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If the person has told me to keep it quiet it gets kept quiet.
I'm the same way. Even if the person doesn't say to keep it quiet, I still do. Unless its something very serious that might bring harm to someone. For example, if someone in my wife's family told me that they thought of killing themselves, and if they were serious and not joking, I would tell my wife.
Well, can you give me an example? I don't mean something real going on with you, just the kind of thing you are talking about. I think many people here, including me, were pretty plain about saying that we don't relay every thing we hear. I don't go to my husband and say, "You will not BELIEVE what someone on City-Data said." He doesn't care. It has nothing to do with him or us.
I know what you mean. I am not dismissing that something that could be damaging to you or your marriage should be discussed between you and your SO. But I think most of us are smart enough to know what is and isn't a threat to your relationship.
If I said, "Jules, I just murdered a man. Please don't tell anyone." I have just involved you in the commission of my crime. Absolutely, tell your husband and stay as far away from my crazy booty as possible.
If I told you, "Jules, I just found out my father had an affair.", I'd expect you to keep that between us, even without me having to say it, but I would likely ask you to.
This is directed to those who think they have to tell their spouse everything as a display of love and honor, as if it would be breaking a vow not to do so.
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Originally Posted by spinx
If you don't want something repeated then you should keep it to yourself. It sucks to live life that way, but if you're willing to take the risk of blabbing then deal with the consequences.
I agree on so many levels there. However, I happen to be one of those people who does respect privacy as well as a person's dignity. I won't repeat anything personal anyone tells me and I know when it is personal. Even if they have other people they confide in, I won't talk about it. I can't be the only one who does this. ETA: And I fully expect someone who tells me they will keep it between us to do so. Despite how screwed up people are in general, I expect those in my life to stand by their word or take a hike.
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Originally Posted by Curmudgeon
Perhaps you think it's about you. Perhaps this is why you and I aren't married!
We aren't married cuz we haven't met. To know me is to love me.
And it is about me when I am discussing something that has everything to do with me and not you or your spouse.
If you have a friend/family member going through personal trials that they want to remain private about, do you share these with your SO? Is it an automatic given to you that anything someone shares with you is also to be shared with your SO?
I don't approve of this, yet I have met people who have flat out told me that they "don't keep any secrets" and that is their basis for breaking a confidence.
I don't have anyone in my life to keep "confidences" with, other than an SO. I might tell her some things privately that I don't share with most people who know me personally. But past relationships I keep private. My sex life is basically private. There are no names and no details provided.
I know what you mean. I am not dismissing that something that could be damaging to you or your marriage should be discussed between you and your SO. But I think most of us are smart enough to know what is and isn't a threat to your relationship.
If I said, "Jules, I just murdered a man. Please don't tell anyone." I have just involved you in the commission of my crime. Absolutely, tell your husband and stay as far away from my crazy booty as possible.
If I told you, "Jules, I just found out my father had an affair.", I'd expect you to keep that between us, even without me having to say it, but I would likely ask you to.
Okay, it's clearer now. Yes, I would keep that to myself. I still can't draw a perfect line between what I will tell and what I won't, though.
If you and I were very good friends and you told me something like, "I am very sick and might die" or "I think I might lose my house"--something very troubling--I might tell my husband, for the sake of being able to discuss my own worry. He's going to notice that I am upset and ask me why. I might simply say, "PTC told me something awful, and I'm just worried right now," or I might tell him.
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Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
This is directed to those who think they have to tell their spouse everything as a display of love and honor, as if it would be breaking a vow not to do so.
Well, that's kind of silly. Being married doesn't mean a person doesn't have his or her own friends or personal space. This ties in with the recent thread about passwords and e-mails. Several married people said that they would share their e-mails or passwords with their spouse if asked, but their spouse wouldn't ask unless maybe something important happened.
Just because I can share that information doesn't mean I do. I can and will if I feel it's needed, that's all. I know you framed it in terms of how good a friend you are, but I think of it in terms of how good a wife I am. Unfortunately, no matter how dear a friend you are, even if I love you like a favorite sister, I will always owe my greater loyalty to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
I happen to be one of those people who does respect privacy as well as a person's dignity. I won't repeat anything personal anyone tells me and I know when it is personal. Even if they have other people they confide in, I won't talk about it. I can't be the only one who does this.
No, you're not. Despite sharing things from time to time with my husband, I am very close-mouthed about private matters. I don't like gossip and don't share friends' secrets with other friends--never. Sometimes people tell me things I've already heard, but I don't say anything.
Okay, it's clearer now. Yes, I would keep that to myself. I still can't draw a perfect line between what I will tell and what I won't, though.
If you and I were very good friends and you told me something like, "I am very sick and might die" or "I think I might lose my house"--something very troubling--I might tell my husband, for the sake of being able to discuss my own worry. He's going to notice that I am upset and ask me why. I might simply say, "PTC told me something awful, and I'm just worried right now," or I might tell him.
Understandable.
Quote:
Just because I can share that information doesn't mean I do. I can and will if I feel it's needed, that's all. I know you framed it in terms of how good a friend you are, but I think of it in terms of how good a wife I am. Unfortunately, no matter how dear a friend you are, even if I love you like a favorite sister, I will always owe my greater loyalty to him.
I can respect that, sure.
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