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Old 12-10-2009, 02:47 PM
 
5 posts, read 88,454 times
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My in-laws seem to hate me, but for reasons I can't figure out. When my husband has asked them why, they don't give an answer. He told his mom "You seem to hate her, and she loves you guys even after some of the things you have said to her." Her only response was "Well those are your words", which basically led me to believe she does hate me but will never explain why. I'm curious how others have dealt with this, as its hard to be around people that I know can't stand me and for reasons I'll never understand.
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Old 12-10-2009, 02:55 PM
Status: "The whole world is a stage..." (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,881 posts, read 11,245,130 times
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Many parents have expectations for their children, and in some cases no one will ever be good enough for their son or daughter. My advice would be to take the high road and continue to be nice so long as they aren't being abusive. Over time they may just warm up to you when they see you and their son are happy together and that you are indeed a good person. I know it's awkward and uncomfortable, but it could be any number of reasons that are causing them to feel this way. Are you of a different race or ethnicity? Age difference? Social/Class status? Or perhaps they've had bad experiences with previous girls he's brought home and want to make sure you are truly the real deal? Knowing their motives may help to shed more light on the situation.
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Old 12-10-2009, 03:02 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
22,477 posts, read 27,048,543 times
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Why don't you ask them directly in a non-confrontational way? And do please avoid using the word, "hate" as I doubt very much that they "hate" you at all.
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Old 12-10-2009, 03:05 PM
 
5 posts, read 88,454 times
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For anyone that cares to know some background, and I doubt anyone will read all of this, but its complicated and full of drama and I need someone to talk to:

I've been with my husband for over 6 years, married for over a year, and I use to have a good relationship with his mother and grandmother. About 3 years ago my husband went to rehab for an addiction, and I stuck by him. During that time the in-laws turned me away, not letting me see him or asking me to leave when I tried to talk to him about our relationship. At the time he became emotionally involved with another girl (I was not aware), but nothing ever came of it and it was short-lived. I was always polite to them, never engaged in any of their attempts at arguments. We worked out our problems, and I have never cheated on or betrayed him in any way (even though he betrayed me and they were aware of it). For some reason they seemed to blame me for what had happened and since then they can't seem to stand me, even though my husband has explained that I wasn't even aware of the drug use because he had lied about it all along. If anything, I thought they would appreciate me more for loving him despite his mistakes. Now we are happily married, he has been clean since then and his life is great, but they have pretty much stopped calling him in general.

When planning the wedding, they said congratulations, then never asked about the wedding again. When asked if they could watch our dog during our honeymoon, they didn't even ask where we were going, only how long we would be gone. We never asked for money, and invited their entire family, but they never offered to have a rehearsal dinner for my mom and one bridesmaid (which I assumed most groom's families would do with such a small party). Whenever I tried to bring up the wedding planning, they would change the subject. They never acknowledged I was becoming a part of their family, and even at the wedding my mom was bragging about how happy she was to have a new son, but they simply said "congratulations" to us. This year they waited til 2 days before Thanksgiving to say we were welcome to come, even though every year we've gone to both their house and my family's.

Earlier this year, after having dinner his grandmother started asking me if I've been cooking recently (something she always hints at). I explained we cook together, and she went on a rant about how a good wife will cook every meal for her husband and clean etc. I was polite and said that we just think it works better if both of us do it, because we both work full time and both contribute financially to the household. She flat out told us that's wrong, and even though my husband was defending me she continued to argue. I remained calm and a few minutes later, after we left the room, she started talking to us like nothing had happened even though I was very offended by these comments. She is only 62, so she is not that old either.

My husband is very loyal, and I assume they think they can treat me however they want and he will still help them out and be around. His dad died when he was young, and so he's been the man of the house for a long time. Both his mom and brother have HIV, and are in very dysfunctional relationships where their partners treat them horribly. The problem with this is they accept it because they have very little chance of meeting someone else that loves them (or so they think). His brother's girlfriend has cheated on him many times with many partners, claimed to be a drug addict, and would call and tell his brother who she was sleeping with after they broke up. This was all after he attempted suicide when she dumped him (went to the hospital and everything, and in the waiting room she told me how she just didn't want to be with him, had a new bf she was supposed to be with right now, etc.) After the 4th time of them getting back together and not letting him see us anymore, I told her that we couldn't trust her yet and that we should still be allowed to see his brother, at least on special occasions like my husband's birthday. I explained that after her admitting to all her lying, cheating, and stealing, that we didn't want to be around her until she could prove to us, in time, that she had changed and truly cared about his brother. Both she and the brother flipped out and lashed out at us (calling us names, etc.) My husband's mother found out about this and told us I had attacked the girlfriend and it was wrong of me to say such things. We explained we don't trust her yet, but we thought by talking to her that maybe he would come around and she wouldn't make him feeling so guilty for spending time with us. Then his mother stopped speaking to us for months because of it, as did his brother, and now that the girlfriend dumped him again, she finally called, said sorry and admitted that we were right about her. The brother still isn't speaking to us (probably because he's embarassed). So, I'm not sure if they hate me even more because I wasn't nice to the girl that has broken his heart time and time again, but nothing I said was meant to be hurtful (there was no name calling or anything immature, although she told me some very hurtful things in response such as that the only reason my husband married me was because the other girl he liked turned him down, etc.) It would take me hours to explain the awful things she's done and said, so I won't really get into that.

