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I was speaking to those who are educated but with many other characters and traits that I admire in people overall-whether they are educated or not. The ones I am speaking to appear now to be good men thus far in my lenses. They care very much for their mates, the community, very concerned with ensuring that their future offspring or current youth in their communities are successful and they all are very close to their family members. They are concerned about their overall contribution to society or their communities. Many of them volunteer in their communities. They have a strong relationship with family members and are either spiritual, churched and de-churched, but all maintain a spiritual grounding that keeps them looking unto something greater than themselves. Not all, yet some of them are materialistic-but for now many seem to be very concerned with our people here in America and what is going to happen to them. Once again I am looking at a cohort of friends who graduated from the same college who have now reached the second year post graduation and what has happened in their lives since they all graduated. I also am just looking at family members who too have many characteristics of this cohort, but overall I am happy to see this small/tiny minority of black educated people doing well in their relationships/marriages/families thus far.
I am certain that there are many nooks of America which offer greater opportunities for black male/female relationships-such as Atlanta, Houston, Washington D.C., etc. I had a professor tell me to hurry and get out of the state if I were wishing to increase my chances of meeting someone who met my monetary and educational status-he surely did not believe my chances were great here for we are not a highly educated state. This came from a white Professor who of course was a former marriage counselor so he always had a good word to speak unto all of us no matter what race we were. I appreciated his knowledge and advice.
For me when I am ready for a relationship with a black man, my desire is for him to be a Farmer who wants to build up his land with wind tunnels, and other modern day farm inventions-yes in my older age I want to live and work in the country and be a helpmate to a good old country man with entrepreneurial business goals.
Beautiful. Thank you so much. Well put. I hope a lot people read this post.
I think older black women can find good black men easier because at a certain age you would expect that he is a finished product. Younger men and women have to look for things that will tell them that a 24-35 year old will eventually be a good choice. Young black women have to learn to look for potential in a young dude who may not have read all the classics yet, or passed the bar yet, or even thought about an investment or stock fund yet. Instead of looking for perfection look for potential. You may have to have your own set of criteria. Like does he have a membership cards? library, AAA, Red Cross, NAACP, or will he stay home and watch his sister's kids instead of going to the club(BTDT)
I think older black women can find good black men easier because at a certain age you would expect that he is a finished product. Younger men and women have to look for things that will tell them that a 24-35 year old will eventually be a good choice. Young black women have to learn to look for potential in a young dude who may not have read all the classics yet, or passed the bar yet, or even thought about an investment or stock fund yet. Instead of looking for perfection look for potential. You may have to have your own set of criteria. Like does he have a membership cards? library, AAA, Red Cross, NAACP, or will he stay home and watch his sister's kids instead of going to the club(BTDT)
Good food for thought, thriftylefty. For me, though, it's not a matter of expecting that he be a finished product but that he be mature enough to have worked on himself and his life, and that he be willing to grow with me on this leg of our shared journey. Other women may want the investments or the stock funds. For me this might be ideal, depending on what kind of investments he is benefiting from (hopefully socially responsible); but given the whole scheme of life I believe my divine right partner would be a kind, intelligent, creative, productive, spiritually-grounded but not dogmatic, loving man, who values his wife and respects himself enough to help nurture a good and lasting marriage and family life (together), and who values his community enough to be of service. My needs and desires--nurtured throughout the years through study, prayer, observation, and experience--do not make it easier to find a good Black man. I don't believe in going out there to find a man. In my experience, I have found that my best relationships with Black men have been with those I met when I least expected it--just living my life, doing my thing, pursuing my calling, or following my own bliss (ty Joseph Campbell). On the other hand, knowing what I want (and don't want) does make life more simple and less filled with unnecessary drama and heartache. Been there, done that. I can be just as happy in the long run with the right partner or on my own, creating my art and serving my community.
Hey samston. I am saying that genuinely good Black men do have these traits, but that the general giste of this thread has posed a very limited picture of what constitutes a good Black man--as in education, lots of money, doesn't act ghetto. Authentically good Black men are so much more and, yes, they do exist.
This is true.
