never found that person so I've lived an interesting life on my own. I'm not the least bit sorry. I took my son on his first adventure exploring Mayan ruins when he was just 4 years old! He grew up with a sense of wonder and global view, not believing that suburban America is the end-all, be all. It's served him well.
Perhaps I'll find my fellow traveller later in life. I'm open to it. If not, I'll continue on my own. For me, there is nothing worse than settling and losing a sense of adventure.
So much confusion today between need and want. There's a lot of talk about women not needing men, and (some) men saying they want a girl who just wants to be with him. (Other men say they need to be needed.)
How are these relationships not built on need not disposable? Does losing something you want and not need create intense emotion? I want my TV and if I lost it, it would suck, but losing my bed would be worse. Losing my car worse still. But I don't need them. Losing them would not devastate my whole reality. But if I were married and my wife died, I can imagine that my whole life would be devastated. Part of my whole being would have died with her. That's not a want. That's need. Yes, life goes on and you can recover. But you are changed. In fact, many elderly people, who have shared lives with someone for decades, who lose that spouse die themselves a year later. And it's not just that they are old too. They die of a broken heart. They have lost the will to survive.
If you don't need each other then that's got to mean that you care about losing the other person just about as much as you care about losing your car. You should care about losing your spouse about as much as you care about losing your house. Lose it and your entire world changes.
I like this comparison between a car. You buy several throughout your life. When one gets old, you replace it. But chances are you will only have one or two houses your whole life. I don't want my wife to feel about me the way she thinks of her car. I want her to think of me the way she thinks of her home. It's necessary for survival.
So my question is what keeps you together if you only want each other? Do you still have a sense of security knowing your SO doesn't need you*? What's it like being in a relationship when you don't know that they will be there the next day? How do you know they will be there? Does love have a component of need in it at all?
*Not that "need" should be the only thing keeping you together. Not that you need someone to put food on your table. Nor that you need someone to wash your clothes. Nor that you need someone to fulfill your sexual desires. But that their want has turned to need. The need comes from the strong emotions they feel towards you.
relationships not built on free-will mutual commitment are 'disposable'... 'need' is irrelevant
Actually, that means that I don't need anyone. I'm not trying to speak for anyone else--I can only say what works best for me. Because I can't hope to suggest what works best for someone else--none of my business anyhow.
Oh. OK. So you wouldn't say something like this: "I think of all relationships are, in the end, disposable. Even if you "need" someone, you find you can get by without them just fine...or you find someone else to fill that "need" that you have."
I suppose it's possible that you were really referencing yourself, but it seems you didn't realize that when you use the word "you" in a sentence, people think you are talking about "them."
That's pretty much my point when I wrote this:
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So when people reply in threads "you don't need anyone" (notice that it's an instruction) it can come across as them saying the whole world should be fiercely independent. Over time more and more people listen, buy into it, more people post things like that in more and more forums, comments and blogs, and more and more people BECOME fiercely independent because they have begun to think that it's the right way to live.
We need to be careful about the language we use.
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As far as the first part goes...what would it do for you if you had the 'Vette? It would fill some sort of INNER need, apparently. It fulfills something within you...which was lacking.
It is possible for others to have the same philosophy--I don't feel I'm THAT unique.
So, while I can't speak for others, it is completely within the realm of reason to believe that there are others who think as I do.
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