So how do you deal with this? They're so passive aggressive, its hard to not go there for holidays because we can't really tell them what they've done wrong other than be rude, but I feel bad for my husband if we don't see them anymore. However, should we forced to feel awkward and miserable on our holidays just because they're family? I hate being subjected to their snide remarks, and I do care about them, but know they think very little of me which hurts. What do you do? His brother isn't even speaking to us now so its difficult to go over there when none of them seem to want to work any of this out. Even if we do try to work it out, the only thing we get from them is excuses, such as that they've had a lot going on in their relationships, or that they've been "busy". Nothing is resolved and they don't seem to care, but I do. How do I stop caring about people that obviously don't care about me??
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Old 12-10-2009, 03:15 PM
Status: "The whole world is a stage..." (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,881 posts, read 11,245,130 times
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Didn't you know, that's what the holidays are for, relatives who only see one another two times per year get together to remind one another why they only see them twice a year.

Seems to me they look at your marriage as your son choosing sides. Perhaps they feel you have an influence over him that they do not have, an edge so to speak, and they resent you for it. If you only have to see them a few times per year, again, take the high road, be nice and kill them with kindness. You come out on top either way.

If it gets to the point where it is intolerable, speak to them about it. Let them know that you feel a certain distance and ask if their is anything you've ever done to rub them the wrong way. If that doesn't help, let your husband know that you don't want to attend these get together's and that he is more than welcome to go without you.
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Old 12-10-2009, 03:18 PM
 
5 posts, read 88,454 times
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My husband and I have similar backgrounds. Both middle class, no religious differences, same race, age, etc. And like I said, they treated me more like family before than they do now that we're married. I think he only had 1 previous girlfriend, but that was when he was 16 and I don't think it ever got serious. We've been together pretty much since we met, right after high school when I started college. The only difference is his grandmother (who lives with the mom) believes women should stay at home, cook, and clean. I even explained to her that I wasn't raised that way because my father was an alcoholic who wouldn't keep a job, so my mom worked and ran the house and I think an equal partnership is important. She just said "oh" and then went on and on about how I should still wake up early to make my husband his lunch, even though I leave for work at 7 in the morning and he leaves at 1 pm.

I don't know that he used the word "hate", but he made it clear he felt they disliked me and they never give a response. This was not the first time its been brought up, so we've attempted it a non-confrontational way before with no feedback. They always turn it back to "Well we've just been really busy" or "I've just been going through a lot with my boyfriend" or some way to get the subject off me and make it about them. But its been several years now and I think very little of it has to do with their own relationships or being busy. They have made it known before they don't like to talk about things and have a problem with keeping things bottled up.

Last edited by El Barto; 12-10-2009 at 03:26 PM..
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Old 12-10-2009, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
6,627 posts, read 6,767,957 times
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I'd talk to them very politely, with my husband present, and explain how you feel the relationship used to be good, but somehow seems to have veered off course and you're not sure why. I'd ask what happened to change things. Then go on with how you'd like to get it back to the way it used to be if possible. I'd ask them what they'd like from you, etc. and just sit patiently and wait for them to reply. Hopefully, they'll be honest with you and you can begin to rebuild things. If not, be as gracious to them as possible when you're with them, but limit contact. I wish you well.
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Old 12-10-2009, 03:54 PM
 
Location: SRQ ~ Siesta Key
4,232 posts, read 8,327,545 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by El Barto View Post
My in-laws seem to hate me, but for reasons I can't figure out. When my husband has asked them why, they don't give an answer. He told his mom "You seem to hate her, and she loves you guys even after some of the things you have said to her." Her only response was "Well those are your words", which basically led me to believe she does hate me but will never explain why. I'm curious how others have dealt with this, as its hard to be around people that I know can't stand me and for reasons I'll never understand.
My xmil hated me, too. It was her own insecurity and my xh's inability to stop ignoring it. He learned, now, with his second wife and his mother's death.

Deal with her yourself and remember, not everyone has to love you, just him.
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Old 12-10-2009, 04:25 PM
 
5 posts, read 88,454 times
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Thank you for the positive comments. Ladywithafan, what was your ex MIL insecure about? I'm not sure if that's the problem with mine. She had children very early and became a single mom with no education and it seems she has hit a mid-life crisis. Luckily for me, my husband is very understanding and has stopped ignoring all the signs that say they dislike me. I think he just didn't want to believe it at first, but after all that's happened I think he sees there's really no other explanation for their behavior.
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Old 12-10-2009, 06:03 PM
 
Location: SRQ ~ Siesta Key
4,232 posts, read 8,327,545 times
Reputation: 1502
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Barto View Post
Thank you for the positive comments. Ladywithafan, what was your ex MIL insecure about? I'm not sure if that's the problem with mine. She had children very early and became a single mom with no education and it seems she has hit a mid-life crisis. Luckily for me, my husband is very understanding and has stopped ignoring all the signs that say they dislike me. I think he just didn't want to believe it at first, but after all that's happened I think he sees there's really no other explanation for their behavior.
Because I believe that I was living the life with her son that she wanted with her own husband. She had her children early, also, I married her first born and she hated every girlfriend that he ever had, until the relationship was over and the next one came along...then the xgirlfriend was always brought up & cast like an angel.
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