Nonetheless, it is a fact that a lot of black men are the ghetto/many fathering/underachieving/gang-land type. And in truth, this is how a lot of non-black persons in the USA see black people, despite contemporary society being far more anti-racist than it ever has been before.
It is this personality type that holds down black Americans in general, tarnishes blacks' image, makes blacks the worst off (at least economically) of the major races in the country, etc. Saying black Americans have a black (well, actually half-black, half-white, in truth) president to look up to is not good enough (as some blacks say). Obama is president for all Americans, not just blacks (well he is part white too, so he has no supreme allegiance to blacks, but I'm digressing). He cannot then openly favour any ethnic/racial group in the country over another.
The black person who is not ghetto, who seeks to contribute to society positively, who seeks to better themselves in whatever way (and not just monetarily or materially) cannot have any attachment with the black person in the ghetto that lacks ambition, has gang-land links, flirts in and out of prison, and does little to better his/her lot.
I've written a lot, but it is issues like this that really get my goat. I think blacks universally have to start to help ourselves and not continually play victim or blame white people for any perceived/actual disadvantages we face. For this reason, kudos to the black person who has drive and ambition in life, we need a lot more people such as that.
Nonetheless, it is a fact that a lot of black men are the ghetto/many fathering/underachieving/gang-land type. And in truth, this is how a lot of non-black persons in the USA see black people, despite contemporary society being far more anti-racist than it ever has been before.
It is this personality type that holds down black Americans in general, tarnishes blacks' image, makes blacks the worst off (at least economically) of the major races in the country, etc. Saying black Americans have a black (well, actually half-black, half-white, in truth) president to look up to is not good enough (as some blacks say). Obama is president for all Americans, not just blacks (well he is part white too, so he has no supreme allegiance to blacks, but I'm digressing). He cannot then openly favour any ethnic/racial group in the country over another.
The black person who is not ghetto, who seeks to contribute to society positively, who seeks to better themselves in whatever way (and not just monetarily or materially) cannot have any attachment with the black person in the ghetto that lacks ambition, has gang-land links, flirts in and out of prison, and does little to better his/her lot.
I've written a lot, but it is issues like this that really get my goat. I think blacks universally have to start to help ourselves and not continually play victim or blame white people for any perceived/actual disadvantages we face. For this reason, kudos to the black person who has drive and ambition in life, we need a lot more people such as that.
I feel you. But as God, luck, or Life would have it, I am in the privileged position in my line of work to see many Black men go through a deep and often long process of transformation. For some doing time in jail, watching loved ones get killed, or losing the respect of their families and communities is enough to eventually turn them around.
As a Black woman here in Madison, I am often on the receiving end of the assumptions or prejudices that follow when the majority of our tiny population of Black women are either consumed with anger and the need to let the whole world know about it, saddled with children left behind by often more than one "father," or so beaten down and deprived of education and opportunities that they exude a tiredness that often belies their age. It's a challenge to live in a society in which most people are surprised to meet people like myself or anyone who is Black and on the path of success yet willing to give of ourselves to the community. The responses I receive are often positive or encouraging, but every now and then I am met with disbelief and disappointment. I didn't get it at first. But now I understand that there are people in our world--White, Black, Latino, you name it--who do not want to see Black people as human, let alone successful. I wish I had money for every time I have heard someone say to me, "Wow. You're so articulate!" Give me a break. lol. Sadly, on the flip side of that coin, I have also been of the receiving end of teasing or ridicule. I have even lost voice over work because I don't sound "urban" enough. When will we learn?
I think older black women can find good black men easier because at a certain age you would expect that he is a finished product. Younger men and women have to look for things that will tell them that a 24-35 year old will eventually be a good choice. Young black women have to learn to look for potential in a young dude who may not have read all the classics yet, or passed the bar yet, or even thought about an investment or stock fund yet. Instead of looking for perfection look for potential. You may have to have your own set of criteria. Like does he have a membership cards? library, AAA, Red Cross, NAACP, or will he stay home and watch his sister's kids instead of going to the club(BTDT)
This is the most accurate statement that especially black women need to take heed. I have seen too many cases that if the black man who has a clear and visible ambition to do something, and is clearly on the right path, but doesn't have the necessary "qualifications," he becomes out of contention with most young black women, and in most cases, becomes less worthy than the hoodlum and thug who has nothing (outside the ghetto world) going for him.
Looking for potentially good mates, especially during the teen years, would do wonders to reconcile and improve the black community. The problem is that many black parents, especially black mothers, don't teach their daughters to appreciate these kind of guys from the get go. And in many cases, whether subconsciously or otherwise, they promote their teen girls to go for the guys with the least true potential as lovers and mates, especially during the earlier years. Think of what kind of guys many black teen girls aspire to have as boyfriends, lose their virginities to, have their babies by, and to make "their boo." Many people can say that this is a problem for all of America, but I'll tell you firsthand, it isn't as much of a problem for other races. When it comes to Caucasians, it's more of a 50/50 probability, granted it's gradually getting worse with the onslaught of the current MTV/teen pop culture. For Latina teen girls, the emotional/sexual desire for gangstas vs the desire for future successful men is correlated with their socioeconomic standing. And as for Asians, Indians, and Middle Easterners, their parents do the best job when it comes to teaching their teen girls that intellect and potential are turn-ons, both in business, friendship, and sexual desire; this is why one can easily see a "nerdy looking" Asian/Indian/Arab dude with at least a decent or cute looking Asian/Indian/Arab girl, which is not usually the case for most other races.
It is the potential for true success that most black teen girls need to learn to recognize and then act on it. Whether it's giving your time of day, flirting, sending your sexy/sexting pics, or straight out f**king on the spot, these are the things that - if done to the right kind of black teen boys - would lock you in and give you some options for future mates/husbands who can deliver all of your needs (financially, academically, emotionally, personally, sexually) when that time comes. However, it's the complete wastes of time like the drug dealers, rapper wannabes, and just plain bums that most black teen girls go for, especially for sexual desires. We all can deny it, but sex (and even sexual desire) is what we reward people for doing the "socially right thing" and deny to those who are doing the "socially unfashionable thing." For most of the black community, the sexual desire is given disproportionally to thugs, rappers, and bums, while overly denied to men who have their stuff together and are working on making something out of their lives (and this doesn't just affect nerds and geeks). For this reason, I would bet all of my lifetime potential income that if black teen girls would be taught to be attracted to more cultured, hard-working, and intellectual black teen boys (and would act on it with sexual rewards and sexual desire towards these dudes exclusively), we would quickly see the education and employment rates of blacks rise astronomically and hence the eventual end of black ghetto projects, high dropout rates, fatherless black children, criminal acts & excessive drug use, and lastly: the end of the Thug Culture once and for all.
Last edited by Do a Barrel Roll; 12-27-2009 at 05:42 PM..
Who insinuated that? This thread about attracting/seeking out black men who aren't low-down or ghetto.
The fact is this ghetto image does a monumental disservice to black people. for that reason alone, i think gangster rap should be outlawed (I know it's controversial statement, but of the major races in the USA, black people still have it the worst, and gangster rap adds greatly to this).
Congrats, you've figured out how to use the quote feature. Now you must learn to use some tactfull cognitive and readings skills so the quote feature can be more effective.
I'm going to preface by saying that I feel the situation in the Black Community stems from the fact that we have had a breakdown in the family structure. The runaway father epidemic is very real which is a shame because our daughters are suffering the most because of it. They are missing out on the guidance that a father is supposed to provide them and so many end up having their mind-states molded by the streets. Those who know "the streets" know that it places value in material possessions only therefore many of our daughters end up having a skewed perception on what a Good Man is and does. This is why it may appear to many that there are no good Black Men because the ones (some) Black Women are programmed to like are NO GOOD. There's a perception that we as Black People need to get over which is that education is "white". This thought is causing us as a people to remain stagnant while others embrace the opportunities here and flourish. It's also a reason why Good Black Men can't find a Good Black Women to be with and also the reason why a Good Black Woman cannot find a Good Black Man to be with. We as a whole place value in the material and date each other based on superficial perceptions as opposed to finding someone based on personality and commonality. I'm just rambling but I will conclude by saying that this issue will not be solved overnight and will require a total strengthening of the Black Family as a whole.
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(I know it's controversial statement, but of the major races in the USA, black people still have it the worst, and gangster rap adds greatly to this).